A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I was recently dumped by email this afternoon. We had only been dating 3 months, but I personally think it is cowardly after even one date.At the time I read the email, I wrote a response that was too polite, and did not express how I actually felt (along the lines of "well at least you've finally gotten back to me, and I agree we are not compatible").Am I out of line if I send another response that calmly says that I am disapointed that this person had so little respect for me that they would dump me by email, and then leave it at that?I want to be clear in the email that I am not looking for a response, I just need it to be known that I respect myself, and know I am worth more than an email.Of course, maybe I'm better off without spending another email on this person. Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2010): Good for you! Glad it worked out for the best. At least you've retained your dignity - and hopefully better able to put this into the past.
Now if only I could rewind the clock by 10 weeks and do the same... :-(
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi everyone,
Thank you all for responding!
I initially decided that the best advice was to leave it be. I suppose in most cases this is sound, rational advice.
But then I went with my instinct.
For my own sanity I sent an email back where I voiced my thoughts on his actions (not on why the relationship ended, but how it ended).
Less than an hour later he wrote back to apologize, agreeing that there was no need for this to have ended callously, and admitting that he is horrible at ending relationships.
In this case it turned out well for me to write back because I felt no need to ask why things ended. Also, now if we do run into each other it will not be as awkward as if things had been left unsaid. (It will also spare my friends from having to watch me mock and imitate him;)
PS - 2nd anonymous female reader, I think you may be projecting a bit in your response. I thought I was clear that I was offended with his method of ending things, not hurt over things ending. I also did not imply anywhere that things had ended because we had slept together too soon, or that I was in any way "confused and frustrated" because of it.
As for dating, I don't date people until I know them, so we may be working with different timelines in mind, and with different expectations.
ex. if I am not interested in another date with someone I tell them face to face if they ask at the end of the date, or by phone the next day. It is hardly difficult, and I think all adults, male or female, can handle that.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2010): Don't need to waste time proving to someone that you respect yourself and that you are worth more than an email. Don't bother writing him again. Not bothering with him anymore will show him that you respect yourself. I disagree with you that someone NEEDS to formally "break it off" with you even if they have just been on one date with you. Frankly that is ridiculous. And the fact that you feel this way makes me question how unrealistic your expectations are just going into dating. A date is a casual encounter that might or might not lead to something serious. Shouldn't read too much into it. I know it hurts but I want to help you understand where it might have gone wrong. What was the status of you two? Were you seriously dating or was it casual? Did you guys exchange words of love, commitment and that sort of thing? Or was it casual? Did you guys see each other often? Or can you count on one hand the times you saw each other.The first month or so of dating is the make it or break it period. It is a very shaky period in dating. It is when you are getting to know each other and figuring out where it's going. Alot of people make the mistake of reading way too much into the first couple of dates with someone. Going on dates with someone does not guarantee that it is going to work out for the long haul. Based on the comment you made about a guy needing to formally break it off with you even after going on one date leads me to believe that you are taking this way too seriously. You need to remember that the first month or so is a shaky time and because it is so premature in the courtship, there is no commitment or exchange of love really, you are going to see that if you go on a few dates with someone and it doesn't work out, few men are going to feel the need to explain. Why should they feel accountable? You are not his girlfriend, it is just dating. That is why it is so important that when it comes to sex and stuff you should wait. Wait till he has developed feelings for you. Wait till the courtship is more legit and he feels accountable. If you have sex too soon he may stick around a bit longer and leave anyways and still not properly explain why he is gone. And leave you confused and frustrated.So while I am sorry that you are sad about this, I also think you are not looking at it realistically. Slow down. Take it easy and keep your expectations at a minimum when it comes to dating. Just let things flow naturally. And above all wait to have sex. Wait at least until you know he cares about you.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tine  +, writes (13 December 2010):
 i think you should just leave it at that.. you know yourself that you deserve more respect than what he's given you so, i would just throw my head up high and thank the heavens that you are no longer with such a waste of space.. block his email address and never contact him again!!
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (13 December 2010):
 Nah, don't write him again. Just move on.
...............................
A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (13 December 2010):
I think you're better leaving it where it is. Just because one person treated you this badly certainly doesn't mean that someone else will.
The reason you'd be better leaving it is because he honestly wouldn't care. And, in fact, he'd probably just circulate it around that you were desperate or something. Honestly, if he dumped you like that by email, chances are another email from you won't make even the smallest bit of difference.
Retain your dignity, keep your head high and when anyone asks, just say that he chose to end it callously, and that you were polite about it. Don't bother wasting time over another email.
...............................
A
female
reader, maverick494  +, writes (13 December 2010):
Hmm, though CindyCares makes a really good point (and it would probably be more mature to follow her advice) I can understand why you'd want to send him a message telling him how you really feel. Just because he knows dumping people through e-mail is rude doesn't mean he should be let off the hook. That's why he does it through e-mail. He doesn't want to deal with you personally.
The thing is, he will probably not read your second e-mail. But if sending that message will give you some closure, I'd say go for it. But after sending that message you will have to stop spending your energy on this guy, because then you'll be wasting your time.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2010): ~YOU'VE BEEN BLESSED~
It seems that you behaved toward him unethically as well?...BASED ON THE FOLLOWING STATED BY YOU: At the time I read the email, I wrote a response that was too polite, and did not express how I actually felt (along the lines of "well at least you've finally gotten back to me, and I agree we are not compatible")
?????????
Tit for tat appears one of the issues here, and hopefully I'm incorrect as it is petty, pointless and adds no value to your life.
And as far as being dumped by text, it was you're blessing as it spared you finite breaths for better use elsewhere as you didn't you them wastefully in speaking with him.
It's a good thing that you've seen his true face. Could you imagine if he didn't show until after you said "I do."...OMG!!!Nightmare on Your Street!"
God Bless!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2010): Dumped by email? How nice...
Speaking as someone who was dumped by TEXT after an 18 month relationship (in which marriage & future was mentioned), I totally sympathise with how you.
And I think you SHOULD write back saying how you feel. For one thing, anyone who dumps their partner by email/text/facebook deserves to know that their behaviour was disrespectful. For another, getting those feelings out may help you get closure and move on.
Sadly, in my case I was so heartbroken/devastated that I couldn't think clearly for several weeks. I just wanted her back. Now, more than 2 months later, I really want to tell her how selfish and cowardly she was to end things like that. But it's too late.
So my advice would be to say it now, else it might eat away at you for longer than is healthy. If you feel up to it, why not say it to his face, or over the phone? That way you're showing him that you're better than just an emailer...
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (13 December 2010):
 Yeah,leave it that, don't spend one more atom of energy on this person.
As long as he is out of high school- and I assume he is :)- he must already know that dumping people by email is rude, disrespectful and coward. You would not be telling him anything that he does not know.
...............................
|
