A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I understand rejection happens to all of us at some point, but damn I've been rejected twice in the past two months for the first time in my life. I'm trying to reevaluate where I might have messed up, or maybe it's not something I did, it's just me that they don't like, period. The first guy, I truly just wanted to hook up with. I guess he discovered I could be valuable in the future to contribute to a business he wanted to start up so he said no and decided to just be friends strictly. I treated him like gold, our friendship was going well, but then I bought him an expensive birthday gift (which I regret now) and he's been MIA ever since.I've done so much for him and have been nothing but kind, and then bam....gone completely.The second guy rejected me because of my age but honestly did not give me a chance what so ever. He just flat out said I was too young. Do you think rejection hurts worse than being cheated on?Rejection hurts like hell...I've been cheated on yes, and that hurt too, but it's something about the act of being rejected, that feeling of not being wanted at all by a person that really tugs at my heart strings, and not even given a chance..When I was cheated on, I was more mad than hurt...I was mad that I had wasted time on this person who I thought was being faithful...I could get over it though very quickly...What do you guys think?And should I stop being so nice to men?As a lady, I've been told to let them come to me, but they NEVER do...Never, ever has a man initiated any type of contact with me...Everything that has happened, has happened because I had to take the lead...I am so tired of not being approached, I've been told I'm beautiful, gorgeous, I'm very slim, always smiling and laughing...what gives...I just don't know if I am intimidating them or what...Any ways, rejection SUCKS
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female
reader, Red591 +, writes (25 May 2013):
 don't buy a guy expensive gifts until its serious. I know a guy i kinda like and it was his birthday.I bought him a beer at his party. that is appropriate for the situation.I have spent very little time with him and he has lots of female friends and attention. If i had shown up with an expensive present, i would have looked crazy. Whether you liked that first guy a lot or not, the gift made it seem like you did and it scared him off. Gifts when not appropriate are a bit off putting. I know you meant well but for some reason people just don't appreciate this unless in a serious relationship or long time (years) friend ship.
second guy was too old. That really doesn't qualify as rejection
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (24 May 2013):
 As for the last question:
No, don't stop being nice, but yes, do stop buying expensive gifts.. You're not their wife. So don't try to act like it either.
And, start hitting on guys who are available. Older men: not so much available. Future business partners: not so much available. It's not your approach that is wrong, it's the target. You need to focus on more easily available men.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (24 May 2013):
.. When you are cheated on it tells you these things:
You trusted someone who went behind your back.
You trusted someone who lied to you.
You were ridiculed, mocked.
You were not valuable.
You were not respected.
You were worth nothing.
When you are rejected it tells you these things:
They just didn't think you were the right girl for them.
How you can find rejection to be harder than being cheated on beats me. Maybe you need to readjust your perception of this, and look into what a rejection vs cheating actually means. Rejection is NEVER a rejection of YOU as a person. A rejection is simply saying that this particular person doesn't think you will be a good match for him. And, many times, people are right. You being "too young" doesn't mean there's something wrong with your age. That being your age is a bad thing. It simply means that there will be too much of an age difference, and such a difference often leads to complications and problems. This particular man has probably experienced these problems in the past, knows what he would be getting into, and wants to avoid it. He wants a good and happy relationship, same as you. And in his view of things, you and him wouldn't have a nice and happy relationship. But that's not to say you wouldn't make someone else happy.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2013): Jesus OP, so much hurt, pain and self questioning over your minor rejections.
Yeah they sting but they're not a reason to question yourself over.
Especially when they were two very good reasons. Keeping things professional and your age.
Dust yourself off and move on. Grow a pair of balls OP, rejection is part of life or you can continue to put so much importance to us men, your masters in life, and keep getting hurt by us.
I'll never understand how women worship us men so profoundly that they get so hurt when we say no.
I know we're great, I know we're better than you in all ways but come on you asked for equality so be our equals not our undying devotees.
Yes OP rejection sucks, but stop taking it so damn personally, I was joking when I said we're better than you but not when I said we're too important to you.
Guess what, if this is how you are as a person the real reason they refused was probably your needy desperation.
Rejection sucks but it's not supposed to hurt.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2013): No offense but you should be glad you were born female. You would never have survived being a guy. The NORMAL experience for us is to get rejected the majority of the time. A guy has a pretty hard time dating if he cannot handle more rejection than success.
Most of the player guys who sleep with a ton of women are doing it by hitting on practically every chick they see. They will remember a night being successful if they make passes at 10 chicks and get rejected 9 times.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (24 May 2013):
 No, personally I don't.
