A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend has been sleeping over every Saturday for the past 4 months. This is embarrasing, but I have a lot of difficulty having an orgasm. I don't know why. I am fine with it not happening for me, but he always insists on making sure it does. This involves a considerable amount of time and effort on his part. I feel so guilty (which adds to the problem, no doubt). I know this has to bother him. Tonight, for the first time, he brought me home and didn't stay. He said he didn't feel very good (and he really didn't look like he felt good). Still, a part of me thinks that he is tired of all the work that sex has turned out to be. I have told him that he doesn't need to do all that. And he has never let me do anything for him (oral sex)--even though I have told him I would like to. After we have intercourse, he finishes things for me by hand. I know this is really TMI, and I'm sorry!! I just don't know what to do. I feel terrible that he didn't sleep over tonight--I even told him if he wanted to just sleep (and we'd stay dressed), I would like to sleep with him. I just feel terrible and so alone now.Do you think the sex problem could be part of the reason he didn't stay? And I can't help thinking that maybe this is the beginning of the end. We never see each other during the week, so I will have to wait until next Saturday to find out if he still won't sleep over. I know I probably sound pathetic--but I am so tired of being alone, and I don't want to live alone the rest of my life. It's so nice to have someone you love beside you at night and wake up with them in the morning. It just hurts that he doesn't want that.
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male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (20 June 2010):
 Thanks for writing back.
Oh yeah, you are going to have to break him out of the routine. You have got to shake him up. He may be a robot, but you are not. Actually getting into a routine is very comforting for guys. You just need to convince him that the 4th Saturday of each month is your turn.
You may not be able to call him when you want but you can count on him calling on time. There are some advantages to a regimented fellow. Usually it works just to schedule yourself in. I am glad to hear that you two talk every other day. I just wish it was taking more of your loneliness away.
FA
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2010): You sound very anxious for really nothing. I am sure he just didn't feel well.What in my mind a little strange for me is your sex life. You can't orgazm w/him only because you cant relax enough. Why?Does he do oral sex for you? How does he try to make you have an orgazm?I never seen a man in my life who doesn't like oral sex. why he never lets you do that? Men love it and cant get enough of it.It's ussualy the other way around when women are reluctant to do it.Women are a lot of work, it's not just you, this is how god created us. It takes us a long time to relax and orgazm. Your man knows it and tries, you really should not tell him, that he doesn't have to do it. Men love when their partner in bed is pleased w/him. Thta's like an accomplishment for them. Of-course there are men out there who couldn't care less about a woman. You re lucky you didn't get on e of those.there is no reason for u to be that anxious. Wait and see, but i am sure you guys are fine, just relax. Keep us posted what happened next weekend
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2010): To answer--yes, we are exclusive. I have had no reason not to trust him. It is really strange, though, that he only wants to see me on Saturday nights. And yes--he is VERY regimented, very much a victim of habit. He has lived alone for 10 years. I think he likes his "alone" time. And yes--I am horribly lonely (which doesn't make sense, really). I was very lonely before we met. Then, for a while, I was ecstatically happy for a while to have met someone. Then when my feelings for him grew and the relationship still was just once a week, I became (and still am) miserable. I am SO happy when I get to see him on Saturday...and completely miserable the rest of the week when I don't. I almost feel more lonely than I did when I didn't have anyone. I thought maybe it was a financial issue--he is working reduced hours because of the economy (and he lives abt 25 minutes away). But I don't think so.
Last week, for the 1st time, I dropped by his house. He was very nice to me, and we sat outside on his porch, but he didn't invite me in. I think there is an issue there about his house not being cleaned up. I didn't stay long, because he was getting ready to go running (part of his routine) and I felt I was interrupting. I have been to his house a couple of times, but he seems really embarrassed that it is not cleaned up.
As far as being regimented--wow, he really is. He calls me on the same nights each week (usually at about the same time). He does talk to me at least an hour on the nights he calls (Sun, Tue, Thurs, & Friday). I can never get him if I call. He only has a home phone, and I just have to leave a message. It's really not fair--he can call me anytime he likes and I am just a call away since I have a cell phone. For me, however, he is very far away and I just have to wait for him to call.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (20 June 2010):
I'm in your age range, and I can think of several reason related to not feeling well that I wouldn't want to sleep over. I mean who wants to be seen at their worst. Waking up every hour for very noisy bathroom trips for one example. Perhaps he was feeling incapable of getting an erection and didn't want to face that. Whatever the reason it is always best to take his words at face value until you have evidence that some other meaning is intended.
About the sexual difficulty. He is being very courteous and doing what he has been taught. Your level of need is a new experience for him. Like you, he doesn't quite fully understand that your emotional/sexual needs are different than his. Let me point out some areas of confusion.
