A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:So this is my story of surviving domestic violence. When people say that phrase they pre-judge i bet your thinking i'm in my late 30's/ 40's had a history of violence from my childhood? Maybe live in a poor area? Well your wrong, i'm 23, it happened to me when i was 19, i come from a loving family who are not poor or neglectful. I was going to University when it happened to me i had everything to live for. This is one of my stories that i want people to learn from. I no that many young girls use this site and i want them to learn from my mistakes. Today i found a necklace, i was looking for some work from my uni years and i came across this necklace, a beautiful white gold necklace but when i saw it all the painful memories came back of why this necklace was bought for me. M was staying at my flat, but he had gone to work so i thought i'd catch up on some work, my computer was already on so i knocked my mouse so it would come back to life, i saw on the screen a message from him to this girl: "Hey sexy, fancy meeting up for a bit of fun? ;o)" I felt sick, after everything he'd promised he's hurt me again, emotionally this time. But what shall i do? I can't call him now, he's at work that wouldnt be fair, i'll wait. So i waited and waited he was meant to finish at 11pm its 1:30 now he comes strolling in. I planned it all, i left the message on my pc, i knew he'd check his e-mails and i made myself scarce in the kitchen. My heart was pounding "C, can you come here?" I was for it now. I walked in and he was sat there (i can't really write much of what he said, to much swearing) "why have you logged onto my e-mail?" "i haven't it was already on, i saw what you wrote" he grabbed my hair " don't answer me back" same old same old i thought at this point. "listen you dirty slapper, i'll do who or whatever i want, do you understand? Don't you ever go through my things again" then i was on the floor... he was clever about it all i mean he was stupid but he knew just where to kick so nobody would see. I didn't cry though- he would of liked that. I woke up the next day,acheing, the pain wow! I had a drama exam a practical but i couldnt walk for pain, my ribs were bruised possibly fractured i knew i couldnt do my drama, the costume would show my bruising so i called in sick. My friends they didnt understand they thought i was hungover. This is when i decided enough was enough i decided to go home to my family, i called my dad pretending i was sick and i needed 2 come home... M wasn't happy he cried, begged, pleaded, hit but i decided i had to go. He left my flat. After a few days i went back to my flat instantly i knew someone had been i unlocked my door and on my bed lay a green box with a bow and a letter: To C, i'll never do it again, i'm so sorry. I opened it up and inside was a beautiful white gold necklace. This is just a snippet of my expierience the necklace in the end came a symbol of strength but its a painful reminder of what happened to me. I don't hide my name because im ashamed i hide it because he has a baby now and i don't want that child to know what their father was like. I have a boyfriend, a loving amazing man who doesn't no any of this and i no it would hurt him if he knew. I just wanted to write this as a warning to all the young girls out there. If you are in a violent relationship get out! Break the cycle, he may make you feel that you will be alone but you won't be. Thanks for reading, feel free to comment or ask anything. C x
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female
reader, metalheadmom  +, writes (6 December 2010):
 Fortunately, I have let go of most of the negative emotional memories I had after a very long physical/emotional abusive marriage. I too, had no clue what abuse or loosing one's self was about. People clearly do not understand how difficult it is to do anything when your entire person gets lost. You know you are still there, but it's like you are completely paralyzed. Only when something comes along to trip you back to who you were before the abuse, can you actually do anything. To this day, I do not know who or what tripped me back, but when it happened, I became fearless.
Thinking back, being fearless could have gotten me killed. I loaded my handgun, stuck in to his head, and told him to get out of my life or I would kill him. He did. At that point, whatever was to happen didn't matter - I just was not ever going to be hit again.
I still become anxious and uneasy around alcohol drinking men - alcohol was his trigger - but I have let go of all the other junk I accumulated during that time.
I have done a lot of research on abuse and abusers, it is not that easy to know who is or who is capable of abuse. What is clear to me, is it is even harder to profile who ends up being abused, and harder still to tell anyone what to do when it happens, because WE are all completely different people from every kind of background there is.
Thankfully, the ex completely quit alcohol and is well on his way to knowing who he really is. He is not the same guy at all now, and I am happy for him. I wish every abuser would wake up like he did.
