A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm just getting back in to the dating game, and decided to sign up for an online dating site to meet new men. A couple months ago, this guy (I'll call him "Brad") emailed me and we started chatting. Then a week later, we exchanged numbers and started texting. The first week, he texted me almost constantly, and then as time went on, the texting slowed down (which I knew would happen, because you can't text that much with someone you haven't met yet). Regardless, Brad still texts me at least 2-3 times every week. About a month ago, he asked me to hang out that same day, but I already had plans, so I had to decline. He was disappointed but didn't seem overly bothered by it. We continued to text on and off for the next couple of weeks, and then I asked him to hang out. Unfortunately, he wasn't feeling well, and he declined my invite (he said he was having severe back pains--when I texted the next day to see how he was, he didn't respond. However, he responded the following day to let me know he was doing better). Since then, no mention has been made of making any more plans. However, I'm really confused. He always initiates the text messages, which makes me think he is interested. And last week, when he broke his phone, he sent me an email to tell me he'd broken his phone but would have it back in a couple days. Then when he got his phone back, he texted me to let me know. On a side note, I will say that we have sexted probably 4-5 times during the last two months. I'm not sure if this will influence anyone's answers, but thought I should throw that in there. However, the majority of our texts are about movies or current events, or about happenings in our daily lives. In addition, when we first started texting, he was always telling me how none of the women online were his type (guess I'm not sure what that is), that he isn't into "skanks", and he has told me numerous times that he 'loves me' (jokingly) when I text him something funny.I've been out of the "dating game" for almost 10 years. Before that, I'd never really dated outside of people I already knew, so this is all new territory for me. Here are my questions:-Why hasn't he asked me to hang out again?-I know he is active on 2 dating sites and is on them almost daily. So, is he just keeping me around as "back up" girl now?-He's currently out of a job, and a bit depressed, so am I just someone to talk to? Or someone to "pass the time with"?I don't know where I stand right now. Is he just wasting my time? I don't have any other prospects, so it's not like I'm turning away other men right now because of him. But I'm really confused...
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (24 March 2013):
 Right... thanks for the update...
remember if you meet online, and they are serious about having a relationship even if you are a couple of hours apart by car, they should want to meet fairly quickly...
those that are only having fun or wasting time... will text, and email and make excuses.
IF after a month of online talk and text he's not asked to meet you... MOVE ON... (yes there will be exceptions to the rule there always are but basically, serious men who want a relationship will not waste your time.)
the problem is that some may seem overly aggressive... it's a fine line I guess.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your responses--I greatly appreciate everyone's input!Shortly after I wrote this, we discussed meeting again (I brought it up) and he said he felt I had "rejected" him before so he was afraid to ask again. However, after making plans to meet, he canceled on me just a few hours prior to the date because he claimed he hadn't "slept well" the night before. Ironic...for someone who has no job, he could have taken a nap at any point in the day...but I digress. He apologized for bailing but I decided that he's just not worth my time. He's got a lot of emotional issues to work through right now and I don't want to be left wondering where I stand forever. I really do think I've fallen into the potential booty call category, unfortunately. Time to forget him and move on to someone who is actually looking for a relationship and not going to waste my time in getting there. Thanks!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2013): That's not on-line dating...that's connecting with someone that you will likely never meet. Just let it go.
And since you did put it out there and you didn't use your god given brain on this one....I'm putting on my concerned Mom hat here to remind you that when you exchange emails and texts with a complete stranger for that length of time, you are opening yourself up to a world of trouble if you get mixed up with the wrong one. These people can be anyone they want to be behind a computer screen and especially for a women, you need to be seriously cautious and computer smart what you say to these people. And sexting? Come on...unless you are living under a rock with all the information out there on this, sexting a complete stranger is just plain stupid and irresponsible.
This guy may have been for real, but he is jobless and spending his time on the computer connecting with women, instead of looking for a job...he's a deadbeat loser, don't engage anymore.
If you are really iterested in meeting someone to go on a date with or a potential relationship, go on a reputable dating site and within the first few weeks, you should make plans to meet up in person in a public place. If there is a mutual physical and intellectual attraction, then you go from there. If the guy is dragging his feet and not initiating a meeting date, by all means, make that first move. It's not pushy, it's weeding out the real guys from the sitting behind the computer screen creepers. If he's really interested, he will not hesitate or cancel unless there is a legitimate reason, and he immediately reschedules. Don't spend all that kind of time texting. Email, text and then voice to voice conversation is a must to make plans to meet. If either of you cannot do this, you need to work on your social skills a bit. Real relationships cannot bloom or thrive on electronics.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (22 March 2013):
While he may be interested once I got to “he asked me to hang out that same day, but I already had plans, so I had to decline. He was disappointed but didn't seem overly bothered by it.” I knew it was not serious for him.
Serious men ask you to go out in person at least 3 days in advance. They don’t’ ask at the last minute if they want more than just friends or a booty call. Asking to hang out the same day slots you in the “buddy” category IMO.
IF you are close enough distance wise to text and ask to hang out the same day, and you haven’t met within a few weeks then it’s a time waster for the most part.
IF you want more than a casual texting relationship with a man I don't think he's the guy for the job.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (22 March 2013):
 **QUOTE** -He's currently out of a job, and a bit depressed, so am I just someone to talk to? Or someone to "pass the time with"?
That could be part of it. But the fact that he bothered to e-mail when he phone broke and call you when he got it back tells me he is interested, though not HOW interested he is.
How far from each other do you live? What would meeting up involve? A plane-ride, car-ride ?
You say it's ALWAYS him initiating contact. So how interested in him are YOU? Maybe it slowed down because he felt he was doing all the moves/contact?
The whole, skanks and women online thing, kind of bother me. For 2 reasons, he had NO problem sexitng with you but in the same breath tells you he can't find his lady-love online because all the ones online are skanks? So how does he see you?
I would try and find a way to met up, if it doesn't involve a lot of travel.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2013): He's wasting ur time.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2013): He's not wasting your time, but until YOU ask to see him, you're probably wasting yours texting.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2013): On the Internet you can be anyone!You sound like a lovely genuine person, but something about this man is ringing alarm bells with me. ? He broke his phone or was there a reason he didn't want you to tx for a certain amount of time.I know I guy who e mailed and tx a lady for literally years, and when eventually he gave an ultimatum to force meeting up, she was 10years older and 3stone heavier than her on line self! The meet was her being bitter and angry at herself, and left him relieved to be able to move on and seek a relationship that wasn't based on lie's and fantasies.I would extract yourself from this man, take a break from the dating sites and devote your time to a new hobby or interest where you can meet people and take them at face value. Remember to protect yourself a little and wish you lots of luck x
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