A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'll try to keep this very long story short. Ever since 16, dating has been discouraged by my parents who are strict, school oriented and religious.(note: I was an honor roll student in highschool, award winner, 4.1 GPA, currently studying health sciences in University)I always found a way to balance a boyfriend and school but my parents still never ever wanted me to date anyone due to fears of pregnancy, failing, pressure, getting introduced to drugs. I always had to hide the fact that I'm dating someone (hide contact, texts, never go on any dates except hang around at school) and when my parents would find out I would be threatened with being kicked out of the house, stopping school, asking my "boyfriend" if I could move in with them because my parents no longer want me, living on the streets as a hooker because I don't respect their rules.They're very strict but it's their strict parenting , unfortunately but fortunately, that has made me the perfectionist I am today..I haven't seen my mother for years and she's coming down to visit me from out of the country soon.I am over 20 and have a boyfriend while I'm in university. He is wonderful and very very respectful of me. Never pressured me and always let me decide what I want and want I'm comfortable with. He's introduced me to all of his family whom I see weekly for dinner and tea and they are all aware and encourage me to stay over at his place (I share the bed with him in his room). They're very open and welcoming as well as understanding of our relationship. My parents were very very upset when they found out that I had a boyfriend again. They were even more so upset because I was away from home at university and they couldn't monitor me and my boyfriend, let alone make me break up with him. They accused me of only thinking about sex and that all I'll get from a relationship is ending up pregnant. Eventually, their frustration got to the point where they cut off all support payments (rent, food, and laundry). They cut off all contact with me and told me not to talk to them anymore. I had to drop out of university and look for jobs. Initially I was very scared and didn't want to burden my boyfriend with a potentially homeless girlfriend. Regretfully, I shoplifted groceries to support myself as I had no money. My rent was only going to last a month. Over time I eventually confessed to my boyfriend what happened and he and his family welcomed me with open arms and supported me during this time. Eventually, my mother realized that she didn't want to lose me as a daughter and that they've been very strict with me (this took many MANY many months of no support and wondering how I was doing fending for myself). They were very shocked that I didn't come to them asking for money. I experienced an anxiety attack and was hospitalized on my birthday and I also experienced bouts of depression where, for those several months, I couldn't go to bed without crying.It has been several months for my relationship with my parents to grow healthy. I am in university again (Several months later). After seeing that my grades are still very good despite having a boyfriend in university, and that I am not pregnant, they are a bit more accepting of it. I am still very scared to see my mother after so long and after so many things have happened this past year. My boyfriend really wants to meet her out of respect since she is my family. I am very afraid as I don't know if I should come clean about my relationship with my boyfriend since it involves us spending our entire days and nights together. We're like a family with our little baby cat we got together. Currently, I've been packing all of his clothes and things, hiding every single condom wrapper left lying around to hide any evidence that he stays over because I'm not sure how she would react to this. Should I be honest with how me and my boyfriend spend our time together (how much time we spent together, the fact that he stays over and that I stay over at his house)? Or should I say we just casually see each other now and then? I am very worried and scared about her coming over because I don't know what to expect. I think she will bombard me with question after question and confront me about sex and if I've had an abortion (which I've never had). FACTS: I lost my virginity over the age of 18 and I am currently still with that same person. I've never gotten pregnant and use condoms every single time I have sex with my boyfriend. There are no STD's in our relationship. We are fully committed and the timing of having sex was based on what I was comfortable with. I really don't know what to do if she asks me all these questions. I am also a terrible liar and find it very difficult to lie convincingly. Thank you for your help.
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female
reader, QuartzKitty  +, writes (5 July 2014):
Be honest, and if they have a problem, tell them, in no uncertain terms, to go f*** themselves.I would not put up with that. People either accept me for who I am, or they do not exist in my world. Make it clear to them that either they keep their noses out of your business and let you live your life the way you feel you have to, or you will cut them completely out of your life and will not speak to them again. You've already said that your mother seems afraid to lose you. Put that fear into her, on YOUR terms. Make her realize what such an action would mean: That when and if you have get married, they will not be invited. When and if you have a child, they will never see it. Make it clear that if they want to be part of your life from this moment forward, they will do so on YOUR terms. YOU hold all the cards. You've shown you can live without them. You have the power. Use it if you have to.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (3 July 2014):
 Relax. Don't fall back in fearful child mode. Stop craving approval from your parents. " Do no evil fear no evil "- luckily you have made yours the general guidelines -" do not get pregnant, do not use drugs, do succeed in studies etc."- the details aren't anybody's business but yours . You do not need to lie, just do not volunteer informations, you are an adult now, and since unfortunately you do not have that close complicity mother daughter / bond which would make you WANT to tell her all your stuff, you can have the mutually respectful , reserved relationship that two polite adults would have- so, no intruding into too personal matters. After all, you are not asking your mom details about HER sex life, are you ?!. If she makes precise questions, only answer ( and truthfully ) what you are comfortable with sharing. The rest, be polite and firm and tell her it's private and not up for discussion.
