A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My husband and I got married rather quickly after meeting and falling in love (within 6 months) and have been married for over 2 years now. We have a sweet one year old daughter. We are a Christian family, and I have difficulty considering divorce and really want to reconcile our differences and make our marriage work because of how our religious views see divorce. However, things are really difficult. I feel that he has a very narcissistic personality and has had a lot of problems getting along with my family, friends, and his own family. I really do love my husband, and I know he loves me and our daughter a lot. However, I feel controlled in our marriage. We almost split a few months ago, but we have been steadily working on things since and are trying to make each other happy in this marriage.He recently brought up the idea of moving out of state to Colorado (from Florida). We lived in Colorado for a year and loved it there, but missed family so much and thought it would be best to be around our families when we start having children. We have NO ONE in Colorado, so he is basically just wanting to start over. I'm afraid this is his way of getting everyone (my family and friends) out of my immediate reach to have the option to leave if I wanted to. I'm torn about moving.. I don't want to be trapped, but I don't want to give up on our marriage either. But he claims he is MISERABLE in the city we are in and says all the people here suck and he wants to be around better people, etc. A little background, I used to play softball and have a lot of close friends. My husband doesn't feel comfortable with me playing softball with all of my old friends because my ex plays on one of the teams. Given, my ex is married and has a child, and I have no interest in any other man, he still has accused me of cheating in the past and shows a lot of signs of jealousy and insecurity. I had a friend send me a message online the other day about playing in a softball tournament, and my husband immediately asked if I ever dated that guy and was really suspicious... I feel like he doesn't trust me to be friends with any guys. The times that I have went to a restaurant with my best girl friend or out at night with her, he called and texted a lot, showing his distrust in me. I stay at home with our daughter, which makes me really happy to be able to be at home with her, but I never get a break to go out and do something for myself or with my friends. I feel closed off from the world..My husband has dealt with a lot of insecurities his whole life. He didn't have a lot of friends growing up, and his father wasn't in his life much. The most important thing out of all of this is my daughter. I want to make sure I give her the best life possible. I don't know what to do. I really feel like we need marriage counseling and possibly individual counseling. I don't claim to be perfect, but I do try to do everything I can to make him happy. But in turn, I feel like I've given up a lot in my life, including softball, friends, and the closeness to family. Sorry for the long message. Any advice or insight from your experience would be appreciated. Thank you!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2014): 'A traveller was heading into a city. He met an old man by the side of the road. He asked the old man, "what are the people like in this city?"The old man replied, "what are they like where you've come from? ""Wonderful," replied the traveller. "So warm, generous, open and trustworthy. I was sad to be leaving them. "The old man said, "that's what the people here are like, too."A second traveller was also approaching the city, and met the old man. He asked the same question, "what are the people like in this city?". Again the old man asked, "what are they like where you've come from?"The second traveller replied, "They are terrible. That is why I left. They are ignorant, deceitful, incompetent and unkind. I couldn't wait to get away."The old man replied, "that is what the people here are like too."Your husband is the second traveller.
A
female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (3 July 2014):
 Moving is simply geography! Our problems will follow us as sure as the head is attached to our shoulders.
The issues your Husband has will not give him or you a fresh start! His vanity, those insecurities and signs of jealousy are part of his present day make-up; they will not subside by changing location. I believe the goal is to isolate you even further away as you’ve mentioned. The process has already started!
Although (Christian) counselling is recommended, it will be a long road until he controls his insecurities etc. Divine intervention can always be prayed for to speed up the process if you're so inclined :)
If anything he should face his demons and transgressions, purge these strong holds which are only set to damage/destroy his family etc... and where better than where you reside already amongst loving family and elders?
How can there be “better people” in Colorado, it would seem relocating would only enable him to remain as himself? I wager the Devil himself would love to see a Christian family disband and live in isolated jealous chaos!?
I suggest you appeal to his Christian senses in this matter... Surely he would recognise that vanity and jealousy are not prerequisite behaviours to uphold from Heaven above? I surmise he knows what is required of him as a Husband and how to act accordingly? You are to be treated lovingly and with respect; he is not permitted to abuse his authority.
Take Care – CAA
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2014): No chance in hell should you move away. Of course he thinks it's a great idea he gets to isolate you and your daughter from everyone you love and make you as miserable and anti-social as him.
OP he just wants to run away from life and drag you both with him. Seriously, OP, moving away with a controlling man is possibly the worst idea I've ever heard.
