A
female
age
36-40,
*iss_confused87
writes:Hi, this is the first time I have used a forum for advice. I know a lot of people will judge me negatively but all constructive comments are really appreciated.I have been with my husband for 7 years and married for 6 months. I love him very much- we have been through many highs and lows together. However the relationship has hit rocky times recently, I have tried talking to him but his relationship with cannabis often gets in the way. He is a good man but feels no need to make any effort in relationship since getting married.Just before getting married I started doing some project work with a guy at work. We are very similar an get on great- he too is married. I always thought he was hot but never thought it would go anywhere. At a conference last night, we hot very drunk and ended up sleeping together. It was amazing, after we stayed up till 5am talking. Today it wasn't awkward an we both agreed we didn't regret it or even feel guilty. I now want to pursue this man and I think he may feel the same. We both don't want divorces or for it to become serious, we want to keep it quiet an hidden, so is there any harm in getting involved with him?
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female
reader, Miss_confused87 +, writes (20 March 2011):
Miss_confused87 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell I stopped contacting my colleague...which has been difficult seeing as we work together. It has been a week and I'd heard nothing from him. Then today he texts me, he was sweet, asking if I was ok, if I was still talking to him etc. I replied stating things were fine and talked work to diffuse anything. He kept twxting and I kept replying. I can't stop myself. I then asked where we were going and he stated an affair would never live up to expectations. However he continued to flirt and be suggestive. I know what he is doing .... He wants his cake and to eat it. I don't know where I stand with him so finished the conversation. The things is he is obviously into me - and the way I feel about him I just can't walk away. I thought I had this one sorted and could get over him. Contact with him makes me happy. He is genuinely a really good guy and I think that's what's holding him back. I think I am going to keep contact with him and see where it goes. If it gets serious I will reevaluate but at the moment it's good and exactly what I want. Maybe we are both awful people or maybe we are both in unhappy marriages and have just found something with someone new. Just an update for all those who took the time to write a reply to me- I have taken it all on board - I just can't walk away from something which makes me so happy. :(
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2011): Instead of comparing the sex with your hb and deciding it is not good, do something about it. Teach your hb what you want and tell him what turns u on.
I am sure your hb is also used to the boring sex from u so he too is missing out on good sex.
As for that married guy, well let his wife enjoy his good sex or another woman, you, well keep your legs closed, fingers crossed and get out of harms way.
LoveGirl
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A
male
reader, idoneitagain  +, writes (16 March 2011):
It sounds like you have a much better sense of what you want now. As time passes it will become clearer whether you are on the right track for you or not over time, but at least it sounds like you are doing what is best for you right now. As things change over time, you will know what is right for you, trust your insticts. Good luck going through this challenging time.
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A
female
reader, Miss_confused87 +, writes (15 March 2011):
Miss_confused87 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAfter much deliberation and advice from a close friend, I have decided I owe it to my husband to try and work out my marriage. I still have feelings for my colleague but realistically he was never going to leave his wife for me- therefore I would be leaving my husband for nothing. I worry about not being able to refuse this other man if the occasion comes up again but I need to try and forget about him. Even if it hurts me just now - I never meant to get so involved. I know I will miss my colleague in a relationship sense- if only I had met him 7 years ago. I know I don't sound convinced by my decision and that's because I'm not but it's the right thing to do. If I'm still unhappy in 6 months time(without the influence of another man) then I know it's over with my husband. It's just a shame the sex was so awesome and it just doesn't compare at home :(
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A
male
reader, idoneitagain +, writes (11 March 2011):
You are right, you don't know what to do. What would it take for you to be able to think clearly about this situation, to be able to see all your options or choices, and make a sensible one that is good for you?Some people take a few days vacation, or speak to a counsellor who can help you through this confusing time. To me, the fundamental question is simply whether or not you want to try and save your marriage, and work with your husband on making your relationship better. It pretty much all stems on that answer. If you don't want to be with him any more, your marriage is holding you back from being happy. If you want to be with him, it is a bad idea to continue having an affair. To not be sure and blindly stay married and pursue an affair is probably your most enjoyable in the short term and most damaging and difficult option in the long run, in my opinion. You are better off taking the smart option now, whichever that is for you. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, TEM  +, writes (10 March 2011):
 Honey, you have to choose. It's either your marriage or being single again. I wouldn't count on the married guy being there if you get divorced, as you don't know if he wants out of his marriage.
Also, wanting out and getting out are two different things. Generally speaking, married men in unhappy marriages would much rather have an affair than get divorced. Women file for divorce. Men rarely do.
