A
female
age
41-50,
*arymomnwife
writes:i want to know how many guys out there who work full time are married and have kids. when you get home from work do you spend time with your kids, help with housework, dissapear and do your own thing? i dont mean to sound rude but im just curious how many men count on their wives to keep a neat house with multiple kids, food on the table at specific time, and bathe and potty train kids. do you count on your wives or do you take charge and do some around the house things yourself? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (2 November 2010):
My advise...Read...home school..what ever you have to do to up your knowledge of what's out there. Can you bake really good? Sell some. Even a home day care.
Do not rush things to much. You might bit off more than you handle.
A
female
reader, marymomnwife +, writes (2 November 2010):
marymomnwife is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you all for your open and honest answers. i didnt choose 2 be a stay at home mom it was just convenient 4 my husband. i dont have enough education 2 get a job with enough pay for a sitter and my hubby works as a meat cutter he cant afford it either. ive tried 2 make out a schedule so my husband could work in the morning and i could work the evenings. everyone including my parents say it would just b 2 hard 4 both me n my hubby 2 work right now n 2 tell u the truth it kinda scares me 2 think it could get harder than it already is. all i really want is to be able to do is 2 contribute financially due to the fact we r going thru trouble not being able to keep up with bills and everything for the kids. i also feel like if me and my husband spent less time together we might not bicker so much. we never argue around the kids we have already had a talk about the count to ten and talk about it l8r rule. also he was outta work about 2 months when id ask for help he said i was takin advantage of him. go figure
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2010): I think the point is for both to contribute fairly to the running of the house. Anything else causes anger, as you have seen from some of the responses here (although interestingly from men, when statistically they don't pull their weight). "Fair" depends on the relationship, it's usually adjusted for the time each person can contribute.
Getting men to contribute their share can be hard. Until recently it wasn't a social expectation, and in large parts of society it still isn't.
Having let this bad habit develop, you're also removing some of his free time. So you can expect some argument and resentment. He should consider his commitment to work versus home: are those extra hours working really necessary; is there a "more holidays for less pay" scheme?
Probably the best approach is to have a organised division of work. Such as you cook MTW he cooks TFS and on S you eat out. Similarly with the washing, cleaning and childminding (eg, he gets the kids ready for school).
There are a lot of cooking schools around, and these can be great fun as a couple. If you can get someone to mind the kids that could be a good event to give him some skills and confidence and as a marker that things are going to change.
I'd get in some good books on child development and leave them around so that he at least knows what good child raising habits are. Steve Biddolph's books are aimed at men.
Now, you have to be good. That means that if he does things differently to you, you be quiet. If he chooses to make the kids school lunch the night before, you don't complain that the kids might have slightly stale bread. If he uses tonnes of chemicals cleaning the bathroom, you don't say you prefer the chemical-less microfibre cloths. If he goes and buys a set of knives you don't point out that you already have some. You are getting what you want, so don't demotivate him by criticising the details.
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A
male
reader, BrownWolf +, writes (1 November 2010):
I do 98% of the cooking, 90% of the clean, 50% of the shopping and so on. That is how I was raised. I was brought up never to depend on a woman to help me...Thank goodness for that.
My wife lives on facebook, and drama shows while I cook and clean. Yeah I can yell and scream, but what's point. I know how to do it, it just takes longer.
My kids are 15 and 14, they help me clean, while she chats with her friends. Even they complain about her...Hence, she has 1 year to change, or I change where I cook and clean.
MY Rule..."Do all you can for your woman, so if you ever break up...she can not tell anyone you were an ass. She thought you were great when you met, and that is same thought she should have when you leave."
I know where you are coming from...But sometimes, us lucky men get the same treatment.
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male
reader, OlSarge +, writes (1 November 2010):
 Both my wife and myself work full-time. She beats me home by an hour and a half so she will start dinner and I will do the after dinner clean up. During the weekends I do both the cooking and cleaning. I am the one who helps our daughter with her homework after dinner. I do all the outside work, trash, and when I can beat her to the laundry I will do that as well or at least help her put it away. I don't clean the toilets, mop, or vacuum though.
All in all I probably do more but as far as I'm concerned we contribute equally. I view what I do as my duty to her and the family to help out. What really bothers me though is that I get told about everything that she does and have to listen to innuendos that imply that I'm not doing anything around the house or with the family. It's probably because I don't feel the need to reminder her what I've done in order to feel like I accomplished something around the house.
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female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (1 November 2010):
 I know I am not male but have mostly male friends so I have a good idea about how they behave in their relationships.
And it normally boils down to this:
1. Man works full time and wife/girlfriend does not = he does not help out much around the house
2. Man and wife/girlfriend both work full time = they both do their share
I think this is pretty fair - if the husband/boyfriend is working full time but the girlfriend/wife is not working at all, then really the female's full time job is to look after the kids and house, therefore there should not be too much for the male to do when he gets home. But if he is a father, then he generally should always spend time with the kids as this is important, regardless of how much or little you work.
But if the wife/girlfriend works just as much as the husband/boyfriend then in no way should she ever be expected to work full time then come home and start work all over again with the kids & house. In this scenario the man should be doing as much around the house and with the kids as the woman is doing, so they both are doing their fair share of the household duties.
And this also works vice versa, so if the man was at home and the woman worked full time, then the man should really be the one doing the housework and childcare, while the woman is out at work full time.
All this said, there are some men out there (including some of my friends) who work full time, and so do their girlfriends, but they dont lift a finger and expect all their cooking, cleaning, washing etc done for them by their girlfriend. This is pretty terrible and if this is the case in your relationship, then you should not stand for it.
But if you have chosen to be a stay at home mum while your partner works full time, then you have to accept that he has the responsibility as sole breadwinner which is quite a big responsiblity that brings a lot of stress. So if he is not cooking tea for you or doing the washing, then cut him some slack because really you have "chosen" your job to be that of housewife and mother - and we all know what the job description is for that! When you have chosen this role, and meant that your partner is the sole earner in the house, you should be trying to ease the pressure on him so he does not feel he has to come home and do another night's work when he gets in.
But also if he is not spending time with his kids (not necessarily looking after them but playing with them, putting them to bed etc) then he is in the wrong and you have a right to say something about this.
And one final thing - Caring Guy is abosolutely right in his answer, wanting more help and feeling appreciated are two very different things. But talk to your husband, if you feel unhappy with the current domestic arrangement then the only way to resolve it is to talk to him.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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reader, CaringGuy +, writes (1 November 2010):
It's not as clear cut as that. There are a lot of men who do help out. I don't live with my girlfriend, but when I see her, I'll help out. Not that I get recognition. And perhaps that;s the point. What exactly are you looking for? Are you looking for more help, in which case ask him. Or are you looking for recognition. Sometimes men help, but we're not bothered about recognition, so it remains quiet. Women, in contrast, seem to look for recognition that their work is appreciated. So are you looking for more help? Or are you looking for your husband to appreciate you more?
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male
reader, doublejack +, writes (1 November 2010):
My ex-wife was the one that disappeared and did her own thing while I took care of our child, helping with homework and such. No surprise then that I have primary custody post divorce.
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