First, as you say, rejection is a fact of life : you don't get chosen for all the jobs you apply to, for all the offices you run for, for all the auditions you show up to etc.etc, and you do not even get all the guys you are into . You get rejected by some people, and you on turn reject other people.
It does suck, same as it sucks when we do not obtain what we want at that moment : a table in the restaurant of our choice , a cab to hail on a rainy day, that nice pair of shoes in our feet's size . But, in time, one learns to not take it too personally, as a reflection on our worth .
Particularly when it is NOT personal, just like in the two cases you mention.
It would suck more if the subtext of the rejection was : I reject you because , IMO, you are ugly, stupid, boring etc... WE may not share the negative judgement , but it is still a negative judgement about us as single individuals.
In your cases, though, guy no. 2 did not want to date you because he has issues with your age, not with you. You could be marvellous, but he still would not date you because you belong to an age group that for him is undateable. Why should he have " given you a chance " ?. If his criteria are " nobody in the 18-21 bracket ",- with all the available women in this world over that age range ( I hope he did not want someone under :), he'd be stupid not to try with some of them first.
So, he rejected you as " member of the large category of girls 18-21 ", not as the one and only Miss Sally Jones from Brooklyn ( or, whomever you are ).
With guy No 1 , the rejection seem to be based on the concept " never mix business and pleasure and never fuck somebody you could be in business with in future ". Same story as before : if he abides by this code, you could be the most ravishing creature around , he'd still would not be keen to hook up .
I don't say that you can't be disappointed- you have my permission :) , but it does not sound as if you have been rejected for same specific quality ( or lack of quality ) of yours. Just for not being the right person at the right place at the right time.
That, IMO, would hurt much much less of a betrayal - then again, it's always a matter of opinions.
As long as you don't turn into a curse or a tragedy what simply the " down 2 part in the ups and downs of a normal life...
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A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (24 May 2013):
 The pain from being rejected is not even CLOSE to the pain you'd feel if you were cheated on. And that is for a very simple reason - you can only ever be 'rejected' by someone you have a crush on and want to date, you are not in a relationship with that person and have no emotional attachment to them at the time. Ok so its a confidence knock and lowers your self-esteem a bit, but you move on, get over it and find someone else to crush on instead.
Whereas when you are cheated on, you have invested so much into that relationship, you love that person, you are planning a life with them....for many people who are married or have kids they already have a life together then they go and cheat and throw it all away. Imagine having a mortgage with someone, imagine having children with them, imagine having spent many years with that person and then they cheat on you - I'm sure your question will sound a bit silly in light of that.
Ok so you have been cheated on, but it doesnt sound like you were in love with him or had been with him that long, you were more upset about wasting your time with him. But if you are cheated on in a real relationship where you are both supposedly in love with each other, have been together years, have invested lots into that relationship - then that pain is something that you cant even imagine, especially at your age.
SO I'd stop with the daft questions, you are just hurting because 2 guys have turned you down and your ego has taken a knock. At 18-21 you dont know much about real pain, try looking through this site and seeing some of the questions from married people or people with kids and all the awful things their partners do to them.
As for approaching men - I've never done that in my life, I always wait for men to approach me. Men like to do the chasing most of the time, it doesnt hurt to smile and make eye contact to give them a bit of encouragement but if you are marching over there to talk to them then that could be intimidating. Being surrounded by lots of female friends is off-putting too, men will normally only approach if you are on your own or maybe with 1 or 2 friends. They are afraid of rejection too you know, so they dont want an audience! If they see you laughing and smiling with a big group of friends they would never come over, they would think you are a bit loud and too busy with your friends.
Should you stop being so nice to men? Yes dont buy anyone an expensive gift unless they are family or a long term boyfriend. You cannot buy people's affection, and it seems a bit desperate these outlandish gestures. That will have been a bit scary for him, he will have thought you were just friends then he gets this pricey gift which shows you still want a hell of a lot more than just friends, so he runs a mile. Friends dont buy each other expensive gifts, but boyfriends and girlfriends do - so he realised there and then that you wanted more and ran a mile.
I think most of all you need to take a deep breath and relax. You are still very young, you have all the time in the world to be approached by men. Yes rejection hurts, we all experience it but it is what makes us stronger and grow as people. It also helps you to learn not to approach men so directly, try being a little quieter and less bold and you might find that men like it. They dont want the loud gobby girl who is always approaching guys she fancies, they want a lady who is elegant, reserved and feminine.
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