A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi,I was in a relationship with my boyfriend for four months when he arrived at my house in the middle of the day to tell me that he was married and that his wife had just found out about out relationship. I'm not squeeky clean in this situation, for the two months prior to this moment I had suspected something but through a combination of his lies, convincing myself and not wanting to believe it I was shocked and bowled over by his revelation.Obviously I was seriously upset and so was he, I don't know what he was thinking. I had met his friends and we had went out so publicly when I look back he was so reckless yet so devastated when things came out.A few days later his wife contacted me (only a few mintues before I was about to do the same) and we met up to go over all the gruesome details. We were both very hurt about the situation and excepting a few stinging comments (which I can't condemn), she was very pleasant to me and I was as honest as possible and she was very understanding. I would consider her a good woman. Once we had gotten the answers to the questions we needed we met with the man which was a more painful and awkward affair.It has been several months now and he and his wife immediately broke up (for other reasons as well as the affair, she told me), and they are well on their way to a divorce. He has told me from the start of this disaster that he wanted to be me, she has told me that since she discovered the affair that he has told her he wanted to be with me but that she thought he was confused and didn't know what he wanted.Of course I still love him, but my question is could this EVER work out? He has done the dirty on me big time and I suppose while I partly have myself to blame he did take advantage of me. I'm not asking if I should be with him, I'm asking if this can ever work out into a normal relationship with trust and honesty.
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female
reader, maverick494  +, writes (15 April 2012):
Even if it was an "exit affair" as you put it, it's still a rotten way of getting rid of someone you once vowed to stay with 'till death do us part'. If he really had been itching to get away from her, he wouldn't have made those promises to her and he would have simply ended the marriage and filed for divorce.
That's what people usually do when their objective is to end a relationship and start anew. I think that the honeymoon phase of his marriage wore off, he got bored, went to look for the greener grass, found you and decided to keep you both until he got caught.
As for the family angle; he's shown he doesn't care much about other people's feelings. So they'll be angry for a while. He'll just ride it out and drop by when the storm has passed. He'll probably even spin a story that makes him into the victim. Easy peasy. Besides, you're already reducing his actions to insignificance in your head. Where else can he find a girl who will put up with that?
OP, I found exactly 3 sensible sentences in your post:
#1. "I can't be sure that he'll never do this to me because he's proved that he's willing to do what's terribly wrong to get his own way. "
#2. "But then I'm not sure if he's just saying that to get me back on his side."
#3. "I'm especially paranoid about the fact that he regularly travels - he could do anything and chances of me finding out would be extremely slim."
Trust, OP. That's what every relationship is built on. You don't trust him, not really (and with good reason!) and you never will. There will always be this nagging voice in your head telling you you're past your expiration date and that he's out shopping for new meat.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey,they're legal separation was all completed five months ago, which was two months to the day that the affair came out. In another five months they'll be officially divorced, taking that long because of the rules. Personally I think that their marriage was ending and that he was sure he wanted it to end but used an affair as an easy way out. I think it was very much an 'exit,' affair but I think he DID develop genuine feelings for me but I also think that he had never meant to develop feelings for me. I think that made things more complicated for him.Personally I think that it would be easier for him if we didn't get back together because he is going to have a hard time having his family etc accept us. They are very upset with him. So the fact he does want to see me despite how many future challenges there are (his family and friends, my family and friends, building trust again) I think that must indicate that he really likes me because if he just wanted to be with anyone, well, he could go off now and just be with anyone. Why bother with me?I can't be sure that he'll never do this to me because he's proved that he's willing to do what's terribly wrong to get his own way. However, he said himself that he found the experience very stressful and the aftermath much more destructive than he imagined and that he's learned that telling someone you don't love them anymore is in fact easier than having a 'get out,' affair. But then I'm not sure if he's just saying that to get me back on his side. I'm especially paranoid about the fact that he regularly travels - he could do anything and chances of me finding out would be extremely slim.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (14 April 2012):
 OP, yes , I know that divorce is not instant coffee, you can't have it ready in a matter of seconds.