OP please don't use a religious belief to justify a miserable life, no offence, I respect your religion and your right to live according to whatever views you deem appropriate for yourself but you cannot let this marriage be a prison for your daughter, to be raised by an anti-social controlling father who has then isolated her and her mother from everyone else because he's not able to get on with people. If that's what your religion teaches then it's not worth being a follower of it.
OP you love him and he loves you but this needs a hell of a lot of work and running away from your family and life is not going to make things better.
It'll just make you a paranoid, bible bashing family like you see in the movies. Where the husband is patriarch, the wife is broken and the daughter has the same issues as her father because she's been raised alone away from her family. If he can't even be on good terms with his family and the friends he has where he's from then he has no hope anywhere else and neither will you.
She needs to be close to your parents, siblings, friends, the church you go to and have worshippers you know well. You need their support more than ever if you're going to work on your marriage.
Besides she's too young to just uproot her life and let a toxic relationship be her only stimulation.
Stay where you are. Look into some counselling as a priority, secular counselling, OP. By all means go to a religious representative too if you want but you need someone who is not going to put some antiquated idea that the institutional of marriage is more important than a good life and a child raised well. God isn't going to come down with his magic wand and make this better so you have to do it yourself, and as the provider for your family, as the Christian head of household if he's not willing to do his best for this family then you are well within your right to leave.
That's not to say you can't give it your all, sweat, blood and tears to try and make this work but there has to be a limit and frankly OP, as a mother, your daughter comes before your religion, besides you can always be forgiven and absolved if you divorce with a couple of prayers and stuff, or you can even become reborn and wipe the slate clean that way.
OP it's time he stepped up to his duties as a father and husband and sorted his shit out. If he can't of if he refuses then you should go on your own. It won't help him of course, it won't change anything but it will give you strength, mechanisms to deal with this better and will open your mind to the options available. It'll also help you exert more control in the relationship and create some balance. This is not his marriage, it's your marriage too. You and your daughter need your family around you while you work on this, you and she need an escape from the household too if you know what I mean. To visit relatives and friends, to be out there experiencing other people and life.
But yeah, nip that moving away bullshit in the bud right now. Tell him he needs to change before you consider anything like that and that you're not going to take your daughter away from her family when she needs them most, in the most formative years of development.
He surely does not want her having the life he had and in that case she needs to be around people from and early age so she can socialise properly.
A marriage works both ways or it doesn't work at all. He too has to do everything in his power to make you and his daughter happy. He has to make the effort and not just throw the sin of divorce at you as an excuse.
God forgives, but you may not forgive yourself if you raise a kid in a toxic household you refused to leave. So it's an option, OP and knowing it is will give you the power to demand the effort you deserve in this, for him to live up to his vows as your husband.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (2 July 2014):
 You two should have done some pre-marital counseling, but too late for that now.
But marriage counseling is not too late. If you wish to TRY and reconcile, don't assume you can do it on your own, FIND a counselor and BOTH go.
And USE birth control/condoms til you are sorted out. Don't have more kids together unless you two can MAKE it work.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2014): Ask yourself if you would be happy living in Colorado as a single mother. If the answer is "no," then stay in Florida.
I moved from New York to Texas to be closer to my ex's children. We split up within a year. Fortunately, I love Texas and I'm much happier here than in New York; however, adjusting to a new state by myself was very difficult and I think everyone should imagine this scenario before making a move like this.
No disrespect to your religion, but I don't think you should let it guilt you into living an unhappy life. It's unfortunate that you married as quickly as you did, but I would rather see people divorce when they are young enough to build a new life. I know people who never got over their parents' divorces, but my dad was a narcissist, had no friends, and was ALWAYS angry. My mother was wonderful, but really the only thing I fault her for is staying with my father as long as she did (they also married after a few months). She stayed "for the sake of the children" (and because her Catholic mother encouraged her to, even though she always hated my father). As a result, my siblings and I grew up in terror. I was ALWAYS frightened as a child, and in my early thirties, I have only just begun to realize that I grew up in an abusive home and to start to overcome my emotional issues. My sister, in her mid thirties, is struggling far more with her emotional issues. And my brother, who was a year older, grew up and committed suicide.
Please realize that life is short. Do what is right for you and your daughter. I don't know if your husband is as bad as my father was, but don't let the social stigmas attached to divorce be your deciding factor. Yes, divorce should not be taken lightly, but don't suffer your whole life based on what other people think.
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