A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am confused. My boyfriend and I have been together almost a year. We had the "fantasy" discussion. He said he wants a threesome. I asked why and he said its a fantasy. I said well I wouldn't want you to have sex with the other woman. His response was "well then what's the point?" I freaked out on him and said just the idea of him having sex with another woman makes me want to puke! He said ok he will never bring it up and he will forget about it. I say bull but he swears he loves me too much and that he respects my decision. I don't know what to think. Does he just want to have sex with another woman or is it truly a fantasy?
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female
reader, holmar +, writes (19 July 2009):
sometimes when people are "in the moment" they say things that they wouldn't necessarily do, it's just a thought. I imagine if you weren't "in the moment" you wouldn't have brought it up. But you shouldn't be upset at your husband. I am pretty sure that is almost every mans fantasy, but that's just what it is, a fantasy. He loves you more than a fantasy. He simply loves you. And unfortunately, as much as women would like this not to be true (including me), men are more physical when it comes to sex. To him it may be just an physical act and to you it's hurtful because you don't even want him being turned on by another woman. Either way, it sounds like it's bothering you, and if it is, it probably isn't an area to be going in to. But even if he would want to, so would a lot of happily married men, given the chance and permission. But, he loves YOU, and like I said, many men and women are different when it comes to sex...men-physical women-emotional. But try not to be upset. I think it's a gender difference between men and women that most women really would like to just not think about because it hurts to think that a man could be physically attracted to anyone but you, however, a man gets a hard on just driving on a bumpy road. I even knew of a man who watched a lot of porn, so eventually he developed a real problem. Every time he saw a VCR he got an erection. Bad aye? But that's a man for ya, and it doesn't mean he loves you any less. It just means we're different. But sounds like an area you might want to steer clear of?
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2009): Some poeple don't see introducing a third part to sex as introducing them to the relationship. For some, sex is an activity, that's all. It's not emotional it's physical and as long as they don't care for the person they're having sex with, they're not cheating. Don't get me wrong.. this is NOT right in MY marraige, but it is ok in some.
And "forsaking all others" may be different to different people. For all, it means to forsake others from the parts of our relationship that we deem should only be for the two of us. But everyone deems those parts differently. I would no more go out to a restaraunt alone with another man than i would have sex with him. To me, both should be forsaken. But to others, .. i'm crazy...
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2009): My husband recently shared with me that he would like to have a threesome with another woman. maybe if u sit down and have a serious talk about it,it might not be as bad as you think.I still don't know a lot about the subject myself but I believe if you are married then serious trust needs to be there or it will destroy you both mentally and emotionally.
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female
reader, natasia  +, writes (30 June 2009):
 so it was you freaking out because he fantasized about having a threesome ... poor guy ... he just told you ... because you asked. and i guess that around 99% of sexually charged guys would have had the same fantasy. and as lots of people have said, that in NO way means he either wants to or would really do it. most probably not.
three somes are fun in fantasy but in reality they pretty much always disturb, if not ruin, relationships. just tell him you don't want ever to share him, and hope he doesn't either.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI was the one who brought it up. I want to spice things up...that include things like dressing up and role playing. He said whatever I wear (or dont) is perfect. I asked what sexually does he wish to do etc. He said we have done some (could be caught, in the kitchen, handcuffs etc) and really the only thing he has left is a threesome...but he hasnt thought about it for a while and obviously I brought it back into question.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2009): My wife and I both have fantasies and we talk about them. She used to have fantasies about being with 2 guys. She never did it, even when she was dating after she left her first husband. She still has fantasies on occasion. I like to fantasize about a 3some with 2 women, sometimes one of them being her. I sometimes fantasize about her being with multiple men. It's just a fantasy. People with a high sex drive have more fantasies than those with a low sex drive. It's the hormones that most often determine sex drive and fantasies are a part of that. I think that guys understand that better than women because they have way more testosterone. We more often than not talk about our fantasies and always have. We have always been open about our feelings about nearly everything. We used to tell each other what we liked about other partners in the past when we had been dating for less than a year. I don't see too much difference in talking about fantasies.
Would my wife and I ever do something like that if the opportunity arose? I seriously doubt it. I doubt that either one of us would want to see the other boinking someone else. That doesn't mean that we don't like to fantasize about it. It is too dangerous to both a marriage and health to actually do it. We would really have to trust the other person if we were so inclined at all.
So the question is: Does your boyfriend actually want to have a 3some? Maybe, maybe not. No one here can answer that question with any accuracy. Any answer is just a wild guess. Only you can tell by talking to him about it. Perhaps he isn't even sure if he would do it if you wanted to. He said no to that, so do you believe him?
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2009): "If he loved you he wouldnn't want to share you." Sorry guys that just does not settle with me. I know so many happily married people ARE in love and enjoy threesomes, for the sexual adventure. Not every person is the same! And no.. i'm not saying this because it's my personal opinion. my husband and I both are against the idea. I'm saying it because that is not the way of thinking of every person in the world.
I don't think it's right to ask her to jump to the conclusion that her nf isn't serious about her and doesn't really love her with this is a fantasy that almost everybody has! They've been together for almost and year, and he told her he loves her and her decision is more importnant to him.
