A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My first ever question to Dear Cupid!This question may sound textbook, but I would like an outside opinion.About 6 weeks ago, my girlfriend decided to take some time apart. She said that she needed a week to think about what she really wants. We had a stupid fight about something I can't even remember before she told me this. A few days prior to our break, she had started hanging with an old male friend of hers. They get together with her other other two friends (guy and girl) and make films together, because that is one of the things she likes doing. She went out with her new male friend and bought an expensive camera to make these films. They started staying out very late (sometimes until 6am) filming. And as I said, a few days later she needed time to think about what she wants to do with her life.After 4 or 5 days she called telling me that she thought this was stupid and wanted to see me.A few days later, she called from work, and said she was just going to stay in at night. She called when she got home (at 9pm) and said she was going to do some things and call me in a few hours. I had a strange gut feeling and acted on it. I called her new male friends phone number(which I got from her facebook) whith my number hidden of course, and when he answered I remained silent while I listened to him and my girlfriend try to figure out who it was. At this point I knew I was being lied to, so I calmed myself down, and a few minutes later I called her and asked her what she was doing, and if she was alone. She said she was alone watching TV. so I accused her of lieing, and that "he" was there. She denied it so I hung up and drove down to her place.She was in the car going to head to my place, and I told her how I knew they were together etc, so she confessed saying she lied because of how jealous I would have gotten over them hanging out. (I have been jealous about them hanging out..)To keep the story short, I later found out that he likes her a lot, and that she also has a "thing" for him.All knowledge obtained about them was hidden from me.Little things like her drawing tattoos on him with marker saying "fuck me sideways"And her continuing to talk to him without me knowing.She refuses to stop hanging out with him, which I understand if her motives are pure, but what if they are not?I should ad that in this time frame she has dyed her hair, started painting her nails, and that we don't have sex as often. I'm probably leaving lots outI'm all ears. =)Thanks.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2010): This is what is going on. You are "Plan B" in case this thing with the other guy doesn't work out. A backup plan is all you are.
Do with this as you want but it is the truth.
A
female
reader, Maria-consuela +, writes (13 October 2010):
 Let's say hypothetically that they are not physically involved AT all. That it hasn't come up - and they are just flirting, close, and comfortable but not sleeping together.
Should it really make any difference? Would it make you feel that much better? Currently you are being turned into a nervous wreck, and a jealous suspicious mess - even without actual proof.
The fact that your girlfriend has no qualms about spending time with someone (who isn't you)despite the fact that it is obviously hurting you is proof enough. Her 'friendship' with this man should not take priority over your relationship. Her lies and deception are only further evidence of betrayal. Cheating comes in many forms - an emotional connection between your girlfriend and another man is just as if not more corrosive to the bond that you share with her.
She is not being clear with you, but has given you big enough signals to indicate that you shouldn't be wasting your time anymore. If this friend is more important to her than you are, and she is unwilling to compromise and continues to lie and be evasive you will eventually lose her. Her priorities have been made clear by her actions and unfortunately right now it is not your relationship.
Good luck, but remember - you deserve better than frustration, confusion and unhappiness.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionShe still tells me she loves me. She doesn't think she should have to give up a friend because he bothers me.
In her defense.
Things just don't feel the same.
Situation is uncertain.
I love this girl, I'm not about to dump her over a hunch.
She told me some Sh*t after I found a facebook message to her friend saying "As you know, my thing for (insert name here) is over."
What she told me was, that by hanging out with a guy that "filled the gaps" (no puns please ;) ) she was able to see if she could still choose me over him. She said that she would rather be the the guy that she loves.
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A
male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (12 October 2010):
 Yeh.. this doesn't look good and acting jealous or playing sherlock holmes is only going to make you lose her faster.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (12 October 2010):
You know the truth. She's into him, not you. She's lied, acted suspiciously and there are clear signs that she's into him, possibly cheating.
Ditch her now, before you wind up getting even more hurt.
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A
male
reader, corbandallas +, writes (12 October 2010):
Honestly, sounds to me like something is going on. I don't know what you should do about it but, I would definitely be concerned. Sorry I couldn't be of any more help.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2010): Look, she is having an affair, denials not withstanding.
Her motives are what they are, she has another relationship and she is cheating and refusing to stop.
You are leaving lots out, because truly you don't know very much (unless you can read minds), and whatever you are leaving out is probably not as important as what you don't know.
You are not married, you don't have kids, I assume. Best advice, move on. Painful as it is, the relationship you have is neglectful of you, abusive of you, and exploiting you.
Take care of and protect yourself.
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