A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Dear cupid,I really need help. My ex boyfriend broke up with me exactly one year ago and I am SO not over him. We were together for 2 and 1/2 years. The first 18 months were perfect. People used to say we were the perfect couple. We were both so in love. I really thought he was the one. I was 29 then and he was 28.Then, he started pulling back and according to him it was because I was putting pressure to get married. The last 6 months of the relationship were kind of painful. Lot's of red flaggs that I should've seen. But I guess I didn't. He broke up with me and after begging him to reconsider, we got back together for a month and then he broke up again.I was in such pain. Worst time of my life. As months went by, I found out he had been seing this girl who is cousin of his cousins. I found out he was already talking with her (about us) when we went to visit his family (we stayed at his (and hers) uncle and aunt's) a few weeks before he broke up with me. That was so humiliating to find out EVERYONE knew we were having problems and at that time (right in front of me) she was been flirtive with him. When I found out he took me to his family's house and everyone already knew he was thinking of breaking up with me and his 'cousin' was being flirtive with him in front of my very eyes, I went crazy. I look back and I realize I was the typical CRAZY ex girlfriend. I called 10 times a day to yell at him and cry and drive by his house to yell somemore.. I can't believe I did that; and for about 4 months. I am so ashamed and embarassed.. On top of the sadness to lose him, and that he had left me for his 'cousin' who I already knew, I was just so embarassed I humilated myself to that degree..Now, one year has gone by and I thought I'd be doing better... But I am so not.. Please help me. I do well, until I see that they are still together.. I leave in a small town and we live in the same neighborhood. I just saw they driving by last week.I don't know why I am still in pain.. Is it because he fell in love with a girl 10 years younger than me? Is it because he'd always had a picture of her along his sister's picture in his room (I had never thought anything wrong of it,, they were 'cousins' after all).. Is it because he was the boyfriend who came closer to getting married with me?? Is it because he fell in love for a girl who was acting sluty and hitting on him in front of me and the whole family... Does he think she is better than me? And his family,, why did they even invite me to family stuff (we were very close) if they knew there was something of some sort going on with them.. I felt so hurt and betrayed that every one knew it!!Finally, could it be also that looking back, I realized ALL the mistakes that I made in this relationship and that maybe - just maybe - had I not made them, we might still be happy and together... I was a little needy and could have given him more space. Could have given him more time to decide for himself - with no pressure - that we should get married..Or could it be that I have not met a SINGLE person in this entire year and don't have the smallest prospect of being in a relatioship anytime soon??I am a pretty girl. I hear that everyday (not in a condescending/ after the break up way). I know I am a pretty lady. I am smart (I have a doctorate/ professional degree) and I have a SUPER loving, supportive family. I have many friends and I have a life. I am just saying that because I do know that I am deserving of love (like everyone else). So, I don't need to hear that I am worthy and all that stuff.. But why is it that he has found apparently the new love of his life already - ironically someone who has been around forever already - and I am still single, haven't met anyone interesting/ interested (not one!) and I am still thinking about what we used to have (in the begining). Please help me. There are SOO many issues that I don't know where to start from. And I am a happy person. I DON'T want to become bitter!! And I so see it coming! Thank you!PS: sorry for the huge question..
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broke up, cousin, ex girlfriend, fell in love, flirt, got back together Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2009): What stands out to me is that you seem to be beating yourself up over this situation. You use words like "ashamed" to describe how you are feeling. To be honest though, you don't sound to me like you was a "crazy ex". The way you behaved was totally understandable in my opinion. It was a terrible situation for you, so of course you was angry, upset, embarrassed, etc. I think you was justified in how you reacted.
I also think it is very strong of you to try and carry on after all this, and not give up entirely. I think you need to be kinder to yourself about all of this, forgive yourself, and stop blaming yourself for what happened.
You say that things went wrong, maybe because you did this, or this, or didn't do that, etc. But lets look at it from a different perspective. Has it occured to you that maybe it was simply HIM with the problem? Why is all of this your fault? Doesn't he take some responsibility too? After all, he was the one in the wrong here.
As for his family knowing what was going on, this must have been difficult when you found out. But just because they knew what was going on, it doesn't mean that they agree with your ex's actions. Perhaps they disapproved. If they still invited you to family events, then they clearly still thought a lot of you. They probably simply wanted to stay out of it, and they were probably not laughing about the suituation at all.
I think that, because of all of this, all of these complex and painful feelings, it is making it difficult for you to move forward. You say that your ex and this other woman seem to be gatting along great, that he has found the love of his life. But how do you know that? Maybe behind closed doors, things aren't so great after all. Maybe he is even cheating on her. You really don't know. They will probably put on a happy, united front in public, but it isn't necessarily the real picture.
I also think that, instead of being worried that you haven't met anyone else yet, you should try and take a break from relationships for the moment, and focus on healing yourself, and try to come to terms with, and accept, what has happened.
I know this won't be easy though, so could you get support from other people, like friends or family? Or maybe even talking to a professional could help, just to enable you to get it all out of your system, look at it from a different perspective, and find a way forward. You don't have to try and do all of this alone.
I hope things start to pick up for you soon, Take care. x
A
female
reader, applebite8821 +, writes (29 June 2009):
 I wish you could PM me...
The same thing happened to me. Although, after i have said so many times that I am over with my ex, I still am not..i broke up with him exactly 2 months ago and he left me for another girl.
It is really painful to be treated like this. We can't imagine that these guys who had showered us with love, care and attention are capable of looking the other way and divert everything to another person. We cannot entirely blame it on them about their feelings though..let's admit, we have faults too. Like for you, your ex said he was exhausted coz you started pressuring him with the marriage. As for me, my ex said I was beginning to complain about everything and it stressed him out. BUT it doesn't give them any right to see other people behind our back.
Now all things are sweet with their new interests. But if we come to think of it, did we not start of with them the same way as they have started with these other girls? The good news is, one way or another..they will come to a point where the honeymoon stage is over with these girls. Its just a matter of time really.
Another thing, in some way or another...there is justice for what they have done to us. I am not so religious or superstitious but I have seen and heard so many stories of this kind that the cheater himself/herself didn't have a happy ending...nature has its way of making them reap what they sow. It is not a small deal to hurt someone this way.
Just to share with you, my ex just called me over the weekend to tell me that he is not doing ok anymore with the other girl. See? Barely two months after he left me, he's having trouble now..goodluck to him.
Yet regardless of what might be their ending with their new lovers. On our part, the best thing for us to do is to learn to accept it. Accept it girl..its the first step to letting go. I am on my way there although there are times during the day i'd get depressed again. But there is no choice left. This is for our own good. Let us not waste anymore time. If these guys didn't waste anymore time with us, why should we waste ours on them?
I do hope somehow that I get to ease your depression a bit. Other people may give you another way of coping up but this is how I see it.
Goodluck to you.
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