A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:A few weeks ago me and my fiancée of 2 years went to her parents house for her mom's birthday. It was there, her mother told the family she was sick. This is the wonderful woman who put my fiancée through school twice!, bought her a car when she graduated and still pays half the rent on the loft that we own (I pay the other half). But my fiancée shows no concern, while I have taken off work to get her mother to her doctor's appointment, she's out shopping with her friends. She has not been there when her mom needed her the most and with all the stuff her parents have done for her, and this is the way she repays them, it is downright disgusting. I don't want to marry her anymore but I promised her mother I wouldn't give up on her, and she may be pregnant. I just don't know what to do anymore, i do love my fiancée, and I won't break a promise to someone who has been more of a mother to me then my own, but the way my fiancée is going, I kinda can't stand the sight of her right now...What do I do
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2015): The way she treats her mother, she will treat you and anybody else she "loves". (I really believe that she loves you, she just never learned how to love properly, and yes, she loves herself above all others and never questions if it's good for her to let others take care of her).My oldest friend (I carefully chos ethe word oldest here and not best) is exactly like your fiancee. Her mother, may she rest in peace, made her completely self-centered. She loved her too much and at the same time couldn't really deal with her, couldn't tell her no. My friend was well in her thirties when her mother continued paying her bills. What did my friend do with the monet she herself earned? Well, she had fun with it!When her mother got cancer for the 3rd time, the only thing my friend thought about was her new boyfriend (who dumped her a couple of weeks after)! I was the one taking HER mother for radiation therapy, while she hung out at her boyfriend's place. When she once called me at 4 o'clock in the morning, I froze, thinking that her mom died. I was relieved that was not the case, but I found it SUPER weird that she called me because her BF hung up on her. I mean, how selfish can you be?When, 15 years later, the mother got cancer for the 4th and final time she begged me not to tell my friend for a couple of months because she couldn't take her selfishness any more. I was so sad that it had come to that.My point being, selfish adults rarely change. Maybe your fiancée's mother didn't raise her to be a responsible and caring person. But at some poit we all take responsabilities for our own behavior. I had to build really strong boundaries with the friend I have just mentioned, because she always tries to treat everybody whose nice to her like she treated her mother (call you not to see how yuou're doing, but when she needs someone to listen to her, for example). She has of course some friends that she's super-nice to, but they are mostly "important people and not at all interested in her. The same thing is with her BFs. She falls for unavailable men (emotionally or otherwise) and they can do whatever they want to her. But the moments someone is nice to her, she walks over him.I've seen in sooo many times.Think long and hard is your GF resembles my friend. You may be the one she expects to take care of her.
A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (2 December 2015):
Have a frank discussion with your fiancee. Tell her how her behavior comes across to you and ask her side of the story.
Like others have said, people react differently to things like this and some people who seem like they don't give a damn need that distance to keep themselves from falling apart.
If it's her way of coping try and see if you two can find a way that doesn't cause a chasm between you two and might actually be beneficial for her mom.
Speaking of her mom, don't chain yourself to your fiancee because you feel sorry for her mom. Don't try to be the martyr; you're really not doing anybody a favor by staying with your fiancee if you don't want to.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2015): you get together for a birthday which should be a happy thing and it turns into a disaster with fiancees mum letting slip that she is ill.
but you dont live with the mum so it shouldnt be a daily problem.
if you go off your fiancee her mum gets her daughter back where she wants her and all to herself.
you shouldnt take time off work to run mum to the doctors.
you dont all live together so her mum should have asked her husband or a friend of her own to take her to her appointment.
i think you want to run because you find the mum too demanding.
mum should have at least booked a taxi.
its not appropriate for her to depend on you when you have a marriage and future family to think of.
dont let your sympathies be swayed in the wrong direction..
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (2 December 2015):
 My brother couldn't handle things when my dad was terminally ill. He would not show up most of the time and when he did he was a blubbering mess. Or he'd pretend that nothing out of the ordinary was happening. This despite dad being in hospice care.
