A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Short version: My gf is mad at me because I didn’t ask her if she wanted to go home early so that she can study for her exam even though it was an event that she wanted and chose to go to.Long version:1. Background: Gf had to study for a few exams the following week.2. It’s Sunday. I drove to pick her up for breakfast. Afterward, I drove her to do her free tax return. Afterward, I drove her and her siblings to see their parents one hour away.3. Before we left her parents’ place, she was debating to herself whether she should go to a small music performance since she had exams to study. She finally decided to go “just for 1-2 hours” since we were already outside. Before leaving her parents’ place, I had told her that I would go home with her if she wanted to go home instead.4. We arrived at the performance at about 7pm and left at about 11pm. I didn’t get home until about 12am. During the entire performance time, we were side-by-side. I went with her when she needed to use the restroom. I went with her when she was thirsty and wanted water. We were not separated at any time during the time. She seemed very happy and seemed to enjoy the show.5. During the show, she asked me 2 or 3 times if I liked it, and I responded yes each time. At about 11pm, we got out to the valet parking and waited. Her mood changed completely and gave me a pissed attitude that I didn’t ask her if she wanted to go home earlier since she had exams to study. I was flabbergasted. I had taken her to a few events before at my friends’ places, and I had asked her each time when she wanted to leave.6. I didn’t ask her this time, and she was pissed saying that “I don’t care for her.” And that I “only cared for myself.” And she wanted me to apologize for not asking her. Frankly, if I had cared for myself, I would have let her wandering in an unfamiliar place by herself going to the restroom and getting water. And if I had cared for myself, I would’ve drove home instead of going to the performance that she wanted to. I had told her many times that I could drive her to the performance or her home, whichever one that she wanted.7. I asked her why she didn’t just tell me that she wanted to go home. Her response was that if I cared for her, then I should have asked her. And then she said that she asked me already a few times INDIRECTLY when she asked if I liked the show. According to her, I was supposed to ask her if she wanted to go home from THAT implied question. She also responded that she did not ask directly because she already knew that I would say no, because I said earlier that I liked the show. I was already proven guilty before given a chance. I tried to reason with her that her assumption and accusation were incorrect, and that she never gave me a chance to respond. Of course, she refused to listen to reason and said if cared for her, then I should have asked her.8. She is now mad at me. I feel that I just can not reason with her for something so simple. I feel she overreacted in an immature manner. She was the person who wanted to go in the first place knowing full well that she had exams to study. That was her responsibility, not mine. I feel like I’m just a piece of lemon; squeeze and then throw away.9. How do I deal with this situation?
View related questions:
her ex, immature Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, xanthic +, writes (2 February 2011):
 She's definitely the one with an issue, you did nothing wrong by answering a simple and seemingly unrelated question. I don't understand why some girls play these bullshit games, what does it really accomplish? It's like she's trying to corner you into thinking you're responsible for her mistakes. You aren't, at all.
As for how do deal with this, don't ever indulge her by apologizing. You have nothing to apologize for, if she really wanted to go home she could've said 'I want to go home'. You've tried to reason with her and that's gotten you nowhere, it's time to distance yourself until she cools off. Don't acknowledge her mood, just back off for a while.
She acts like this because she knows it gets a reaction from you. If she sees it's not getting the reaction she wants (which I'm guessing is for you to feel guilty and apologize, which takes the blame off her) she'll stop doing it. This behavior is very common for people that are passive-aggressive and bipolar, there's no way to reason with them because their logic doesn't make sense. They think everyone thinks the same way, which is why they seem to have unspoken 'rules' and expect everyone to already know them.
With any luck she'll eventually learn that you won't tolerate this immature behavior, and that it's pushing you away. If it continues and she does this often, it's time to reconsider why you're with her. No one should have to put up with this kind of crap, it's manipulative and can even become emotionally abusive.
A
female
reader, TasteofIndia +, writes (1 February 2011):
 Funny that all guys have answered this. And for the most part, I completely agree with them. Somehow in the moment we feel this way, but ultimately it is crap and crazytalk. She should have just said, "hey, I have to study. Are you ready to go home soon?", but decided instead to BS around it and then suddenly get mad at you for not being a mind reader. She sounds high maintenance. If you stay with her, understand that she will probably demand a man who is willing to maintain her.
What I don't think the guys got right is the way to approach her about this. Hitting her with a bunch of "YOU YOU YOU"s will only throw her into the defense. You will get hit back with a whirlwind of "YOU YOU YOU"s. You'll get into a situation that you do NOT want to be in, and I think you'll be surprised how this conversation turns into a shitstorm and bites you in the butt.
Instead, you should approach this with a bunch of "I I I"s. You be the sensitive one. Say things like, "I can't always know what you're thinking. I won't always know the right thing that you need me to ask. I was really frustrated tonight because I thought you were having fun, and suddenly I had screwed up by not seeing that you weren't." - that is how you win at this game. It is much less accusatory and you show sensitivity. It is more likely to result in her being enlightened to things she does that hurts you.
From a female, that is the language that would work best here. Good luck, my darling!
...............................
A
male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (1 February 2011):
 I think merawder's on the ball... Seems like a high maintenance girl playing games and refusing to take responsibility for her own actions. Could be wrong though, maybe she was just in a bad mood? I have to ask, has she acted like this to you before?
All I can say is that you shouldn't back down, it is not your responsibility to ask her what she wants... even babies scream for attention when they need something.
You're not her 24 hour a day carer, nor a mind reader, so don't accept the blame for being neither.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2011): Dude, I was in the same situation. You're a nice guy and she knows it. She's blaming you for her own mistakes. When she comes up with BS like, I asked if you liked the show, you did, so I had to stay. You reply back with BS, like, I asked if you like ham sandwiches on Thursday, you did so we stayed. If she wanted to leave, she should've said that. You didn't force her to go, you didn't force her to stay. Maybe next time you can care about her and her exams by going with a different girl so that she has ample time to study. Soo much unbelievable amounts of BS.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2011): I agree with Merawder. Her exam, her decision, her fault. You're not her Dad, or her babysitter. She's playing games. Imagine if all not you were like, "oh! you have exams!we should go soon!" That would just be overbearing and "dadyy-ing" her.
Tell her just like you told us here: "Honey, grow up. This was YOUR event, YOU made the decision to go knowing you had exams, YOU never once mentioned leaving earlier, then YOU felt pissed because you ran out of time to study. This was your decision, and your consequences. I'm not responsible for your decisions, YOU are."
If she's at all worth keeping as a girlfriend, she'll know you're right. If not, time to move on to someone who's not going to play head games.
...............................
A
male
reader, Merawder  +, writes (1 February 2011):
She is playing games.
This is why you see jokes on sitcoms and stuff about "women being impossible to understand." Those jokes refer to her.
Not sure what you should do, I don't think you are in the wrong at all. I wouldn't just apologize as it opens the door for her to make accusations like this in the future.
Although, as a guy, I may be biased ;P
...............................
|
