A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi - My boyfriend who I've known for 18 months told me about something he did about 7 years ago which has left me feeling really odd towards him. He said he'd been out drinking with two female friends and a male friend. Three of them went back to one of the womens houses - one of the women went home. My boyfriend said him and his mate ended up getting some serious action in a threesome although he never had sex with the girl. I'm not sure whether to believe that. The trouble is I am worried that he took advantage with another man of a drunk girl and have started to wonder what really happened - also a threesome is not something I'd ever consider. In addition he had, at the time, had an argument with his long term girlfriend - they hadn't spoken for two weeks - and in his eyes it wasn't therefore cheating. However they hadn't officially split up. He says he told his girlfriend but I'm finding that hard to believe as well. I hate this feeling of distrust now. I know he's told me which I should be glad he'd been open about it but I almost wish he hadn't as its left me feeling quite differently towards him - 'not enough' sexually and also wondering where his boundaries are. I know it was a long time ago but he was with his girlfriend for 5 years and hasn't had another serious relationship until me. Does anyone have any advice?
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2007): it's easy to get paranoid in relationships.
my boyface goes on bout his ex loads making me parannoid as fuck.
if its in the past, it should maybe stay in the past.
the best way to deal with it is ask him about it, in like a sensitive way, until you find out what you need to know.
good luck
A
female
reader, penta  +, writes (12 August 2007):
 Has your boyfriend given you ANY other reason not to trust him? Has he been straight with you with everything else? If so, the person who should be upset right now is him. He confided in you and you couldn't handle it. That's sad.
And there are lots of possibilities about what happened. Maybe the reason he didn't have sex is because the other guy did and he was the odd guy out. You just don't know. And frankly, if I told you something and you reacted this way I wouldn't be telling you anything else again soon, so you my never know.
Your best option is to talk to him, without judging him. Be calm, so you can find out the exact situation without making him close up. Let him know that you're concerned about some definitions of when someone is in a relationship, and want to make sure that he knows that if you two argue, you don't think it would be okay for him to sleep with someone else.
And figure out a way to get over it. It sounds like he felt he could confide in you; that's a good sign. But you have to know that this is his PAST. It means he can't change it, whether he wants to or not. And somehow you're going to have to get a handle on it or it doesn't look good for your future.
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A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (12 August 2007):
 Ok, he went back to the woman's house with his friend. He got some "pretty serious action in a threesome", although he didn't have sex with the woman.....So am I to understand he had sex with the guy? Who did he have action with?
Also, why are you accusing him of taking advantage of the woman. Maybe she invited them back to the house and she took advantage of the men because they had been drinking. Why do you assume the guys were the ones taking advantage?
As for cheating on his girlfriend. If they were still a couple, it was cheating. How old were they? That makes a difference. Why are you so concerned about this event from so long ago? I think it has to do with you feeling like you're not enough for him. Is this an issue in your relationship?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2007): Don't you wish they'd keep their mouths shut sometimes? I went through this with my ex he mentioned about him having threesomes in his past and it really altered my whole opinion about him. I thought too that I was never enough for him sexually and it really played on my mind quite a lot. I wish men would'nt brag about their sexual history, maybe it's something the lads down the pub want to hear about but not a potential life partner (Please bear this in mind any guys reading this out there). I could't get my head round it either and wouldn't even dream about doing it myself. For me having sex with a partner is something special between two people. When you hear about your partner doing things like this it really cheapens the whole thing don't you think? Then you start thinking well he was with a guy ??? Did he get enjoyment out of seeing his friend naked and sexual? that freaked me out too.I don't know what to suggest, for me after that revelation the relationship was never really the same because it shattered my opinion of his character and made me feel sick. Yes we plodded along another few months but it was never the same again and we drifted apart.
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A
female
reader, hlskitten +, writes (12 August 2007):
 I had something similar happen with my ex.
He told me years ago when he was a teen he was having an affair with a married woman, who were friends of the family. One night him and this girl & her husband and some girl her husband was seeinging(all very strange from what it sounded) had group sex.
I found that weird & he even said his previous girlfriend before me couldnt get her head round it either.
But he explained that it was a long time ago & he wouldnt ever do it again. But it was just something to try.
I did get over it but never understood it. He turned out to be a liar that liked living dangerously & we split anyway but not to do with that.
I wouldnt think too much of it really. If it was while ago & as long as hes not asking you to do it, i wouldnt worry.
And we have all done things in the past that might have people questioning our trust worthyness, but people change & you cant really hold his past against him now.
As long as you believe what he says to you.
Good luck
C xxxxx
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