A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Today has been a bad day for me. I found out that my boyfriend is in jail again. I looked up his record because I was wondering why I have not heard from him in 2 days and that's how I found out. Its not like him to not talk to me for two days.Then his baby's mom emailed me today, it was the first time we talked ever. Then she sent me her number and was wondering where he was too. I called her and told her about him being in jail. And then she told me he has been sleeping with her and told her he loved her. We talked for about an hour about both of our encounters with him. I was completely shocked, I was fooled and thought he was a good guy. And he proposed to me on Monday and I still got the engagement ring. I really wanted us to be a family and I thought he really loved me. Me and the baby's mom are supposed to be meeting up and going down to the jail to visit him soon. I want to hear his side of the story, but at the same time I want to break up with him. I don't trust him right now. Should I try to open up my ears and listen to his side of the story ? I'm ready to leave and the only thing that will make me stay is if he truly commits to me and stop whatever he is doing with her. But I don't see that happening. Now whenever he is not with me, I'm wondering if he's with her.I'm about three months pregnant. I wanted our baby to have a family not some single parent crap. I don't want to be another single black mom and having stereotypes thrown at me. But I'm so angry right now, I want to take all my love away from him. I'm trying to graduate from college in December and becoming a first time mom and I really don't need this stress right now. Thank you for anyone who listened.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2013): I know you dont want an abortion but.... are you sure? maybe some pregnancy counselling (non judgemental and non biased) might help you, and it will also help you plan things right for if you decide to keep the baby/when it is born. I hope you have supportive friends/family, God bless
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2013): I'm still really just lost over this.Thanks for all your answers. I'm still hurt, but calm just a little that I got it out there and written down. I got some sleep and am thinking a new way about the situation. I don't want to go down to the jail to see him anymore. I don't want to see him, I'm not going to believe anything he says. I wrote down everything I wanted to say to him, let all my anger out. I'm going to mail that to him while he's in there since I don't know how long he's going to be in there this time. So when he gets out, he'll know that I'm done. I don't want an abortion.Yes I will be another black single mom, but carrying this baby is keeping me happy right now.
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female
reader, Read-the-signs  +, writes (22 March 2013):
The best thing that could happen here is if you both leave the rogue well alone, become friends and that the kids become lifelong friends, seeings as they are half siblings. The worst thing that could happen is that you two girls fight over this unworthy bloke, fall out, and you end up with no man, no new friend and no relationship between the kids.
If you can possibly do it, aim for the best thing as above. There will be other men, wait for a good one.
Good luck.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (22 March 2013):
 See I’m the ONLY One who wants to see his face when Baby Mama ONE and the current GF show up together… I want to see him squirm and try to LIE his way out of this one.
OP, there is nothing wrong with being a single mom if it means you are NOT subjecting yourself to abuse and lies and cheating. YOU want to raise your child the best way possible and that means if you stay with this lying cheater you will teach your child that HIS behavior is acceptable.
You say your boyfriend is in jail AGAIN…. Once is a mistake AGAIN makes him a repeat offender.
If you are ready to leave then his side of the story does not matter. He will give you sweet words and lies… he’s clearly already schooled at lying as he’s had you fooled for how long that you were his one and only?
Also I know you want to graduate in December but that means classes and stuff right around the time you are giving birth and getting acclimated to new baby.. If you can do it, take the next semester OFF. Being a parent the first time is hard… doing it alone will be harder. Enlist the help of family and friends so you don’t go back to baby daddy. Get a family attorney so you can sue for child support and all things due your child from this man.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2013): I don't think you want to leave at all and are still in love with him. Going to the jail with the baby mama to hear his side of the story is just such a no no. You are demeaning yourself by even thinking of doing that. We are not on some TV drama to get good ratings- this is real life and you can make it go whichever way you want it to. What would he say - he would say that it has all been a mistake, that the baby mama is lying because she wants him back etc etc - the list is endless. Don't go to the jail, be pleasant to the baby mama and just move on.
You say you don't want to be stereotyped in any way, well being with a man in jail who already has a baby mama and who lies to you and is not married to you sadly makes you about to be another baby mama the very thing you don't want to be. You are near the end of your education which will set you up for life. If you have family who will look after the baby while you finish your studies then that would be really helpful. You really need to think if you can manage on your own with a baby because that is what it is going to be. This chap probably has other girlfriends as well - he appears to sadly be very stereotypical - and you can just go on and do so much better.
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female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (22 March 2013):
 Don't visit him with his other girlfriend, she has her own agenda, don't become part of that, it has all the hallmarks of an ugly scene in the making.
You know, deep in your guts, that he is not going to commit himself to you only, he is in jail, he is a cheat, are you sure this is who you want to be the father of your children?
