A
male
age
51-59,
*innyMagoo
writes:I’ve been with my fiance for 5 years. She has a young daughter (aged 8) who I look after as if she was my own.Earlier this year I discovered that she had been texting, e-mailing, etc several men. The messages were suggestive (by them and her) and not really appropriate for someone in a serious relationship. This was a horrible time because I was going out of my mind questioning everything – I was checking pockets, receipts, her messages on message boards, e-mails, sneaking through her phone while she was asleep, etc. Everything was, I suppose, a potential threat to me losing her.At first she denied that there was anything serious about it – it was all a bit of fun for her. She does have a strong need for attention. She doesn’t dress in a provacative manner or behave like a slut, etc, but she does it in more subtle ways, almost as if she enjoys knowing these men want her and leads them on. I know we all like to flirt and have a laugh with the opposite sex, but most of us know where to draw the line – my fiance gets carried away with it all and doesn’t seem to know when to stop.She told me that she thought she was in love with one of them (Mr P) but, as he was married she couldn’t have him. She said she hasn’t slept with him and she confessed that she’s the one doing the chasing. She had offered him sex but it didn’t happen. There was nothing in it and she broke down and told me how sorry she was, etc. She told me she did love me and was prepared to put a stop to it all. She sent the men e-mails telling them she had a partner and didn’t want to be involved with them anymore. I thought this was a brave thing for her to do.Deep down I understood why she was seeking this extra attention. I must confess that I haven’t always been the most supportive or positive partner to her. I hold my hands up to this. I know I’ve been unfair and horrible with her over the years and I am a jealous, insecure person. Saying that, I do love her very much and wanted to make things work. I told her I would do anything, counselling, therapy, etc. Whatever it took. To cut a long story short, all this was a wake up call for me. We talked and talked and agreed that we would try and be better to each other, put this behind us and start afresh.I went on a parent nurturing programme to try and be a better parent to my fiances young daughter and started to treat my fiance with more respect and encouraged her to talk more and be open with me. We got her a new mobile phone so she wouldn’t have to speak to the other men and she came off the message boards for a while. She also started to visit a councillor to help her deal with problems she has about her confidence, being secretive and for her low self-esteem. She says she often feels suicidal and feels down – even when we’re having good times! Recently I felt something was wrong. I’m ashamed to say I sneaked through her stuff again and found another mobile phone. To my horror there were messages on there from a few other men and Mr P(“ Hi Sexy, can’t wait to see you,” etc) I was shaking and felt sick. How could she do this?I asked her what was going on and why had she got back in touch when we were supposed to be working things out. She told me that she thought we were sliding anyway so gave Mr P a call. She said she had also gone to see him and that they’ve been in touch for a while, though nothing has happened with them. I told her I didn’t believe her and actually sent txt messages to one of the other men and Mr P telling them that I knew what was happening and that she was just making fools of them by leading them on with false promises. One of the men wrote back saying that he wanted nothing to do with her because she had lied and made a fool of him. I’ve threatened to tell Mr P’s wife.However, I felt that she doesn’t really love me and I decided that we should split. I’ve started to look for somewhere else to live. Deep down I don’t really want to leave because I love her and thought that we could have been a better, stronger couple and had a future together. We had issues but I was sure we could have worked round them. Then she told me something which she had only just discovered while visiting the councillor. She told me that she has learnt that she was sexually abused by a family friend between the ages of 6 – 8. This man also made another boy perform sex acts with her.I was devastated. I felt so sorry for her and told her that I loved her and want to be with her to support her. We’ve cried together many times over the last week. I just want to hold her close and let her know that I’m here for her.Now, she’s staying at a friends house because she says she needs some space and a break away from me. I feel torn now. In fact I feel so depressed, useless and not sure what to do. I’m feeling every emotion possible and am really worried about her. She says she loves me but doesn’t see a future for us at the moment. I suppose she’s right. Looking at it all we have issues with trust, secrets, my jealousy / insecurity and general negative feelings clouding over us.I don’t know what to do. Half of me wants to leave, move away and put it all behind me, the other half wants to stay and try a new fresh start with her. I’ve suggested we see councillors, guidance, etc, as a couple anything that would help us.The truth is I love her so much and want to be there to support her and look after her, but I suppose the reality is we are doomed and would be better if we broke up and lived our separate lives. I need someone with a clear head to tell me what to do!!!Apologies for this very lengthy post and thank you in advance for any help or suggestions you can offer.
