A
female
age
41-50,
*tar_1977
writes:I've been having sex with him for three months. I'm married, he's single.I fell hard for him and he knows it. Despite knowing my feelings, he still wanted to meet me and have contact with me. He told me he'll never become attached to a married woman, and he'll never admitted it either.Last time I saw him he seemed to be struggling with his feelings, like something had changed. He looked me differently, with love.I think he may have been terrorized by this feelings. He didn't call me anymore. I haven't contacted him either, this was three days ago.My question is: do I give him some space or I should call him? I'm afraid if I don't call him, he'll never do it (I was the one looking for him always).And: Could it be that he now wants to stop seeing me because he knows he's developing feelings for me?Thank you.
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female
reader, Starlasart +, writes (23 March 2013):
 Dear star_1977Have you spoken to your husband? Not about the affair but about your relationship with him? Have you spoken to the man you love about possible starting a long term relationship? If you are unhappy it is not fair to you or your husband to keep a marriage going. Take some time and concentrate on how you feel and then make your next move. Only you know how you feel about your situation and only you can make the final choice!
A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (23 March 2013):
 sweetheart, don't get the divorce because of this guy. get the divorce because that's clearly what you need, regardless of this man.
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A
female
reader, star_1977 +, writes (22 March 2013):
star_1977 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe contacted me by text. this is so difficult, I wish he would be willing to have something more with me, I wouldn't hesitate to get the divorce then. this is a nightmare.
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A
female
reader, star_1977 +, writes (22 March 2013):
star_1977 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe contacted me by text. this is so difficult, I wish he would be willing to have something more with me, I wouldn't hesitate to get the divorce then. this is a nightmare.
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A
female
reader, Read-the-signs  +, writes (22 March 2013):
You have taken a predictable bashing from the aunts and uncles but I know you are one unhappy woman looking for something. Your marriage isn't working, you hoped to find what you were missing with this other man and now he looks to have cooled off. I just want you to stop and take a breather and set yourself on the right track to real lasting happiness. This may be a painful process and may involve some period of being single but you will get there in the end. You can't carry on living like this, it's stressful and it's harming you.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (22 March 2013):
 I like what the very wise Aunty BimBim has said. IF he loved you he would fight for you and beg you to leave your husband for him. He’s not doing that.
You follow up with “this is a difficult situation” but it’s not Star. YOU are the one with feelings… and he picked up on it and because he does not want a full relationship with you (just sex) he’s gone. I mean after all think of this… if man wanted a full. Relationship with a woman why in the world would he pick a married woman to have an affair with? She’s taken… she’s safe. Then she goes and falls in love with him and wants him and he does not want to be had so he goes POOF….
You say you don’t love your husband and are willing to get a divorce… MAKE IT SO. Set your husband free and move on… not with this affair partner who is not interested in anything more than sex but eventually you can find a partner you love fully mind body and soul.
You say “I'm sure he was developing new feelings, he just got scared” but I think you have it backwards… YOU were developing feelings and he picked up on it and he’s GONE. Cause that was NOT what he wanted. YOU broke the rule.. married women don’t leave their husbands. You would do so… that was never part of your deal with him…
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (22 March 2013):
 1. You should gt a divorce, but NOT because you want to be with this guy. You don't love or respect your husband/marriage, so why stay? Because you don't want to be alone? That isn't fair on your husband or yourself.
2. I think you are reading MORE into his behavior, because that is what YOU WANT and what you HOPE for. Chances are that he felt a pang of guilt/remorse or maybe had a little "chat" with his morals.
3. IF you did divorce your husband and lived with this guy, so you think he would stick it out long term? Do you think he could trust you? Could you trust him?
If you don't want to leave your husband, you need to talk to him. You need to work on that instead of going outside the marriage. That NEVER fixes anything. It might scratch an itch but that is about it.
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A
female
reader, star_1977 +, writes (22 March 2013):
star_1977 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThis is a difficult situation, I know this. I don't love my husband, I love HIM. I tried to break with him several times but the attraction is stronger. I'm willing to get a divorce, but I don't think he will be there for me.
I'm sure he was developing new feelings, he just got scared and I will probably don't hear from him anymore. I'm not going to contact either, I don't want to feel miserable anymore. On the other hand, knowing I'm not gonna see him anymore makes me deeply sad.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (22 March 2013):
 Do I think he loves you?...Nope
Do I think he has backed off because you mentioned feelings?...Yep
The guy is using you for sex my dear. He has told you that he would never become attached, so even if he did feel something, he has done what he said he would do...he's dissapeared.
