A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I've been going out with a classmate of mine for about 2 months now, and we've been sexually active lately. Now, a couple months ago I had a terrible breakup with my ex for 2 years. I've known my ex longer than that because we were originally best friends and he was the first I lost my virginity to. I want to make a point that I always believed you should do it with someone you love, and I loved him. This new guy I'm going out with, I'm not even too sure why I gave myself to him, I don't even deeply love him. I got introduced to him from a friend of mine and we got along pretty well. I guess you could say I decided to give him a chance because he was the only one who hadn't bothered to ask me out at that time. Don't get me wrong, he's a wonderful boyfriend who treats me right and even goes out of his way to buy me stuff I don't ask for. The problem is I'm afraid despite him breaking up with me when I needed him the most, I still have some leftover feelings for my ex. Everytime I have sex with my new boyfriend I can't help but cry most of the times because sadly I can't help but still think of my ex. My boyfriend wonders why when I already lost it but I don't know how or if I should bring it up to him one day. I also feel disgusted for just giving myself to him, especially since I know he loves me more than I think I might love him. I don't want to hurt my boyfriend but I also don't know what to make of my past. If anything, I don't even keep in contact with my ex because it was that painful for me.
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best friend, lost my virginity, my ex Reply to this Question
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female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (12 August 2011):
 *Hugs, but that is the thing you can understand. You do not have to give in.
DO not think that just because you are no longer a virgin, that you are not special. You still are and should be treated with respect. But first, you need to respect yourself and embrace your own self worth.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionBy the way, I just wanted to add on that sex wasn't what I wanted with my boyfriend at first. Originally I wanted to take it slow with him but my boyfriend insisted on doing it, since he's not a virgin and knows I'm not either. It is my fault for giving into him but I just wanted to make it clear that I didn't originally want to make him a rebound. The sex just so happened for reasons I sadly can't even explain. In addition, I wouldn't have sex with just anyone but I guess I trusted him enough to let him have it his way with me.
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A
female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (11 August 2011):
You need to stop having sex with this guy. You never grieved the last boyfriend and when you have sex with the new guy all those old sad feelings get kicked up because your brain is not agreeing with your heart.
You say you are with him because you need him. Is that really fair to use someone to help you get over the ex?
It really is ok to be celibate for awhile why you sort thru your feelings. If the new bf does not understand because you are cutting him off for awhile to PROTECT your own well being..then let him go. You are not obligated to have sex with him.
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A
female
reader, hannah76  +, writes (11 August 2011):
 You are clearly not over your first boyfriend and taking "love and affection" from another man. Sadly, you now know this doesn't work. It doesn't work because of how you are feeling. Sadly, you will have to tell your new boyfriend that you are not over your ex and that you have to stop things with him now. This will give you time to heal.
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A
female
reader, lerato29  +, writes (11 August 2011):
 you need to stop what you are doing,you are not in a space of having sex,you are still not over your ex and while you cry this guy maybe wondering what is it,is it him or what?stop sleeping with him or you will also hurt him.
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A
female
reader, sammy1986 +, writes (11 August 2011):
i wouldnt do anything sexual for a while i would rty get your head together first it sounds like you are not over your ex boyfriend yet it takes more than a couple of month to get over someone i would try explaining to your new boyfriend that you would like to take it slowly now and that you shouldnt of had sex with him yet as you are still hurting over the break up with your ex good luck hope things work out for you
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (11 August 2011):
 if you are crying during sex you need to stop having sex with this boy. and you need to tell him that you like him but you are not ready for sex... sounds like he cares enough about you that he will understand and if he does not then he's not the right boy for you anyway.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (11 August 2011):
 You're 16 years old and you've already had sex with two men? You're supposed to be going out with friends and dating guys, not having sex and thinking about whom you love. You're right when you say you should have sex with someone you truly love, but there's a time in life when you figure that out, when you're older and capable of taking proper decisions.
