A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:The other day I was uploading pics on my fiancés laptop and came across a file that had pics of him and his ex having sex and her giving him a blowjob. It was by far the worst thing I ever saw. I am 5 months pregnant too with our first child. There were other pics and videos on there of girls showering ect... I know he has a past and I do too but I can't get these images out of my head. I love him so much and don't want this to destroy us but I no longer feel comfortable with him keeping any pics of her Bc it reminds me of those horrible images that I saw. Is that request too demanding? I really feel that is the only I can forget about what I saw. I feel if he deleted all the past pics of her he in essence would be telling me without words that I mean more to him than her. He doesn't want to delete the pics of them together though and I'm not sure what to do. I feel crushed even though I know it was from before. No one ever wants to see the one they love with someone else and when I see pics of the together it reminds me of the other pics and knowing he keeps a file of there pics makes me feel like he isn't ready to let her go and put me first. Idk I'm so lost. He makes me feel that I am too demanding and I truly don't feel I am being to demanding I am not doing this out of anger or to hurt him or get him back in anyway.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2014): O, no, love letters from former lovers well hidden is not the same as pictures of your dick in someone's mouth. Bacically he keeps pornography of himself on a house where his child is going to be born. There is a limit to understanding your partners needs and thisis the situation when you need to put your foot down.
As others said its disrespectfull to you. You are pregnant, future mother of his child, if he wants to keep stupid pictures he should take care of the fact that you wouldn't be able to find them.
A
male
reader, wiseoldman  +, writes (13 January 2014):
No relationship is guaranteed to last. The only thing that IS guaranteed is that if we live long enough we will grow old and lose our looks, our shape and our ability. Every man worries about being old and alone one day (women are simply better at sustaining peer friendships and networks after all) and think it will be nice to have some sort of reminder that once upon a time women found us attractive, and that we were young, handsome and virile enough to do something about it. Same way some women save love letters from old boyfriends- my mother had a boxful and my father never said a thing about them. Women are more literal and men are more visual. Take a deep breath and cut him some slack.
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A
female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (13 January 2014):
 Of all the keepsakes one can have of their past, this certainly speaks volumes when you’ve expressed your feelings and he still doesn’t want to delete those (X-Rated) pics. He has a perverse value/moral system which doesn’t reflect family values or the respect for others, let alone his pregnant fiancé!
Since we are not talking about retiring a pile of Playboy magazines here, kept for there informative articles as such, these are INTIMATE X-Rated personal conquests – trophies of the past! I can only imagine how proud he must be of himself for keeping such an explicit pictorial archive of this nature. What a portrait of achievement that is!?
This of course shows utter disrespect for you and your feelings/needs, whether you’re hormonal or not! He needs to grow up (fast), prioritise and you need to set the record straight that these pics are over the top non-negotiable to keep, and let him ‘permanently’ delete those pics if he wishes to remain with you.
You have every right to be demanding when it comes to your emotional needs and how you like to be treated, as he is acting disrespectfully and demanding that you shut up will he goes about keeping his pornographic archive!? What sort of a Family Album does he what to have or keep?
Take Care – CAA
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2014): OMG!!! I would hit the ROOF!! DELETE the sexual stuff yourself if he won't!! That is disgusting, disrespectful and COMPLETELY out of order!! I feel he has betrayed your trust and coolness with the keeping of the "benign" ex stuff by keeping the x rated stuff!! I had a similar problem with my OH but nowhere near as bad...so I know EXACTLY how you feel!As for people commenting saying "your pregnant, it's your hormones"!!!! Errr HELLO?!?! Wake UP people he's basically keeping porn of his ex!!! How on EARTH is that acceptable?! He's blown his chance for you to be cool about it put your foot down!!!! You are having a BABY together I wouldn't want ANY of the ex cr*p in the house!! You are NOT being unreasonable! He is!! Let him send a few harmless pics to his parents maybe but tell him in no uncertain terms to put his NEW family first!!Good luck I really feel for you xxx
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A
male
reader, Geta +, writes (12 January 2014):
