A
female
age
36-40,
*oublea99
writes:***Before I begin, please don't judge me for what I did, I already know it was wrong, and I feel horrible***I am enganged at an amazing man who I love very much, our wedding is about a week away. This past weekend my girlfriends and I went to Vegas for a bachelorette party of sorts. Well,i over did it on the partying... got way to drunk and ended up having sex with another man there. I didnt know what came over me, or what possesed me to do that, but as soon as I left his room, feelings of fear, shame, shock and disgust all overwhelmed me. I have never cheated or had the desire to cheat on my fiance ever.It was been two days since I got back, and I feel sick to my stomach. I can't even look my fiance in the eye right now, and am on the brink of tears when he is around me. He asks me whats wrong and I just tell him that I got sick in Vegas and had a rough time. I just want to confess what I did, tell him how much I love him and appologize but I'm scared. I told my best friend, and only she knows...she doesnt think I should tell him, she thinks i should just think of it as a mistake and move on with our lives. I don't know if i can live with myself if keep this from him, but I'm he will leave me if he knows what happend. Any insight or suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, ArtfulToker  +, writes (4 April 2012):
 Dont say you love your boyfriend because people who love someone DO NOT cheat on them, whatever the circumstances.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2012): Agreed.
Truth is a power that wants to be made known.
It will be revealed and not necessarily by your hand. That discovery will even be more devastating and destructive.
You go against your nature to be a loving, honest woman by denying him the truth of things.
You cannot be the Wife you claim you desire to be when today, at this moment, you do not even live it.
So lie and lie some more and pile it on. Eventually it will overwhelm and you will be left on your own, with the consequences.
Whereas you could have the support now, with counselling, and working with him to heal and build the friendship and relationship into something stronger.
*shakes head*
Wisdom- you lack it and that is what makes life so unhappy and painful for others. By your lack of it and by you not wanting to live by it.
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female
reader, adamantine  +, writes (3 April 2012):
 Not sure what to say that no one else has already said - just that I agree with most people here. You need to tell him. Taking this to the grave is such a cop out.
Face up to what has happened. Give your fiancee the right to choose whether he wants to be married to someone who cheated on him a week before his wedding.
It's going to come out sooner or later. Who is to say you'll still be friends with that friend you told this to in 5 years? What if you have a huge fight and you're no longer friends and she tells someone and it somehow gets back to your fiancee? It's like sending nudes to a boyfriend - you don't do it unless you're OK with your face ending up on the internet.
Anyway, if you don't tell, it will just come back around eventually and hit you even harder than it would have had you fessed up when you first did it. Good luck handling that.
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male
reader, JustHelpinAgain  +, writes (3 April 2012):
I am amazed in this day and age where sex is the cheapest commodity around and casual sex with total strangers is pretty much then norm that here on DC morality still has a chance, good on us, aunt and uncles, I hope the world is a bit better off because of us!
OP, as you realise, you messed up big time, I don't know if the answers you received were what you expecting but if you are lucky you will get away with this. Very bad that you told you best friend. She will have a partner and she will tell her partner about you and if your husband to be meets and becomes friends with your friends partner he will find out his wife lied to him their whole marriage. This is almost certain. I suggest you ex your best friend, even better she doesn't come to your wedding to remind you, and try to move away from where you are.
Maybe you can forgive yourself, it was a last fling befor marriage, if you were so drunk it probably wasn't that good and maybe you will recall in the future that it wasn't worth it and you won't let it happen again. And maybe when your husband in a moment of drunken weakness has sex with a stranger you will mysteriously be very understanding and forgive him. Just maybe. Good luck and have a happy wedding and never forget how lucky you are.
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male
reader, Serpico +, writes (3 April 2012):
You absolutely have a moral obligation to tell him, for more reasons than I have time or energy to write here, and yes, BEFORE the wedding. He has every right to know. You made your decision, give him the right to make his.
For all the people saying "dont tell him," my question to you is what if that was your bf on his bachelor party? You of course would say he shouldnt tell you? Right?