My advise is to walk, determine to graduate from college, it's going to be tough but is not impossible, and build a decent life for yourself and your child. Yes, you have a lot of stereotypes to fight against, it's going to be a lot tougher for you than for many others, but I repeat, not impossible.
Set your sights on your star and go for it, no need to try and drag the jailbird along with you, because no matter what happens, because he already has a child and is cheating on you with it's mother, that child and mother will always be hanging on being dragged along with him. That's too heavy a burden, let it go, and him too.
Good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2013): Hon, you’re in a very tough spot. Three months pregnant, the father is in jail, and another woman he’s made a baby with tells you he’s been seeing her too.
You’ve said that finishing college is in your near future. Kiddo, letting a bad-news guy get in the way of that is just so wrong. You are so close to a gateway, college graduation, where nothing but hard work and a bit of good luck can put you into a new world of opportunity. My advice – accept you made a mistake, put this guy out of your life forever, and have an abortion. You said you don’t want to be another single black mom with stereotypes – you don’t need to! You are so close to being an amazing black woman role model by graduating and succeeding! Holding on to this loser is what will make you the stereotype you do NOT want to be.
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reader, llifton +, writes (22 March 2013):
 hey sweetie. i'm so sorry to hear about this bad news. i know that's more than a little overwhelming and shocking all for one days time.
one thing i think you need to think about before you decide to stay with him is that this other woman is bound to your lives permanently because he shares a baby with her. normally a huge factor in forgiving cheating is the condition that the person will never, under any circumstance, see the person they cheated with ever again. in this case, that's not possible. is this something you're willing and capable of dealing with?
i think you should hear him out. but not until you take a bit of time to calm down and get your head on straight. you've just gotten a lot dumped on your shoulders all of a sudden. just the other day you thought you were engaged and having a baby with a loving man. now you're a potential single mother with a cheating ex. that's a lot to take in. i wouldn't speak to him until you were in a calmer place.
you never said what he's in jail for. what crime did he commit? and how long is he going to be there? do you know yet? if the crime is bad enough, are you sure you want to have a person like that raising your child? or even around him/her at all? and are you sure you want a person like that in your life?
you've got a lot to think about right now. have a think on it for a while and then approach him. best of luck. you'll get it all figured out.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2013): I totally agree with mishmash, 100%
don't go to the jail & visit him with his other lady, have more dignity than getting involved in that drama. Hold out for someone who deserves you.
Good Luck and look after yourself
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2013): I hope you have a good education or make it your business to get one. The guy is a total loser and don't even begin to think he can offer you a good life or be a father to your child. The odds are against this, from what you've written.
Prepare to take care of yourself and your child.
If you didn't want to be considered another stereotype or statistic, you would have considered safe sex. A condom not only prevents unwanted pregnancy; but the spread of STD's. This guy was sleeping around. Get an HIV test.
You will spend the rest of your life competing with another woman and her child for child-support from this poor excuse of a man. Any man can make a baby, not all men can be a father. He has little to no earning potential (he's been to jail), and doesn't care about you. You were just another girl in the sack to him. You've been played, my dear.
What could a man in jail whose been sleeping with another woman while with you have to say in his defense? What other side could there be to this situation that would be of any substance or use to you and your unborn child?
Please remove yourself from this situation and do your best to prepare for your baby and how YOU will take care of the two of you. It's certainly up to you if you want this man in your child's life. My bet is that he will disappear and neither you nor baby's mama #1 will ever be able to keep up with him. He'll probably spend most of his life in and out of jail anyway.
Write it off to poor judgement, but look forward not backward. Being a single mother is no crime nor a shame.
I hope you'll become a stronger and wiser woman. Should you choose to keep your baby, I hope you'll be a great mother.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2013): If you're "ready to leave", you've already left. I think you've already answered that question yourself. It's not going to work out with him, from what you've said, he will always be a disappointment to you. He's tainted whatever future you hoped for with him. That does not mean that the future you hoped for isn't possible...it just won't be with him. You will be miserable and angry for a while about this guy...but I wouldn't wait around expecting a happy ending.
The two things left that seem to be important to you are a future family and an education. You've got to make a decision how you'll get those two things. It's probably easier if you finished school first and then had children. You could do both at the same time if you have family to help you out with taking care of the kid. I don't know how you feel about abortion, but it's an option to simplify a lot your worries about your future. If I were in your shoes, I'd consider it.
Whatever you do, remember your own longterm interests in this. This man likely won't be part of your future if he's in jail. But your education and a child could be. Maybe it's not so bad if you want to take all your love away from him, you sound like you could use more of it on yourself.
Best of luck and I do hope you have a better day.
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