A
female
age
30-35,
*ossBaby118
writes:I am in a 6 months into a new relationship. We go out on dates pretty often and have even discussed potential out of town trips. I have a sister who isn’t single but her relationship is very unsteady. Whenever she and her mate argue or are feuding she excludes him from functions. She will ask me to go to dinner, movies, etc with her instead of him. My sister and I hang out pretty often on the regular so it’s not uncommon for us to go places together so I never spoke on it. The issue is now that I am dating someone and she is at odds with her mate again. So she is wanting to plan social events and trips with just me and her. I don’t mind hanging out with my sister by any means but I would like to go places with my boyfriend as well. How do I tell her this without hurting her feelings? I want to hang with her AND my boyfriend but a double date wouldn’t be an option since she is mad at her mate. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2018): How do you tell her you want to have a love-life without hurting her feelings? Talk to her like an adult and let her know that you're spending time with your mate. Like she does when all is well on her end. Stop treating her like a 6 year-old child. She's an adult. Take a rain-check.
You're not her mother, and you can't nursemaid your younger sister through all her trials and tribulations. Sometimes she's got to put her big-girl's panties on and tough it out. Figure it out for herself, and feel the heat. Go make some friends.
My father used to say we are like precious metals. Paraphrasing the Bible. We have to go through heat and pounding to be refined. We have to be melted-down to separate and remove impurities. Then you are cooled and pounded-out; while you're in a malleable state, formed, and polished to a high shine. You are a valuable, hardened, and finished-product at the end. You can't hold her hand through life, and have one of your own. Let her go through her refinement-process.
Nobody loves their siblings like I love mine; but they gotta live and learn. Suffer a few bruises, fall-down, and get-up. They've got to grow some immunity and resilience. That is done by handling hardship and overcoming pitfalls using your own tools of survival. They have to be developed, and you have to hone your life-skills to prepare for having kids. Then you pass it on.
Sometimes you have to offer support from a distance. You've got to have your undisturbed personal-life; or she'll start to feel like an intruder or party-crasher. You'll get resentful, have a big fight, and that's when it will all come-out.
As siblings and family, we see each other as often as possible; but we don't make plans for the others like they can't make plans of their own. We have to be selfless and considerate. They might want to be with their friends, lovers, or spouses. I guess that's being grown-up. She has to learn this.
She's a grown-up, she'll understand. When you set boundaries; people get pissed, their feelings get hurt, they protest, some may even leave you. Nonetheless, they learn to respect you and accept your boundaries over time. She loves you. Your love isn't compromised if you're not there at her beck and call 24/7.
She needs to make some friends; and stop centering her life around you or her man.
How often do you see sis when everything's going her way? Have a life and enjoy time with your new man.
A
male
reader, AMC  +, writes (22 February 2018):
It's a hard balance to get right for sure. I suppose foremost you must always remember that blood is thicker than water - your relationship hopefully will be happy and long-lasting, but may not last forever. However your sister will always be your sister - so important to make plenty of time for her. However she has to understand that your relationship is important too, so maybe an honest talk with her, explain that you want to spend time with both her and your boyfriend, but emphasise how important she is to you so that she doesn't feel like second best, or inferior to the boyfriend. You could even dedicate a particular day to her, or make an arrangement that you will meet up, have dinner every week, month etc. whatever suits you both, so that she knows that she will still see you regularly.
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