A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Found out that in her past my girlfriend had been in a MMF threesome and thought it was pretty hot. Makes me uncomfortable. I mean, how could I EVER compete with that? (that's a rhetorical question). I want to believe that all the best sexual experiences my woman has had have been with me. Yeah, pretty naive, I know. But with this MMF, I KNOW I'm not even CLOSE. Q: (for guys) How do you come to terms with such things? Q: (for women) If you've had MMF, do you find yourself wanting it more? Did you find your standard MF sex with future boyfriends, husbands, whatever, was lame in comparison? Did you fantasize about your MMF often? Did you fantasize about it afterward while in standard MF sex with boyfriends?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2009): I am not sure how you can come to grips with this, all I can say is that recently my wife wanted a mmf. So I agreed to it, and she enjoyed it a lot. But after our relationship was just fine. The sex with her and I alone is different than with another. If you are not a "fuck buddy" then you should be able to compete with the mmf she did earlier, basically don't worry about it.
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male
reader, Pyroshadow +, writes (17 September 2009):
Okay. So your kind in the same boat as me just less. She did it a few times, my gf and her ex did it a lot... and a lot more then just a threesome.
SO how do you compete with that? You dont. It took me a little while to figure that out too. You just don't.
You have to start looking at it this way, she is staying with you right? Then you are BETTER then two guys at once.
Yeah that's right better! Until I heard my gf actually say those words to me, I had the same problem you did. I actually still have a problem with her past. She done some pretty awful stuff.
I felt like you do too, why should I choose to be with someone who done something I disagree with so much.
I can find someone who hasnt had a slutty past.
I know that is EXACTLY how you feel, because that is exactly how I feel.
You struggle with it everyday, should I leave her and just stop tormenting us both, or should I stick it out. And when you think about what she doesn you just cant look at her and be disappointed and think less of her.
Its hard but think about it like this, yeah you can leave her, that ball is always in your court. You will find someone who hasn't done those types of things. But, will you love her like you love your girlfriend?
Will you have that speical connection with her? will she laugh at your dumb jokes and make you smile on your worst days?
Its a risk, love is a risk.
You brain might be confused but your heart knows, your heart always knows the answer.
I'm not gona lie to you, it does go away. You will always feel kind of awful and struggle. It just get easier to deal with.
Some of the people who comment on your have commented on mine. Feel free to read.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/how-to-get-over-her-promicuous-past-including.html
Take care.
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female
reader, CupidGirl826 +, writes (3 September 2009):
Just curious, you say genes? I mean what do you have to offer? When I think of genes, I only think of a few things.1. Looks2. Health History3. Possibly heritage (German, etc)4. Even ageLook-wise, are you at least 6'0, do you have blue or green eyes? How's your teeth, are your teeth naturally straight - or did you need braces as a kid. Some women prefer dark hair or others light - it depends what she favors. Are you naturally fit, body-wise. How's your nose? Your jawline, etc. Even your skin, did you issues with acne, etc. Even muscle definition, even body builders have a weak part of their body, if can be the calves, their back, etc.I mean it's tough...anything in the looks department is tough to beat, because most people men or women don't have it all. And what one person finds beautiful, another will find average. Health-wise, you could have anything from heart issues, blood pressure, cancer, to even disorders in your background: Alzheimer, schizophrenia, etc. This is included in your "gene" package.Heritage, it depends, some women will favor a French heritage over a German one, etc. It just depends on preferences.Genes have nothing to do with your sex life. No woman in the entire world will be with you for the kind of sex you have to offer, except a virgin because she will have nothing to compare to you, you'd always be the best she had, lol. The last thing is age. For years, people thought the woman's age had to do with the health of a child (or less chance of defects). Which I won't deny, younger women = less chance of a birth defect, it's the facts. But what people just NOW noticed is men's age play a role too. Disclaimer: The information below, was a lecture a few semesters ago, I will try to remember what I can from it.I don't know if you remember biology class when it talked about DNA, when it concerned the constant flow of DNA replication. They may have had models of the DNA double helix, that looked like a stair case. Well if you recall on the model, it was probably full color (I'm not going in details about what the model represents) and on the "stairs" of the model it was a bar with two different colors on the same bar. These two colors are supposed to match every time this bar is replicated.How do we age? What happens is this DNA bar over time, it makes mistakes. The wrong color matches up with another, and it's an error. Overtime, these "errors" accumulate. Men had thought, what they're pumping out is just as good as it was when they were 20. WRONG. Once a man hit's 30, apparently they have enough "errors" that their child will have a higher chance of developing schizophrenia (and I think possibly autism). I'm not saying any guy walking around having kid's in their 30's or 40's will be having kids with these orders, NO, but there is a slightly higher risk (even though it may be minimal).The point of this, even right there - YOU'RE BEAT! There are younger men out there that can provide "better genes" than you can. So, it's tough. Personally, my opinion, I'm tired of people saying everyone's sexual past is "history." and we should all forget about it. I think it shows their character and values. No offense but your GF doesn't have either of these or class or respect, no woman in their right mind would do those things if they had any amount of decency. What two committed people do between each other, I can see. But the moment you bring people in like that, they have no respect or no standards. By doing that she has already shown you, she does what "feels good," not what is "right." And when you're with someone long-term, doing what's "right" is important. You can respond with all the liberal BS, and the feminists can respond as well, etc. But these are the facts. Good Luck