You say you "don't even deeply love" the second guy, then why did you end you end up sleeping with him? Sex is not just about the physical act, it has a much deeper connotation. Save yourself for the right person OP, dont just do stuff you're not even sure of. What are you getting out of this? Neither are you satisfied and happy,nor is your BF. That's not the feeling sex should leave you with. It should be a part of a meaningful, committed, adult relationship, when you're absolutely sure of the step you're taking.
Take a break for a bit, its not even fair on your boyfriend.You cant undo what's been done, but you can stop it from happening further. You're still not over your ex, and you need to focus in that first.The answer to mending a broken heart doesn't lie in a rebound relationship. Be by yourself for a bit, you're too young to be in sexual relationships. Your body may be ready for it,but your mind isint.
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A
male
reader, jitz.com +, writes (11 August 2011):
hey... you need to hold back on the sex 4 awhile... until you you know what you want in the relationship. love is not only about sex or buying each other stuffz, it means more than that... it means the 1 you love will always be buy you no matter what, even after yourl break up... thats unconditional love...
i think you should tell your boyfriend how you feel about your ex... be honest with him... cause if he had to find out any other way then it will be sad cause then he will think that you just used him has a re-bound, which is not good, be straight up with him, yes its going to hurt, but better to be honest than to lie in the relationship.
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A
male
reader, Kyle007 +, writes (11 August 2011):
Hey, I need to post again on this, because one of the answerers made a very dangerous comment:
"What you should do is delay the sex until you are sure you can open yourself totally to this new guy."
Um, yeah. It would be one thing if you never did it, but once you start having sex, you really can't go back to the handholding-keep-your-clothes-on stage. Telling a guy "Hey, lets keep dating without the sex we were having before" is probably worse than manually removing his fingernails. It JUST DOESN'T WORK THAT WAY.
The guy wants sex, and now that is an assumed part of your relationship. If you feel uncomfortable giving it to him, have the decency to let him get it somewhere else, and make a clean break.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2011): A couple of months sometimes isn't enough time to get over someone you spent multiple years with. What you've described here is not being 'over' your ex, and being too emotionally damaged to be dating someone else right now.
It's not fair to your current boyfriend that you think about your ex and are obviously upset and missing him. I think it's in line that you talk to your current boyfriend about what you're feeling. You've only been with him two months, so that's probably not enough time to even really get to know a person well and be bonded like you must've been with your boyfriend of two years.
I highly suggest taking time to better yourself before delving back into the dating world. It's not worth the emotional pain you're experiencing, and it's not worth hurting someone else in the process. I know exactly what you're feeling, and I can tell you that you'll feel a lot better if you spend time making yourself happy without having to worry about whether you're making someone else happy.
Best of luck.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (11 August 2011):
 You gave yourself to this new guy because you want love right now and you hope that the sex would replace the loving feeling you had lost. Unfortunately it didn't. For you sex is associated with love and since you are not sure if you love the new guy, your ex is the only you could think of, the only one you had loved deeply. What you should do is delay the sex until you are sure you can open yourself totally to this new guy. It's true time will heal. One thing you have to ask yourself. If your ex contacted you and wanted you back, would you take him back? This question is very important because even though you had this pain in you, there is a part of you that wants to forgive him and start over again. You have to be very sure that there is no chance of reconciliation before you can start another relationship.
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A
male
reader, Jjang19 +, writes (11 August 2011):
If your 16/17 and having sex after just dating a guy 2 months, that should be a sign to take a step back and slow down. Stop doing things you're not comfortable with
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A
male
reader, Kyle007 +, writes (11 August 2011):
The end result of sex is supposed to be a satisfying climax, not tears over your ex.
If you can't get over your ex, and/or you don't think you should be sleeping with your current because it was too fast or your feelings aren't as strong, then you really should end this.
Don't be afraid to hurt someone by breaking up with them if that is what you should do.
The more posts I read I realize that being afraid of hurting someone has got to be the #1 problem in relationships.
My advice? You gotta hurt someone if necessary. As long as you have good reason, and you are not out to just hurt for the sake of hurting, then it is justified.
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