This of course does not mean that he didn't love our dad. It just meant he couldn't handle the stress of caregiving or dealing with the reality of what was happening.
What disease or illness does her mother have? Is it terminal? Is it something that was self-induced, such as lung cancer from smoking?
By the way, it's really simple to find out if someone is pregnant these days. They sell kits that will pretty much give you the answer in no time.
If you can't handle the fact that she is struggling with her mother's illness then you need some support as well.
You are all now care-givers. Depending on what the illness is and what the prognosis is, you'll have days when things go well and things don't go well.
If you are so angry at your possibly pregnant girlfriend that you want to leave her then you need to take a few steps back and get her and yourself some help in the care-giving arena.
There are support groups all over the place for care-givers, you will need ot reach out to the appropriate ones.
Your girlfriend is struggling with this and if you can't see that then you need to back off and get some outside help.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2015): Like others have said, sometimes people deal with illness of a loved one by trying to carry on as normal. People react to stress differently, I know quite a few people who go on shopping sprees when they feel down. Her going shopping may be that.When my father collapsed my mother phoned my sister to take him to the hospital but she didnt go until she had dinner and cleaned the kitchen. My mother in stressful situations is a bit of a pain. She cleans when she's upset, I have no idea why! It's like a coping mechanism. When I was little I squashed my finger in the hinges of a door and all she seemed worried about was blood going on the carpet. I know she loves me and cares about me but when bad things happen she's just rubbish.Where it comes to your girlfriends mother I think you may be a bit too close to her. Its her mother and just assuming that she really doesnt care is a little bit too presumptuous of you. You're being a nice guy taking her to appointments and you seem to love her more than your own mother. Do you think you're hurting about how your own mother was with you.Is there anything else at all that makes you have second thoughts about marrying your fiancé? If this is the only issue then please try and think about things from a different perspective. If you love your fiancé try and understand that she may be really upset by this all but just cant show it. Its her mother and if you love her dont leave her pregnant and alone with a parent who is really ill.Marrying somebody should have nothing to do with what their parents want. Its what you want and who you want to spend the rest of your life with. If you don't love her what her mum thinks should have nothing to do with your decision.
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A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (1 December 2015):
You don't have to marry her daughter to show the mom that you care about her. You can always talk to the mom and express how you feel and still be there for her. I don't think the mother would want to see you marry someone you do not love, and thus waste a lot of years. While the daughter is not showing as much care, it is easy to take things for granted when it is not earned. Her daughter has had a free go at life where I am sure you have not had the same, so it is easier for you to take appreciation in those things. But you shouldn't feel like you owe the mother anything, it isn't your fault.
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A
female
reader, jls022  +, writes (1 December 2015):
I think she could be in denial and keeping herself busy so she doesn't have to face her Mum's illness. Based on how strongly you feel about this (rightly so) and the fact you're still with her, I can only assume that she is not always a selfish person which makes me believe it's more a case of her sticking her head in the sand than anything else. Have you tried to talk to her about it? If so what has she said? I can understand wanting to leave someone who simply doesn't care about others, but I'm not 100% convinced that's what you're dealing with here. Sometimes people do react differently to how you might expect when faced with stressful or sad situations, so maybe you could give her a bit of time. You might find it'll all come pouring out soon because she's been bottling up her fears and feelings instead of dealing with them.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (1 December 2015):
 It seems odd but some folks just are NOT caretakers.
When my mom was sick 20 years ago my father never left her side and if she said jump he did then asked if it was high enough and should he try again....
recently my dad was very ill (he died a few weeks ago) and his "wife" of 20 years (they never legally married for financial reasons but lived as spouses and most folks assumed they were married) could not be bothered to do so much as make a bank deposit for him and required that i use all my leave from work and travel via airplane to go take care of him when she was there and perfectly able to do so.
