A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My husband and I have been married for nearly a year now and so far everything has been great between us. I've never thought him to be one to do things behind my back or anything like that. But throughout our entire relationship, even before we were married, there has been a girl that I never really liked, blatently trying to get with my husband (even though she herself is married as well!). An example would be, she broke up with her fiance at the time to try and get with my husband! My husband always tells me that the time of her liking him has long gone and that she considers him a really good friend still. Of course I don't want to stop him from hanging out with buddies, I just told him my concerns. Well last Friday this lady came over to my apartment without her husband and left with mine to go to the "gym". They were gone for 4 hours and when they came back she left immediately. I told my husband that I thought what he did was incredibly rude and he told me the same thing he always does "I really don't think she likes me at all anymore. She's just a really good friend"Skip forward two days, and I find an open conversation with her on the computer. Curiosity gets the better of me and I decide to just skim over parts of it and I find some very inappropriate conversations between the two of them. "What would happen if you got me pregnant?" "I'm sorry I didn't finish you in the car" What other way could you take these lines? I confronted him about this twice over the next two days and I am told that "Thats just how me and her talk. She just jokes around like that." I don't want to pester him about this if what he tells me is indeed true but I am even still finding questionable text messages from this woman. "If you just want to be friends okay but something needs to end" is an example off the top of my head.Its kinda obvious from what I say in that paragraph that he is cheating on me but he insists with a passion that its not the case. I just want him to be truthful with me about this whole thing but I decided to drop the subject until I got further evidence. I just don't know what the right path to take with this is.. I feel in my gut something is going on.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2008): I think that 'getting more evidence' is not going to help you. It is quite clear that he's having sex with this other woman, but you really just don't want to believe it. He's lying about it because he either wants to keep you stringing along, or he doesn't want a big scene. So you have to decide what to do and it's really hard sometimes to believe that something like this is happening to you.
Somehow you have to start emotionally backing out, and protecting yourself. I think you need a time-out so there is no more accusations and tension, and so you make it clear as much to yourself as anyone else, that this cannot continue like this because it is no fun for you.
The other woman is also correct. Buddy can't have it both ways which is what he is currently trying to do. So take some time out - be sad, be mad - and then get yourself to the point where you can say 'this is no good for any of us' - let's have some sensible decision-making here so we can all get on with happier lives.
Best of luck and be confident that things can and will be much better than this for you! (either with him making a commitment to you properly or with you moving on to find someone who wants to really be your partner).
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2008): Hi Hunny,
She has got her claws into him alright, The computor prooved that and the text message that you spoke about is that your husband trying to end it hunny? or is that the other way around? He may have been a lamb led to the slaughter by this woman done something the one time and has been screwing around sinse, Because he is fearfull of her telling you, Plus she may be trying to get him to finish it with you. Boy hunny Ive been there with my last husband its a gut instinct alright and you just hate yourself for having it and trying to find out if your right as you turn into a person you dont recognise. I got fed up with the I havent done anything bit and threw mine out when he least expected it as I new as soon as he had gone, Even though it hurt like hell Id get to find out more as they talk more when in shock. Mine didnt come back as I couldnt put up with that crap after 2 failed marriages Id been hurt enough so he was gone very quick, Hunny you have more than proof he is bringing this woman into your home its under your nose just as mine was in a slightly different way though, But its disrespectfull to you, does he think your stupid, Well hunny your not... Im so sorry for you as a year is somthing to celebrate not to be going through this, But you have to grab up your information all together and slap it on the table and be strong and tell him the facts are plain to see so stop treating you as a mindless idiot as your alot brighter than he takes you credit for IF YOU NEED A CHAT MESSAGE ME TAKE CARE OF YOU HUNNY WITH LOTS OF LOVE AND HUGS MANDY xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2008): I think this is VERY inappropriate. This is disrespectful to you in EVERY POSSIBLE way. And he's LYING about it? With PASSION? Gimme a break. You are WAY to good for this guy, not even close. Don't even think that this comes anywhere CLOSE to acceptable bahaviour from your husband. "I'm sorry I didn't finish you in the car" ??? COME ON! You don't need more evidence for this! This is WAY beyond what anyone should put up with from their partner. If you should decide to stay with him you should confront him and tell him outright "If you want to have any kind of future with me, you are gonna have to cut any and all communication with this woman, immediately". Personally I think you can do better than this guy, cheating around your back, and lying about it.. no even saying "I really don't think she likes me at all anymore. She's just a really good friend" after he f'd her in the car. You should not have to put up with this in ANY possible way!