Men who have a woman to provide 'no strings sex' are very happy to carry on with the arrangement as long as 'feelings' don't get in the way.
It makes no difference if he feels something for you because you are not free anyway and men usually do not pursue what is not available.
You are a pair of open legs with a kind word...a free prostitute, if you like...sorry but that is the truth.
Forget him and move on.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (22 March 2013):
 This is wishfull thinking on your part, he has already told you he is not interested in becoming attached to a married woman.
I very much doubt he has been terrorised with feelings of love for you, if he loved you he would be begging you to stay, he would be doing everything in his power to get you to leave your husband, he certainly would not be ignoring you for three days.
It's a harsh lesson to learn, but you need to accept you have been used for sex only, no love, none at all.
I don't know why you felt the need to look for sex outside your marriage, but it you are not satisfied in your marriage and are not having your needs met within it, maybe you need to consider giving your husband his freedom to find somebody who will love him, as it seems unfair to him to be married to a woman who looks elsewhere to have her sexual needs met.
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (22 March 2013):
well my ultimate advice is to tell you to leave each other alone and focus on your husband. i know, typical, right? either that or put all of your effort into getting a divorce so that the next single guy you meet, you stand a chance with, rather than him being afraid to commit to you because of your relationship status. but since you're clearly not really interested in that, i suppose i'll do my best at answering your questions (although i HIGHLY suggest one of these two).
it's quite possible this guy just saw you as a hook up. he knew going into this that you were married, so he knew feelings could never be involved. is it possible he started to develop them? anything is possible. there's really no telling. but either way, he's decided that he can't have anything with you anymore. whether it's because he got what he wanted out of you already - sex - and is now moving on, or because he got scared of his feelings.
bottom line is that he's moving on. and so should you. so should you call him? no. once again, resort back up to options A and B. lol.
best of luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2013): Well this isn't fair. You're committing adultery. No one held a gun to your head and forced you to get married. You had a choice, once you've made your choice you should abide by it. Instead of cheating, you should leave. No one deserves to feel like less than a person. Would you like it if it was done to you? Yes, I'm sure you would love it. The world today is messed up. This would have been frowned upon in the olden day society, like in the 1800s. Now it's perfectly acceptable to cheat on your husband and fall in love with someone else.
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A
female
reader, Starlasart +, writes (22 March 2013):
Dear star_1977, I have found that there are six different kinds of affairs. I think it may be easier if we can define which you would fall into and go from there. The "It's-Only-Lust" Affair. The most common, it's mostly about sex. It can feel really intense, but it's also the quickest to flame out. The "I'll-Show-You" Affair. The second most common type. It is mostly about revenge. Having an affair with the other half's friend or best friend and makes it easy to be found out.The "Just-In-The-Head" Affair. Can you call it an affair if the "lovers" don't have sex? YES. Kissing, Cuddling, Sleeping together without intercourse, even making out but no actual sex.The "All-In-The-Family" Affair. One of the partners would have an affair with the other partners family member, be it their mother/father, Brother/Sister, Cousin, Niece/nephew... Ect.The "It's-Not-Really-An-Affair" Affair. We humans are experts at creating illusions for ourselves. In this affair one party is available but the other isn't. The available partner believes that the other really will leave his or her spouse, given enough time and patience.The "Mind-Body"Affair. Here's the most dangerous one of all for the lovers' existing relationships. It's so powerful because it feels so complete -- emotionally, sexually, intellectually, spiritually. By acknowledging that an affair means you're living a lie in some form, you have a greater chance to deal with the emotional and practical consequences of the affair in a healthier way. And there are plenty of consequences -- for yourself, your children, your existing relationship. But if you fool yourself about the reasons for your affair and what it may set in motion, you can squander irreplaceable years, trapped within illusions and rationalizations. When it all comes crashing down, loneliness and emptiness may be all that remains. That's why I advocate awareness at the outset: You can become more conscious of your actions, and use that awareness to deal maturely with their consequences. Or yes, you can remain unconscious...but then you still have to deal with the consequences!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2013): None of that matters. You are married, he knows that and you need to let this go.
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