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male
reader, Your friend  +, writes (29 June 2009):
 Its a fantasy, they are personal and really shouldn't be shared because they can cause confusion and hurt which is what has happened. Ask yourself if you have a fantasy you would not want to share with him because you wanted to do it, would you really tell him about it?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2009): I'm afraid I'm old fashioned. If you love someone you don't share them physically. I would question his feelings towards you. Perhaps you have discovered something about his sexual preferences that makes you understand him a bit more.... and by understanding him a bit more you can make a clearer decision about the future of your relationship. The problem now is that you will always wonder if he is secretly wanting more than just you - and that is not a nice thing to live with.
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female
reader, natasia +, writes (29 June 2009):
Who initiated the fantasy discussion? If it was him, it's true that maybe he wanted to because he wanted to see how you would react to the idea.
I don't believe it means he loves you any more or less - it is just a fantasy, and if, like most guys nowadays, he's ever watched any internet porn, everything is there, and it is mostly two girls with any number of guys. It is guys' no.1 fantasy, to have two women, so he is just being normal. As he hasn't ever had this, though, he doesn't totally know what he's talking about, and as other people have said, if he ever tries this out, he probably won't repeat it.
I think he probably feels a mixture of embarrassment and annoyance at the moment, and you feel hurt. Don't take his fantasy too seriously.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2009): dan, i find your advice to be extrememly self specific. An exact situation and feeling came about you and so you figure this is exactly how it is for everyone. There are tons of married, in love people who love threesomes.
Your word is appreciated here, but I think you're scaring this girl over nothign important.
And I agree with OldGuy. She did ask him and so he verbalized it. He was trying to be honest, but if you punish him for that, you may not be able to expect the same honesty in the future.
~Sy.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2009): Uh, give the man a break. You asked about *fantasies*. He trusted you enough to tell you. Now you're all over him about it. Is it any wonder that men don't answer those questions honestly?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2009): It's a typical fantasy. I remember I freaked out just like you when my boyfriend told me. I asked why he wanted that and he said "It's about feeling man enough to please two women at once". However, it usually is just a fantasy because of that same thing. Most men will probably agree that they would never turn down a threesome (especially when single), for the fun of it and trying. But I've heard a lot of men saying that after they had the experience it was a disappointment compared to the fantasy they had built in their minds. So yeah, that's one of those fantasies that are better kept a fantasy.My boyfriend said he wouldn't want to have it because then I would want to have a MMF threesome and he would hate having another guy have sex with me. So it goes both ways.The thing with fantasies is that they're pleasurable in your mind because you have ABSOLUTE control. For instance, sometimes I have the odd fantasy about another guy. Maybe this is TMI, but I fantasize about seducing a nerdy, ugly guy. My boyfriend is far from ugly and far from nerdy. Do I want to really have sex with an ugly, nerdy guy? No. It wouldn't be as good as it is with my boyfriend. Plus, as much as I fantasize about other guys, I just can't even consider sleeping with another man. And that's love. I just wouldn't be able to do it. And if I did it, I'm sure it would suck.Fantasies are just that. Just like when you were young and dreamed of being a famous pop star. Who would want to have a pop star's life anyway? Most normal people wouldn't, but it's fun to fantasize abput nonetheless.Good luck.
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male
reader, dan026 +, writes (29 June 2009):
 I can confidently state that he does want a threesome. If it were a mere fantasy he would not even verbalize it to you. I have had a threesome, they are not great, but I still occassionally fantasize about them. However, I would never tell my S.O. that I fantasize about this because I don't want it to materialize. I told a previous gf about my desire because I wanted it and it happened. I wasn't in love with her though. Had I been I could not even have shared her with another woman. Likely he will say anything to calm you down as he realizes you aren't going to allow it. He still wants it though. Reanalyze your relationship and you may see he isn't as serious about it as you are.
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A
female
reader, jenni75 +, writes (29 June 2009):
I really don't think it has to do with having sex with another woman, because no matter what he is with you. You asked him his fantasy, and he told you, now you have to decide if it is something you can deal with. A lot of people have the fantasy of having a threesome. He has told you he will forget it, and you have to believe him. Since he says he loves you, you in return have to trust him, because if you don't give him the trust he just might go elsewhere. Before you judge him on his fantasy, think about your wildest fantasy, would you want someone to get mad at you over that? Or judge you on your fantasy? Now think how he feels for your judgement on his fantasy. I myself think having a threesome is very exciting, and it shows how much trust is in relationship. But you have to be comfortable with it also, or it will be a total disaster. You just got to let him know you don't judge him for his fantasy, just that you are uncomfortable with it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2009): I'm sure you are plenty for him and pleasure him perfectly to his content. This is a very common fantasy. Does the idea of having two guys stimulating in your two favourite ways please you? If yes, then does that mean YOU just want to be with another man?
I think this is a fantasy and it's the idea of having more than one person pleasing you more than the idea of awoman besides yourself.
Try not to worry! If he wanted to be with another woman, he would've cheated on you or broken up with you by now. But he loves you and respects your decision.
~Sy.
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