Everyone makes "mistakes," but that doesnt in itself absolve one from living with their consequences.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (3 April 2012):
 Quoting KC_100 because it's CRITICAL to this whole thread:
"At the end of the day you know that going back to a guy's room equals sex. You didnt want to 'chat' - you knew this guy was into you and you were flattered by the attention, and when he came onto you, you wanted it to happen."
NO woman goes back to a man's hotel room to CHAT. that's what you do in a bar or a hotel lobby or out by the pool
HOTEL rooms are for showers, sleeping and SEX... nothing more.
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female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (3 April 2012):
 There have been a lot of great answers here, but I just wanted to add something else in:
I can 100% promise you now that if you dont tell him, then you will definitely cheat again. This is coming from someone who has cheated in the past, not told the boyfriend, said to myself "I will NEVER do that again" yet a while later, oops guess what happens again.
At the end of the day you know that going back to a guy's room equals sex. You didnt want to 'chat' - you knew this guy was into you and you were flattered by the attention, and when he came onto you, you wanted it to happen.
If you dont tell your fiance, and somehow your friends keep quiet then once the guilt has died down you will realise that you have gotten away with it. And when you know you can get away with it, without consequence, it makes it easier to go out and do it again, and again.
I never wanted to cheat on my boyfriend, I never planned it - but it happened once. I got away with it. And it happened again, not because I wanted to, but because I ended up in a similar situation and knew in the back of my mind I got away with it so I might as well again. After all, if you have cheated once you have already done the damage, so why not keep cheating?
You cannot start a marriage based on lies. You cant trust yourself now when you are out without your partner, you cannot be sure you are not going to cheat again - you have to tell him. I know you dont want to see him hurt, but that is because you dont want to face up to the reality of what you have done. At the moment what you have done is not real, because it is locked up in your head. As soon as you tell him it becomes real, and reality hurts.
I cannot stress enough how important it is to tell him now, this marriage is not going to work and you must come clean. It is not your decision to make - at the end of the day you have been unfaithful so it is your fiance's decision whether or not he can stay with you.
He will find out one day, the truth will get out, and it will be so much worse if it comes from a friend rather than from you. You cannot be 100% sure anymore that it wont happen again, because the unthinkable happened in the first place, therefore you have to tell him.
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (3 April 2012):
 I think that you'll end up wanting to share this with him sooner or later. I imagine years down from now, if you and him still have a wonderful relationship, you'll look at other couples and think "they are so open and honest with each other, I wish I could have that". And eventually, if you are getting closer to your husband, you'll have this big secret of yours in the way of getting true intimacy between you and him. You'll want to get rid of this secret eventually, and tell him.
It is better then that he knows NOW, that if he knows 5 years from now. Because he'll feel that you have lied to him for all that time (which you have), rather than feel you kept just ONE secret. If you tell him now it'll be ONE thing you did wrong. If you tell him 5 years from now it'll not be ONE thing, it'll be 5 years of wrong-doings and lies. Which is a lot worse. So either you tell him now or you never tell at all for the rest of your life and die with this secret, and it'll always be there to hinder you from sharing true intimacy with your husband...
Think about it, and think about what's good in the long run. You can always ask him a hypothetical question "If you were cheated on, would you want to know?".
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2012): I kind of figured the OP would take the easy way out....it sure makes it all good for her, now doesn't it?
I really feel sorry for this Fiance and the kind of women he is about to get married to....wow.
My final comment....Karma is a bitch and it's going to come back around....eventually....it ALWAYS does.... ALWAYS.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2012): Wow, this thread is quite interested: I'm amazed at the different opinions and more amazed by the OPs admissions.So OP u flirt with this guyYour friends wanted to leave but u didn'tYou knew EXACTLY what u were going to do when u went to his room RIGHT?I'm glad u set the record straight: I never did think that u were raped/or forced to have sex. U just gave it away freely! I'm surprised as to how u have reasoned this: everything u are now doing is to benefit yourself: hun, trust me when I say that your secret is NOT safe. People will out u as a cheater. U decide whether u tell hubby to be or someone else disgraces u. Your actions were Very Deliberate. You WANTED to CHeat: that is the difference. Don't kid yourself that u won't cheat again. U will!! Why? Bec u now know how easy it is to lie and pretend! Hey I'm hoping that the clueless fiance also had wild sex at his stag. After all what's good for the goose is better for the gander and vice versa! OP for now u may think that u got away with everything. Don't be too sure . Condoms? U were so involved in the act that u didn't care about them. If u are knocked up will u try to pass of the kids as your new husbands??? When this thread started I knew the OP would not take ownership and would choose to hoodwink her fiance. I didn't need a crystal ball to see this: its funny how u tend to read people accurately even over the net. LoveGirl
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2012): You messed up your future that night . you took off your clothes and had sex with a stranger . It will come back and bite your Arse when you least expect it rest assured on that one Nobodys perfect,far from it , part of growing up is accepting responsibility for our mistakes dont mess up 2 lives for YOUR benefit.
