A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:Hi. My problem is this. I was with my ex for 7 years. Last April he left to be with someone else. Now he wants me to sell the house to give him money. Things have gotten a bit nasty but the other day he e-mailed me to say he had 'found' his old blackberry file and it containeed pictures of me. Did I remember? He then says 'I think you were asleep?' I have no recall of ever allowing him to take photos of me (as he has implied that they are indecent. I am worried that he has drugged me at some point in order to do this. He had the blackberry a couple of years ago so it would have been then. I asked via e-mail as to what he was referring but to date have had no reply. I'm terrified at the thought that if he has done this, what else has he done to me. I'm sick with worry. I know that taking non-consensual photos is illegal, but need proof that he's actually done what he said. I do believe it's possible, as he'snot long been removed from the GSCC reg for lewdness. He would apparently stoop to anything. Pleae help. Thanks.
View related questions:
money, my ex Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2010): Thanks Honest Answer. :-)
A
male
reader, Honest Answer  +, writes (2 June 2010):
 I would be willing to bet he has nothing. Like other have already said, he is trying to blackmail you. Save all eviedence of this. Find out if it is legal in your state to record his voice over the phone on in person. Some states require consent. It not, buy a digital recorder and catch him in the act of blackmailing you. Save all email. And like others have said, go to the police.
His antics will play to your favor in court reguardless if he actually took pictures of you or not.
Good luck!
Jeff
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey, Boonridge. Yes is was silly to put him in the deeds but at the time had no reason, after 7 years, to suspect his motives. However, as you say, I won't be giving him an easy ride on this - I will make it as difficult as possible. Thanks.
...............................
A
male
reader, Boonridge McPhalify +, writes (2 June 2010):
 just dont sell the house, it was a bit silly putting his name on the deeds but if he hasn't contributed any payments to it then i dont see how he is entitled to half of it. surely he would only be entitiled to what he put into it wether his name was on the deeds or not. did the solicitor say how much of the house he was entitled to? it just seems crazy to me that he can claim back money he never paid into it. make everything impossible for him, dig your heels in and stay put.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks DrPsych. No we were not married and his name is on the deeds. The house was in mine and another persons name, and we decided to take it on between us. This was only last April. As soon as we signed he went off with his current partner taking a lot of money from our joint account behind my back. As soon as I realised I moved the remainder so he couldn't touch it. He hasn't contributed to the mortgage since. He was gone before the first payment was due.I think it was planned and he intended to con me. I saw a solicitor at the time and was basically told 'so what'. I realise by law he will be entitled to half the house, but who said the law was always fair. He said a few days ago (by e-mail) that I had 7 days to decide what I'm doing so I will see what else he comes up with. I will be seeing a poliice liasion officer soon, but will see if he hands me more 'evidence' regarding these pics first. You are right tho , Dr, he must be desperate for money, I don't see why I should make it easy for him tho. I've had plenty of grief off his g/f too (tho I don't see this as her business)I don't think she earns that much. And I've found out now that he likes his drink and cocaine. It's all a bit of a mess but am feeling a bit stronger now. Thanks again. I'll keep you informed as things happen.
...............................
A
female
reader, DrPsych +, writes (2 June 2010):
 If he has been struck off for professional misconduct in social care, he is probably desperate for money. He is using extortion as a technique to hurry along the sale. You don't mention if you were married to this guy or not, or whether his name is on the deeds to your house. If you just lived with him and he is not on the deeds then his chances of obtaining money from a house sale are slim. In any event he would have to go to court to claim his share and that costs money which he probably hasn't got a lot of! I hope you are getting specialist legal advice about this. It is unlikely that any court would rule in such a way as to evict you from your main home for the purposes of releasing capital funds to the claimant. The citizens advice bureau and shelter can look into your specific case for you as they have solicitors working for them. Extortion and blackmail are criminal acts in the UK attracting a prison sentence of up to 14 years. Added to that, harassment laws have improved their protection of victim's in recent years. You should save all the documents you have from him and present them to the police. Go to them each and every time he does something wrong - verbally abuses you, threatens you, implies harm etc. You may also be able to enter them into any court proceedings about the house if your legal representative can present the context of his claim. If he acts in a way that you perceive to be threatening it is regarded as harassment in law and you can ask the court for an injunction to prevent him contacting you or behaving in a way as to cause distress. You should call women's aid for advice on this.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you everyone for your thoughtful and caring replies. It's good to know there are good people out there. I'll sit tight for a bit and see what comes up and let you know. Thanks again.
