A
male
age
36-40,
*hoccs
writes:Hai, il go straight to the point. My fiancee lied to me that she was a virgin, am 27 years and i kept my virginity she told me she slept with 10 guys and i dont i can marry her. How do i let her go gently so that she can find some else with her same mind set?
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2012): I had a similar experience in my very late teens. On the first date she told me she was a virgin. One of her friends tagged along and for some reason she reconfirmed her statement. If she was a virgin I figured she would let me know when or if she ever wanted to. I decided I would give her ZERO pressure never even bringing up the subject in the entire months we dated. Towards the end of the months we dated she finally told me she lied about it. I did not know exactly how to take it. I had been with a few girls so it was not so much the virginity issue. The lie is what killed me. And yes where one lie begins many others along with deceptive actions showed up. I ignored her to the point that she dumped me. Then of course came the revenge sex on her part with a large number of my friends. This only made me believe she was lie and a tramp whore. I did not want her any more. A few times after the next couple of years passed she wanted me back. This was after I got my final growing spurt, body built for two years and I was beginning to be well cut, my hair turned a dark blond from 6 months of sun, and I had a golden bronze Florida tan. Yep at 19 it was very enjoyable to say no and have many other girls after me constantly. I still wonder if she was honest if things may have been different.
I would say DUMP HER. The relationship very well may be doomed for a future of lies. With over 3 billion females on this little planet you will find somebody. Maybe loose your virginity so you will be on equal grounds.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2010): To the last Anon male very good response. Virginity vs lies, is an eye opener and should always be handled with care.
I feel sorry for all the duped guys where the lies o vershadows the truth and all the good fades away because of the lies.
To the OP, you did the only honorable thing by kicking her to the curb, not because she wasn't a virgin, but becasue she was untruthful*m based on these lies, no relationship can survive.
LoveGirl
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2010): Ladies with all respect it's not about a virginity issue here it's about a serious lie coming from the girl this guy put his trust in! I agree that if the guy loves a girl he won't look into her past! Yet if the girl had good intentions with this guy she would of told him the truth since the beginning! Most girls assume that a guy wants a virgin for a wife but in reality what most guys want and need is an honest woman! The majority of girls who lie about being virgins is because they don't want us guys to think less of them! I personally think that no one is perfect and no one should be ashamed of their past because no matter how bad it may seem to others what's important is how you carry yourself in the present! I also had the same situation with a girl who fooled me into thinking I was her first yet the truth always comes out and when I found out she had been lying to me all along I felt betrayed! She knew about my past because she asked and I told her everything I had done before we got together! When you have good intentions you make it easier for the person you care for from the start! In my case all I wanted from my ex was for her to be honest and sincere with me since the beginning so that I wouldn't get any surprises in the future! Well she wasn't honest and she told me she was a virgin! We got engaged but somehow I started to notice a pattern of lies from her and when I least expected someone else told me she was lying to me all along! Later in the relationship she confessed to me that she had lost her virginity to her ex! The worst part is that later I found out that she had also slept with other guys! Regardless if it happened in the past she lied to me in the present and what justifies her lying to me! To protect me from getting hurt well that's bs because she made it worst by lying! I hope you girls reading this understand that lying about being a virgin hurts more than coming clean about the truth from the start! So she made me believe I had an honest girl yet she proved me wrong! So In a respectful manner I did let her go! And once again ladies it was not because she wasn't a virgin it was simply because she lied to me and the trust was broken! Once you lose that trust in someone you are better off alone! I know that you loved the girl you thought was being honest with you but in reality in most cases someone who covers up their past and lies about something so serious will only keep on hurting you in the future or the other way around! My suggestion is that you are still young and their are many honest females out there expecting an honest man! An good honest girl will treat you with respect! They might not be virgins but that doesn't matter if they are honest from the get go and have a good heart that's would should matter to you! I know how you feel its not easy to recover from being deceived it takes time to heal a broken heart! Yet In time God will fix everything if you put your trust in him! God is good he will give you peace to forgive and forget! Stay active go to the gym take dancing lessons take some classes at school because that's how you will realize that your not alone and that a good honest woman will be there for you in just time! I truly believe God has someone just right for you! You'll see be strong that this till shall past! To all the honest folks out there I have respect for you and much love to you all! God bless!
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A
male
reader, Serpico  +, writes (22 July 2010):
You are doing the completely right thing - find someone with the same high moral standard as yourself and you'll never regret you did. That you want to let go of this liar so gently shows what a good guy you must be.
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A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit  +, writes (21 July 2010):
 As I said...it is not an issue of "who had more partners". It is an issue of what a person values, and do they have similar enough values to make a marriage work.
You did the right thing.
I think you may want to consider yourself lucky that you found all this out BEFORE you got married. Breaking an engagement is better than a nasty divorce.