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2009): @rhythmandblues2-- "I hate to burst your bubble..."I think you missed my point because you pretty much made it for me. Yes, there are many reasons why a woman chooses a mate: provider, genes, etc. I want to be chosen for genes because it minimizes the chances my mate will be unsatisfied and look for someone else. I'm not making a controversial point here. This is just what's hard-wired into men's brains. You just choose not to abstract at this level. I do because it's more precise than speaking in vague platitudes like "be a person worthy of love", "putting your partner's needs above your own", etc. Puke :)-- "If sex is the most important thing to you, you are already lost. Good sex is about 10% of a good relationship, bad sex is about 90% percent of a relationship if it is absent or isn't good."Second sentence is a good one. Very true. Supports my point though. I want sex to be 10% of MY good relationship. That's WHY I want to have good sex. In light of the second sentence the first doesn't make sense. -- "She experimented and she had both types of threesomes, ONCE, if she had wanted to do it again because it was so Amazing she would have."True-- "frankly I find it sad that you think...", "You really need to get over yourself"Come on. Don't be a-hole. People lay themselves bare on here. I asked this question because I don't feel comfortable talking to anyone I know about it. Having to read comments like this doesn't make me feel any better about it. I just stumbled upon this website and it seems like an awesome, supportive community. Don't ruin it for people with insensitive comments.
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female
reader, CupidGirl826 +, writes (31 August 2009):
I'm having a similar problem, except I'm the woman in the relationship. I'm involved with someone that's very open minded and I know I'd never do some of the things they did. It's hard being with someone that's just done so much when it concerns the bedroom and knowing you have limits, etc. With the time apart, even though my partner says it doesn't matter, I feel he can be better suited to someone that's as open minded as him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2009): Yes, rhythmandblues2, just criticize the man for his feelings. Why should we admit the potential for harm in certain sexual choices? It's much easier to just blame the next person for the problems that it bestows on them.There is nothing stupid about knowing that your lover's biggest turn-on is something you will NEVER be able to come close to giving them. The guy asking this question is the one with the normal healthy emotional reaction to what has happened here. He is not the problem. It's wrong to try to make him out to be the problem just because everyone else don't like the alternative: admitting that his GF's wild sexual past is causing lasting consequences years later.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2009): Dude, you are way over the top, frankly I find it sad that you think that her wanting you for your "genes" and that you want her to want you just for your great sexual chemistry a bit immature. You know love in your 20's is all about orgasms.
I hate to burst your bubble, but women are attracted to men at a subconscious level based on what they perceive as someone who can improve their genes with their offspring, but they make a conscious decision about choosing a mate for very different reasons, and being a good provider is one of them, also your character as a man is paramount....in the end, it has little to do with 'genes' in our modern society because we are all perfect, we already have been chosen because of our genes, the survival of the fittest has already seen to that.
So you are way off track here as to what is really bothering you. You are worried that she is going to want to revisit her sexual past at some point.
Well, you asked the question so you had better be able to handle the answer. She experimented and she had both types of threesomes, ONCE, if she had wanted to do it again because it was so Amazing she would have. I would bet money on it that her threesomes were very unsatisfying and pale in comparison to one on one sex, ESPECIALLY with someone she has great chemistry with and is in love with, YOU.
If sex is the most important thing to you, you are already lost. Good sex is about 10% of a good relationship, bad sex is about 90% percent of a relationship if it is absent or isn't good. You have already established that you have great chemistry with her, so you are good to go there.
You really need to get over yourself. Someday, you will learn that love is not about feelings it is about commitment and wanting to be a person worthy of love. It is about putting your partner's needs above your own. This is a conscious decision that both of you will make, it isn't based on some evolutionary bull shit.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2009): if you had a FFM threesome somewhere in your past, would you feel your girlfriend could never compare to that? ...Ofcourse not!would you always be fantasising about it? ...occasionaly.so get over it!
