A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:You know how it is, you invite one of my best friends over. You study. A cup of freshly made brew turns into cuddles, cuddles turn into kisses, kisses turn into...well, a night of wild sex with no sleep.I had a crush on this girl for the past 2 years, but always managed to control my actions, until now. I am currently on a break with my girlfriend, after months of disagreements and arguments, not sure if i am going back to that.My friend is a very confused individual, who attempted suicide not long ago. She broke up with her boyfriend not long ago as well and has some guys she really likes (which is more imaginary than real, since they haven't seen each other for years). I know she wants to get on with her life atm, so the next day, when "reality kicked in" she started pushing me away. I proposed to become friends with benefits, since we both enjoyed being with each other a lot (i was the first guy to give her an orgasm, which should probably count for something?). And we are both too confused about our lives to have drama.The problem is this: we are no longer friends after all this. She got scared and closed off. My ideal situation would obviously be to turn this around, and just enjoy each others company, and not focus on commitment, because we both need to figure out what kind of people we are. I am trying to hide my feelings away about it all, but it is kind of hurtful, since she is a kind of person I would love to be with in a long run (or so it seems).I know some of you have experience in those kind of situations, which i want you to share, since i am baffled. Is it possible to convince her of my proposition? Do you think its a good idea to even try being anything more than friends with her, since she already pushed me away and is already unsure?
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTried to get in contact with her, but no luck, so decided to use my work break to tell her how i felt about the situation. I just wanted to clarify my feelings about it all and how i still want to be there for her, i don't know what i was thinking.
I rang her apartment from the ground floor, but she completely rejected seeing me, and said she has nothing to talk to me about and doesn't want to see me for some time. I guess there really is no need for me now, i would still love to talk to her, but i held my hopes up too much.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionChaliceODamnation,
Thanks, that makes more sense to me now. Cheers.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionChaliceODamnation,"The thing about TRUE Charity. It is not done for gain. It is done because it is compelled for us to do and it is the right thing to do."I suggest you read some Nietzsche on that note."Care for her alot- FWB would NOT have even factored into the brain. Not even a moment. Yet it did. Lust and rationalizing how you can still 'get' what you want of her and not really WORK to be there for her. Not good."I only rationalise stuff, because thats how we get on. Me being able to rationalise her emotions was the reason she could get control of herself. FWB doesn't mean I want to sleep around, in reality I would want her to understand that she wants to be with me. If she doesn't, i can't help.However, i hope you are not suggesting i should throw away everything i feel just so i could comfort her? (how do you even do that)"She needs to figure it out but have the hand extended to her. "How is that possible if she doesn't want to speak to me? Right now i am suspended mid air. I am getting on with my life, but it still troubles me."That you both had sex, not love, together, only hurt and confused her more."Did it ever skip your mind that is maybe what we had, it wasn't just mechanical, she was happy for few days and now she is closed off. And it already happened, so please stop giving alternative scenarios how/what should have happened. Whatever happened- happened. I get that she is confused already, I don't know what to do with it all. Yes, I messed up with even suggesting FWB, but can you stop picking on me for it, since it is clear thats not what I want, I sensed a lot of fear from her when it came to relationships and I got rather confused with it. Its like she wanted to avoid it, when i said something about it. I should have pushed on it.ChiGirl and iAmHereToHelpYou,Yeah, that makes sense. Thats how i felt about it. Was just really annoyed by that she turned to the internet for comfortation and emotional connection (kind of what i am doing hehe).
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2012): One of the unfair issues that is present is that you expect her to think as you do and see you as you see yourself. Well wouldn't that be easy?
'If she chose him over me, a person who was always there for her, then it just makes me offended that my real friendship is worth less than the idealised internet affair, which makes me question how much she values me as a friend and how much she expects from me as a friend.'
Or that she's some mind reader and would just know you really are some sincere, great guy. And you could be trusted. That would be so easy.
But it is not that way at all. So why hold onto that way of thinking, rationalizing? She chose him over me.
She chose herself and to be safe. Its all she knows how to be at the moment. Its how she copes. Its all she knows. Understand that- you'll soften and realize that you still hang onto fear of rejection, fear of being too vunerable, fear of being hurt yet condemn her for that very same fear.