-Frank
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A
male
reader, shoccs +, writes (21 July 2010):
shoccs is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks for all the replies, but most of you do not understand the situation i was in. Its very easy for you to say forget and move on and i dont love her and such. I did love her, but i cant marry her to be fair to her i dont want to mistreat her when we married, there consequences to all our actions.i broke up with her the truth came out she was actually sleeping with 2 orther guys while engaged to me stating that she felt rejected that i was virgin.she told her friends shel stop sleeping with the orther guys if she managed to seduce before we got married.so dnt just support promiscous behaivor
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (28 March 2010):
 I would say to her, "I am from a conservative background and I really believe in having a virgin for a wife. I want to share that special first experience with a virgin on my wedding night. I am not a perfect guy myself and I am in no way saying virgins are better women than non-virgins. I hope you find love again and whoever guy you will be meeting would love you for who you are. Please find no need to lie about things like that again in the future."
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2010): you dont love her. let her go. she deserves better.
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A
female
reader, z09a  +, writes (27 March 2010):
if you truly love her then u should look past that. i mean if she cheated on u den thats a no-no. but if she has great attributes then whatever happened in her past shouldnt be an obstacle to wat should happen in ur future together.
we do not always get wat we want. an i can understand where you are comin from as pertaining to her 'lying' to you about her past since my ex lied to me and the trust that i once had completely went out the window. i felt as though my whole relationship was just based on lies an i felt as all the good times we shared was overshadowed by that particular lie.
but all in all, if she's a great woman an she truly does love you, u should look past that and seek counselling (well if u really do want to spend the rest of ur life with her, after all u proposed) to get past that hurt or disapointment in ur life.
an if u realize that u jus cant deal with being with a woman who's not a virgin then sit down talk to her about what u wanted in ur life, the goals that u had set in ur life and a woman like her isnt wat u wanted. wish her all the best an move on wit ur life.
hopefully u do get wat u want!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2010):
If this guy asking the question was the one who had been lying about something important to many women (major porn habit, he totally lied about his family's background, etc) there would be a totally different reaction from most of the answerers. Only a few of you have not shown a double standard.
This guy was the one who was lied to, and now he is trying to do what he has to do in the most respectful way possible. The rest of you responders are being the immature ones here. Maybe this issue is not important to many of you but that does not excuse lying to someone who does care. You are the one who need to grow up and stop trying to impose YOUR values on others.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (27 March 2010):
 If you don't love her anymore ,you would mind about her not being a virgin.
If you truly love her deeply, it would not matter to you .
No matter how you sugar coat it , it will always be bitter to her.
I wish you all the best of luck in looking for a virgin girl and having all those ideals you seek.
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A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (27 March 2010):
 Tell her with kindness and respect. Do not make her feel less of a woman. She isn't.
Do bear in mind that you're going to have a hard time finding a woman who is a virgin at 27. Almost everyone is likely to have had sex by the time they get near that age. You're more likely to find another woman who will pretend to be a virgin because she likes you and wants to get married.
So think carefully. If you really love this woman you could well be better off marrying her. As long as you can get over this, at least you know the truth.
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A
male
reader, unwind +, writes (27 March 2010):
Was it during your relationship? Based on your wording, you thought she was a virgin, and that was the most important facet about her. If you leave her and find someone else, they will probably have something you don't like. I think you a nitpicking a bit.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2010): I think if you truly love her, it didn't matter when you didn't know. It didn't change who she was when you thought she was a virgin.
She hasn't had sex since you've been dating, so she must like you.
If you truly love her, I think you should stick.
If you find this so important:
Tell her gently, don't get mad or yell.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2010): She slept with ten men?! Wow, this was quite the lie that she told. If this is really something that concerns you, then you should simply tell her how it is.
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A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit +, writes (27 March 2010):
Be honest, direct and very CALM when you tell her, and tell her as soon as possible.
If you value being honest and being a virgin for your wedding, then you are right to seek out someone that values the same thing. If she does not have the same values that you do, it is unlikely that you will be able to make a long term marriage work.
-Frank
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A
female
reader, nlieu279 +, writes (27 March 2010):
 Then you in fact did not love her at all. She lied to you probably because she knew if she told the truth, you would leave her right away from the start. Now she told you the truth and you leave her, like she has always known, then you are, well, not empathy at all. Show her your generosity and she won't lie to you again.
I lied to my fiance about the same problem, and he too was a virgin. He found out the truth by himself but he still love me and did not leave me. He did in fact confronted me, and I told him the truth. The point is what she needs from you, like I did to my fiance, is your generosity.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2010): If the lie was when you guys started going out then let it go if you love her. Most people lie bout something when thy frist start a reship.. When you love a person you just don't let things go just like that
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A
female
reader, jc82 +, writes (27 March 2010):
 The only thing you can do is be honest. I think if you have saved yourself for marriage, its fine that you want someone else who holds sex as sacred as you do. Just explain that you still think she is a nice person, but that your dream girl must be a virgin. She will be upset, but she should not have lied to you.
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