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female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (3 April 2012):
 You've decided what you want and that's OK, everyone doesn't have a conscience. I feel sorry for your fiance though. Anyway, its your life and your decision but remember, "telling the truth and making someone cry is better than telling a lie and making someone smile".
Keep in mind though, what goes around, comes around.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (3 April 2012):
If you are going to lie to him (which is reprehensible in my opinion and NOT a good way to start a marriage)
I strongly suggest a full medical work up for any and all STDs... I'm betting you slept with him since you "think" you used a condom.
if you got an STD and passed it on to him.. what will you do? how will you explain it?
I think by lying to him you set a precedent...
let's say that eventually he cheats on you and he has the balls to tell you the truth... will you then be so hurt and angry you will throw it in his face what you did all those years before... "oh yeah well we are even because remember that girls weekend in vegas..."
Honesty is the best policy....
if you don't tell him and he finds out, you have destroyed his trust more than anything.
no good comes from lies.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (3 April 2012):
 The truth have a way of coming out sooner or later, the only thing you CAN control is the timing, by telling him.
I think it's a total cop out to NOT tell him. The fact that you can't be honest with him about this says a lot about you.
Own your action, think before you do. And if you have so little self control when alcohol is involved you need to lay of the sauce.
I feel sorry for your fiancee.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2012): It doesn't matter what you would want if the situation was reversed. Because you aren't the one who got cheated on. I cannot think of any man I have ever met who would not want to know the truth, especially right before they got married.
-- "While i was pretty drunk, im fairly certain that we used a condom. I'm on birth control, so no worries about that or STD's"
Here we go, more irresponsible rationalizing. Condoms reduce some risk. They do not come close to eliminating it. They do little against Herpes.
Would you have sex with a person that you knew for a fact had HIV and a genital Herpes outbreak, just because you were "pretty sure" that you put on a condom?
Exactly.
I doubt you would want to take that risk even if you knew for sure that the condom was worn. The protection of a condom sounds a lot more valuable when it's an excuse for you to keep quiet about cheating. It starts to sound a lot less comforting when it might be YOUR ass on the line, doesn't it?
This is the pattern I see in your thinking and actions. Do whatever you feel like doing and then talk yourself out of taking any responsibility for how it affects others.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2012): So you are probably gonna go with what happens in vegas stays in vegas hey, gonna lie cause you cant be an adult and accept your consequences. Gonna make a decision on your own selfishness, im not gonna take it to much farther than that, YouWish has a good point.
Last advice, tell him and atleast save honesty, cause if somehow it leaks down the road, you lose trust and honesty, with devastation to your family, all by the excuse of to many cocktails...sad, hope you do the right thing.
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (3 April 2012):
 You *did* have a bright future ahead of you. Now you don't.
You do realize that you went to Vegas with friends, right? They know what went down there. They know you were disloyal, even though I'm sure you denied getting naked with a stranger.
You want to not tell as to not feel the consequences of your actions. But it's GOING to happen. You were with friends, so it's going to come out, and you will have to answer for what you did. You're going to have to lie about what happened.
Five years later, you have a toddler, and the truth comes out. Then it's not only your husband's life you ruined. It's your kid's. This stuff comes out. Don't think it doesn't.
You cannot build a life together on such a shaky and false foundation. You may think "Oh, it's just a simple mistake". The hell it is! You're not really worried about devastating HIM. You're worried about it devastating yourself. His reaction. His utter revulsion at what you did, leading to his possible rejection of you.
