A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I am trying to understand and realizing what happen in my relationship. Ive been with my fiance for 6 years and soon to be marry. If i accept his proposal 3 years ago maybe now we have our own family which i wish for.The reason why i still dont agree on marriage although i want it badly is because i am still confused about our relationship. I love him. Im proud of him. He has a good character. He cares about me and he is a hardworker man which i respect highly. He treats me well when we met. He did sweet gesture such as feed me his food when we eat to try, give what i like although he likes it too,warm me when im cold, deliver medicines when im sick, try to make me happy and never forget our important event etc. He also promise me to make me happy as his life partner and would give financial authority to me after we marry. We both love kids and he would always bring his nephew playing and make them around me when we meet. He never judge me and i feel so comfortable with him. In the other hand, in the past he lied to me several times and other mistakes, and it cause a serious trust issues and i have low self esteem. Im always anxious about his whereabout,what he is doing,and with whom he is. He sometimes like to blame things on me such as traffic jam in saturday night. I know its funny. It happen in our last date. He initially seem happy to meet me and our night went well and to the parking lot,he said why theres always jam in sat night and thats why he hates going anywhere om sat night and prefer to stay at home. He blame me to invite him to mall( he doesnt reject or said anything when he asked me where i want to go).He often blames me in the end. When we go for dinner for example, he always asked me what i love to eat, he always let me choose and when i finally chose,we go there and he seems uninterested and mumbling about the food or things that im the end make me feel guilty and uncomfortable. I must admit that our communication isnt good enough.I dont know whether its normal and common in other relationship? I dont even know what is really happening between us. I dont know his real feeling for me and unsure about what he loves about me. He seems love me deeply (all his relatives and people around him give me that impression by what their comments). He want to marry me badly and promise to build a happy family with me. He just wish im not insecure and trust him. I know he is ready for a family and me to want to have kids badly. Am i right to worry and unsure about this? Any advice and opinion are highly apprrciated.
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male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (11 November 2016):
This is...and we hope...a forever decision. The last thing you want is to marry him and then regret it after.
Women have very strong intuitions. If you feel very uncomfortable before your marriage, I would say you need to really dig down inside and find out if this is right for you.
A woman should be happy and can't wait to get married. Not worried about if she should or not.
Speak to him about how he makes you feel. See if he makes an effort to change...wait a year. If he still does not change, then you know what you need to do.
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (11 November 2016):
 I don't really see any major problems from what you say apart from the fact that you both seem to like different things. You, for instance, like going to the mall on a Saturday night and while he obliges, its not something that he enjoys. You also seem to have different tastes when it comes to food and this is perfectly normal! I don't really see what the problem is!
My husband and I have completely different likes and dislikes. I love dressing up and going out while he prefers to stay at home, I gorge on junk food while he cant stand it(!), we like watching different things on TV...I could go on...but my point is, never has this come between us. If anything, it just makes things more interesting because its only because of his influence that I have started watching the news more while he's started enjoying watching shows that I like, say for instance, The Big bang Theory! I love Chinese food and he didnt like it much earlier, but now he loves the spicy chicken and noodles that I make for him...and I in turn have grown to develop a taste for the food he likes.
What I'm trying to say is, embrace your differences rather than being so touchy about it. Many years back, I was watching a chat show on TV and there was a marriage counselor who said, the most successful and happy marriages are not among people who like the same thing but surprisingly among couples, who like different things. That way, you get to do things you may have never tried earlier or would probably never do even if you had the choice. It just makes life much more interesting and fun!
You are right when you say that communication is a problem with you two. He shouldn't be passive-aggressive and you shouldn't be so touchy. You should laugh about these things and make the most of your time together rather than have it drive such a wedge between you. Of course I dont know how he is temperamentally because some people are just very difficult to get along with and generally ill-tempered but that is something you would know best.
Does he behave properly with you? Is he abusive? Has he ever cheated on you or given you a reason to doubt him? Do you think this is a man you could live your entire life with, have kids with? These are questions that you have to ask yourself. Remember, differences of opinions will always be a part of a couples life...its inevitable...its how you deal with those differences that matters.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (11 November 2016):
 First of all, NO relationship is perfect. Everyone has flaws. You have them, he has them. We are all human. Most people will tell you there are things about their life partners that drive them mad. Secondly, in my experience, people who wait years to get married usually go through with it in the end because it is a "make or break" situation. By this I mean that they reach a stage in their relationship where they have to decide whether to move forward (get married) or break up. Because they have both invested a lot of time in the relationship, and because many people are basically insecure and would rather stay with someone familiar than risk being on their own, they get married. Almost invariably, these marriages are short lived as one or both partners quickly realizes it was not what they wanted after all. Your boyfriend's comments about things being your fault could be (a) misinterpreted by you - he may not mean that at all, (b) his way of controlling you by making you feel guilty, or (c) down to stress (people can lash out at the people closest to them when they are stressed - we all cope with stress differently). What stands out to me (and worries me) about your post is that, firstly, you have waited all these years and are STILL not sure you want to marry this man. We have a "gut instinct" for a reason - to protect us. Maybe your gut instinct is right when it tells you he is not to be trusted.Secondly, how can you two have been in a serious relationship all these years yet you still do not talk to each other about the things that really matter, like how he makes you feel when he says certain things to you? Next time he does something which makes you feel uncomfortable in any way, why can you not say to him "You see, this is the sort of thing which hurts me and makes me uncomfortable. This is the sort of thing which makes me uncertain I want to spend the rest of my life with you. Why do you do this?" and see what he says. Can you look 10 or 20 years ahead and envisage sharing every day of your life with this man? There are no guarantees in ANY relationship but nobody should be going into a marriage full of doubts.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2016): Have you asked a similar question before on here OP? If you are concerned or unsure or unhappy then the answer is you're not wrong to not be marrying him. What strikes me about your post is that there is such a focus of what he wants, what he suggests, what his hopes dreams and expectations are. If you allow yourself more head space to think, really think about your future and your needs I think you will be clearer on your conclusion.
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A
female
reader, fishdish  +, writes (11 November 2016):
 I can't tell if you're being overly sensitive about the past without knowing more about what you feel he did wrong. If you want to move forward with him though why don't you try to trust him, or tell him specifically what he can do to earn your trust. I would also say to him that you want the two of you to be better about compromise-if he wants to eat at restaurant A and you want restaurant B, either decide to go to restaurant C or make the decision that next time will be his choice. It is passive aggressive of him to try to make it look like it's your choice but then you're made to feel bad about your choice that's not gentlmanly or mature at all.
I think I need more info to know whether marriage is something that would BE advisable or not at this point.
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