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2009): Thx to everyone for their responses. This has been incredibly helpful and I LOVE this site.@rhythmandblues2 - She actually didn't brag about it. It came up because I asked her if she'd been in a 3-some. She said yes. Then I asked MMF or MFF and she said she'd been in both. I asked in the first place because she'd made some half-joking comment about how she'd share her best friend with me. That's what got me tha thinkin'. She didn't actually use the word "hot" to describe it but I could read between the lines. However, she did mention it was a one-time thing and that she has no intention of doing it again. Still, I feel a bit uncomfortable about it. Some good evolutionary biological reasons for that that I'll mention below.@anonymous - But WHAT is that memory like? Is it vivid? Is it something you come back to frequently? Even something you come back to while intimate with your husband? Does the strength of the memory seem to be dying with time? On the "making love" you mention...yes, agreed, good advice. Whenever I made love with a woman (as opposed to just sex) it was powerful and strong in such a way that all other thoughts (including ones of past lovers) faded.@Sincerely Yours - I agree with you. I CAN'T compete with that, which is why I'd feel more comfortable with a woman whose best sexual experiences I COULD compete with. Sure, with the woman I have now I can just focus on doing the best with what I have...but what's the point as long as I'll always be a distant runner-up in the sexual category? Maybe I'm a better all-around package than other experiences she's had or people she's been with...but that's not enough for me. I want to be the best sexual experience. Maybe this is just to naive and unreasonable I desire and I just need to learn to get over it. @q1605 - Well put. Here's the problem though: she's with me now for a whole bunch of reasons which obviously aren't exclusively sexual. The sexual are the most important to me I guess. I don't want a woman choosing to be with me because she thinks, say, I'd be a good provider. I want her to want me genes. (that's more of my evolutionary biology bias talking :)@troubledtoomuch - Interesting perspective I hadn't thought of. Can't be the best in every component of the intimate relationship. Just not going to happen. It still remains though, my girlfriend may not want to trade me for some other guy or experience...but her wishing that our sex was more like sex with someone else...that still bothers me.@quiet-echo - OK, this is very helpful to know. Her comments about it kind of match yours. Did it. It was fun. Done. Not going back. One thing I might add along similar lines is that ALL memories are going to fade with time. Even REALLY hot sexual encounters I'd had 5yrs ago have largely faded from memory. I can't even really conjure them up to masturbate! For some reason that makes me feel a lot better :) hah. Oh, and good pickup on the non-moralizing tone. If I had it my way all normative terms (e.g., ought, should, good, bad, right, wrong, justified,...) would be struck from our vocabulary. But that's a different post. Yeah, with this I don't see there being anything moral about it. It just is. And I'm left to figure if I can personally stomach what it is. @anonymous ("hi there...) - Thanks for the perspective. This helps. I suppose this is even stronger with women than it is with men (given their biological hard-wiring). So that makes this easier to stomach. Your sentiments seem to be echoed by a number of women. @anonymous ("ok, so she thought...) - "don't the simplest of experiences somehow still feel intensely good?" Great line and very true. Last time we had sex, in fact, it was simple quick and SO enjoyable. I guess I could turn what you're saying about having the same thing and not wanting that ALL the time...well, I'M the same thing. I guess I'm not worried about her wanting MMF ALL the time. I'm just worried about her wanting it, say, 1/10th of the time. I mean, if every 10 times we had sex one of those times she were thinking, "if i could just get some more of that spit-roast action..." that'd kill me! BUT, according to a couple women readers on here, that isn't really the case.MY THOUGHTS:I tend to view these things with an evolutionary biology perspective. All of our objectives are to have the most surviving offspring. As a man, one of the WORST things that can happen to you is to be made a cuckold. So, I want to minimize the chances of that happening. So, for example, one thing I definitely would NOT do is go around advertising how much money I have. That's a great way to attract women who are interested in you as a provider but not necessarily for your genes. Instead, I'd rather be with a woman who loves being with me because we have incredible sexual chemistry. With that sort of woman it seems much less likely that she'd be looking around for better genes. Apparently she found them and that was manifested in our incredible sex. So, as this relates to the MMF my girlfriend had: I don't want this to be something that inspires her to long for sexual experiences besides those with me. If it's a checklist thing, she doesn't really think about, it's fading from her memory quickly, she REALLY cares about loving sex, etc., then I feel better. BUT if she compartmentalizes her time with me and the crazy, fun sexual experiences in her life, then I do NOT feel better. In that case I feel like the provider waiting to be made a cuckold since it's only a matter of time before she wants to re-visit her sexual desires - which aren't satisfied by me alone. Another thing I think about is not just the effect the MMF had on her itself but, rather, the signal that it sends me about her probable sexual promiscuity in the future. A girl with an MMF under her belt I bet is much more likely to cheat. That's just my bet. I certainly don't have any data to back that up :)I'll stick around with her. I like her. But, in my mind, it does knock her down a notch. All else constant, I'd choose the woman has NOT had an MMF.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2009): Very nice RandB2. That adds a lot to the typical discussion of getting over a partner's past.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2009): On the surface your question seems to be about how you will compare to your girlfriend's threesome experience with three men and the fact that she bragged about it to you by calling it pretty hot.