He needs to have an orgasm every time. He thinks you do as well.
You want to spend the night every time. To him it is just a convenience. To you it IS the main event.
He enjoys bring you to an orgasm. He doesn't understand that you would enjoy bringing him to an orgasm.
The good news is that neither of you is selfish in bed. You are both willing to go the extra mile for the other. That will be important in moving to the next level. Four months is about the right time to introduce something new. Either next Saturday, or the one after that, if you need another week to be sure he is still into you, tell him that you want to plan the date, All he will need to do is make sure he brings his toothbrush. When you get to bed make sure he understands that you are still in charge. I wouldn't force the oral issue at first. There is some stigma attached, and that may be what is putting him off. Just tell him that you like to watch him. Wear something nice that will keep his interest on you. get him undressed and comfortable and start working on him. The idea is to get him as close to orgasm as possible. While you are doing it make sure you complement him and let him know how much you are enjoying his reactions to your play. If he tries to get his hands into your pants tell him that it is your turn to be in charge and if he won't behave you will have to tie those naughty hands down. When he is very close, slide your panties aside and finish him off. Then turn off the light and cuddle up for sleep.
In my opinion that will effectively communicate to him that you don't need an orgasm to be fulfilled. I'm guessing that you are not used to being aggressive. You don't have to be all the time just every now and again to make sure you are getting what you need and to make sure he isn't getting bored.
Sometimes good communication needs pictures and demonstrations. For now a text that you sure missed him Sunday morning, and you hope he is feeling better, would be appropriate.
FA
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A
male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (20 June 2010):
 There's a chance you could be over-thinking this. At the end of the day- it was just ONE night. It just sucks that it was the one night of the week that you get to stay with him.
If he starts turning down staying overnight next week, that's when you might want to have a chat with him about whats up.
Best of luck :)
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A
female
reader, Myrrh  +, writes (20 June 2010):
 Hello. If he said he didnt feel right and he looked awful, im sure he was telling the truth. I expect he just wanted to crawl back to the cave and go to sleep. No bed is as good as our own when we feel poorly. Im just wondering why you werent invited to join him at his home though, so you could administer some TLC! If you dont mind me saying so, he sounds a little regimented in his ways. You only get to "stand by your bed" one night a week? So unless you spend all day Sundays in bed too. Its going to take a while to connect sexually. The added pressure of trying to achieve an orgasm quickly. Because you are polite and dont want to keep him waiting, cant help! Its strange that he insists on you having one every time and isnt listening to you when you say its ok. Even stranger that hes not interested in receiving oral sex. Unless hes not keen on giving it, so he declines because he doesnt want to return the favour. You need to ask him what gives and why hes not listening to you or exploring. You sound achingly lonely and thats not right when you have someone. I get the feeling this set up suits him but its not suiting you so well. The sexual problems will be linked to that. Is there any possibility of spending more time together? Because it sounds as if he needs to have a lot more physical contact with you. You may not want to confront him and be blunt because you are frightened it will drive him away. But if he cant be flexible and you arent as happy with things as you should be. You really need to talk to him about it x
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (20 June 2010):
 Don't overthink things. If your relationship is generally good and you have noticed no other signs of he distancing himself, that he did not stay does not mean anything in particular. Maybe he was really not feeling good. Maybe he wa tired and wanted to sleep in his own bed ,that night ( after 40, occasionally a good night of sleep,occcasionallly,beats the tenderness and intimacy of sleeping together ).
It is true , though, that same man make sex into a semi-ordeal because they just can't accept that a woman not always will reach orgasm punctual like clockwork, no matter howmuch she likes him, and even less thay can accept the concept that sex can be fulfilling and gratifyng for the woman also without the final fireworks.
Maybe you should try explain him that calmly and serenely, and work more on establishing a bond of mutual trust and emotional closeness ( bpowerful ingredients for orgasm ), than purely on the "mechanics " of sex.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2010): Well no one can predict what he will do next Saturday, but there's one thing you can do by yourself is teach yourself to orgasm with your fingers or maybe a dildo. I'm 28 and it took me several years into my relationship to learn how to do this and often I felt bad because my partner is also like yours, insistent that I have an orgasm. Once you learn how to do it it's really not hard. Just learn how to stimulate to orgasm the clit area that is below the pointy button part, and is extending toward the vaginal opening. It's a tragedy that learning to have an orgasm is such a difficulty for many women, but I stand as someone who was in your shoes before and found out how incredibly easy it can be to outgrow those shoes simply by taking the time to work your way through a session with YOURSELF.
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