A
male
age
51-59,
*hicospa
writes:I met a woman for whom I am totally amazed with, and found myself falling for. The problem is that early on in the relationship, I lied to her. I had been living with the mother of my daughter for awhile, even tho we werent together, shared a house but not the bedroom. I know that if I just told her the truth it would have been the right thing to do. The worst truth is always better than a lie. I didnt tell her for what I thought were valid reasons in my head. My daughters mom had bought a house and was already in the process of moving, would be out in a week totally. I thought she would be gone, it wouldnt make a difference anyhow, and I didnt want to freak my new girl out and scare her away. I was afraid she would run, I really liked her alot. My ex and I hadnt been in a loving relationship for almost 3 years, we are just friends and share the responsibility for our daughter. I know I should have told the truth. So the truth came out on the way to dinner with my new friend and while it was a relief to not hide this anymore, it was also a major blow to her trust in me. We still see each other, but have idled down to a "friend" only status. I am very much in love with her, and I think she has major feelings for me, but the trust is a huge fence. How do I gain her trust and let her know that I am not a liar, although I lied to her? I am someone who made a mistake, and deeply regret it.P
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2007): You will have to be happy with this relationship as it is for now and just hope that you get things on the right track. Build up the trust and love over a period of time and never ever tell a lie. The truth, no matter how hard is always better to deal with than a lie. It hurts like hell to be lied to, even when it has been done for a GOOD reason. It sets to work a worm in the other persons head that eventually eats away the good and turns everything to rot. Just be yourself and always tell it as it is. I'm sure that in time you will get the happiness that you deserve.
Take carexx
A
male
reader, chicospa +, writes (2 February 2007):
chicospa is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI want to thank each of you for replying to my question. I am very thankful and appreciate your time taken to answer it. I am a patient man, always have been. Laid back to a fault I am told. I am hopeful that she will see that I truly am a good man, and that I indeed made a mistake. I did not intend to hurt her, or want to hurt what we could be. She told me I was only hurting myself....I think she is right. I truly miss what we had become before the lie. Thanks again for your replies.
P
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A
female
reader, AskEve  +, writes (2 February 2007):
 I would continue to be her friend and let that friendship grow. The trust will come back in time but it's got to be earned. No more lies to her in the meantime and tell her that. Let her know you were apprehensive about telling her in case it put her off (it would a lot of girls). Let her know that you knew she was in the process of buying a house and leaving and that you would have told her eventually, once you got to know her a bit better.
If she values you as a friend then she'll forgive you and continue to see you. It may take time before she'll completely trust you again but if you can prove to her through your actions and loyalty then it will come eventually.
I wish you both the very best. (I have a good feeling about this actually :o)
Eve
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A
female
reader, Sam23 +, writes (1 February 2007):
Hi P,
It does sound like you are feeling alot of genuine regret that you kept your living arrangements from this woman, who you are very much in love with.
This suggests that you do care for her feelings and did not want to hurt her, which shows just how strongly you feel - a fact that would make any woman happy to hear. Try to express these feelings as best you can.
It appears that the underlying issue is that you are afraid that any potential girlfriend would be scared off by the fact that you already have a child because this might mean extra responsibility. She may be afraid of this too.
If this is the case re-assure her that your daughter has a mother and she does not need to assume a surrogate role in order to be with you. Ideally, any girlfriend would get to know your daughter but this will take time and courage, so be gentle when discussing this.
It is important to be honest but you did not set out to be dishonest either. So if your heart is set on her then it is equally important to now be honest with yourself and do what you can to regain her trust in you - and if she does love you then she will find a way to forgive.
Good Luck
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A
female
reader, Ask Heather +, writes (1 February 2007):
 I think you`ve already answered your own question, You know you must tell her the Truth, but you should point out that the Relationship with your Ex partner was going nowhere, and that the reason that you were not honest with your current partner, who you obviously love dearly, was for fear of loosing the one you Love ; this is evident in your text. I would like to see you both having a good "Evening for Only Us", block out the outside world, and concentrate on the two of you. With Love, Heather.
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A
female
reader, Ask Heather +, writes (1 February 2007):
In a way, you`ve answered your own question, you KNOW you have to come clean, and explain yourself ; there`s No Other Way ! BUT, if you explain to your girlfriend, who you obviously adore, the reasons that you lied to her, a big part of was to shield her from hurt, as the woman you were with held no special meanng for you, and you didn`t want to jeopadise this new relationship you have with, what appears to be a very special lady, this may go some way to repairing the damage that you, have, unwitingly, brought upon yourself. I suggest that you find a quiet evening, just the two of you, when you can both sit down, without TV or other distractions, and explain, and yes, pour your your heart out to this lady you care about so much, explaining the reasons that you were not totally "up front" with her. If you explain how you were scared of loosing her, and this would be So Terrible for you, and that you will always be honest with her, you will never hide things from her again, I`m sure she will understand, and love you all the more for confessing to her. Relationships are all about LOVE & TRUST. My Very Best Wishes, Heather x
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