A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I’m in a tough spot. Due to some circumstances, I am living with my boyfriend and his siblings in their parents summer home. It was a very good living situation - none of us paid rent and we had a huge house to the four of us while his parents lived in another home. It was ideal since we could save money to move out to a house of our own but i don’t know if I can take anymore. We originally got along very well until an incident earlier this year.. his sister was supposed to pick us up at the airport and bailed on us, then proceeded to send me a very nasty message about how unappreciative I am of his family. She was drunk. Needless to say, things have been rough since then. She is a total slob (leaves mouldy food in the fridge, doesn’t clean it out, leaves her underwear on the floor in the bathroom, doesn’t help clean up) and is a drunk. Gets drunk constantly in her room alone. Anyways.. she has gotten drunk on more than one occasion while we have been out for family dinners. In these drunken fits, she has repeatedly told me she doesn’t consider me family (despite me living with her and her family for the past four years) and how she would never consider me a sister. His mom and dad have apologized for her behaviour by saying she needs to mature a lot and she’s just an immature person right now. I have been extremely civil and nice to his sister since the airport incident and have toughed out her disrespect and rudeness but I seriously cannot take it anymore. In addition to being mean to me, she trashes her parents constantly and they have bailed her out of everything in life. I hate seeing that kind of disrespect towards anyone. Another incident that took place this week was a slipper misunderstanding. Her mother bought me handmade slippers from Ireland as a gift and they disappeared from where I had them. I asked around about where they were and her mom had no idea. I did laundry (which is in the sisters part of the house) and lo and behold my slippers were in a gift bag addressed to her friend. I asked her mom about it and the story was something like “oh we bought three pairs but I took two up to house with me and she really needed them for her work gift exchange so I told her to take yours and forgot to tell you” so.. weird but whatever. We live together and she couldn’t be bothered to mention it to me? So yesterday was Christmas (merry Xmas everyone) and it was a good day. We didn’t get anything nice from her (she didn’t even get a present to her other brother who has always been kind to her.. so that kind of shows what kind of a person she is) and my boyfriend and I drove home. His brother came an hour after us (his parents live a few hours away btw) and relayed that after we left his sister started talking mad crap about me.. things like how she doesn’t consider me family and she doesn’t like me and how I thought she stole my slippers (WHICH SHE DID because she didn’t say anything to me at all) and other stuff.I am extremely upset and don’t know how to handle it. I could send her a message and say what I’ve been holding in all year and be like ok we’re just room mates because you are a huge b***** don’t talk to me anymore and risk his family’s relationship with me. Or I can try to tough it out more.My boyfriend has spoken to his parents and sister numerous times and I feel so guilty for straining a family and it’s not my fault. I wish we could move out but we are in a tough spot financially (everyone is) that we have to live with each other for at least one More year. I spoke to his mom about how upset I was from hearing what she had to say about me and I needed time to think about what to do. She said she understood completely and know her daughter needs to mature a lot (her own words) so there’s that. How do I address this situation? Either I tough it out and pull out my hair or stand up to this bully. Idk what to do.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2017): Original poster here.You’re right. I have posted before because I really need to rant and it makes me feel better - but I have read all the answers here and have chosen to just accept that my future sister in law is just a huge b****. Can’t fix spoiled entitled princess as some people here have said. I had a very long heart to heart with his parents and they agreed that maybe while it sucks, they think she is just too immature for her age and has a drinking problem. I have said that I needed a lot of space from her because I will not tolerate her disrespect and they were very lovely and understanding. As for the rent and living here, they insist we continue to just stay here until I am finished with school. They actually want her to move out because they think it would be better for her to be closer to the city than in the middle of no where. She is extremely depressed (hence the drinking) and I have tried talking to her... but she doesn’t get what she’s done wrong. I don’t think she remembers anything mean she’s ever done to me because shes drinking at the time she does them. So I have given up on the situation and will now treat her as a roomie that I simply do not like. His mom and dad have been super helpful but they don’t know what to do with her, and I get that. As for the slippers, the Mom admitted she was covering up for her daughter because she didn’t know that her daughter had done that. So there’s that. Again, thank you for all your posts. I have combated with feeling extremely guilty for being a freeloader and not being able to get along with his sister and maybe risk creating drama if I had said anything but Christmas Day was a breaking point for me. his parents said their daughter is an extremely difficult and mean person so they were surprised we lasted this long around her. It was good to say what I wanted to say and it felt very good to know that his parents agree whole heartedly with how I feel and my reactions towards this. They will be sending her abroad to Ireland for graduate school in a last ditch attempt for her to mature while overseas. She will not be leaving until fall 2018. So fingers crossed because at this point in time, once my boyfriend and I move out I will like to never ever speak to her again. Thanks everyone!