I would not want to to view videos of my wife being pounded by her ex and if she wanted to keep those as momentos then there would be something wrong with her and my relationship with her. If you are not with your ex then there is reason to keep anything of them: who among us wants to keep spoiled food in the fridge just because we thought it would taste good but it doesn't. Moving on in life means removing crap from the past that did not work irrespective of how seductive nor erotic it may have been. The fact is past is over and new set if commitments must be made. This is what I would demand if my wife if my situation is like yours. Bottom line: ask him to delude those and start making new commitments with YOU and not keep with failed attachments if the past.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2014): I would have gone mental at seeing sex pictures and even videos, fair enough keeping a couple of pics if they've been somewhere nice or ended as friends then that wouldn't cause any issue. Firstly, this isn't like porn and it's activities of people he's never going to be with as this is a girl who he has been with. So you can't say it's only fantasy like porn is because this actually happened. Secondly, I doubt the ex girlfriend would be all that happy that he kept such intimate videos as once they were finished he should have deleted them, out of respect for her. Finally, once he got together with you those videos and images should have been deleted out of respect for you.I would ask him how he would react if you had videos of yourself doing those things to an ex partner and what that would make him feel like. It is not too much to ask for him to get rid of those, some people might think I am an over reactor, but if he point blank refused to get rid of them I wouldn't want to be with him anymore. He has absolutely no reason to keep those videos, he can get his sexual pleasure from you and if he wants to watch something then he has porn. He doesn't need images of an ex girlfriend when he is in a relationship.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2014): I only imagine if it was the other way around. If your boyfriend saw pictures of you with some guys penis inside of you close up, or you giving a guy a blow job. I bet this image would stuck in his head forever, without any pregnancy hormones. Wise owl, OP was not snooping around, she found those pictures by accident. She shouldn't be able to find these pictures. I think to keep sex pictures from your past where it can be easily found is very disrespectfull to your partner. I know past is a past, but honestly I would be upset with my husband keeping them. We all have pasts, but this is a delicate issue, and at least your boyfriend should be a bit more carefull with these pictures. If it was me, I would ask him to erase them. If they mean nothing to him, he will erase them.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (12 January 2014):
 I agree with the suggestion that he store the pictures of his ex some where you can't stumble upon them. Really he should have done that to begin with.
I can appreciate having some photos as keepsakes. The benign ones I mean. I still have photos of a few of my exes, but I would have to dig to retrieve them and no one else is going to stumble upon them. They're benign pictures and I keep them not because the exes are so important to me but because they were part of my life journey at one time. I also have some old school notebooks for the same reason. Neither the school, nor the work itself was special. It's just a reminder of who I was and what was going on in my life back then.
My advice is to avoid making rules. It encourages secrecy and you can't enforce them. You can only punish the breaking of them. What you can do is calmly inform your boyfriend what you think about the pictures. It is important to keep it brief, be matter of fact and focus on thoughts instead of feelings. You don't want to give your boyfriend the means to dismiss your concerns as emotional or hormonal.
Take a breath and give yourself time to sort your thoughts. Then when you're ready tell your boyfriend you'd like to talk to him when he has a few moments. When you've had the discussion do not mention it again or check up on him. Don't worry about 'what ifs'. Go about your business and be positive.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2014): I honestly believe its personal and between the two of you. I think you have to come up with a solution that you both can live with. But yes, I also agree that hormones can make you over react. Im18weeks pregnant myself, 19 tomorrow, and I am the QUEEN of over reacting when I am hormonal! While pregnant with our second, I caught him looking at orn and tolf him if I wasnt enough to go be with those women. I cried and was angry and yes in I have been known to try to end the relationship over porn... I normally would sit and talk any issues out... not while pregnant, logic comes and goes out the windows as quick as it comes in any emotional situation. I understand how you feel about him not putting you first, and I dont think him deleting the sex pictures of his ex is too much to ask, by any means... I agree with cerberus, and highly respect his advice. (Ive been on this site a good ten years off and on, and hes usually right on the money) The good thing about this though is that your fiance didnt lie or try to hide it, because that would only make you untrusting. I say sit on this a day or two, calm down let the intial shock wear off then have a nice sit down chat with him and see what he says.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2014): "keeping any pics of her Bc it reminds me of those horrible images that I saw. Is that request too demanding?"
Yes, not letting him keep any pictures of her is too demanding. Asking him to get rid of the sex ones is perfectly reasonable though.
What I find most weird is that not only did he not hide them better in the first place but he didn't even lie out of courtesy and then hide them better.
Rightly or wrongly that too was an option that could have solved this.
OP you know him better than us, maybe he's not the type of guy who will be convinced and you're better off compromising.
I'd make a compromise with him and ask if he'd put them into storage somewhere that you know he won't be just casually looking at them. Burn onto a CD and put it in his parents attic or something.
OP the reason I say it's unreasonable to get of all of them is because in the age of social media he has full access to pictures of her at the click of a button. There has to be an element of trust on both your parts.
Now if him putting them somewhere inaccessible and deleting them off his computer is not enough for you to feel that the man who wants to marry you has chosen you then that's probably the shock talking.
