A
female
age
51-59,
*vaEva
writes:My partner looks at porn every day.When I confronted him about it, he showed no emotion at all and just replied;it doesn't mean anything.Its you I want to be with.I'm pretty relaxed about things but feel odd about him spending so much time looking at porn.We are due to get married next year but this keeps 'niggling' at the back of my mind.Should I be worried or should I just chill out?
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2009): Second post I've read with commentary from Martini. Please, get off your high horse and drop back down to reality.
EvaEva, as you feel "odd" regarding his watching porn, I would suggest holding off on getting married.
Consider your reasons as to why you feel this way. You are not alone of course in how you feel, but why do YOU feel this way? I'm confused as to your feelings about pornography- does it threaten you, do you not particularly mind it, or?
Have you requested that he not partake in it? If so, what was his response?
Have you considered counseling? Either for yourself or together? It is very helpful.
Good luck :)
A
female
reader, hannieseds  +, writes (8 February 2007):
 No Martini, this is what this site is for really. Debating is healthy right? This person has asked the question and has gotten 2 complete sides of the coin answers, which, I think, will help her make her mind up what to do about her situation more so than if all the answers she got were pretty much the same. She now has a lot to think about to try and find her own answers, which was her intent on coming here.
So Martini, I personally don't think you have anything to apologise for. You are just being you and this 'anti-martini' poster got your back up and you have every right to retaliate and try and make her see where you are coming from. But at the end of the day, who really cares? There will always be people out there with narrow-minds like her and unable to see, let alone try to understand a completely different opinion. So just be happy that you know yourself and where you stand. You have very strong, researched and thoughtout opinions Martini, which you should be proud of. Stand up and be a proud bunny! xxx
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2007): As to Andrew and the other site moderators, I apologize for being baited into another porn thing again. I think you guys/gals should do permanent ban on Martini. I'm a bad man.
[sighs]
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2007): Clearly I must be many things to you and people like you. In fact, you must be able to completely and utterly know who I am based on the limited amount of information I have typed out here or any where. The secondary factor that you keep an anonymous handle doesn't make me take you any more seriously than say the Jehovah's Witnesses who knock at my door telling me that I will go to hell if I don't believe in their invisible man.
[sigh]
Speaking of justification, quite a few people here, let alone the thousands of unique visitors I receive for my site every month and the dozens of emails I've gotten over the course of all this anti-martini, anti-porn crap you and your entourage has been doing, I realized that the justification you are speaking of in reference to me justifying the usage of porn whether in moderation or not, is really that YOU ARE justifying the anti-porn factor.
I mean think about it. You and this other person possibly, come here and ALWAYS say "YOU SEE! PORN IS WRONG! LOOK WHAT HAS DONE TO THESE WOMEN! BAD MEN! BAD!" AND you ALWAYS say that ALL MEN who look at porn are bad. ALL MEN. Odd really. So my friends whom are homosexuals who look at homosexual porn are bad people. So are those people who love chubby girls - LIKE 300 to 500 pounds women and men. Or those guys and girls who like REALLY old men and women - eg: mature porn. NICE! We're all bad people. MY GOSH!
Please, just STFU. If you want to make a difference, go set fire to the porn studios that make porn in the place. In fact, why don't you become a pastor and try to convert everyone to your religious views?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2007): Martini, this is Miss anon and I must say that the fact you have become so upset by my post only shows to me that I have obviously hit a raw nerve with you. Clearly you are a guy who watches porn and justifies it whether moderately or excessively is irrelevent. You know deep down that what your doing is wrong and that the VAST MAJORITY OF FEMALE PORN STARS WERE SEXUALLY ABUSED. Nothing that you say or do can take awy from that...WATCHING PORN IS TAKING ADVANTAGE OF HURTING PEOPLE FOR YOUR OWN SEXUAL PLEASURE. Sure it varies in its harshness. but I stand by the following as someone who wrote a thesis on the impact of childhood sexual abuse on women.
- most porn is designed to pleasure men (although some female may enjoy it)
MOst female porn stars were sexually abused by a male at some stage during their lives (often childhood) these stats are not the same for men in pornm
- even minimum exposure to porn affects the way men view women (whether he is conscious of this or not).
I sugggest instead of getting on here and slamming me for my opinions (to which I am as entitled to as you to yours ) you go to your local uni and take a course in gender issues so that you may become awre of exactly why people like me are not afraid to stand up and challenge the status quo that any porn is OK - it simply isnt because a little that may be produces with the few females who wernt abused and willing to do it only fuels an industry that exploits the millions were were abused and further decreases the true value of women to a series of body parts.,.... If this hurts you I really think you need to look at your constribution to the valuing of women as people instaed of pieces of meat for exploitation.....WHAT HAVE YOU DONE LATELY to celebrate the true achievements of women...how many mags do you buy that celebrate women in sport. How often do you say 'oh my God look how hard that mother is working to raise her children for no financial gain whne the best I can do is work for money' How often do you get out there and say to other males ' wow look at how much women offer to society instead of ' wow look at her legs' ?????????Think about it....clearly any guy who gets so 'disgusted by hearing that porn hurts women has Deep issues with respecting them and their opinions...sure your opinion may be the opinion of the majority (at least those with a voice in society ) certyainly not the women and children who have been abused and exploited but it doesnt make it right....and just because your orgasm over their pain may feel good that doesnt make it right...Whilst you see some 'hot blonde in stilletos, I see the little girl being abused by a man who lives ina society that thinks exploitation is ok, sex is chaep , women always want it, there nothing special or unique about sharing another human beings physical body......so who really is disgusting here????