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2008): It means they are having sex, and she wants to know would he leave you if he got her pregnant. Also he says he wishes he would have finished her in the car means sexually, given her an orgasm. You can not believe that "this is just the way we talk to eachother as joking around" Why would these things even be brought up if they weren't having sex? And why are you even allowing them to be friends? Let alone hang out at the "gym" for 4 hours. They were getting a workout alright but it wasn't at the gym. You need to leave him before he does get her pregnant and you have no other option. Walk away with some dignity and find a man who respects you. But remember, if you don't demand respect, you'll never get it and you allowing him to be friends with her is like saying 'walk all over me, I am niave and I'll put up with it' Of course he's going to lie to you, that's what cheating is, lieing..If you are afraid to "nag him" about him screwing this other woman then you really have no backbone, and how can you expect a man to respect and be faithful to such a woman? You need to gain self respect. You are his WIFE and he is treating you like you're nothing, as well as you're treating yourself as though you have no right to protest against his actions. It's just wrong.
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A
female
reader, sexseahot +, writes (26 January 2008):
 I'm sorry to tell you honey, but that's good evidence right there that he's cheating on you. I don't know many people that talk like that to others because they're joking around. Don't take that excuse and actually believe it! See what happens when you tell him that you have evidence about him and her and if he don't stop contact with her you will leave him. I think this is what it really should come down to because you definitely don't deserve this after a freakin' year of marriage! Don't take this from him, you are better than that, if he wants to stay with you, he really needs to quick ALL contact he has with her, no question about it. Do NOT care about him hanging out with his "buddies". This is not a "buddy", this is a person he is having an affair with.Go with your gut instinct, if you wait any longer for more evidence, you're just going to get hurt more.Good Luck sweetie!
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A
female
reader, Devilish Angel +, writes (26 January 2008):
 She does not just consider him a 'good friend' He's a good friend alright. Pretty damn good! Cheaters hate to admit they're cheating. They will surely lie about it. Thats 'just how we talk'? How lame is that? From what I can see you need to confront him and give him an ultimatum. He either tells you the truth and stops all contact with that chick or you leave his ass. Or it could be as simple as you telling him to stop all contact with her. It seems a bit harsh but sometimes you gotta be harsh to show him how much he's hurting you.
You are his wife! Not his girlfriend, not his fiancee, his wife! He has made a commitment to be faithful and honest to you. He vowed to do so and he needs to at least be honest.
I'm sorry you're in this pain.
I hope you find a solution that stops him from hurting you.
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A
female
reader, happytochat  +, writes (26 January 2008):
I think something wrong is def going on between your husband and this woman. His defense that thats just how she talks and she was just joking is very very lame.
You need to make it clear that you wont fall for his lame excsues and they wont work on you, otherwise they will continue.
I know it must be hard to beleive that your husband may be cheating on you and you probably want to beleive in what your husband is saying, but I really dont think you should because I dont think hes telling the truth. Although the truth will def hurt, in the end, its better then living with a bunch of lies, because you would never truly be happy.
I think you will be waiting a long time, possibly forever to hear the truth from your husband. Hes done wrong, and for some people they just really cant admit it, even when they know that you know the truth...they still just cant admit it. Its sorta like in a way, they are in denial themelf and they think that if they dont admit it out loud, then its not really happening.
So since you may never hear the truth from him, I think you need to realise what you have seen and go with your gut! Its not right whats happening and you dont deserve, but unfortunately its happened to you.