What I meant is, are they at least LEGALLY separated ? Are they still in the talking / discussing / defining things stage , or did they already signed the separation papers ? It does make a difference, - at least in how other people perceives the situation. Everybody knows that talk is cheap, and there are MANY couples who have talked about divorcing, - and stayed unhappily married, and legally bound, for ages.
Then again, if things are well on their way , and in few months he'll be a totally free agent- problem solved. You can wait until that date to resume your relationship , - if he really likes you so much, and viceversa, what's a few months wait. If you have to restart, at least you can restart with a legally, socially, and psychologically clean slate.
Personally, I think you can use the wait to think it over very well . As an outside observer, I am bound to say that , seen how things went, you are sitting on a ticking time bomb , vaguely hoping that you'll be lucky and the bomb won't explode under your butt some time during your lifetime. But ,of course, I don't know you, or him, or the ex wife, or the exact circumstances, - there are exceptions to every rule, including " once acheater always a cheater ". But, only you can assess that, and I think you need some time and some physical distance to make a decison you'll feel comfortable with.
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female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (13 April 2012):
If branding yourself the victim allows you to confront yourself with the consequences of your actions (or lack thereof) then by all means do so. But will this help you open up your eyes and make you a stronger, more rational and objective woman? That's the question you need to ask yourself.
Because you need to be all that and more if you are going to let someone like him into your life for the long haul. This relationship, or whatever it is that you two have, is not based on trust. And therefore it already has a very weak foundation. You have shown yourself to be someone who can be taken advantage of by him. If you still need to learn how to toughen yourself up, it's not advisable to jump into this because you'll won't be objective. And you will be hurt.
Your man has already shown he has no qualms about hurting others for personal gain. He may be a narcissistic individual who really cares about no-one but himself. In this case your relationship with him is doomed from the start. Or he may be someone who just takes the easy path and rationalizes it all away. In that case, someone who doesn't put up with any of his shit and gets in his face may be just what he needs to become the man he can be.
But even in the latter, most positive possibility, you are dealing with someone who has a huge personality flaw. It's a huge risk.
I cannot decide which of the two he is. If you cannot either (not without sacrificing your objectivity) it's better to be safe than sorry. He could redeem himself. Or he could destroy you.
Be very, very careful.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMaverick you're right, being a doormat gives him no incentive to change and nothing will change.I think there's nothing wrong with me feeling like a victim because it is true that I have been perilously passive and non-confrontational throughout - this is my personality and it has made me an easy target. I need to change to stop people being able to take advantage of me so easily, and yes, I need to listen to my intuition too.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionLove Girl you're determined to oppose me no matter what I have to say. My actions may confirm that I am foolish but I am hardly a demon.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2012): OP I am just so glad that his wife has a new man in her life: this just proves that if someone is decent and genuine then they will find another to love. His wife has proven beyond a shadow of a doubt that she possesses admirable qualities. That she deserves happiness instead of a cheating husband. And I'm sure that she will make her new life work. OP instead of YOU judging US I suggest that you listen to that little voice that refuses to quiten down in your head. Oh btw if people you actually know and who know you in return, are shaking their heads in disbelief at your attitude and morals and belief system then I suggest that Everyone cannot be wrong. Somehow I am saddened that you have chosen Denial as a way in dealing with this adultery.Well to each her own...LoveGirl
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female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (12 April 2012):
I get your POV OP, but don't kid yourself. "Problems in marriage" is not an outta jail free card to do whatever the heck you want. It's a flimsy excuse. He should have talked to his wife about his unhappiness in the marriage and when they couldn't find a solution, he should have told her he wanted to separate, not sweet talk her with future plans he had no intention of actually following through upon.
Don't fall into the trap of talking wrong right again in your head. Don't play the victim. Is that what you want to be? A sorry little fragile thing that gets strung along by people? If you play that role, it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy.
This man will recognize you're weak and naive and he will take advantage of you, not necessarily because he's an evil person, but because it's easy and because he can. Why would he want to do better and change his habits when nothing motivates him to do so? Putting yourself in a position where you can easily be taken advantage of ensures that you will. It tends to bring out the worst in people.