Im sure youll have some little justification or comeback and frankly I have little faith that people like you change often anyway....so I ll spare myself from having a battle of the wits with an unarmed person and make sure I dont check this post again as its really hurtful to realise so many people like you still exist
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2007): I too at first thought AskEve was doing the anti-porn thing, but after re-reading her post, I realize she was being moderately objective in her views on porn.
The thing I've noticed about her comments is her recognition of it being every day versus being moderate. The Ms. Anti-porn anon below again has put all men and women into the same category, that all who look at porn are degrading to women, that all is this and that. Alas, all I'll say is disgusting, I find her absolutely disgusting. I'll barf within 1000 miles of her presence. Gross! [barfs]
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2007): No, dont worry about it if you dont mind marrying man who has
1) no respect for you
2) no respect for any other woman
3) no compassion for the women he jerks off over (as 90=5 were sexually abused as children and are OBVIOUSLY not making healthy decisions for themselves)
4) needs to look at naked women other than yourself to feel completely sexually satisfied
5) thinks its no big deal that you share your naked body with him (after all he can get sexual satisfaction from any woman who is in porn)
6) will see that your body is not the same after kids as the porn stars (ebven if you workout tirelessly and still have not one ounce of fat on you...a body that has brought children into this world often shows the signs (ie stretch marks and sags in ways you cant change)
7)Is happy to support the sick industry of porn that exploits and dehumanises so many
If none of this bothers you then sure dont worry about it but if any of this has reached you the run girl run.....
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2007): my bf looks at porn, if he was to ask me to marry him, I would say no, unlesse he got ride of the porn.
trying to accept it will not make it better, the situation will just get worse, he will start to neglect you.
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A
female
reader, AskEve +, writes (2 February 2007):
 In answer to moomoomoo, I am definitely not an activist in a feminist group lmao. It's one thing to look at porn, we've all done it but this girl's partner looks at it EVERY DAY! She said when she confronted him about it he showed NO EMOTION. He's already putting it in front of her and you don't see that there's a problem? It's like a "fix" for him and this is what's worrying me.
And think of it this way EvaEva, if he's like this BEFORE you are married (which is the honeymoon period) what will he be like say 2 or 3 years down the line! Can you see where I'm coming from? If he can't at least compromise with you and keep it for watching with his mates then I would say you have a BIG problem!
Eve
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A
male
reader, moomoomoo  +, writes (1 February 2007):
 sorry "askeve". person who wrote this question: this person sounds like a strong activist in a feminist group. please don't worry about what your fiance is doing, i'm a guy, it really doens't mean anything. as different sexes, we think differently. If he puts it over you, then there's a problem, but in this case no. Most guys have high sex drives and feel horny all the time because they need to get rid of their old sperm to keep healthy ones... and waht easier way than porn, they get to enjoy it in the process... it's just a guy thing.
however im not sure if he will stop looking at it when ur married if u tell him to. i'm not experienced with this. I haven't been married, and i don't know if their wives succeed in forcing them not to look at porn, but i know a lot try. most guys just don't let their wives or girlfriends know , they probably guessed that they would find it disrespectful
sorry for sounding negative, but i thought this was needed.
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A
female
reader, cd206 +, writes (1 February 2007):
 There are so many women with a similar issue to you on this site that it must be a common problem. I'm sure it upsets you because reality can never live up to air brushed videos but I wouldn't worry about it personally. It's just a weakness on his part and we all have them.
CD
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A
female
reader, AskEve +, writes (1 February 2007):
It sounds to me as if your partner is addicted to porn if he looks at it every day and THAT is disrespectful to you.
Pornography in its many different forms is an artificial or “outside” element people use to create sexual excitement. In many ways it is just like a drug. There is a huge danger is using such a substance to bring stimulation. Here are just a few of the pitfalls of pornography.
• After a while, many can not get aroused without it
• Almost all porn is created for a man’s mind – women do not enjoy many of the things you see the actresses pretending to like
• You will compare yourself and your spouse to what you have seen, which of course is unrealistic
• You will NEVER be able to get those images out of your mind
• Most porn is degrading to women and you will not realize you are degrading your wife
• You will naturally lust after the beautiful men and/or women you see depicted and will desire to be satisfied with someone like them
• You will have a very strong desire to recreate what you have seen even if it is harmful to your relationship
• You will begin to need harder and harder porn to get aroused
• It is almost certain you will be addicted if you aren’t already
• A very high percentage of those hooked on porn have multiple sex partners
• A very high percentage (some say 100%) of serial killers have confessed to be addicted to porn
• Those who are addicted to porn are reported to have the least satisfying sex lives
• If you use porn that means you are using other people to satisfy yourself sexually which is demoralizing to your spouse
• Many eventually become so involved with their porn that they are no longer intimate with their spouse.
The problem here is he doesn't think he HAS a problem. Until he gets this under control love I would say yes, you SHOULD be worried.
Eve
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