A
female
age
,
*crambled brain
writes:It's me again,Well we went out for valentines dinner on Saturday night and it had to happen. I mentioned I suppose I'd be getting a poxy bunch of flowers as usual rather than a heart necklace (like he bought 9 years ago for some woman he got close to but I only found out what it was late last year) and I hope he hadn't got me a card saying 'to the love of my life' which I knew he had cos I'd seen it in the wardrobe.He left to walk home and I was left finishing pink champagne on my own.When I got home he said what a waste of over £100 on the meal and I started on about the size of his phone bills when he was sex texting/phoning another female work colleague in 2008/9 and how money didn't seem to matter then!!Anyway we went to bed on really bad terms and in the morning he told me to 'F-off'. He gave me my bouquet and said 'you might as well throw it in the bin'. For the first time since we met 39 years ago we didn't exchange valentines cards.On the way out to golf he did give me a kiss and we had made up again by the time he came in. He gave me a beautiful card but I'd deliberately got him one without the usual gushing verse and he seemed very disappointed.I know he adores me and we both love each other to bits but I can't put his 'emotional (I hope not more)affairs' behind me.I know I've asked for help several times but I'm desperate. I want to believe his sincerity but can't ever trust him again and am just waiting for the next time.Does the hurt and pain EVER go away or at least ease?This valentines was worse than last because I since found out about the heart from 9 years ago and discovered that the texting fling I thought was over in 2008 carried on for another 8 months on a secret pay as you go.When I confronted the woman (which I regret not doing in the first place) she said it wasn't the first time he'd done that sort of thing and that's what made me investigate further about the heart.I need to come to terms with what has happened and move on but I forever dwell on it. It is in my head 24/7 and I keep replaying the texts I have read and making myself distraught with jealousy and fear.Thanks for any support or advice x
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flowers, jealous, money, move on, text Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Carrot2000  +, writes (16 February 2010):
 Even though it's been 9 years for him, it feel like yesterday for you. I've followed your story and I get the sense that your husband has never fully acknowledged that he caused you pain. Perhaps this is why you haven't been able to let go of your anger.
I agree with the counseling suggestion. The two of you both have some things to get off your chest, and a therapist can help facilitate these conversations. The things you hear--and say--may be painful, but you both need to be heard, understood and have your feeling respected if you truly want to move forward in this marriage.
A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (15 February 2010):
The pain won't go away until you get your feelings well and truly out in the open. That means counselling. If you want this to work, then get counselling and get all your feelings out, because unless you do, he will end up leaving you. He was wrong to cheat, but if you love him and want to be with him, you need to make a huge effort to forgive him, and having read your other posts I don't think that will happen unless you get counselling and just get everything out in the open once and for all, no matter how hard.
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A
female
reader, scrambled brain +, writes (15 February 2010):
scrambled brain is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Marieclair again,
Yes I can see your point and sometimes it seems that the relationship is not benefiting.
I suppose I am full of anger and spite but it's to the other women. I can't hate him cos I love him.
Many times when we've argued he said he's had enough and although he'll always love me and always has (which I really DO believe) we are tearing each other apart and it would be in both our best interests to call it a day.
Trouble is, neither of us wants that and we keep carrying on hoping I will someday 'get over it'.
What does make me angry is that it's OK for him to want that cos he's got nothing to get over although it's made us both ill and I sometimes wonder if his guilt is worse than my pain?
Anyway, i really appreciate your interest. Because I can't think rationally I keep looking for other people's points of view although I know in my heart it's his and mine that's all that matters.
Thanks again sweetie x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2010): Take some time off from him and from this relationship. Come back when you miss him. And each time you feel like being bitchy about this, pinch yourself and STOP.
He probably does not even remember what happened ten years ago. You will make him.
And throw that damned necklace away. Your story is not jaded even to you... its past its sell by date. If you don't remember that you'll only harm yourself
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A
female
reader, kelsey18 +, writes (15 February 2010):
 Put the past behind you,and if you can't then move on and attempt to find somebody else. But if you do stick around.. you really need to stop being as hard on him x
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A
female
reader, scrambled brain +, writes (15 February 2010):
scrambled brain is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Marieclaire,
If you'd followed my story you might understand my pain.
Also, even though the necklace was bought 9 years ago, I only found out late last year and anyway do things get wiped out after so many years like points on a driving licence.
I also didn't mention I'm not just 'some other girlfriend', we've been married over 30 years.
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A
female
reader, BettyBoup +, writes (15 February 2010):
 Hi there.
I can see why you're upset. It must be very hurtful to find out your husband(or long term partner) has been having an affair of any kind. It would be awful to find he's bought another woman a heart necklace when he doesn't go to that effort for you.
I can see why he was upset thought at your meal. He may have thought he was making a special effort for you buy buying pink champagne and flowers. He might have felt that you threw it back in his face.
But his behaviour is not excusable though, but you seem to have made the decision to stay with him after discovering his affairs, you will have to find some way to forgive him so that you can move forward. Otherwise this will just eat away inside of you and you will become very bitter about this. You dont deserve this, you deserve to have a happy loving relationship.
How long ago did you discover his affairs and about the heart necklace? If it was fairly recently have you sat down and had an honest talk with him about it? You need to find out why he has done this. Once you know why he has acted like this you might be able to move forward. He needs to know that you do love him, but that his actions have hurt you deeply. You need to tell him that it hurts that he bought a necklace for another woman when he only buys flowers for you on valentines. Let him know he needs to make you feel loved and cherished.
You need to find a way to forgive HIM, not what he did, that was wrong. But you need to let go of the anger and move forward with him or things will only get worse.
Good luck :)
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