When my mom found out about my dad being married, she cut off contact completely, insisting that that if he wanted her trust, he'd had to work for it and that if she even had the slightest idea he was lying to her, it would be over. It took another year before they officially got together and even then it was a shaky at first. In short, my mom was willing to give him a second chance, but she was very strict about it. She took a big risk, one that ended up panning out in her favor, but it could have just as easily gone wrong.
If you want to give this man a shot, stop making excuses for him and stop making excuses for yourself. In your first post you admitted that you weren't clean in this either, and I thought you were being very reasonable about the situation until you started talking about being a victim and his marriage not being good in the first place. Please don't do that. Listen to your gut. It's there, screaming at you, wanting to be heard.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHis wife has a new boyfriend. She told me this, as have several others.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe rules of getting a divorce differ from country to country - I don't know about your's but in mine it takes a certain period of time before it can be put through officially. His wife told me that they are definitely getting divorced. His WIFE told me they are no longer living together. His WIFE changed her name ahead of divorce proceedings. Their divorce will be through in a matter of months once the time needed to have passed has passed. I have seen all documented evidence to indicate this.
As I was not aware they were married when I dated this man and they are no longer together and am now considering dating him again I have to disagree in saying I am a homewrecker.
By stating that I saw him several times a week (merely trying to indicate that I saw him often enough to have felt he was my boyfriend), i feel that that indicates that he and his wife did not spend too much time together, indicating that there were indeed problems in their marriage. His wife told me that they had agreed to divorce for a multitude of reasons, not purely because of the affair.
And FYI, he was my first and we didn't have sex until several months in and the majority of our time was spent on day trips and dates.
You guys, really, have just proved my point by making the same judgements some people I know have made about me.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2012): OP you are Not a total victim in this affair: you are now projecting: somehow laying blame that his wife and himself were Not on the same page regarding their marriage. His DECENT wife even told you that they were making some long term plans. You seem to announce with glee that you had him 3 times and more per week. Hey there are 7 days in a week, perhaps he only allocated those times to you for sex. I am so glad you don't believe in Karma: because if you did then it will make you realise that you are accountable for your actions. Bottom line: you want this womans husband. They are now divorcing because of your affair. You got her husband. Happy? I want you to keep this at the back of your mind: you will never be at peace. Every time he goes away either on business or to friends or even to the shop, you will wonder whether he is cheating on you. Don't fool yourself into thinking that he will not. He only came clean because his wife caught him. So he ran to tell you before she phoned you. This man is a blatant liar and a smooth operator. One good thing has come out of all this: his wife has acted with integrity and dignity. She will have no problems moving on in her life. You on the other hand will always be viewed as the homewrecker. What is worse is that you are NOW choosing to be with your married lover even though you know the truth.LoveGirl
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (12 April 2012):
You are not a pariah, but if you care about social acceptance I would not be so prompt to play the naivety and inexperience card.
That was good until you caught him cheating on his wife, which you did not know he had.
And then ? after you knew ?..
" He's well on his way to a divorce "- ( that's what HE says, at least. But, being the artful liar he is, how can you even be SURE about it ). Anyway, he is " on his way "- nor divorcED neither divorcING as of now.