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (27 December 2017):
 I too remember the airport debacle.
I also remember that YOU have lived rent free for a LONG time at your BF's parent's house. Basically freeloading. doesn't matter that your BF's parents are OK with it - they might still be, and they might not. they might even be OK with their daughter's passive-aggressive behavior.
Why the sister HAVE to live with you two I don't know. Maybe because the parents wanted her to get out on her "own" and out of their hair.
I don't really think you can complain much here.
The whole slipper incident makes no sense. If they were YOURS why would her mom tell her she could take them? If that was indeed the truth, then the MOM is the one creating drama, don't you think?
You can confront her but what really do you think will happen? It's HER parents house you live in! HER parents.
She obviously have issues. Being spoiled, social awkward and perhaps a drinking problem.
The thing is you CAN NOT fix her.
And you can not change how she feels about you. My guess is she is actually jealous of you. Compared to her you seem better functioning than she is. Socially. You have a BF, a job, friends, her parents seem to like you... etc.
But besides being jealous, she also dislikes you. You have "encroached" on her family. As she sees it things were FINE before you came into the picture. THAT is my guess.
Confronting her will not change a thing. Just create more hostility.
Your BF have tried to mediate and have their parents take action with his sister's behavior but they rather keep their blinders on and think all is well with her, with their son and you.
The only REAL thing you can do.. is MOVE out. That way she isn't going to be living with you. She might still not like you at all and well THAT is her RIGHT to decide whom she likes and dislikes.
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A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (27 December 2017):
 I remember your previous questions about this girl.
There's not really much you can do besides deal with it. Calling her out would be the worst possible idea as that would lead to the family turning against you. They will never take your side over his no matter how bitchy she is.
Keep saving for your own place and in the mean time you have no other option besides biting your tongue. I suppose you could break up with your BF so you don't have to deal with it anymore, but I doubt you want to do that.
At the end of the day you're living there rent free, all you have to do is avoid her as much as possible and remain civil whenever you meet.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (27 December 2017):
 OP right now you want everything your way. Your want to live in someone else's house rent free, on your terms, and then you complain when someone misbehaves with you. I agree that the sister has no business to behave badly with you but then again, legally you are no one to her. It's HER parents house. YOU are the gatecrasher.
She has a problem with alcohol but she's not going to your parents house and creating a ruckus; she's doing it at her place. You say you don't know how much more you can take. Then move, by all means. You can't live free of cost and demand 5 star treatment. Even if you paid rent you would have some say but I'm surprised that you're even putting up this much of a fight despite your.. Forgive me for saying this... freeloading. How is SHE a bully when you have parked yourself at HER parents house, I fail to understand!
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A
male
reader, Been there Now over it +, writes (27 December 2017):
Your boyfriend and his parents shouldn't be putting up with this child. They should be doing something to treat her addition. However, that is their business and - if you want your relationship with your BF to last - you shouldn't interfere. But shame on them.