Yeah I get it, you are afraid to piss her off again... but, frankly, .. so ? If they cut your money supply AGAIN , you have already shown to them, and to yourself most of all, that you can handle it. You have the support of your alternative family ( your bf's ) , so that will wet the powders of any of her threats- and she knows it perfectly.
If you are worried about the psychological bad effects on your relationship,-.. well , dear, I know, mom is always mom, even when she is not the best of moms, so you 'd rather not rock the boat . But, you are an adult now, at some point in life you will be faced with decisions where you have to chose whether it is better and more important being right or getting along. I am afraid this is one of those cases.
Then again, your mom should not be surprised, since she obviously believes in being right OVER getting along anytime. I am always hesitant to criticize any parent , because parenting is a difficult job and one easily make mistakes doing it, but, frankly, if your bf's family had not been so supportive and generous you COULD easily have ended up starving on the streets and having to resort to sell your body to survive,- and that a parent would be prefer THAT , rather than having their rules challenged, ...well, , pardon me again, but that is the kind of parent who's easily disposable in your life, i.e. you do not NEED this kind of crap. I am not saying you have to disown her, or that you can't still love her no matter what.... but, that if you should have to love her from a safe distance, with not many contacts and not much closeness, - you will be fine anyway, in fact perhaps it's best. So, be yourself and do not worry.
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A
female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (3 July 2014):
 Perfectionists are like a tight piece of string constantly stressed and waiting for the tension to break or be relaxed. It’s like being on watch 24/7 so you don’t get caught for having a flaw or fail someone who has high expectations of you or your work. I can only imagine their stomachs are in constant knots, fearful of falling short
Your parents use; blackmail, threats, fear, disowner-ship, control, rejection, humiliation and distrust you too unfortunately but fortunately, make you the perfectionist you are today... Congratulations!? Sounds like perfect parenting to some; but tumultuous to others as you will NEVER PLEASE THEM!
Sure enough like most Parents we don’t want to see our children ruin their chances in life, too flit away time, but to aspire to great things and choose healthy pursuits. But to disown and threatened your child to the point of saying you’ll become a hooker on the street... and purposefully cut you off to the point of you shoplifting all because you do not do exactly as they say, is totalitarianism!
With this extreme rule it’s no wonder you’re still a child; fearful of their authority or any pending visit. I would think your Mother should kiss the feet of your boyfriend and his family for welcoming you with open arms and supporting you during that time of your anxiety and depression! Or would she rather have seen you as a Hooker on the street?
If you wish to remain a perfectionist in your Mother’s eyes by all means live forever as a lie and keep hiding evidence... That way you’ll never grow up, stand your ground and be a confident independent thinking adult who takes ownership of your own live :(
As you say; you’re a terrible liar and find it very difficult to lie convincingly... I suggest you don’t start trying now, it’s not essential to share everything. Yet in your case it would be more like reporting in.
Meanwhile you have the support of your boyfriend and his family who don’t judge or condemn you to the streets; they support and give you unconditional love to be free to be you. Keep that in mind :)
Take Care – CAA
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A
female
reader, SeaGreen  +, writes (2 July 2014):
 I'm not surprised you are having such a hard time accepting that your mother will be coming to visit. Based on your experience it's quite normal to be stressed out about this.
There is light at the end of the tunnel! Take a deep breath! It's going to be OK.
Your an adult and while they did help support for a time they cannot control if you date or who you date.
Hold your head up and remember you work hard and are more then capable of having a boyfriend at the same time.
If your Mother questions you about your relationship then politely but firmly say it's none of her business. You are a happy working hard adult and that's all that matters. You don't have to discuss your relationship with your Mother.
Wish you the best!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2014): Just stop placing so much importance on your parents' approval. They are going to love you even if they cannot control you for the rest of your life.
There is no reason to tell your parents everything about your relationship, and the fact that you feel guilty for not doing so makes it even more important that you DO NOT share everything. You are doing nothing wrong. You are an adult. You are responsible. They should be proud. If they raised you right, they should trust that you are making the right decisions.
Mention your boyfriend, and when the time is right, start including him on family gatherings, but NEVER feel obligated to disclose everything to your parents.
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