View related questions:
a break, broke up, confidence, depressed, fiance, flirt, insecure, jealous, needs some space, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, TinnyMagoo +, writes (22 October 2007):
TinnyMagoo is verified as being by the original poster of the question Hi. Thank you both for your help. It is all swings & roundabouts at the moment.
You're right about going back might be a bad move. I've thought about this too. If we did get back together how do I know that it won't happen again which means we'll go through this mess again. I think that as soon as she feels like she's not getting the attention she wants or someone starts flirting with her she'll go along with it again, and I'll be back at square one! I've also questioned the fact about the abuse story and wondered if it was thought up by her to defend her actions, but I'd hate to be wrong if it was true. I couldn't imagine the sort of mental damage something like that would do.
I still have contact with my step-daughter as I don't want her to be messed up with this - she's only 8 years old and thinks the split is her fault for being naughty!! I know she's not really mine and I have no legal rights but I've known her since she was 1 and have built up a bond with her. She still calls me Dad!! My ex is okay with this and doesn't mind me having her stay over, days out, etc.
It's a shame when innocent kids are brought into these circumstances.
I've basically decided that I'll just take one day at a time. Keeping busy, doing my own thing, etc. I'm not going to text her, call her, visit, etc but will reply/speak to her if I have to. I'm trying to control the situation so that I don't get hurt anymore than I have.
I was thinking of cutting all ties with my ex completely but I think this is too drastic at this stage. I suppose in time we might grow further apart naturally.
So, I'm just playing it slowly at the moment and trying to focus on me and my future.
Thanks again for the advice - much appreciated. I'll keep you posted!!!
A
male
reader, Richard_EMids +, writes (20 October 2007):
 Hey - well you've made it so far. I can sympathise - I've through something similar - not exactly the same. Same sort of girl as yours by the sound of it - but older. She was always getting attention from men (fair enough - she was very beautiful) but she was also guilty of encouraging their interest - not in a cheap way - just very subtle. I sometimes would come back from the toilet in a restaurant to find some guy giving her his phone number.
Anyway - back to you -I know this "should I/shouldn't I" situation is difficult - especially with this type of person. I'm still getting over it myself after break up in January. It's not easy believe me. The love just makes it worse - you can't see anything clearly. I think you have to ask yourself how credible the child abuse thing is - don't get me wrong it might be true - but people with a behaviour problem will try and explain/justify it in all sorts of ways. It makes you feel sorry for her - but really it shouldn't be a factor in your decision making.
To the issue that's really at the heart of your posting - only you can decide - especially now that you've had a break from her. How comfortable are you in what sounds a very insecure, realtionship. How much do you feel you can trust her? How would you cope if you had to go through all the pain again? In my situation I came to the conclusion that a "leopard doesn't change it's spots" - not a mature adult leopard. I looked at my own personality weakness (time-management) which I have wrestled with for years but kept it hidden from people and admitted I can't change it - its innate - part of me - in my DNA. I decided that her constant need for attention from men was not something she could control - even though she promised many times - and failed many times. So I finished it last January. And have been through all the stages of contacting her / not contacting/ hoping she contacts me - but I still come back to the fact I don't think she can change - and I couldn't live with it - so I am better off without her. Even though I have had so much pain as a result - it's the price I had to pay. Good luck with whatever you decide. Let me know how you get on.
...............................
A
female
reader, hlskitten +, writes (17 October 2007):
 Hi
Blimey sounds very similar to what im going through at the moment.
As it happens i split from someone about the same sort of time as you, maybe a couple of weeks earlier.
We too are on talking terms and have spent some time together with the children and ocasionally without. But i dont want him back. I still have feelings for him, but i couldnt trust him and we have had problems in the past too.
But im not strong enough to cut off all contact yet. We started off not talking and then got on talking terms and maybe that wasnt the best idea, but our children adore each other, so thats where my weakness is.
I can catagorically state i wouldnt see him again if it wasnt for the kids.