He's dead 2 weeks she's been out every night with friends since then. She seems cold and uncaring and unfeeling but it's just her way.
My husband when his grandmother who raised him died went off the deep end emotionally and while he did for her, other parts of his life suffered greatly. Same thing happened with my dad dying...
Folks respond to stress and pain and fear differently...sounds to me like she may be taking the "turtle" approach to this and pretending that if she ignores it, it's not real and it will go away.
or she's an unfeeling cold hard bitch.
only you can tell.
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A
male
reader, Been there Now over it +, writes (1 December 2015):
This is one case where I suggest breaking your word to her mom. This is just not nearly a good enough reason to put yourself in a situation that will only become more and more problematic.
Give her a pregnancy test and, if she isn't, get the heck out. Yes, mom is sick, but you must first watch out for your own self. Mom will probably understand if you have a talk with her.
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A
male
reader, Denizen +, writes (1 December 2015):
 People sometimes distance themselves from sick friends and relatives because they can't take the emotional stress. They do not want to see their loved ones go down hill. Could it be something like that?
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A
female
reader, suzzzque269 +, writes (1 December 2015):
 regardless if shes pregnant or not i wouldnt marry her. if she is pregnant be there for the baby as much as possible...it doesnt sound like shes mother of the year material. then start distancing yourself emotionally/physically from her asap!
explain to the mom you will be there for her-the mom-just like now but she needs to understand the daughters behavior is awful and you wont marry someone like that.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (1 December 2015):
 One thing I have learned is to NOT make promises you don't know 100% you can't keep. Because it doesn't do anyone good. Of course there are times where you think you CAN do something, and then it turns out that you can't. It's part of life as nothing besides death is predicable.
You don't OWE the mom to be saddled for the REST of your life with a woman you love, but don't want to marry. That isn't fair on you, OR ... your fiance. I understand that the mom would want you to be in her daughter's life, because the MOM recognize a good person in you, hoping that it would rub off on the daughter. But it's a tad unfair of the mom to put the responsibility of "taking care off" her daughter (a grown woman) on your shoulders.
So my advice, START using condoms. Having unprotected sex with someone you can't quite see a future with is STUPID and unfair - think of the kid for a minute.
Secondly, know that you CAN NOT change your fiance. She is who she is. And her mom making excuses for her, doesn't change the fact that she acts like an uncaring spoiled brat. But you CAN sit her down and TELL her how you feel. Her mom is enabling this behavior. I bet she isn't blind to it, but she is also being a mom, a sick mom who wants to do whatever she can for her daughter while she is around.
This is not an easy spot you are in, I don't envy you one bit. But I could not imagine being with someone whom I feel ACTUAL disgust for. And I don't think her mom would WANT you to "martyr" yourself and YOUR happiness.
Sure the "easy" way out is to stick it out with the daughter. being miserable and at some point resentful for feeling like you have no choice in your own future.
The hard way would be to break it to the mom that you have a hard time seeing a future with the daughter.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2015): You spend more time with the fiancee and less with the mom.Mom..has had her chances when she was younger and mom should not be leaning on daughters boyfriend.Mom is probably giving mixed messages aka being manipulative..because she most likely brushes the illness off to daughter and tells her to get out there and enjoy herself while she is young but she probably bigs up the illness to you in order to get a lift to the doctors.Naughty mum is busy making the daughter look bad to the extent that you've now gone off your true love who may be pregnant.This is so dysfunctional you have to wonder what other stuff her poor daughter has gone through.Are you loosing your mind?Your so sorry for mum that your going off your fiancee!Just make sure that when children arrive daughter is aware of how manipulative mom can be so that she doesn't 'steal' the youngsters with sympathy stories.Mom must have friends of her ownand she can burden them with her worries.Be free young man and have happy times with your lovely fiancee or you might as well dig a pit and sit in it forever.
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