Do not marry him until it's resolved. You think a condom protected you? Nope. How many people cheated secretly on their partners, which in turn got them sick?
Every day from now, you are living a lie. You are lying every day. You are lying about love and faithfulness. Your wedding vows will be lies. Your wedding night will be lies. The ring you put on his finger showing your undying and singular love will be a symbol of your lies.
You think it's just a one time slip-up? Nope. You're lying every day. You'll have to lie to yourself. The stress of keeping up your lies will have a toll on your health, causing you to possibly seek a medical remedy. It won't help. You'll be eaten up from the inside, terrified of what a friend might say who was there. Terrified that in the middle of a fight, something will slip out. Terrified that he'll see something on your phone and email that will alert him.
Oh yes. There are much worse things than telling him and losing him. There's not telling him and losing everything you are. Every ounce of ethics, integrity, love, and honor. You will be a liar and a cheat as long as you insist on covering it up.
You can't rationalize that if it were you, you wouldn't want to know. We both know that that's another lie you tell to salve your conscience. It won't work. You'll feel guilt every time he tells you you're beautiful, or the woman of his dreams, or he does nice things to you. You can't make up cheating on him by being nice going forward.
You need to tell him now before you bring innocent children into the world in order to devastate them with your lies.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2012): Lots of people say you should live with the guilt yourself and that telling him is to unload your guilt unfairly on him. I don't buy into the notion that you are some sort of martyr for keeping secret the fact that you betrayed your fiance.
Even if you tell him, you will not stop feeling guilty just because you confessed. You will still feel horrible from seeing the pain you've caused him. In fact you will probably feel even worse than if you keep the secret because your life will unravel quite suddenly and possibly irreversibly. it's hard not to be reminded of that fact every day for a long long time to come. Whereas if you keep the secret you can sort of bury it in your mind and train yourself not to think about it live the rest of your life in denial. If you want to punish yourself as 'atonement' for the wrong you did, it's not by keeping it a secret but by telling him and letting the truth be known.
So really, keeping this secret is in the end primarily for your own benefit and not for his. it's so you spare yourself from seeing the pain you cause him, and sparing yourself from experiencing other people knowing what you did and thinking badly of you, and so you don't lose him despite what you did. Repeat: keeping this a secret benefits primarily yourself.
bear in mind too that you can't predict the future. You never know if he'll find out some day some how. Then what?? Even to the other poster below who said his friend cheated and kept secret and now is happily married with two kids who otherwise wouldn't have happened if he had confessed his infidelity cos the wife wouldn't have married him - no matter how long ago the infidelity happened doesn't change the fact that that is one marriage and family that is built on a lie. It's far too soon to declare a happy ending, it may still all come crashing down some day, you never know the wife could still find out next year, 5 years or 10 years from now, who knows. If something major had happened, there's always a possibility it will get found out some time.
I'm not going to advise you whether you should tell him or keep the secret. I'm just pointing out that keeping this a secret isn't exactly the noble self-sacrificing option that many on here are claiming. It is a totally and completely selfish choice. whether you choose it or not is up to you. But at least acknowledge it for what it is.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2012): dont you think he deserves a woman that would never cheat on him and respect him?.......a woman that wouldnt even put her self in that kind of situation?...... Your selfish, when he ends up cheating on you one day..... dont even think about getting upset . And when he tells you..... your heart will ache so bad because he was able to come clean while you remained a coward .
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female
reader, doublea99 +, writes (3 April 2012):
doublea99 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks to all that replied. I do appreciate it. Just to follow up on what some of you have said:My friends did not encourage me in anyway or even know what happened. They were tired and wanted to leave the club, I wasnt and still wanted to dance. They wanted me to leave too, I insisted on staying and said i'd be home shortly.I did not get raped. He asked if I wanted to go back to his room, I said yes. I told him I had a fiance, and just wanted to chat. He understood. We talked, had some more drinks, next thing i know my clothes were off. Bottom line... I flirted with him, I put myself in that situation. While he pushed for it to happen, i went along with it. I was not forced. While i was pretty drunk, im fairly certain that we used a condom. I'm on birth control, so no worries about that or STD'sA few of you have asked if I would like to know if the situation is reversed. If it was a one time mistake and there was no way he would do anything like that again, I think I would NOT want to know. So as it stands right now, I am leaning towards not saying anything. The news would devistate him and hurt him beyond repair. I think i would rather bare the pain of what I did on my own in secret than put him through pain, hurt and humiliation that the news would bring him. Emotinoally, I have been doing better since I think I know what Im going to do. Just erase what happened from my head and move foward. We have a bright future ahead of us, I rationalize that it shouldnt be ruined by my stupid mistake. I know what i did was wrong, and keeping it from him might be wrong as well, but I just cant stand the thought of losing him. I will keep this secret till the day I die and spend the rest of my life making it up to him and being the best wife to him i can be.