Sounds like my Exs 13 year old sons who think He chose me over them. Where he should be able to love whom he loves AND love them. Its a different type of love for starters. And if he is dating and has only 6 days of every month - its not fair of them to say, you spend those 6 days with us and none with her. Its not fair, healthy, honest, or loving to put such conditions, restrictions on love. It warps it and poisons it. Resentments build. Relationships suffer. Fear runs rampant and enter pain and destruction. *sighs*
I can expect if of 13 year old boys that lost the comfort and security of their family home due to divorce. Cant' really from you at this moment.
This is a wounded young woman. Not some healthy secure woman.
So if you expect her to process as you do or as some healthy confident,strong woman- you are clearly mistaken and that is a HUGE part of why things are not going the way you want.
yah? ;)
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2012): The thing about TRUE Charity. It is not done for gain. It is done because it is compelled for us to do and it is the right thing to do.You now feel entitled and owed by this girl- that sounds conditional and not unconditional love to me. Which is a guise of control thought processing.Care for her alot- FWB would NOT have even factored into the brain. Not even a moment. Yet it did. Lust and rationalizing how you can still 'get' what you want of her and not really WORK to be there for her. Not good.I get your a Dude so you will rationalize and not HEAR when a woman is giving you the translation of what is going on. ;)True its good to have boundaries but again, hers will be blurred. That you both had sex, not love, together, only hurt and confused her more. It did not help her- it hurt her. Thus her running away. Pushing away.A true friend would have the wisdom and patience and have said no. And held and comforted her. ;)I recommend you watch Georgia Rule for a start. Its a chick flick but I like how it touches on how a girl who suffered emotional and physical trauma as well as sexual abuse TRULY suffers and cannot see the difference of when someone LOVES them or uses SEX to think its love.Thus my statement and your further thoughts only say, yep, read it right.Its years and life that lends wisdom and insight.She needs tender, kindness and no pressure. She needs to figure it out but have the hand extended to her. Even then, unfortunately, she will either keep working out who to trust by her current hit and miss approach which she is unable to see is uneffective, or seek professional help.
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (12 April 2012):
 "Don't be upset with her if she chooses the Internet guy; in her mental and emotional state, she's bound to be looking for the perfect relationship where she can't be let down."
I second that. Her "liking" a guy she's never met and who is miles away gives you vital clues to her mental health. She would rather be with this imaginary man, who she does not know, and probably will never meet, than face the risk of an actual loving relationship.
Allowing someone near you to love you means you open up your heart to get broken in return. It appears she's not in a state where she is ready to be that close with someone. You're the one who can possibly really hurt her feelings. Internet guy that she's never met? He doesn't really have a chance at hurting her feelings. Because, he's not real. Not really, he exist in the world sure, but he's not a real part of her life. She can not see him or touch him, and when you just talk to people online the majority of who they actually are remains hidden to you. So she invents how he is and who he is, and that is the idealized version of a man. This idealized version isn't real, and thus can not actually ever cause her real pain either.
But not real happiness either. However, she is the one who need to get to a state of mind where she is capable of giving of herself, and where she is strong enough to be willing to take the risk of allowing you near her.
It's not like she actually likes this online dude. He's a nice fantasy, and she can only like him as much as teenage girls can like Justin Bieber. But it is safe to love someone who isn't really there in your world, someone who can not hurt you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question"What she is in need of- you are incapable of giving.
I say leave her be. And hope she finds an honest, loving young man that does love her and wants to help her get healthier and not think of himself and his lust."
I am sorry, but how did you gather that? Big statement there, i hope you read my answers. I am a guy who supported her during hard times. Her ex-boyfriend frequently asked for my help to calm her down, because she would be too emotional for him. I don't just have lust for her, but i care for her a lot. Being with someone, just for their own sake is a one sided relationship, which wouldn't work and is a naive idea. I would love to give her emotional support, but its up to her if she wants it from me or not. Unfortunately, it is impossible for me to get rid of my caring and attraction to her, which I hid away for 2 years and is now open to her eyes. I told her everything that I went through, and she just didn't care about it (she just took it as a compliment), even though she at first was over the moon with everything that happened to us, but now she really closed me off and doesn't want to listen what i have to say to her.
The person she likes is a guy, who she never met, who lives in a different country. If she chose him over me, a person who was always there for her, then it just makes me offended that my real friendship is worth less than the idealised internet affair, which makes me question how much she values me as a friend and how much she expects from me as a friend.
