A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I need some advice please on how to handle a friends turned more situation. I have been spending time with this guy as a friend for the past year and in the last couple of weeks we have both confessed that we have feelings for each other. He lives about 350 miles away and he decided to take some time off work to come and visit me. We spent 5 lovely days together and towards the end of this time we became intimate, which was great! However, I am worried that we are TOO comfortable together. Although there is clearly chemistry between us I don't feel there was any romance there. We know each other really well and so dating felt more like hanging out with a friend than all the excitement of getting to know someone new. I raised this with him at the end of his trip and he agreed that being with me felt more comfortable than he had anticipated but that he was unsure whether that was a good or bad thing. He says he wants to give a long distance relationship a go but I am concerned that if it doesn't work out it will spoil our friendship. I really like him and want things to work but I'm concerned if we feel this way at the beginning of a relationship that he will grow bored quickly and then we will find it hard to make the return to being just friends. Should I take this risk?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2010): Why even worry about that? It's the temporary "honey moon" phase anyways. It only lasts a short while before you fall into exactly what you have right now. Besides, the way people act in the honeymoon phase is usually fake and you don't actually know what you're getting into. He's your friend. You know exactly what you're getting. Because really, the steps of a relationship with someone you don't know as well just go
honeymoon phase--friendship phase--true romance phase.
The final is the friendship phase added with what builds up due to all the compromise, love, and learning that develop over the years. Love is a lot more than just butterflies.
I mean I got the honeymoon phase with my fiance because I knew him for 3 days before we started dating. We've been together for 4 years solid now, and I really would have just preferred to have skipped that step and gotten on to what I got later on. The other two steps were so much more satisfying and truthful.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (1 June 2010):
 In a way this is good. Of course you don't get the excitement of meeting someone new... you already know him! Which is what is so great, you already know most things and can move on to the next level without much worry. You know he's not the kind of man to do this or that, get offended by this or that, you can be yourself and BE COMFORTABLE. Which is what, at least I, always look forward to when entering a relationship. I like that stage better. Its more comfortable than sitting around nervously wondering if you had broccoli between your teeth on the date and if he thinks you are hideous because of it. Or wondering of he is dating more women at the same time, wondering what crazy ex's he's had and fearing what skeletons will be falling out of the closet.
I see this not as a bad thing, only as you two being able to skip that first step. And then get on with the other step. Build a relationship, friendship is the best foundation for a solid one! And yours is probably the relationship that will come best out of a long distance relationship. It depends a little on your personalities as well, but you have the best predicaments.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2010): I'd say take the risk. You might be mistaking lack of mystery and excitement of being with someone new as a lack of passion. With relationships with friends, passion and chemistry take time to build but when it does, it lasts. It's kind of the opposite to the way new relationships with new people, at first there's the passion and excitement of getting to know someone and all the risks involved, the honeymoon phase if you will, when that's over you get to the friend stage.
Well it works the opposite way around when taking friendship to the next level. The fact that there's very little risk and very little mystery means the only new thing to explore is each others bodies. You might feel like you're missing out on the initial honeymoon period because you are already so close and comfortable but as I said, it will be a gradual build up as you both discover each others bodies and what makes you passionate in that way.
In this kind of relationship you have the advantage of already knowing what the person likes and dislikes the only problem with these kind of relationships is that what in a 'new relationship' comes naturally, actually takes time and effort. The spark has to built, the passion has to coaxed and released but once you've found a way to do that in each other, the benefits can be amazing.
My current girlfriend and I are just such a couple, we were good friends for 2 years before we got together, we basically knew each others minds inside and out. Initially we wondered if we'd ever get that weak at at the knees spark, the excitement but we kept going. We learned to do things to excite each other, eloborate romantic gestures, things we had the freedom to do now that we were a couple that we couldn't do as friends, frankly there were no limits to what we could do with each other because the romantic boundry had been crossed. I must stress though, it took a good bit of effort to come up with new and exciting things. It's hard to surprize someone that knows you really well but it's essential at the start. We've been together about 3 years now and a lot of those things have been built in to our routine. For example Friday night is her night, I finish way earlier than her on Fridays so I set up something romantic for the evening, I cook her favourite meal, give her a long massage with candles, scents, her favourite relaxation music, then crack open a bottle wine and run her a bath, wash her back talk about her day etc.
I've seen other friends get together that didn't put in this effort and they got bored quickly.
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