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female
reader, Wisdom +, writes (3 April 2012):
 Depends... If you are serious about making your marriage work then no don't tell him, YOu wnat to confess to make you feel better not him. this will hurt him and there is a chance you will loose him.
Having said that, if you really can't not tell him then do it sooner rather than later. Just make sure you tell him for the right reasons and not to relieve your won guilt.
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male
reader, Paradise_Lost +, writes (2 April 2012):
 I don't think I can contribute much because I'd tell you to tell your fiance about the incident but that's only going to lead to you two breaking up...
But I'd like to point out that you have terrible frends. How can they let you do this? They should've prevented you from having sex with that man for two reasons:
1. Technically if you were really "drunk" then you were raped.
2. Come on. Why would they let you cheat on your fiance!?
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2012): If the situation was reversed- would you not be devastated at such a loving bond of friendship and trust being betrayed?
Wouldn't you feel you deserved the truth if after months or years, and the lie accrued and you discovered your spouse was capable of lying to you thusly to such a degree; as the ultimate, cruel, mean hearted, selfish lie of all time?
Its best to be accountable, adult, responsible and take your remorse, guilt, shame as an inner moral compass doing its best to inform you you do what is right, and own up to your actions and recklenesses and account for your cheating.
Forgiveness and healing to you both will take time.
Is such a love not worth fighting to keep and repair?
Would you not hope for the same courage, strength, and honesty?
You instinctively know what to do- and it is to do what is right and confess and accept the consequences of your choices/actions.
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male
reader, JustHelpinAgain +, writes (2 April 2012):
One more point, what about these girlfriends you were with? did they goad you on or were they all looking for a one night stand? You may get sympathy for the mess you are in but you did it. It is like a drunk who gets into a car and crashes into people, you messed up, your life is probably altered from the dumb thing you did. But maybe it was a message to yourself that you don't really want to be married?
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female
reader, chigirl +, writes (2 April 2012):
You never had the desire to cheat before. You never cheated before either.
"Well,i over did it on the partying... got way to drunk and ended up having sex with another man there. "
Exactly what happened? Did you pass out on the bed and woke up to him undressing you, or did you ask him to join you in your bed? I just find it odd that if you sincerely have no wish or interest to sleep with another man.. why would you? Just being drunk doesn't mean you automatically get horny for other men, besides you've been drunk before in your life and didn't cheat then.
So evaluate whether you cheated or if you were date-raped. If you actually cheated then I say own up to your action.
If you were date-raped then tell your fiancee and then the police. Did he use a condom or are you also running the risk of pregnancy now?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2012): "[Best friend] doesnt think I should tell [fiance], she thinks i should just think of it as a mistake and move on with our lives."
Best friend is wrong. If your drinking led to you having sex with a total stranger, then you didn't make a mistake; you have a problem with alcohol.
"I don't know if i can live with myself if keep this from him, but I'm [afraid] he will leave me if he knows what happend."
Too bad. You chose to drink, you had sex with a total stranger, if you don't own up to your problems with alcohol and promiscuity then you will be trapping fiance into marriage under false pretenses.
Do the right thing and at the very least postpone your wedding while you undergo a medical evaluation; you should be concerned about the detrimental effect(s) alcohol has on you.
