A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi, so I'm having some serious issues here. I wont disclose any actual information or names, hence anonymous, but I would really appreciate some advice.I've been dating my boyfriend steadily for almost two years now. We've reached a marker where we want to take our relationship further and he was asking me questions in order to sooth my fears before we take the next step. At one point he asked a question why I felt a certain way and I told him about me being sexually abused as a child. We;ve discussed this before, but its not something I dwell on. I accept that it happened and it doesn't rule my life. Apparently however, he didn't know that it went to the extent that it did. This is partially my fault because I didn't want to go into details but now, hes worried about me and scared that hes over stepped his boundries with me. Which he hasn't. I love him and I feel confident about the steps I want to take. But now, he says hes upset because he doesn't feel like he's my first. -he is a virgin, and in all sense of the word so am I. I do not know how to discuss this with him. He says he doesn't want to make it worse for me by tlaking about it, and I appreciate it but, he doesn't seem to get that I'm okay with discussing it.Is there anything anyone can tell me in order to pacify his fears about him going to far or him not techinically being my first?Thanks for any info and advice
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for the help. Its much appreciated and has given me a lot to think about. Ive already decided to push going deeper into our relationship a little further until we're both okay with it and you guys really helped. I appreciate all the concern and I'll definitly be talking to him.
Thank you again
A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (12 October 2010):
 Correct me if I'm wrong, but it sounds as though you don't want to be treated any differently than if the abuse had never happened. He may be used to the idea that vitcims must always be treated with utmost dlicacy and respect; telling him that you don't want to be treated any differently is the first step. You'll have to be patient with him as he gets past it.
Person12345 is right about the "safe word," try to come up with a clearly recognizable phrase that you would not use in ordinary conversation. "Code red" might work.
Regarding the virginity thing, if he's really ready he'll get past it, but don't hold it against him until he's had a little while. You say he's a virgin too, and he may have some religious or philisophical attachment to the idea. If he can't get past it, I really don't think he's ready for taking the next step.
Sex with him may be difficult, at first. I can't say with any certainty how you'll react, so remember that safeword, but he maytreat you like delicate procelain at first.
What it all boils down to is honest communcation and time. Be prepared for things to take some time before he gets past it - but, in the end, you deserve a guy who will not get too hung up on it, and will make you happy. Just be willing to work for it.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (12 October 2010):
 It's perfectly normal for him to feel nervous, like he's going to hurt or scare you. Reassure him that you will tell him to stop if it hurts, or if you're uncomfortable, or anything. You may want to come up with some kind of "safe word" or something just so he has something he can rely on. You're going to just have to talk about it and get some good communication going, and he may need a little time to relax.
As for the virginity thing, you need to explain to him that rape and sex are not the same thing. Rape does make you less of a virgin. Virginity is really more of a state of mind than about a hymen, since many women tear theirs from other activities. I'm really sorry this happened to you, I hope you can get him to see that really you are a virgin. Make sure also that you're ready for it, since the feeling can bring back memories you might not have expected. Have you ever talked to a therapist about your experiences?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2010): I am so sorry that you had to go through that. In my opinion there are guys who would understand better than others. This is the guy saying that he is not your first. when in your eyes he really is. that is something my husband would say ( i have been abused but not raped ) He needs to understand that your were abused you were not consentual with the activity and that he would be your "first". He needs to understand and please make him understand before you go any further, it may not end up well if you dont. He is going to think you are more "expericened" or that you are judging him based on yuor past but that is not the case. And in my opinion when it is real and it is meaningful.... it is love. Are you in love? is he in love? If he is he will understand your past and accept it just as you have. Think about the long term, like i said i have been abused not the extent you have but i have and my husband gives me grife over it sometimes. But it is something i could not control, i cannot take back and i have to live with. The person you choose to share your body with has to live with your past. Make him understand and be ok with it and not hold it against you or it will not be good for you and dont waist your first time with someone who is like that. It is meant for someone special even if it is not "technically" your first. Hope all the best to you!
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A
female
reader, fi_the_tree  +, writes (12 October 2010):
 He's probably scared to death that if you start talking about it, then the can of worms will open up again, you'll shut yourself of and he'll lose you. Even though you have said that you have accepted it and it's behind you, i kind of don't blame him for feeling apprehensive about it all.
Maybe you should take the first step, sit down with him, and explain that you are fine talking about it, then talk to him. Tell him how much you love him and how you know he'll never hurt you and that you are willing to take it slow if needs be. He ultimately needs reasuring that everything is going to be ok, that you're not going to shut down and break it off with him.
I wish you all the best hun xx
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (12 October 2010):
 Ok i can understand why he would feel that its a touchy subject and he doesnt want to be talking about it, but you seem to be comfortable enough to talk to him about it so sit him down and tell him how you feel. Explain to him that you have overcome what happened you in the past and that you are not going to let it ruin your and his future. Tell him you are happy in this relationship and want things to keep moving forward and tell him that if you ever feel uncomfortable you will be open and honest with him but just reassure him that you are happy.
As for him not being your first this is quite an immature thing of him to say. As abuse is not sex or losing your virginity you were abused so tell him that you were only a child you probably didnt even understand back then the extent of what was happening to you, tell him in your eyes you are still a virgin because you have never had loving sex with a partner and you want to experience this for the first time with him.
I am really sorry about what happened you in the past and good on you for dealing with it and being open about it. He is probably very worried that if you sleep together it might bring back awful memories for you but just reassure him that its completely different. And also he needs to support you and comfort you with this and not make it all about him.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2010): I've been through this with a lover,a spouse, and a good friend I might add.
Yes, he is your "first", and he needs to understand the difference between rape and abuse, of any type, and love and sex. The good thing is that you have taken it slow, and talked some. Keep up the good work.
He and you both need to talk about it, a lot, and more than either of you probably want to talk, because talking helps you and he both to really understand what can happen sexually in even a great relationship when there has been sexual abuse in the past with one of the partners.
Before you take the next step, talk about it more in depth, and then take the next steps slowly, gently, and patiently. Get help to understand things, and get resources (books and internet sources both).
In my case, by way of illustration only, and leaving out the gory details, my partner had been neglected as a child, left exposed by her parents to a sexual predator when a teen, then sexually exploited and abused, then raped multiple times over a period of years by different people. She didn't want to talk about it, and didn't want me to know the full extent of things, she felt she was "damaged goods" because of what happened.
I knew only about one rape, not the full story of that either. She had sexual problems, although she was a great lover from the giving part she wasn't able to get the level of satisfaction from sex that either of us would have wanted her to have. Sex became a chore, a feared chore that I didn't realize was feared, I stopped asking for it because of rejection that I didn't understand, and she kept it in, and she felt I stopped asking because I'd lost interest in her (she felt rejected even as she was rejecting me) even though I'd been rather blunt on some occasions, so sex disappeared largely and that wasn't working for me. I almost left. I considered an affair. I finally pushed and pushed and pushed for more talk, because it was either we figured this out or I had to leave, because it can drive you crazy.
Then, the damn broke. The story was far worse than I'd ever expected...but within a week of beginning to talk she was actually having wanting sex more often and (extraordinarily surprising to both of us) for the first time in her life was having orgasms during sex.
Have him read this...patience and understanding are the most important things in this situation.
If he's a good guy, he may turn out to be the best thing in life for you. I know that I've been told that for years now, and it is a wonderful feeling.
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