So i dont know what is going through your exes mind. But she sounds as confused as me. She probably does love you, but doesnt know which way to go because shes quite sure you 2 wont work. Its a flippin awful place to be in. And i wish i could give you a better answer but because i am in a similar situation and not anywhere near ending it yet, i cant im afraid.
Keep us posted.
C xxxxx
...............................
A
male
reader, TinnyMagoo +, writes (17 October 2007):
TinnyMagoo is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell, since my last post I moved out at the end of August and am now living in a flat on my own. I've been through break-ups before and know that there's a sort of 'grieving' period. Time heals, etc, etc.
It was very difficult at first. I would send her txt's, make excuses to call round, etc. One night I was so bad I was practically on my knees in tears telling her that I loved her and wanted us to start again. I threw my dignity right out the window! She told me that she was happier without me and saw no future for us. I was devastated. I had hoped that deep down we could try again. Saying that, this was within the first 2 weeks so the dust hadn't quite settled!
After that night I told myself that the only way through this and getting back on track would be to not send her txt messages, phone calls, call round to visit, etc. I felt that we both needed space and time apart. I wasn't burning my bridges, but just giving her the space I felt she needed.
I also found that not hearing from her or visiting helped me come to terms quicker. It was upsetting to see that she had re-decorated the house, bought new furniture and was going for days out with her daughter. It seemed that the house I once called home was not anymore and I felt left out of her life because I wasn't part of her days out, etc.
It wasn't an easy decision to make because there were times when I really did just want to call her or send her a message or invite her round for tea. I must add that we have remained friends and are on talking terms. She recently had to spend a day in hospital and I looked after my step-daughter. When she came out of hospital, I took her a get well card and some flowers.
The thing is I've been quite happy (in a sense) not texting her, calling, etc because it's easier for me - what I don't know doesn't hurt, if you know what I mean. She did tell me that she hasn't seen anybody, but because of what's happened this year I can't rely on that.
The main problem has been with my ex. She started calling me asking if I've been seeing anybody (which I haven't) She's done this a few times and it's caused arguements. I asked her why would she want to know - she says it's because if we're staying friends we should know about each other. I told her if she was seeing someone else I'd rather not know. This happened a few times. Then she told me she'd be jealous but at the same time tells me not to make anything of it!!
Just before her operation she got really horrible with me and I put it down to her being anxious. I spoke to her Mum and she said to take no notice and that she felt that we would end up back together anyway. I told her Mum that my ex was happier without me and saw no future. Her Mum just laughed and said to take no notice of her - she's just worried about the hospital.
So, after visiting her last week (after her operation at the hospital) she has been sending me text's each day and being 'nicer' to me. She has been nice anyway, but seems to be making more of an effort. She sends me messages like "Hope you've had a good day off work", "Have a nice time", "How are you?", etc. General nice messages.
Although I told myself I wouldn't text her or call (but only in reply to hers) I have been sending her messages asking how she feels, hope she's well, not too sore, etc. Just general messages because I know she's not been too good.
The thing is I'm starting to feel confused. A few of my friends have told me that it sounds like she's missing me, wants me back, doesn't want to lose me, etc, but I'm not so sure. I would love it if we got back together and worked through our problems but don't want to build my hopes up.
It would be useless asking her directly because she's never going to tell. I've told her I still love her and care about her and she's told me the same - but I don't know if she means it or not.
I sometimes think we have a can't live with them - can't live without them situation!!
So, I've got to the stage where I'm wondering what's going on!! Does she want me but can't tell me? Is she confused? Is she just being nice and friendly? Is she just keeping me as a safe net to fall back on if things don't go her way with other men?
I'm just taking each day as it comes. Don't want to get to close if it's not going to happen and I don't want to push her away if she does want me.
I would love to hear from anybody who can see through the fog with this!!!
...............................
A
female
reader, hlskitten +, writes (12 August 2007):
Hi
I persnally think the only way you will stand any chance of getting through this as a couple is for joint counselling.
The lone counselling didnt help her did it.
Doesnt sound like she wants to be having sex with anyone else, just the need for attention.
But until she speaks to a professional, her head isnt going to lose that need.
I dont think you alone would be enough attention for her the way shes feeling at the moment, thats why joint counselling might well work.
If she wont do that then i think you probably are doomed.
Good luck
C xxxxx
...............................
|