You can depend on one thing.......that she's not going to change. It sounds like you've been living rent-free for a while, so you should have some money saved. If you don't, you and your boyfriend really need to start saving so that you can get out of this situation. It is not going to change until you do.
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A
male
reader, Billy Bathgate +, writes (26 December 2017):
Confrontation will do you no good. You’re living with a mean entitled drunk who everyone makes excuses for. A confrontation will only make people take sides and from what you wrote everyone but your BF will be on her side.
What’s that term you young people use, adulting ? Maybe you and your boyfriend should start doing that. It may be convenient to live rent free at your BF’s parent’s it is probably time for the two of you to figure how you can live on your own as adults.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (26 December 2017):
 You are in an unfortunate situation. I agree with everything that youcannotbeserious said. One thing that I want to drive home to you is that 99% of the time "blood is thicker than water" holds true. The girl may be spoiled, may be a brat, her family may agree with you that she's a problem but when it is all said and done..SHE is family. At this point in time, you are NOT. I don't think its wise of you to think that you are going to have the family take your side no matter if you are right. I wouldn't continue to chose this path.
IF at all possible, can you not find a way to reach out to the girl? There could be many factors going on but she could be very insecure, jealous of you. I would guess that she knows she screws up and that could possibly lead to her drinking problem. Would it hurt to try again to talk to her? reach out to her? possibly befriend her? It almost sounds like she is screaming out for help, wanting attention, and not knowing the right way to go about things.
I'm not saying that you can do this, but I'd give it one more shot. If that doesn't work, then I think you and your boyfriend should do whatever is necessary to move out. A year is a very long time when you are very unhappy. I also would not talk trash about the girl. It makes you look petty and immature like the one you don't like. Its hard I know but sometimes you just have to bite your tongue and ignore people that you don't like. Just a thought..if you should marry your boyfriend, this girl will be your sister in law. Do you really want her as an enemy?
When I married my now ex husband, I fell in love with his mother immediately. She was an angel. His dad? A big mouthed racist man who talked too much and too loudly and had an opinion about anything and everything and God help you if you didn't agree with him.He was a tyrant and a bully and his whole family knew it and could joke him about it, but as an outsider, I could not. I did not like him from the start...BUT I loved my husband and after just one fight with his dad, I knew I had to back down and make peace. I didn't want to pit my husband against his dad. My husband knew what his dad was like, but loved him dearly. I learned to smile, agree and inside my head think exactly what I wanted never letting on how ridiculous my father in law was to his face. It saved many many fights. Yes it was frustrating but at least there was peace.
Good luck. I hope you can somehow come to some sort of an arrangement where everyone can get along!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2017): Time to get your own place. As long as you live in that house; you are subject to their family drama. You're getting a rent-free deal, and I'm sure your parents have taught you nothing comes entirely free. The price you pay for living in their parent's house, is dealing with your drunken sister-in-law.
The hard fact to swallow is, she has as much right to live in that house (if not more) than you do! You're an in-law, she is one of their offspring and heirs. So holding grudges and bad-blood serves you no purpose. You can stew on things; but it seems the general family-consensus is to put-up with your sister-in-law's ways. As irritating as they may be!
You can get ticked-off and give her a piece of your mind; but then, you stand to see the wrath of her protective parents and siblings. They tend to dismiss her bad-behavior; and if they do feel offended, it's really up to them to set her straight. If she gives you consternation; you and your husband are welcome to move-out at anytime.
My opinion? I think it is time to move-out and move on. There will still be plenty of family-closeness to enjoy on holidays, summers, and family-celebrations. You're now complaining and having issues with a member of the family with weaknesses that they seem to live in denial about; so you're the odd-man out, I guess.
Before you open your mouth and say something you'll regret; I suggest you have a talk with your husband about looking for a nice place to live.
If sticking close is a way to assure yourselves some piece of that property when the parents pass-on; then just put-up with it until that time comes. Otherwise; it's time to get out into the world and live your own life.