The fact he's your fiancé means he has chosen you and he most likely hasn't looked at those pictures in a long time. OP your feelings and surprise while understandable are putting you at risk of an overreaction, take a little time for your emotions to settle then sit down with him and reach a compromise. You have to talk into account how feels and why he feels it's okay to refuse to get rid of them just as much as he has to understand why you want him to.
FYI: I'd leave you in a heartbeat if you deleted them or destroyed anything you know I feel important, out of spite. You're not going to solve this by acting so petty and low.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2014): He's your fiancé. You're pregnant with his baby. You already mean more to him than her and he's already putting you first. Unless there are other things going on that you didn't mention, keeping the pictures of his ex is not something to worry about. And if there are other things going on that you didn't mention, then deleting the pictures isn't going to help. It's a symbolic gesture that ultimately has little meaning.Look, I get that seeing that file was probably extremely difficult and uncomfortable, especially with the emotions that come with pregnancy. It's understandable that that would be upsetting. But don't let those short term emotions dictate your long term actions. Remember that she's his ex and this happened a long time ago. Remember that it's possible(I don't know this for sure, obviously) that he hasn't even looked at this file in years...I have a similar video of an ex I broke up with five years ago, I haven't watched or even thought about that video once in that time, I only know I still have it because this question reminded me. Maybe it just never occurred him to delete it because he never thinks about it. Another thing to keep in mind is that some people just like to keep pictures of their past...obviously, again, I don't know if this is true of your boyfriend. But I've never deleted a picture of anybody in my life. The memories are still in my mind, what's deleting pictures going to do? Not that I ever look at them. But when I do, that doesn't necessarily mean I wish I was with that person again or that I was happier then than I am now. Sometimes I'll look back at a picture of an ex, think about what it was like with them, and be reminded of how much happier I am with my current partner.Let the emotion of that initial reaction die down before you do anything drastic. Forget about the file and focus on your pregnancy. Focus on your relationship. Think about how you really feel about this man, besides that file...are you 100% committed to him? Does he seem 100% committed to you, aside from the pictures of his ex and that file on his laptop? Like I said before, deleting them or not might be a sign of something to you, but that something is either there or it's not regardless of what he does with the pics. If he's not fully committed to you, deleting the pics won't change that. If he is fully committed to you, then keeping the pics won't change that either. That doesn't mean you can't feel very strongly that he should delete them, just don't let it make or break your relationship either way.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2014): I would delete them myself.
He's not going to throw away his fiance and newborn because of a few pictures.
He'll be pissed off for a bit but he'll get over it. It's his fault he had those pictures in the first place. If he's not man enough to make things ok then I'd fix it myself.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2014): You are pregnant, so hormones will make you feel many times more emotional about things than you would if your weren't.
So now is not a good time to deal with heavy situations.
Give this whole situation a rest, and give yourself time to digest this just a bit. It is a shocker, and you just got hit in the face with it. Give yourself time. Revisit when you can approach it logically and with less emotion. He's got you over a barrel right now.
You have to stop and remind yourself that this is a modern age, and people keep not only still-life pics of their past partners; but entire videos.
Had you not been snooping around into his private records; you'd never have known about them. So he now knows you snoop around; and part of punishing you for it, is not getting rid of the videos.
You have a weaker argument; because you gave him self-righteous indignation as a slimy excuse to refuse.
You committed to this guy, and you didn't discover this arrogant just upon discovery of the videos. You saw red-flags that you decided to over-look for the sake of having a relationship with him. You think having his baby is as secure as being married to him. Not so.
I'm sure his insensitivity shows in many ways. You've put up with it up to now. This same guy is going to be the father of your kid.
If it bothers you too much; you are justified to dump his ass and end it. Then, get all your legal ducks in a row for financial support for your baby. You can decide how much of his participation in raising the child you can handle; as you get used to the fact you're no longer a couple.
If he really cared about your feelings; the pictures and videos would be gone.
Are you sure that baby isn't just a big surprise?
Maybe he reluctantly decided to stick around, and tolerate the relationship for your sake?
If you trusted him, you wouldn't have "accidentally on purpose" gone through his pics and videos. So the truth is, he's probably been a dick from the start.
He sounds like a guy who just got trapped, and he doesn't really care what you're concerned about. You're stuck with the videos, as long as he's stuck with you.
Give us all the wonderful reasons you would have to remain with this guy?
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (11 January 2014):
 I think you need to sit down with him and explain to him what you saw and how upset it has made you. I understand why you feel this way as I am sure he would not like to see videos and pictures of you with an ex. So try and get him to see your point. I do understand that she is part of his past and he probably doesnt want to remove the file but if it is effecting you this much you need to talk to him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2014): He needs to bin the pictures. No compromise.
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