A
female
reader, INCREDIBLEME01 +, writes (6 December 2010):
 This is not your fault! You have every right to confront your mate if they behave in any way that is disrespectful to you or your relationship. I do hope you did infact leave after the first occurence, as seldom do. The promises are always the same afterwards. Never again, presents,flowers, ass kissing etc etc. This not a reflection how you were raised. It is a reflection on his insecurities (cheating or flirting to start with) and his character as a man. had you stayed after the first incident, then it would speak volumes as to how you felt about yourself by enduring this abuse. I appluad you by leaving regarless of the number of times it has happened, as it is tough leaving someone you love.the feelings don't just disappera because of their behavior. My suggestion, pawn the necklace, don't even give it to a friend as you will remember it's the reason it was given to you and you will relive the abuse you endured to receive it. Spend the money on pampering yourself. You deserve it, and the bravery you had to leave is to be commended. Personally, I would probably donate the sale of it to a women's abuse shelter regardless of the amount you get for it. take care and hold your head up high, you are strong and wise, even if were a victim. You will persevere.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2010): as i read your story it brings back a situation i found myself in (25 year old male so.cal.)at my work was a beautiful woman about my age i mean very nice well spoken well dressed alot of pluses in my book,(by the way i am happily married and would never cheat on or hurt any woman especially my wife)anyhow this woman happens be be dateing a guy that i am very good friends with his cousin and kinda buddies with him,well as time goes on she starts calling in sick for multiple days at a time at first i thought shes young this job isnt her life shes probably having fun with friends(we work in a team like set up and each employee plays important roles so you know when someones not up to speed slacking or absent)anyways she returns after 3 days plus the weekend off and i instantly notice heavy make-up and long sleave sweater on a 102 degree day in mid summer in L.A. turns out she has a black/blue/purple ring around her eye and a glowing red eyeball and each arm has bruising in the shape of fingers.i ask her in a concerned manner wtf his ass better be in jail and her reply in a sad mumbleing manner says"we were drinking & i accussed him of flirting with another girl and it escalated into screaming i was in his face and he was defending himself he went to push me out of the way and his thumb accedently poked my eye"thats when i stopped her the b.s.was to thick what really happend is he was drunk hitting on a girl from the camp next to them when his girlfriend said something about it he lost self control grabbed her by her arms forcing her to listen why he was flirting and when she didnt except the answer she got punched in the eye resulting in her falling out of the motorhome they were in 4 feet to the dirt and rocks and a man about a football field away could hear it going on and called 911 (thank god for her sake)bottom line is booze and anger can be fatel there is nothing at all any woman can do ****NOTHING***** that can justify a man laying a finger on a woman in a vilont or aggressive manner that isnt what a man is or does thats a chump a weak ass little boy so if there is any woman out there in a relationship where your boyfreind/husband is hitting you or physically hurting you it is going to happen again and again it would be very rare next to unheard of if he were to change fore ever without alot of counciling and for a woman to live in fear because of a person they are with is very sad and let me say there are alot of real good honest(4 the most part)men that will treat you like the princess that you are life is way to short to spend it unhappy or in pain again zero excuess for a man to hit a woman or anyone and its your life being waisted the break-up may hurt emotionally but thats temporary and if you are scared of him to leave call your father / brother / police department/ neighbor / call me i will remove your stuff just get out the city you live in has a safe warm place you can stay if you have no where to go remember the police are there for you to help you all you have to do is ask they just dont go around throwing people in the slammer ,they have the resources the ability and the time do it for yourself you deserve the world
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt isn't because they don't want to leave, but they just change you as a person, they make you believe you are the uglyiest, stupidest person and that no one would ever want you. By that point as well for me i'd become distant from friends and family so felt i had no one else to go to. It was amazing how much he changed me physically and emotionally! I think at first as a young woman i thought it was "cool" to be with a guy who was agressive and violent. I believe a lot of young women fall into that trap until he turns around and is violent and aggressive to them C x
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reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (29 November 2010):
 That was a wise thing you did. I hope all other women find that same strength to leave abusive relationships. I do find it strange though, it is almost like a more grotesque case of Stockholme Syndrome with most abusive relationships. The abuser promises to change but they never do and yet the innocent lover never leaves, out of fear perhaps or a misguided sense of hope.
I am glad you were able to leave him and I can only hope the mother of his child and the child itself, is alright.
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