Some of the aunts have spoken to that superficial topic.
But let's do something else, let's look at the deeper issue at hand.
Most people will tell you that you are acting and feeling "jealous" of her past lovers. But how can you actually be jealous of someone who no longer has what you now have, your girlfriend? People will tell you that you need to get over it, be the man, be more mature and just move on.
However, it is idiotic to tell you that. Love by it's very nature is possessive. We don't date someone or fall in love with someone with the idea in mind that they won't be our last, that our lover will be with someone else someday, we don't go into it with the end in mind. Otherwise, why would we ever marry? We would all just expect to move on from one person to the next for the rest of our lives, and it is the very idiotic notion that we need to get over our lover's past loves that perpetuates this moving on mentality, temporary loves in our lives.
But, let's say we want our relationship with our beloved to be primary, to be exclusive, yes, to be "special". Otherwise, we don't feel our love is going to last, it is threatened at it's very core because our exclusivity with each other is threatened, and so is the primacy of the relationship with our beloved.
So, your girlfriend doesn't get this about you, in fact she may be the type of woman who uses sex to control men. She is bragging to you about her sexual past, her escapades, not realizing that true love begs to be special, to be primary, to be exclusive. She doesn't understand that men don't want to picture the girl they love with other men laying on top of her, and especially two men having their way with her. That is what she left out of her insensitve comment to you about her threesome being pretty hot.
You don't have to change your mind about any of this. You love the woman and you now feel a bit threatened. The only thing that is going to make you feel unthreatened is if she reassures you, no promises you that it won't be happening again, that she did it as a lark, and she understand's that you aren't jealous, but in love with her, and with that comes a certain responsibility.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2009): I have had a MFF experience before I was saved. I have been married for five years two kids and would never share that with my husband. OK.....Honestly, the memory is just that. NOTHING compares to love. If this is a relationship you want to last, focus on loving her(make sweet love to her). Candles, wine & stuff. Every woman wants to feel like a princess. Do that and she'll forget all about anyone else she's ever had. Hope this helps!
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2009): I don't have experience here i'm sorry, but let me tell you something i thought of. When youre gf had a MMF, that meant she had four hands, 20 fingers, 2 mouths, and 2 penises. You should not be comparing yourself that or try to compete with it, or feel incompentent to it! It's like asking someone which they like better: the chocolate milk or the mashed potatoes. I would never expect my milk to be like my potatoes nor the other way around.
Your gf will never be disappointed that you can't give her what that threesome gave her. It's not the same thing, it's incomparable. Try to relax and do what you can with your two hands, ten fingers, one mouth and one dingdong. Take care,
~Sy.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2009): No matter what type of sex a person has had with different people, one thing will normally be a given. One or more of the past partners will have been better at something then their current partner. It might be kissing, oral sex, sex in one particular position, the way they cuddled or whatever. This is true for me and my wife and I would guess most people who have had at least a few sexual partners.
Just because you or I are not the best kisser or cuddler or something else that our partner has had doesn't mean that they wish they were with that person instead. They might wish that we were a little better at kissing but they are with us because we are the best all around partner that they have found. I still remember how good one past girlfriend was in bed and how passionate a kisser another one was, but I would not trade my wife for either one of them even if I had the chance.
Neither my wife nor I have ever had a 3some, but I would suspect that is just another thing like that partner who was so good at something else. The guy who knew just how to screw her right to give the best orgasms is the same as the 3some. She might remember how good it was, but that doesn't mean that she would want to leave a current partner to do it or that she misses it and finds sex with her current partner boring. I would like it if my was as great a passionate kisser as that other woman was, but she is better at other things that are more important and I enjoyed sex with her and being with her better than that other women. I would guess that is how most people think about their current sexual partner or situation. It might be a little better if everything about their current partner were the best, but that is rarely the case. Most people are happy with their current sex and partner. I would think that your girlfriend thinks similarly about you compared with that 3some.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2009): thats her past, you're her future. sounds like you won.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2009): hi there, i wouldnt worry too much about this. i also have had an mmf experience and yes it was pretty hot, but!!! since then i have met a great man and however hot i thought the threesome was it would never beat mf sex with someone you love. mmf sex is purely living out a fantasy and doesnt even come close to loving sex between two people who love each other. id just let this go, u have absolutely nothing to compete with.
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reader, rcn +, writes (29 August 2009):
 When she said that and thought it was pretty hot. Did she at all inquire the possibility of having another one?
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