Find the strength to leave him and move on. Talk to any close friends or family you have, and get support from them to help you move on.
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A
male
reader, Somethingeasy +, writes (26 January 2008):
 It would be very niave of you if you listen what he consitiantly says to you.
Its obvoiusly a lie.
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A
female
reader, Dawnie  +, writes (26 January 2008):
 First of all reading your post i was hoping that your concerns would amount to nothing and that i could reassure you and say you have nothing to worry about. But the paragraph where she said "What would happen if you got me pregnant" and "I'm sorry i didn't finish you in the car" changed that. I'm really sorry for you, i think you are in an awful situation, your husband says the typical male things, "She only likes me as a friend" etc, and understandably you wanted to believe him. However you need to stand firm and you need to get it through his thick head that you will not tolerate his behaviour under any circumstances. (that's if you want to remain married to him) If he wants to go around with this tart, then his marriage to you is over, he has to break all contact with her for good, no more lies. If he can do all this then it's up to you if you stay married to him. I suppose everyone deserves a second chance, you have to give him that ultimatum now. I hope everything works out for you. Good luck. xx
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A
female
reader, Lily Moll +, writes (26 January 2008):
I agree with rcn all the way on this. And no, there's really no other way to read those lines. I love the example that rcn used about the man caught receiving oral sex! Occasionally I watch the reality show "Cheaters," and on one episode, the p.i. and the cheat-ee (a woman) was showing the the cheating parties (her boyfriend and her roommate) the video where they were obviously in coitus, and the man just started screaming that it wasn't him, and that the video was fake, even though his face was clearly visible and the girl involved was apologizing profusely at the same time. Yes, some people will lie about what they're doing, even when you can see what they're really doing with your own eyes. And because you love him and trust him, you want to believe him. I'm really sorry this happened to you. You could hire a private detective to watch him, and get proof real quick, though, as in the "Cheaters" example, he might still deny it, at least you'll know tangibly what you already know in your heart. Good luck and take care.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (26 January 2008):
 I know this is difficult for you to face. Hearing his answer, the first thing that came to my mind was "this girl needs to put some boots on, cause the s**t is getting deep. That reminds me of a female friend, she walked in her home. Her husband sitting on the couch while his pants were off, and a girl performing oral sex on him. His answer "honey, it's not what it looks like."
His conversation with her shows something is going on. Why would she write about the "pregnant" and "finishing him" if there wasn't, and if there wasn't a joke or something that lead up to it, with that being a punchline. I'm a man, and I don't call women and say "lets hang out, and while we're out how about if I knock you up, haha." That would make no sense and make me look absolutely weird, or weirder than I all ready am.
What needs to happen, is you need to get strong. You need to realize you deserve better, much better. Even with her trying to get with him before, out of respect for your feelings, that association should have ended, or been at a level where you were included with their (non-sexual) activities. You need to tell your husband that you got married for a reason. If he's going to treat you with disrespect, and cheat, and lie, and speak inappropriately with other women, you'd be better off not being married, because you deserve and demand better treatment. Being married, or otherwise does not give him the right to treat you this way. don't take it, stand up for yourself. all though it's sometimes difficult, it'd be better to walk away now, then after years of bad treatment, and find someone who will love every part of you all the time, and wakes up every morning looking forward to another day with you.
Take care.
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A
male
reader, Moviefan +, writes (26 January 2008):
 Yeah you should wait until you get hard evidence either in the form of a actuale line of text saying something like that cements the fact that he is cheating and that they are not actually messing around in an odd way. I know people who joke like that and i find it a bit odd. Or actually catch them doing something. I think it's odd what messages that you posted, i would almost think that enough evidence to consider it cheating, but i recomend waiting things out until u are sure.And often times your gut is right in these types of situations. So if anything comes along that just makes things that much more real do something then. But you shouldnt have to put up with him doing stuff like that, just my opinion.I hope everything works out for the bestGood Luck!
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