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male
reader, JustHelpinAgain +, writes (2 April 2012):
If both you and your fiance have a number of casual sex partners in your past that there is a chance that he can accept what you did. Any other situation and you owe him the chance to meet another woman who doesn't do what you did. If he meant that much to you then you would not have done what you did irrespective of being drunk. Without being too judgemental I don't know how you could go through with your wedding without breaking down and crying, and if you tell him I don't know how he could go through a wedding with the thought of you willingly having sex with a stranger only a week before. Whatever you do get checked for stds and maybe pregnancy.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (2 April 2012):
Imagine him posting here in 5 years:
"I just found out my wife lied to me and our entire marriage is a sham... she had sex with some random stranger at her bachelorette party in Vegas before we married. I feel so betrayed... I can never trust her again."
You must tell him the truth.
but the bigger issue is that the fact that you were drunk does not excuse you... being drunk makes it easier to do what you know is wrong...
do you think if you were that drunk you would steal?
do you think if you were that drunk you would murder?
Do you think if you were that drunk you would HURT A CHILD?
so why do you think that being that drunk made you sleep with someone else?
I think that being drunk just makes it easier to do what you really wanted to do... and blame it on the alcohol....
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female
reader, Anonymous 123 +, writes (2 April 2012):
This isnt as complicated as it sounds because you have two very clear options and its either this or that.
Either you tell him the truth and leave it to him to decide OR you don't say a single word, carry on with life as it is and never ever mention this to him. The risks involved in the first scenario are that he would call off the wedding and your life will be in shambles. If you don't tell him, you can try and put it behind you but remember it will haunt you forever.
Its like choosing between the devil and the deep sea. Not a good position to be in, but you've made your bed, now you have to lie on it
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2012): If "carrying the guilt" is doing what is in my partner's best interests once, then why not just keep on cheating and keep it a secret too?
Of course people don't plan on ever doing it again in these situations. Lots of cheaters never plan on doing it again. Just like they never planned on doing it the first time.
I know a man who never planned on giving his wife a disease the first time he cheated. My friend knows a woman who never planned on being unsure if her husband really fathered their child. All kinds of unjustifiable secrets get kept on the premise of "I'll never do that again."
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2012): IMHO, I feel you should tell him, and you should also cancel this wedding until further notice. You are not ready to be married...no matter how much you say you love him and how wonderful he is...you still made a choice to have sex with another man. I am not trying to beat you up while you are down, I am just telling you the truth. If the two of you are really meant to be together, you can take the time to work through it, go to counceling if nessesary, but starting off a marriage like this...you will not likely make it.
It seems like it will be a lot easier not to tell him, and leave your confession on here, but the reality is, it will always hang over your head. I would also seriously consider making that the last time you ever drink like that....if you've done it once, and found out what you are really capable of doing under the influence, it will surely happen again.
Learn from this mistake, take responsibility, deal with the consequences and don't take the easy way out and think you are going to bury this secret.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (2 April 2012):
Unless you want it to be constantly nagging YOU for the rest of your relationship/marriage with your man, you need to come clean and tell him.
And I agree being drunk is no excuse.
Own your action, put on your big girl panties and tell him. Wouldn't YOU want to know if he cheated on you?
You can't put something as BIG as this under the rug.
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male
reader, Yos  +, writes (2 April 2012):
 If you tell him, you will take the pain from you and give it to him. Do doesn't deserve this, neither do you. This is your burden to bear.
You have two choices.
- Tell him. Before you marry. He will leave you.
- Take this to your grave without ever mentioning it again. You must NEVER mention it to him, not 10 years from now, not 20. You will carry the guilt forever. But ... you can see that as your punishment for what you have done. That may help you internalize and rationalize the pain you feel now.
To marry him and tell him after would be the most terrible thing you can do to him. If you feel you cannot keep this to yourself for the rest of your life, you must tell him right now.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2012): OP I think the one thing everyone here has forgotten to approach is what he would want.
I think after what has happened you have to stop thinking about you and think what he would want in this situation.
Would he want to know? Would he want to walk down the aisle with a woman who has slept with another man just a week beforehand? Would he rather not know? Would he rather that you got over this and moved on without telling and without ever doing it again? Will you do it again? Honestly, is that something that will happen again? Because you will be that drunk again and you will have other opportunities.
Forget what we think, forget what your friend thinks and forget what you think. Your partner is the one you betrayed, what would he want?
