A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I have a friend who is in a relationship with someone who wasn't so nice to me and this person is not a nice person at all . I never expected to become friends with her under the circumstances of how I met her but in the few years I've known her I've really enjoyed speaking to her and spending time with her. I think she's really understanding and has similar insecurities to me which makes me feel comfortable around her and I always feel like I can relate to her . she gives good advice and always makes me feel better . she's one of my favourite people I've ever met and I value her in my life so much . I miss her when I don't see her and look forward to seeing her when I do . no one has ever made me smile so much and I always enjoy having phone calls with her . unfortunately because of who she is in a relationship with it has made it incredibly difficult for me to decide whether is it worth being friends with someone who is in a relationship with someone who is horrible person and hurt me in a horrible way . she's aware of what this person did and disapproves of it yet she loves this person so much and I sometimes find it hard to understand how a person can be with someone so horrible but yet at the same time I'm very understanding because of the situation I just question should I still be friends with her or just stop speaking although I would miss her terribly .m just not sure of what the best option is especially when I don't have a great deal of friends and she is someone who I would consider I have been the closest to . Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (26 February 2018):
 You don't need to go in to detail but it is making it very hard for us to give you good advice. When you say he is a very nasty person, was it just to you? Or was it to her as well? It sounds like he treats her well would you agree? So if she doesn't want to get involved between you her friend and him then she has that choice. When you say he exploited you, do you mean sexually? If that is the case then you should report him and also stay away from him. If you feel in danger then it is best to stay away from this friend. It sounds to me like you are jealous because he treats her better than he did you, where you in a relationship with this man? Or was he someone who you previously liked? If he is a nasty person then all the advice I can give you is stay out of his way, if being friends with his girlfriend is giving you feelings of jealousy or lacking self respect then it might be best to take a break from that as well.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2018): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI met my friend through this person who wasn't nice to me which is why I put I didn't expect to become fond of her under the circumstances of how I met her . My friend knew this person about a year before she met me. I was introduced to her by this person . When I say this person is not nice I truly mean it I don't want to go into detail how but he's extremely nasty and my friend knows this yet continues to love him , before I even met her she was aware of what he did to me he basically exploited me and she knew exactly what he was like .I hadn't spent a lot of time with her prior to the relationship its a surprise of how I have let myself become really good friends with someone through this person. its just a case of I have to decide whether its healthy and ideal to be friends with someone who could be with this person and what other ways to go about being friends with her another thing is I have often been quite jealous of her even thought I shouldn't be I became slightly jealous of the fact he didn't exploit her and I allowed my self to lack self respect
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2018): I guess you have to ask yourself, if you are able to enjoy the full benefit of her friendship dodging someone she is dating the whole time?
She is going to spend the majority of her time giving her attention to her boyfriend. You will have to find times when they're apart; and that could be pretty exhausting and difficult. I'm not saying you can't still be friends; I'm only saying that her time and feelings are more devoted to him than to you for now. That's a lot of pressure on someone her age.
Then again, if he doesn't like you; he is going to be sure he pulls her away from you. You will have to compete with him, and that places her in the middle. Trying to please you both.
If you remain friends, you can't expect as much time and attention as he gets. That is probably why he doesn't like you. You demand so much time; because you like her, but you don't like him. Maybe because you're a little jealous.
You used to have her all to yourself, and now he's in the picture. She knows he hurt you and doesn't like you, but she stayed loyal to her boyfriend. This means you have to but-out a little, and not demand too much of her time.
Don't become too dependent on one single friend. Make more friends; so you can become more sociable and less concentrated on your "insecurities." You can't give into your insecurities, you have to work to outgrow them.
You don't make friends based on your faults and weaknesses you share, you make friends to gain strength, to grow, and to lift each other higher. You have to work on any feelings that make you feel less than others; or fears of things that hold you down. You have to become strong; so you can be happy, and become an inspiration to all your friends. Those you do have, and others to come.
Let her spend as much time with her boyfriend as she can. At her age, these puppy-love romances will only last but so long anyway. If she values your friendship, she will keep in-touch.
Don't be a wedge in-between her relationship; and he might not mind you around, and will be less hostile towards you. You may be biased about how bad he is for her, only because you don't wish to share her attention.
It's not up to you to decide who is good for her and who is not. Hang-back and lay-low just a little. If she doesn't keep in-touch as much; it only means she needed more time to spend with him, but she was trying to be nice. This is a test of how much she values your friendship. She will not let you getaway because of some boy. She will hold-on to you!
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (22 February 2018):
 I agree with FA
You CAN still be friends with her, keep it to talking over the phone and if you meet up WITHOUT her partner around (so NOT at her place if she shares that with him/her)
As for why she can BE with someone who has hurt YOU at some point in life, I can't explain that. Maybe she feels he/she has changed? He/she deserves a second chance? Maybe she didn't know when she first got with him/her and now that she knows she sees no sign of a repeat.
She really IS NOT required to only date people YOU, her friend, approve of.
But like FA mentioned, and a VERY important point, is that abusers (if he is one) do like to stay in the orbit of people they had a hold on to CONTINUE to strike FEAR in them from a distance. So please be aware of that.
If she KNOWS what he/she did to you she might also be more vigilant than she used to be. If she too is being abused she might not have found it in her to leave, yet.
So IF her friendship is of such high value to you, I'd try and separate her actions and her friendship from whatever happened with her partner.
...............................
A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (22 February 2018):
 Your post is so ambiguous it is difficult to advise you.
Some general advice is that if you have been abused by a person you should act first to protect yourself from that person. Secondly you can act to protect others.
Another bit of general advice is not to date you friends ex romantic interests. this is something your friend may be doing and if this is the case, she has shown some disrespect to you.
Another thing to be cautious of is that many abusive people tend to try to stay in contact with their victims. It allows them to have continued power over them. In your case the abuser could have connected with your friend just to stay close to you.
Wrap up: A phone or distance relationship with your friend sounds safe enough to me. But constant vigilance should be your watchword.
...............................
|