...............................
A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (1 June 2010):
 Well at the moment it seems like he is trying to provoke a response from you and it appears to be working. Here you are, very worried about what he might have done without your consent and all the while he is at home laughing knowing you are stressed out about all this.
Basically he has done nothing at the moment - he has not put these pics on the internet, he has not sent them to anyone, nor is he demanding anything from you. So at the moment nothing has happened therefore you really should not be worrying about this.
Even if he does have some photos of you (which lets face it, he could well be bluffing here) then they were taken while you were asleep, in the dark, on a mobile phone. Whatever the picture is of (it could be you snoring, it could be you naked...who knows!) then it is not going to be great quality, you probably cant even see anything in a dark room with a poor quality camera!
So think logically here instead of panicking:
1. There is a chance he may just be trying to wind you up and does not have any photos at all
2. Even if he does have photos - we do not know what they are of, and the chances are the quality will be very poor so you would be very hard to identify in them
3. He has not yet done anything with them so stay calm!
So what you need to do now is wait, and ignore his childish behaviour. He is clearly trying to get a reaction from you, he wants you to be worried, he wants to try and scare you. So what you need to do is the opposite of what he wants! Act calm, like you dont even care what these pictures are of. If he knows that he could do anything he likes with these pictures and it wont even bother you then he will give up because he will think that he wont be able to use them against you. Even if you are worried dont let him see this - pretend like you could not care less about these photos. If he speaks to you again and mentions them, just say something like "oh I dont even remember these photos, they cant have been that exciting if I was asleep! I would love to see them, I bet they are really funny".
That sounds very casual, like it is a joke to you (even though it is not) and he will realise that his little trick has not worked. You never know, he might send them then at least you know what you are dealing with. If he doesnt send them (now it is critical not to push him to see them otherwise he will know you are worried - so only ask once) then he either doesnt have any and was bluffing, or he has something else up his sleeve.
The only moment you need to get worried is when he starts demanding things in return for the photos - basically blackmail. This is when you go to the police right away and tell them everything.
But until then, you really dont know if this is just some silly game he is playing or if he actually is going to try and use them against you. If he is playing a game - then dont rise to it and laugh it off, showing you will not be fooled by him. If he does try and use them against you well then you have a case for blackmail and he will get into trouble with the police.
Dont let him have the upper hand here - you have the power in this situation. He is so desperate to get one over on you he is either making up stories or trying to blackmail you - so you can take control by not being worried!
I hope this helps and good luck!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2010): Keep any and all text and emails . Don't allow him to upset you . If he has the photo he would have sent you a preview . Go to the police . In his email he admited you were asleep when it was taken if it was . Proof you did not consent . You took this man out of your life for a reason please don't allow him to torture you . Show him you mean business
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Boonridge.
...............................
A
male
reader, Boonridge McPhalify +, writes (1 June 2010):
keep all records of these interactions and go to the police. DONT sell the house. this man is a massive twat. get more of these emails if you can and tell the police.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tashie08 +, writes (1 June 2010):
Ring the police. Blackmail alone is illegal, and if he has photo's of you that he hasn't got consent for,i'm pretty sure that the police will confescate them. If you still have his messages keep them as they can use them as evidence and any phone calls you get, record them if you can and keep a record of all conversations you have with him. I wish you the best of luck with this and hope it's sorted quickly x
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeygirl  +, writes (1 June 2010):
 Hun, keep all info you can and take it to the police. He is trying to blackmail you.
Dont fall for his nasty tricks.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks CaringGuy, I will do that. I'm just in shock at the moment.
...............................
A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (1 June 2010):
Very simple. This is blackmail. Keep everything he sends you, and go to the police. Then he will be taken in and placed right back on the list. Don't be blackmailed.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJust to add that I am 51 and the ex partner is 38.
...............................
|