One of my closest friends did the same thing, he slept with someone while on holiday. He never said anything and I'm the only person who knows. I'm very close to him and his now wife and I knew back then for a fact that cheating was her worst fear, it was the one thing she would not get over and after lots of hypotheticals with her before it happened she always told me that if it happened once as a mistake she'd rather not know. If it wasn't a deliberate, thought out act and it would not happen again then she saw no reason she should know. So he never told her.
For years the guilt plagued him, but it went away because he realized that by suffering that pain and not feeling he should ease his own conscience by telling her he felt he did the right thing by suffering to ensure her happiness. He has two kids now that wouldn't have happened if he told her so he's well over it.
Personally I would want to know, so I could end it and move on. But for you the choice has to be made on what he wants and what is best for him.
I wish you luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2012): that would be the silliest thing to do to tell him. It ment nothing to you, you love your future husband and thats it to it. Whats done is done, dont beat yourself over it. All these advices here come from people who suddenly feel superior to you because they are probably such an "angels" who never did anything of a sort. We all have sceletons in a closet.
And talking about fairness, well life is not fair, and sometimes you need to be in charge of a situation and think what would be smart thing to do:to be fair or to be a smart woman
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reader, GoodDog +, writes (2 April 2012):
 My thoughts are the same as most of the others here - best you tell your partner about what's happened.
Also, you're best friend knows about it...that's one person too many, even if she is a trusted, lifelong friend.
It's not going to be easy for either of you, but believe me, being open and honest is the best thing you have to offer right now.
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female
reader, Foot-In-My-Mouth  +, writes (2 April 2012):
 While telling him is the right thing to do, I'd urge you not to tell him. If everything else is going right in the relationship and you are sure that never again would you do something as terrible as what you've done, then don't tell him. I'm just saying this from a practical aspect. Morally, I have no argument because what the other agony aunts are saying is perfectly right. If you tell him, you will be shattered (when he ends the relationship, which he will) and so will he. If you can hold it back (and never ever let it slip out), you'll save the relationship. Yes, it's not a very moral stand to take but sometimes happiness comes before morality. You cannot undo what you've done and you would never do it again under any circumstance. So why ruin what you've built up together? Ideally, you should not have confided in anyone, not even your friend. Is this friend trustworthy? Are you sure she'll never spill the beans? If she does, simply deny it point blank.
I'm conscious of the fact that what I'm asking you to do is immoral but it will probably preserve your relationship and mutual happiness, provided you manage to assuage your conscience and don't give yourself away. I understand you're going through hell...but you did make a very serious mistake and you'll have to pay the price either by losing him or by living with the knowledge that you cheated on him. These are the perils of having a conscience.
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reader, chickpea2011 +, writes (2 April 2012):
 The right thing to do is to tell him, he has the right to know, and he has the right to make his own decision. Marriage is a very serious decision, it's your life in the line, and he chose to spend the rest of his life with you. But, the truth is, if you tell him, there are 2 options:
1) engagement is off.. You will loose him forever...
2) he will accept you, forgive you and go ahead with the wedding, BUT he will never forget what you've done. I am afraid that because of his pain, he might keep bringing it up time to time, and eventually will cause both of you to fight?....
So, pretty much there's no easy way. Confess and possibility to loose him, or be strong, keep it a secret with you forever?.... (I know it's unfair to him, you already feel bad, guilty, etc...) hope you well, and hope you can make the right decision.
Good luck
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reader, YouWish +, writes (2 April 2012):
You need to tell him. He deserves to know that you were unfaithful before he commits to you personally and financially. You had casual sex, which put you at risk for a disease (doesn't matter if a condom was used or not), but even more importantly, there was a reason why you had sex with another man.
Being drunk drops inhibitions, but if the hidden desire wasn't there to begin with, you could have been pass-out drunk and still remained faithful to your fiance. This means that something in you, regardless of intoxication, caused you to cheat. You simply cannot marry if that's in you to do that.
If it were the other way around, you'd want to know if he slept with another woman at his bachelor party. You need to take responsibility for your actions and risk losing him. That's the only way to face head on what caused you to cheat.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2012): It's all fun and games until someone gets an incurable STI. Condoms don't even block genital herpes.
