A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My bf doesn't always tell me when he's been going out for drinks after work with co-workers or to the bar with his buddies. I thought he was open about everything (I've never given him trouble about going for drinks) but apparently there are some times that he prefers not to tell me about to avoid fights. When I found out I was really hurt and i asked him why and he said that he doesn't tell me because he doesn't want to get into a fight. He said that at the bar women occasionally talk to him and he doesn't turn them down because that's how he is. He loves to talk to people and hear what they have to say. And he knows I'm not going to like it, so instead he just doesn't tell me. He's a very attractive and very friendly, outgoing guy so i can imagine that lots of women hit on him. The reason why I've been jealous in the past is because i think his friendliness can be at times easily mistaken for interest. There were times when I saw him talk to another woman in front of me and the interaction just reminded me of the type of interaction you would have on a first date. That's why I said something to him. But he equaled this to jealousy.I don't want him to tell me about every single minute in his life but I don't think it's right for him to hide it from me. As for talking or even flirting (because where do you draw the line?), I'm not crazy about it but I guess as long as it doesnt go any further Im ok. He told me women have offered their number but he doesnt take them. Do you think what he's doing is ok?
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female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (21 June 2012):
 I think if he is seriously interested in you, he should be seriously interested in you and not go to bars where women are hitting on him. In my mind, bars offer nothing good to men or women who are in relationships. Then again, I am someone who has never been attracted to the bar scene for those reasons. People hit on you and I don't want to be constantly hit upon. If I want a drink, I will have one at a restaurant with a friend and/or purchase alcohol for home. With that being said, what is his attraction to the bar scene? He's either going to drink or have women hit on him. There really isn't any other reason to go. If he is not willing to see your perspective on this, you may have to leave becaue he will keep doing it and you will continue to be upset by it. He shouldn't be doing it, period.
A
female
reader, marjieex3 +, writes (20 June 2012):
What he is doing is FAR from okay. Do you think he would like if you did that to him? One day you go from work and come home very late and he asks where you were then you say just at a bar. I'm pretty sure he wouldn't feel so good because he didnt know where you were, and who you were with. You need to have a serious talk with him. Yes, he is not lying but hiding things is just as worse. Who knows what else he might hide because its not a big deal. I had the same issue and I talked about it with my beau and we cleared the air. He said he would not want me doing something like that so he wont do it either. He needs to learn to treat people the way he wants to be treated and you have to be the one to tell him!
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (20 June 2012):
 I think you have to tackle this from a step before, i.e. deciding if you are Ok with what he is : a charmer, a ladies'man,.. and what he does : flirting and switching on the charm just for fun.
Some people are like that- they like to be liked, and don't mean to go any further with their bar " conquests ". Which does not mean that their steady partner should be OK with that, or accept it blithely. Some people would say " as long as he comes home to me ", some others would feel that a man in a steady relationship should be more reserved and act more mature, without a constant need for ego stroking. Personal opinions.
If you accept that this is what he is, and you trust him not to take him any further than banter, you have to chill, back off and don't demand a blow-by-blow of every single moment of his day . In fact, what would you want him to tell you ?? " Darling, tonight I am going to a bar with my friends, and I am going to flirt with the girls I meet there roughly from 8.45 to 10.30 . I'll take a break, I'll flirt again from 11 to 11.30, then I'll come home . Oh, and I'll compliment these girls about their eyes or hair, but not about their breasts,don't worry. "
If you are not OK with this part of his personality and behaviour, you need to talk to him, calmly and seriously. Explain him WHY you don't like it, why you find it unacceptable /disrespectful, why you think it can undermine the stability and strength of your relationship.
Show him where you are coming from, and expect objections ; he is not obliged to see it your way. But if you both care, you can find a compromise, maybe you can be less apprehensive and controlling, or he can tune it down , and at least not flirt blatantly in front of you. Maybe he can find other means and ways to reassure you about his love and committment. Maybe you can go to couple therapy. When there's a will there's a way, and every problem finds a solution.
If instead he sees this as YOUR problem, and you will have to lump it or like it- then I am afraid it can't work.
Regardless of whether he is "entitled " to what he does , or not.
The problem in a couple is not who's right who's wrong, is how to get along regardless. If he is addicted to his flirty ways, and if you just can't accept that and it drives you nuts- then unluckily you are just not compatible enough to make it last.
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A
female
reader, Tinkz  +, writes (20 June 2012):
 My opinion, you have every right to be upset.
he doesn't need to tell you the details but why would he hide things from you unless he has something to hide.
Not telling you from time to time is ok, but its also a lack of respect. out of pure respect and common curtosy he should tell you where he is going.
I will be honest with you, i am the biggest flirt and also very friendly, but i tell my husband where i am going because he is my partner. if something should happen at least you will know where to find him.
unless there is something to hide and he is afraid that you will come and "check up" on him and find him doing something he shouldnt be doing, there should be no need to be hiding things from you.
what he is doing is not ok, and he is creating the jealousy!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2012): There is no black and white okay or not okay in this situation. But I don't think YOU'RE okay with it.
Ultimately you have to weigh what you like about him, what you don't like about him. Whether he's right for you in the long run. But understand he will never change.
This is just a comparison story, because I don't want to tell you what to do. I was in your situation before. I almost feel like I wrote this question. My boyfriend would always tell me he had a BIG personality. I think you and agree to call it something else. Anyway. I put up with it, but it was eating away at me. In the end, I broke it off with him, which was very very difficult. I don't regret it now though. There are men out there who are NOT like that at all.
If you can live with it because his good qualities are worth more to you than his bad, then stay and be happy. But if it's really making you unhappy and you don't like it, then please, leave now and find someone who matches you better because life is short. It's ultimately a decision you make about who is right for you, not what's right or wrong.
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A
female
reader, demeplev +, writes (20 June 2012):
 How long have you two been going out? are you exclusive? would he be opposed to you doing the same thing? If he wouldnt be okay with it then we have a problem..that would mean to me that he has ill intentions therefore any guy at a bar talking to you would also..hmmm also if he is okay with it it could mean one of two things, a) hes mature and really believes that people just mingle and can seperate or b) he doesnt want a serious relationship and is keeping his options open. Either way the best advice I can give what has been given to me and is hard to do for us womaen especially is...DO exactly what YOU want and have no regrets on the decsion..if you want to be loyaldo it but dont get upset if doesnt work out and say "I shouldve..." or follow his lead and do whatever keep your options open too and never put yourself last...tht would be my answer..I dont think her wants to be in serious or a LTR with you, I am sorry..because truthfully this is disrespectful behavior esp since its sounds like you are looking for an exclusive committed honest relationshio that doesnt include other women.. good luck peace and love
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