I am more than capable of giving, FWB was a retarded idea, i know, which wouldn't work in the context of feelings.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2012): I think this confused girl, has so much pain inside of her and is unable to trust in someone as she is always hurt and betrayed by them.
She sounds borderline and her attempted suicide says she is need of love, comfort, support, friendship, nurturing, and professional counselling to get a stronger, wiser young woman that is better able to cope with stresses of everyday life.
She also sounds like a victim of sexual abuse so she will have a blurred sense of things when it comes to love and sex.
She was extremely vunerable with you so she doesn't feel safe with you anymore whereas before, you were a trusted friend that would never use her for sex. Which you did.
So Friends With Benefits is totally a retarded idea.
What she is in need of- you are incapable of giving.
I say leave her be. And hope she finds an honest, loving young man that does love her and wants to help her get healthier and not think of himself and his lust.
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female
reader, chigirl +, writes (11 April 2012):
I think most of us have been in your situation, and my personal experience tells me to just play it cool. When the other part is being skittish you will gain more from holding back and let them come to you, than chase them. Chasing scares them away even further.
Then ease your way back in on her good side slowly.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks, Chigirl. Thats the best advice so far. You read me well. Time will tell.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks, CindyCares. I see what you mean. I am going to do that.
FWB idea just seems a joke right now. Thanks.
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female
reader, chigirl +, writes (11 April 2012):
I think right now you need to accept that she is pushing you away. She's taking her time to figure it out. In the meantime, take your time to figure things out for yourself. For example a good idea would be to properly break it off with your girlfriend.
You want a casual, non-committed relationship for now, but I think you should cool it down on labeling things. You are too eager to label what you and her have. To be called a "friend with benefits" isn't flattering for a girl. Nor is it actually what you and her have. You have feelings for her, and you want more. She's not just some casual friends with benefits to you, she is more. So you shouldn't label it FWB. Besides, labeling it takes away the casual-ness of it all.
Will you have sex again? Time will show. That's real casual. By calling it a FWB-situation it becomes more routine, as in: yes you will have sex again. But she might not want that. She doesn't know what she wants. So take a step back, and let whatever happens happen, you know? Don't label it, don't call it anything, just go with the flow and see where it takes you.
But make sure you are properly single first and break it off with your girlfriend. That way at least you have the opportunity to go with the flow and be real casual with this girl. As long as you keep the gf around this will all be too complicated, both for you and this girl you like.
And, some final words... Once you have sex you are no longer friends. Things change. If you are to become friends again you sort of need to start from scratch, because things are different now. Respect that difference, and try to not be too eager with being buddies. Give her her space and take things as they come.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (11 April 2012):
 If you are a real friend ( which is doubtful ) stay that : a friend, not a FWB. And let HER decide the physical and emotional distance she wants to keep now. Apparently, she does need or want that kind of situation,( very wisely ) until she is confused / lovelorn / on the rebound / crushing on somebody etc.etc. After her moment of weaknesss ,she wisely does not want any more complications atm until she knows for sure what she wants ( which , anyway, probably would not be an FWB regardless ).
I know that this would be convenient, close to ideal , for YOU, but apparently she does not feel the same, she has indicated that for her the cons weigh more than the pros. Orgasms are nice, but don't have this magical mystical awe- inspiring power you seem to attribute to them. I mean, I am sure she enjoyed being with you, and had fun and all... but ,let's face it, an orgasm is a pleasant muscle contraction, at some point in life, one needs peace of mind, or mental clarity, or true love, or whatever is it that she is looking for... way more than muscle spasms.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello, iAmHereToHelpYou :).
"would she even come back to you knowing you slept with someone else?"
This is a different story all together. As an indicator: i don't feel guilty, nor I want to be back with her. Its complicated, she had some guy for some time now (hence, I am on a break with her) as well as constant arguments.
"but there's a thing called boundaries and my best friend and I have them and we don't do anything."
Yes, we had them for years, but acknowledging sexual tension is part of being honest to each other. To me it seems that it was stupid to deny how compatible we are. Maybe its just a wrong time to uncover it.
However, you are right about mixing FWB with feelings, i could get seriously hurt through this.
I would love for her to have a crush on me, but for her own sake I just wanted for her to understand herself first, since I don't want to be like her last lover, who forced her into a relationship (i know, right?) and couldn't ever handle her. I don't know why I am denying my own ego, and trying to fit into this situation.
Right now I am trying to get her to meet me up, so we could talk. I will most probably leave her alone for some time.
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