If you're hoping she gets kicked out to appease you, that is very unlikely to happen. She's an heir, sibling, and a daughter. Maybe you can suggest to your husband to lead a family-intervention to get her into rehab.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (26 December 2017):
 So many things come to mind when I read your post:
#1: This girl obviously has issues. She has problems with alcohol and quite possibly has other mental health issues (as well as being very immature). Try, just for a minute, to put yourself in HER shoes. I am sure, if she were to read your post, she would say YOU are the bully and SHE is the victim.
#2: Did she have a say in you coming to live with the other FAMILY members in the FAMILY's home? Remember, blood is thicker than water. When push comes to shove, YOU are the outsider. YOU are not family. SHE is. If things become unbearable, regardless of whose "fault" it is, the family will ALWAYS take her side if a side needs to be taken.
#3: This girl's relationship with her parents is none of your business. You may not like the way she speaks about her parents but they are HER parents and she is THEIR daughter. You are just dating their son.
#4: It sounds like this girl may have trouble coping with life in general. She could even be suffering from some form of depression. Depressed people cannot even cope with normal everyday things like staying tidy or clean. You may see buying a present for someone as an "easy" thing to do but, for someone battling alcoholism, and possibly other mental health issues, it could be a big deal and completely overwhelming. Just because she bought presents for others does not mean she found it easy. And again, her relationship with her brother is none of YOUR business. They have been siblings for as long as the younger of them has been alive. They will stay siblings for the rest of their lives. You are just dating one of the brothers.
#5: You need to stop sweating the small stuff. It doesn't really matter if she told you or not about the slippers. As you yourself said, it was a "misunderstanding". Let it go.
#6: Have you ever tried actually TALKING to this poor girl? I mean, it doesn't take a genius to work out that she is very unhappy. Happy people do not rant like she does or lock themselves away on their own with a bottle for company. Have you ever sat her down and said "Listen, I can see you are unhappy. I can see you are stressed. In the interests of harmony in the house, what can I do to make life a bit easier for you?" And then actually listened to her response without getting defensive? It's interesting to read that she accuses you of exactly the same as you accuse her: being ungrateful and unappreciative.
Can you be the more mature person in this situation and try to make peace so that everyone can live relatively stress-free for the next 12 months or so? Considering how much rent you have already saved, and will continue to save, by living there, is it not worth honing your diplomatic skills on this poor girl and trying to work something out? And gritting your teeth occasionally and demonstrating your maturity when things get a bit rough?
As a side issue, do her family realize how much she drinks? Before this becomes a serious health problem, perhaps someone needs to find a way of helping this girl?
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A
male
reader, Allumeuse +, writes (26 December 2017):
It's a tough spot you are right. This situation is the epitome of being a grown woman where you have to show genuine strength of character. That means you have to suck it up. You can't move out and you will never persuade her family to choose you over her, but at the same time they all know that she is the one who is out of order so they are never going to take her side either. You two are just going to have to rub along for another 12 months.I wouldn't confront her. What do you hope to achieve? Definitely don't send her a juvenile shitty text that shows everyone else in writing what you think of her when you are at your worst- you are playing right into her hands. Perhaps her parents will have to choose between you then!You literally have to turn the other cheek. Take comfort in the face that she has been unable to make ANYONE else see her point of view, that her parents literally apologise to you about their own child, that your boyfriend has your back against his sister and be the better woman.You should perhaps even feel a bit sad for her- her family see she's angry and hurting but aren't able to get through to her, she's drinking alone in her room so she's probably lonely. It is really sad!When she's acting up repeat this mantra-It's only temporary.This is a test of my character and I have character.She is hurting and I don't want to add to that.My boyfriend and I are a team and we have each others backs.We are saving the money to be free of this shit!The very best of luck. If at the end of the year you succeeded in not making things worse you have the right to say to you self that you can achieve anything if you want to. And be very very proud of yourself
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