A
male
age
36-40,
*txi
writes:Hello everyone,I met this girl late last year, just intended to be friends at first and didn't want a relationship, but it didn't take long for her to impress me enough that I knew I had to have her.It didn't take long for us to hit it off, we went on a few mini-dates (just for a coffee or a drink before meeting people at the pub etc) and we started dating early March this year, she's very independent but things were really working.We are both very busy people so we didn't get loads of alone time but could always hang around in a group together (not attached at the hip together, as in both in the same room happily talking to different people). She has a lot of responsibilities including a pet dog (which I get along great with) and I recently got a new job, we also both socialise a lot with the same group of people.Anyway, out of the blue she said that something didn't feel right, about 7 weeks ago, and we broke up after a long chat.3 Weeks ago we had a chat to try and sort out what it was, she said that she finds me attractive, likes my company (as more than a friend, her words when I asked if she just liked me as a friend) and misses us as a couple, but that something didn't feel right. She doesn't know what, it's also what she told our mutual friends and I don't think she's lying.I personally think that she's over thought the relationship, we made a great couple, no disagreements, I can always make her laugh and she makes me smile. Even when we had the breakup and the talk after it only took me five minutes to make her laugh again. Some friends have said that the relationship meant more to her than she lets on.I've never argued the breakup with her, but I did let her know that I like her too much to be friends again.I respect her decision, but I'd rather try to see if it was a passing feeling on her behalf, or if it was something we could work through.I wish I understood how this can happen. And is there any chance of her coming back? I've been focussing on having fun with my mates rather than chasing her, trying to be the person she fell for and just being relaxed.Thanks for reading, I know I didn't make it very clear. :)
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male
reader, Itxi +, writes (20 June 2012):
Itxi is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you for the replies everyone :)
I hate to say though that you're probably all correct, I hate that two people can get along so well and yet it's still not enough :/
I am curious about the last comment though, I would like to know the details. To be honest I don't think she is lying (I did state to her I'd rather be told the truth than be lied to to save my feelings) and would lose a lot of respect for any woman that did lie to me to save my feelings, it's patronising and I hate being lied to.
But I would genuinely like to know please, I cannot myself understand how you can be attracted to someone and get along with them and yet have things not work. Obviously circumstance plays a big role and she has returned to uni and is under a lot of pressure, but the summer holidays are coming up and she's staying in the city still.
She has had a few relationships before and we have both had long-term ones (her last one was the long-term, 3 years but she broke it off because he was a bit too devout a christian. He was engaged about 1.5 years ago to a new girl about 6 months after my ex broke up with him, so I think it got to her) But her words were "I really want to date you, but something doesn't feel right and I don't know what it is" So I don't think it's that I'm not what she's looking for.
She said that when she was dating this guy she didn't get a lot of alone time with him either (slightly more obviously) But that that's just how she is. I'll be honest I didn't mind, it felt right because we did have very close moments when we were out with people, she would come up to me for hugs and kisses etc, and we danced together. In fact she was like that the night we broke up. (she said that she knew she shouldn't have been but she enjoys it)
As for the relationship getting to her more than I thought. I mean that she's very good at putting on a front to hide how she feels. (everyone knows this about her) But I (still) am someone she finds attractive and enjoys spending time with, and I was very good to her, so it meant a lot to her even though it didn't work out from what I've been told.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2012): That'something' she talks about is that special mysterious factor, you can't define it, maybe it's chemistry. I know what she means. If it's not there for her, as much as she likes you in many ways, it's unlikely that she sees an ongoing relationship as possible. So try to accept it and move on.
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (20 June 2012):
Well, how could you make it clear? It’s a confusing situation because she hasn’t been at all specific about why she broke it off. She doesn’t sound deceitful or manipulative from the way you describe her in your post, so that’s probably because she can’t put this feeling in to words herself. I’m sure she’d like to, to understand it better herself, let alone to give you the explanation you deserve. It’s possible that the relationship did mean more to her than you assume, maybe she’s worried about getting hurt if it gets serious, maybe things were moving too fast for her, maybe there is just some sense that you’re not “the one” for her that won’t go away. Either way, I’d suggest that you try and wrap this up either way by having a conversation with her. Explain that you would like to try again if you can figure out what the problem was. Maybe offer her some suggestions, such as asking her whether things were moving too fast and anything else you can think of, maybe that will be the push she needs to start talking and explaining what’s going on. Ask her outright whether she thinks this is something that could be overcome if certain changes were made, assuming you’d be happy with them too. If not, tell her that you need to move on and keep a distance as you can’t go back to just being friends, and wish her well. Then be consistent and keep that distance. I’d only suggest doing this once. You can’t wait forever for some-one who might never change how they feel. Once you’ve done this, if there’s no chance you need to accept it and, because it will be painful at first, go your separate ways.
I wish you all the very best.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2012): Did u actually clarify what exactly didn't feel right to her? She knows what it is, I'm sure of that. But I have an impression that you are still in a fog and don't know what is that thing that doesn't feel right to her.
The fact that you didn't spend so much time together but always with other people is alarming, as couples especially in a beginning tend to isolate themselves from the crowd as feeling is new and just two of them is enough for them.
You also said she thought more of the relationship than it was, what do you mean by that? It's unclear. If it means that she was looking at it more seriously than u, than may be that's what didn't feel right to her.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2012): I think if you've had all these chats about it, you'll have to accept that this is it, it's the end.
It doesn't seem like she knows why exactly, or she does know why and she's not telling you. I've been in the same situation, as the girl who told the guy that it just wasn't going to work out. I'm telling you, that I really liked this guy, I had so much fun with him, he made me smile, our personalities matched, etc. But in the end, I knew I couldn't be with him long term. I won't go into details here (the exact reasons why), but I KNEW this. And of course I didn't tell him the details or the real reasons why, it would hurt him unnecessarily. All I told him was that I couldn't see us long term, and while he asked for specifics and asked me questions, I knew I was never going to tell him the real reasons why, so I just kept saying that I just didn't see us long term.
Maybe she's doing the same thing.
Yeah, maybe she'll come back. Was this her first relationship? Has she had experience? Dated enough guys to know what she wants? If yes, then seriously, I would move on. For your own sanity and health. Enjoy what you had, but move on. The balls in her court and if she wants you back, she'll come and look for her, but don't wait around.
If I wanted that guy back, I'd go and find him. I wouldn't expect him to come find me. And if he kept pushing it and pursuing me while I wanted to get away, it would bother me. Let her be and live your life.
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