A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Long story short, my ex-boyfriend and I dated for almost a year. We broke up a week ago due to the fact that he got a job offer far away. We both kind of chose not to do long distance and that's that, he leaves in a few months. He texted me today out of the blue saying how it's been really hard, and he misses me and he hopes we can be friends. I told him I can't do that yet, and he said he'll always care a lot about me and hope that later we can be friends.I feel it's a little selfish to reach out so soon to be friends? Also, how can he stand to be friends with someone he loved? It makes no sense. Or is he trying to get my attention because I haven't spoken to him since we broke up? I would like some insight.
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broke up, long distance, my ex, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2018): Maybe he's trying to be considerate of your feelings. You still have to ask, if he cared so much; would he have taken a job so far from you? Jobs are something you try to hold-on to as long as you can. So he made a choice. You, or that job.
You don't need his pity or some obligatory-offer of friendship to cling to.
You don't have to accept his friendship; and you don't have to strain your brain trying to figure-out what he means by it.
You are free to let go and move on. His ego, and concerns about your welfare are now irrelevant. He can move on with his life, and you can cut all ties. Especially if they will keep you holding-on in any unhealthy way. You need time to detach, reboot, and sort-out your feelings. For now, you need as few reminders and as little confusion as possible.
I'm sure he means well. You don't have to hold-on by friendship when you wanted more from him than that. Taking the job is telling you he is already moving on. So you do the same, and he can keep his friendship to himself.
As the others have suggested. Go no contact. Block and delete his messages; if they will paralyze you emotionally, and make you miserable. You need few complications or anything that will slow the healing-process.
It's better to go cold-turkey; than have him constantly throwing salt on your wounds with his random doses of pity. The last thing you want to know is when he has found somebody else and he's dating again.
A
female
reader, Heartlove +, writes (22 February 2018):
Sometimes when you ignore a guy that
Brings him back.... gives him time to reflect what he lost.
Can you be friends? That's a loaded question .
Are you attracted to him and vice versa ?
Then no the emotions will dictate physical contact .
If you have hesitation then don't offer too much too soon.
In verbage or texts. You can always add more later .
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (22 February 2018):
 Why? Because he misses being WITH you. While he knows logically that a LDR isn't going to work, MAYBE you are willing to STILL give him the "GF experience" - as in hanging out, talking, socialize, maybe sex. Basically STILL sorta bf his GF until he leaves.
If you can't do that (and it makes sense as to why you can't) then DON'T DO IT.
When my first BF and I broken up after 4 1/2 years together, I was shattered (though it was a mutual decision) and we didn't speak for over a year. But have been friends ever since - so 25+ years. So IT can work as friends, for some people. He is however the ONLY ex I talk to. I generally think being friends with exes is rarely a good idea.
You are still emotionally raw. Stick to your guns and wish him well but keep the no contact if that is what will help YOU move forward.
Chin up, OP It does get better.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2018): He still loves you. There’s no harm in being anyone’s friend, and as much as you feel you should stay away, always remain at least a friend after breaking up. Always leave the door open to possibilities, and the only way you can easily do that is by being a loyal friend.
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A
male
reader, AMC  +, writes (22 February 2018):
I think some breathing space before entering into a 'friends' situation would be beneficial. Then, once you are properly over the break up you will have a clearer head to decide whether you want to be friends with him or not, and hopefully a clearer idea of what his actual intentions are. At present though a polite refusal, but a 'never say never' attitude would be wise.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (22 February 2018):
 I suspect your gut instinct about his reasons are spot on. After all, you know him well (certainly better than any of us on this forum do). Also I suspect he may be trying his luck a bit, hoping that, although you have broken up, because you still have feelings for him, you can become FWBs or similar.
For what it's worth, I would say you are right in NOT wanting to be friends at the moment. You are still upset about the break up (and perhaps a little angry at him?) and you know being friends will not work for you at the moment, so stick to your guns. Be polite but firm. Block him if you have to. Fill your time with other activities and friends. You need to look after yourself first and allow yourself time to get over your break up.
Perhaps after a while, when you have both moved on, you can be friends, but even that is not necessary if it is not what YOU want.
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