I have heard lots of people say it's better not to tell in these cases. But how often do you hear the cheated-on person saying that? I can't ever remember hearing it coming from them.
People love to rationalize reasons for what they really want to do anyway. "Live with the guilt yourself" is a great rationalization to get what you really want (not to lose your man or be punished for this) but a poor way to show respect for your partner. Your husband does not just deserve love, he deserves respect too.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2012): I did the same with a woman on my Stag Do, I followed her round clubs & bars & had to have her. Yea I was v drunk but what happens on Stags stays on Stags. I took her to my Hotel & had a fantastic night but in the morning was feeling guilty & I didnt know what to say to my Fiancee.
I told her & we split up I hated myself for hurting her .
I am now married to another girl & love her to bits. would not & have never considerd cheating Its totally different to how i felt first time.
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reader, oldbag +, writes (2 April 2012):
 he will probably leave you call off the wedding if you tell him . put yourself in his shoes OR ask how you would feel if he had done it with a woman? its a difficult one you risk losing everything for a drunken mistake, a huge one yes but a mistake . if you don't tell him is he likely to find out from somebody else, can you trust your best mate? in time your guilt & the act will fade but it will always be there hidden, between you. i would say dont tell him but thats if YOU can learn to live with one mistake.Feel for you & hope it works out either way. xxx
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2012): Unless you want to live your entire life with him, until your divorce due to your guilt destroying your life with him, you need to tell him.
Clearly you have a conscience, and frankly this isn't going to go away.
Admit it, you are either an alcoholic, or you aren't ready to get married, or both.
Take this quiz, and for your own sake be brutally honest.
http://www.lanarkleedsaa.org/pages/aboutaa/are_you_an_alcoholic.htm
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2012): I don't think you should tell him. It was a stupid mistake and you'll have to live with it now. I realise that you feel guilty but if you think about why you want to tell him it's probably so he can forgive you and make it better for you... a pretty selfish act.
If you tell him now it will ruin your wedding. Either he'll cancel it on the spot and then have to live with the embarrassment of telling people why the wedding was cancelled on such short notice and you'll probably lose all the money you've put in to it.
On the other hand if he decides to go through with it his wedding day will be tainted by what you did and will again be ruined but for emotional reasons.
What you did was awful and you deserve to feel bad about it but it would take a pretty selfish person to tell him so close to the wedding and ruin everything you've both been looking forward to.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2012): All you have to do is switch positions. Would you want to know if he did this on his stag night?
People make mistakes, its just part of being human so don't beat yourself up over it. However, people also have the right to chose who they spend their lives with, and must be given all the info available so they make an informed choice.
I have given you what I think, now its up to you to decide.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2012): this is a Life Changing situation. you will never be the same again inside even if you never tell your fiance.
I think you should tell him, and it should be before the wedding - which means you have one week to tell him. If he finds out later after you've married, he will be even more enraged and hurt that you didn't tell him.
Infidelity is a deal breaker for most people. Your fiance has a right to know if he wants to proceed with this marriage. Don't rob him of that choice, it's not right to do that. If you tell him and he chooses to stay with you and marry you, that would be the best outcome even though it doesn't mean it erases what you did, it could still cause problems in your relationship in the future. But if you keep this a secret, he could find out some day and the falling out will be infinitely worse and you'll never know when it's going to happen.
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reader, Aunty Susie +, writes (2 April 2012):
 Personally, I think you have to tell him, and before you get married. You won't be able to go on as you are now, you will have to explain to him why you are such a mess. You've made a massive mistake, and will have to wear the consequences. He may, in time be able to forgive you, but you have to give him the opportunity to do just that. Beginning your marriage on a lie will not work. I feel very sorry for you, and hope that things work out for you. You should probably get checked for STD's too, to be on the safe side.
Life can get very hard and complicated at times; but don't make it worse by lying to your fiance.
All the best xx
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2012): Do you think its fair to send your amazing man into a marriage of lies, i think you should him if you truly care about him. I hate that what they dont know wont hurt them saying, its just an excuse to manipulate someone who trusts you, and its selfishness.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2012): if you dont tell him then you marriage will be based on a lie. He desserves to know. And if you dont tell him youll be feeling that guilt your whole marriage.
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