In other words, if I am not mistaken, as of now... you are CHOSING to date a married man, and unluckily this can't be blamed on inexperience.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMore than anything I just want to talk to someone that understands first-hand what has happened to me and what I am going through. I feel as though I am treated as a social pariah in my society now even though my biggest fault was naivety and inexperience.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Guys,Well he has told me that getting married was a mistake in the first place and that he had loved his wife deeply just before they got engaged but that somewhere between that and getting married his feelings started to slip (nerves? cold feet?) but by that point the pressure was too much and he didn't want to disappoint everyone around him as plans were underway. Perhaps that's all just last minute jitters. He says when he DID get married he no longer wanted it but he thought maybe he could just go ahead with it and stick it out a few years so that it was 'respectable.'From what his wife told me, he acted completely as normal with her while he was with me and was suggesting stuff they could do in the future. She said that she didn't see an increase in him going out or anything, that she was totally shocked (although I find this hard to believe since she found out based on a generic piece of evidence that did not even necessarily indicate anything - she MUST have been suspicious to automatically jump to 'affair.').Since I saw him regularly (at least two/ three times a week, sometimes more) for dates that sort of indicates to me that they weren't all that clued into each other's lives, but then I could be wrong.H's job requires periodic short term travel so that made it very easy for him to lie to me and her about where he was.I get the whole Karma thing, but I feel as though I've been much more of a victim in this situation rather than someone that has actively sought this whole disaster so I don't see how Karma applies to me. However, I don't believe in karma so I guess it doesn't matter what the 'rules,' are.As for getting caught, I agree that that's when things came crashing down for him and I can't say that he won't stick by that rule in the future. And to be honest he was so good at concealing things from me that I don't know I can ever be confident of where he is/ what he says/ what he's doing.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2012): Well I'm sure you know that in a few months/few years time you will be in exactly the same position as his wife: wouldn't this be Karma at its best?
I'm just glad that his wife is finally free of this lieing, cheating con man: anyone who wants her seconds is entitled to him. Just be warned though: if he does it with you, he will do it to you.
but at least she is free from this snake.
LoveGirl
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female
reader, ToHereKnowsWhen  +, writes (11 April 2012):
 It was good that you met face to face with his wife and you were both open hearted enough to survey the damage together.
He is a thoughtless man. This kind of guy can be easily categorised. To guys like him, the crime is in being caught, with no regard to what he actually did. He will apply that principle to life again and again. He lies and cheats and everything is fine unless he is caught out.
Get as far from him as possible. Now.
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (11 April 2012):
I don't think so. This was not a little white lie, like, he's late for a date , " why are you late " " I was stuck in traffic " - and instead he had wasted time playing with videogames. He lied about being married , he totally misrepresented himself in order to get what he wanted ( you ) Quite ruthless, and totally self centered. Big huge red flag, how that kind of scrupleless, self serving personality can NOT spill over into other areas of his- and your - life ?
How can you now trust him about anything relevant ? If he had no qualms to overlook this little detail, like having a wife, - now you can't be really sure about anything else he says and does. In theory, you should also check his prison record, he could have lied about it and be an ex con. Or his bank statements and pay stubs- he could not even have a job and be living of hand outs, or illegal activities. His health records- he might have some
lethal, infective disease that he very conveniently " forgot " to tell you.
These are extreme examples, and, yes, maybe he just lied that one time, out of "love", because he did not want to lose you. But : how can you ever feel sure about that ,NOW ? The damage has already been done.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2012): It might work out if his feelings are genuine and he hasnt just used you as a tool to lever himself out of an unhappy marriage. Some lack courage and find it easier to allow themselves be `caught out` with another. Rather than face up to the pain of confronting a partner on their own and ending the relationship. That thought can be very frightening for them.
To quote you, he has lied to you, done the dirty on you and taken advantage of you. So bare in mine, you might have been set up to pave the way and cushion the fall as he exits his unhappy marriage.
Given his actions. Do YOU feel this has the potential to be a normal relationship with trust and honesty? That`s the question.
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female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (11 April 2012):
My knee jerk reaction to this is: No. Once a cheater always a cheater, etc. Also, the total disregard for his (now to be ex) wife is something to ponder over. That could be you in the future.
The problem is that my dad basically did the same thing to his ex with my mom and they (my mom and dad) have now been married for over 25 years. My dad never cheated on her and they still love each other. My dad later admitted he liked his ex, but never really loved her and that he only married her because she found out she was pregnant and because of family pressure (brought up very conservative).
So is there a possibility of this working out? Maybe. But you need to talk to him, ask him why he was capable of betraying the person he vowed love and loyalty to. Take off your pink glasses, observe him, see how he reacts. If you're not sure or satisfied afterwards, your best bet would be to say no. A man who betrays the wife he married with someone he lied to about that deserves to lose both in my opinion.
However in life things are usually not so black and white. So my advice would be to follow your gut. That little voice you ignored that also warned you things didn't add up while dating him.
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