A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've got a pretty typical but still vexing problem... how do you deal with jealousy and boundaries when in a friends-with-benefits situation?I've been hanging out with the same guy, about two and a half months now. When we first started hanging out, he said he "wasn't ready" for a romantic relationship, but wanted to do friends-with-benefits. So since then, we've been hanging out once or twice a week, watching movies, playing video games, cuddling/making out, and having other random adventures.However, it's started to get a little weird. He's always been very communicative... at the minimum I hear from him at least once a day. Every single day, he either texts, calls (30-40 minute calls just to chat), or sends me a link on Facebook. Some days he does all three. He's introduced me to several of his friends, his best friend, and both of his parents (separately, even.) He often wants to hang out for the entire weekend, or wants me to stay the night, "just to cuddle."On the one hand, the attention is really nice, especially as I do like him. But on the other, it all feels very... couple-y. I try really hard to keep my feelings in check, as I know none of this concretely says "relationship," but sometimes the temptation is just too much.Here's the thing that's really been getting me. He has lots of female friends (his best friend is female; she and I get along great.) There's one particular friend who he hangs out once every few weeks. He'll spend hours at her place, just the two of them. Sometimes they hang out so late he crashes on her couch. He even does his laundry over there. He says he's not sleeping with anyone else, and that she and him do the same kind of things I and he do," except me and her have our clothes on." But it makes me super uncomfortable. I know I have no right to be jealous or suspicious, but I am. I try never to show it... I never ask questions about her, or what they do together. He supplies all of this information freely. He'll even call me on the way to her house/on the way home from her house, or text me while he's there," Great episode of TV show, me and her just finished it!" I want to tell him to stop telling me about her, stop telling me when he goes over to her house and how long he stays, and what they do together, and I especially want him to stop calling me before or after he hangs out with her. But I don't know how to tell him that without seeming jealous or "serious"... after all, friends-with-benefits is supposed to be casual and free of feelings. So how do I bring this up without seeming insecure? Do I even have the right to ask that he not do this, since we're not in a relationship?
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female
reader, loulou99 +, writes (10 April 2012):
I wish i had all the answers.. i myself just got out of a 2yr FWB situation... its alot of hurt i do know that. hurt you should stay far away from. noone for that matter should feel that pain. seems soo many ppl get involved in a FWB situation.. at some point it leads to hurt.. alot of hurt...2months.. try 2 yrs.. its all the same.. run far away seriously. hope you figure it out sooner than later...im not much help. good luck.
A
female
reader, Martinizum +, writes (5 April 2012):
Sorry I'm writing this on my phone so if I mess up words or don't finish what I was saying like what just happened sorry..LOL..anyway as everyone else has said...sounds like you are getting feeling for him an he doesn't want anything but what he has with you right now which is the best of both worlds..you may want to slow it down as I said in my first post rules an boundaries need to be set in the beginning an you have to stick to it..if you don't either slow it down an keep the
friendship part to a minimum you'll get bit even harder from the love bug than you would if you keep it strictly sexual...I don't think you should say anything to him about her right now because you don't want to come across jealous so like I said I wouldn't be talking as much as you do that way it avoids
hearing Bout her an if you have only known him for a short.
period of time. Then its new an your both enjoying eachothers company right now so enjoy it an cut down a bit on hanging out an keep it more sexual than friendship or you will push him away an end up hurt..or start telling him your hanging out with a Guy friend an see how he reacts he shouldn't get jealous either but fwbs are hard to do unless you stick to the rules in my case they always got jealouean attached an didn't like me hanging with other men..but I stuck to my rules you haven't so either say to him you want to still have sex an blah blah..but I always tell them I'm sleeping with them but dating other men so they know texting an cuddling an long talks always hanging out is not an fwb ...an they no their. Not the only one in your life that's getting your attention cause you know. He has other girl or girl who is taking up his time as well..good luck ..
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (5 April 2012):
 Friends with benefits means you have no right to exclusivity of any kind. Do you like that?
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A
female
reader, Martinizum +, writes (5 April 2012):
Ok so I have had a few fbws.. I set rules as soon ad us being fwbs was established...my first rule is no cuddling he comes over maybe hangs out for a bit ad a friend then we have sex then he or you leave ..cuddling is in my rules a big no no its too personal too relationship type..I don't text an tell him no texting during the week unless its here an there to say hi..I tell him not to tell me bout other girls whether he's sleeping with her or not he's making it uncomfortable ..so I. say it in general so I don't feel that way..
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A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (5 April 2012):
 Well you are already in a great big mess - because as you said, FWB is supposed to be free of feelings, let you said earlier in your post "especially as I do like him". You like him more than a FWB, so this is already well past boundaries and controlling jealousy.
NEVER agree to a FWB if you want more than that from him. If you started hanging out with him hoping it would turn into a relationship, then only settled for the FWB when he said he wasnt ready for a relationship - then you have always wanted more from him and this was doomed from the start. If you want a relationship, then you should have walked away when he said he didnt want one - now you are just in some grey area where you want more but he cant give you what you want.
You have no right to be jealous of his friend, because she is simply you but minus the sex, and all a FWB is for is sex - so you cant bring it up at all with him because this is way beyond your remit as the casual sex partner.
He has female friends he likes to hang around with. He has you to have sex with. There is nothing you can be upset about as he has made this very clear from the start.
You need to stop kidding yourself that you are ok with the FWB situation, stop pretending that you are keeping your feelings in check and accept that you like him and want to be his girlfriend. If he doesnt want you to be his girlfriend and just wants FWB then you have to move on, this will only get worse.
As CindyCares said, what is the point in carrying on with this if you cant keep it casual? What is the point in wasting your time with someone who just wants a casual thing when you want more? There are plenty of other guys out there, dont waste time with the wrong one.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (5 April 2012):
 Alas, obviously not, since you aren't in a relationship- whom he spends his time with ,doing what, is none of your business- and viceversa.
Look at the bright side , at least you've got an FWB who does properly the " Friend " part of the deal, spending time with you out of bed, showing you affection, introducing you to his friends , etc- while in the wide majority of FWB situations, the benefits stay but the friendship goes lost or is never even attempted to begin with.
Nevertheless, that's just the part that sucks with FWBs and that sooner or later starts bothering people and denting their self esteem : that , no matter how much fun you have together, and how good the sex is, and how well you get along.... you are still a temp. You are marking time until the " right one " shows up , the one they would have no qualms and no hesitations committing to, the one they'd actually INSIST for having a real relationship with.
As you said, FWB is supposed to be jealousy free and, if not totally feelings free, at least drama free, - casual, breezy, light hearted.
If you can't keep it this way, I think you'll have to give up to your FWB thing, because it will go worse in time and gnaw at you more and more. Or, be brave , take the bull by the horns, and tell him frankly what you feel, and what does he think about upgrading the r/ship ?. ( And , of course, you have to be preapred to take a possible rejection as graciously as you can ).
If you struggle to keep it fun and breezy, while inside you it is anything but that,- then what's the whole point of carrying on.
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