The high embarrassment factor is something we all face. Take that out of the equation. Is your marriage worth saving? If so, make an appointment with a marriage counselor. If you have no desire to do this, that is a red flag.
You will never be able to fix what is wrong in your marriage while having an affair. Your focus will just not be there. It will be a waste of time and money. It will also give your husband false hope. You have to decide.
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A
female
reader, Miss_confused87 +, writes (10 March 2011):
Miss_confused87 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOk unfortunately, this appears to be back firing on me. I can't stop thinking about this other man and I'm now questioning whether I should be looking for a divorce. I do love my husband but the fact I am looking for something with this man surely means I'm not happy. I can't stand the shame of a divorce though, not after the big White wedding and the embarassment it would bring to my parents. What is horrible is that my husband would excuse an affair rather than get divorced as well. A few days on this is starting to feel like a real mess. While I have not seen my work colleague as he is rest days, his texts confuse me and I just don't know what to do now. At the moment I want my colleague, not my husband. What do I do now?
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A
male
reader, idoneitagain +, writes (9 March 2011):
I am not sure what constructive comments you are looking for, you only really ask one question which has a pretty straightforward answer that you will already know most likely. So I will just comment and you can take what is helpful. You start this post by saying you love your husband very much, but then go on to explain that you want to pursue an affair. This is contradictory. If you loved your husband, the loving action would have been to warn him of, and work through, the things threatening your marriage, and the things you are unhappy about in your marriage. To say "I love my husband but I want to pursue an affair" does not make a lot of sense, and does not indicate clear thinking. The only question you ask is, is there any harm in pursuing your affair. The naivety of this question also suggests a lack of clear thinking. Having an affair might feel exciting, fun, stimulating, but to think that you can have an affair without there being any harm is totally naive. Actually, the harm has already been done, and started before the affair did. The harm started with your unhappiness in your marriage and your inability to deal with it within your marriage, which has in part resulted in this affair. This might be the most painful part, and the affair might be something you are doing to overcome the pain you are putting yourself through by not working out the issues in your marriage with your husband. The harm for you in pursuing an affair might come in many forms, but even if you don't expereince any guilt, if no one finds out, if it all works out how you imagine, the harm you do to yourself in leading a double life from your husband and not being able to be true to yourself will be of itself very harmful to you, and it is not something I recommend. The path you are choosing has to have some form of psychological harm to you, in the person you are choosing to become. We become the things that we do all the time. If you are lying and being deciteful through this affair, this results in the person you become. There are many other possible future forms of harm which might come about, but those cannot be predicted. The reality is also, most affairs come out in the end, and then the harm gets dished around. Like others before, it is naive to think you won't get caught. If you have read many posts on this site you will know this, as it is full of people who have caught their partner out or been caught out, or are confessing and working through it, etc. You, your husband, the guy and his wife, and any kids involved, are all most likely in for a rough time, and the damage has already been done unfortunately. If I were you, I would think deeply about the choices you have and actions you need to take in order to make your life better, to make it everything you had hoped for, and follow that path. To be honest, I am not sure it is the path you are on, but it is not for me or anyone else to decide for you which life you should lead, its your life. Good luck.
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A
male
reader, Jmtmj +, writes (9 March 2011):
 Cheating just before getting married, not feeling guilty or regretting cheating, pursuing an affair with a married man all of which your husband is completely unaware of.
You are everything I don't want in a wife.
Work on your marriage for god sake and grow up.
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A
female
reader, TEM +, writes (8 March 2011):
I'd say you already are involved with him. What do you want to know? If it is possible to have your cake and eat it too, and if so, for how long? An office affair is a ticking time bomb.
You know the dangers involved. You could get caught, in which case it would end, and there is the possibility that one or both of you might get tossed out of your houses and marriages. Also, it's usually not a good idea to have affairs with coworkers. Your jobs may be in jeopardy there.
Neither of you are completely happy at home. You are not happy with your husband because he smokes pot and checks out on you. I am sure this man is not happy with his wife for some reason too.
The answer is not an affair. An affair is just a distraction with possible real life consequences. It distracts you from doing the difficult thing - working on your marriage.
Good luck keeping it hidden. Today there are lots and lots of ways to get caught (email, text, cell phone). You increase the odds of getting caught when you have an affair with a coworker.
Also, good luck keeping it light and fun. When you are intimate with someone, I don't care how light and fun it seems at the time, you leave a piece of your heart behind. The longer you stay involved, the deeper it gets.
These things end, and when they do they end badly, usually leaving broken hearts, broken homes, and ruined reputations in their wake. As my mom use to say, "it's all fun and games until someone gets hurt."
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