A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone. I'm sorry but this is going to be a long post. I am really upset here and I need some advice.A girl my boyfriend knows (they're not really friends, but know each other) is always trying to talk to my boyfriend about stuff that I feel is very inappropriate. I've seen messages from her talking a whole lot about sex. She's been telling my boyfriend about all of the men she has slept with and all of the kinky and sexual things she has done. She's been telling him how much she loves sex and that it's all she thinks about. She has gotten really detailed about it all. She has even been bragging about being a 'slut'. She has been asking my boyfriend sexual things and even seems to come onto him and flirt a little with him. And while my boyfriend doesn't respond to her in sexual ways, he doesn't ignore it and continues to talk to her when she's saying all of this stuff to him.What's really bothering me is that my boyfriend's guy friends all seem very interested in this girl and are always flirting with her and trying to get sexual with her and seem to have no problem with her behavior and they kind of try to get my boyfriend involved with all of this. They have all even joked around about having a 5 some with her, which means her, my boyfriend, and 3 other of my boyfriends friends having group sex with her. I was really upset about this.I'm in a really uncomfortable situation here and need advice. Am I facing a big problem here? Could my boyfriend be interested in this girl?Do I tell my boyfriend I don't feel comfortable with him talking to her?I have been with him for almost 3 years and I don't want to lose him, we have big plans for the future together.
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male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (25 May 2013):
I think you should talk to your boyfriend about these issues you are having and try to gain some reassurance from him. It doesn't make sense to jump to assumptions and begin thinking with a negative mind. You may only make the situation worse or even push him towards this girl. Also when you do talk to him, hopefully you have gathered your thoughts and will proceed to do so with a calm attitude. Make it clear to him what it is you want out of him in regards to this girl. At the same time, you guys still seem young so I would imagine there is all sorts of loose talk among the guys so it would be wise to put some faith towards communication and trying to make the relationship stronger.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2013): You are absolutely correct if you feel that it is inappropriate. You have every right to ask that he stop accepting them. You have no right to read his private text messages. However; if you do and he allows it, he wants you to see them. He doesn't care how you feel about it, and you should kick his sorry ass to the curb. Never let any boy think that he owns you and can do whatever he likes.Girls do not have to put up with their boyfriends chasing sl^^s. You shouldn't waste your time going crazy, wondering if your boyfriend is following up on messages girls are sending him behind your back. There are boys who don't do this. They are just as masculine, and just as much fun, as the jerks girls seem quicker to gravitate toward. The difference is, they like having a girlfriend. Not just someone convenient to have sex with on demand. Yes, they do exist. You might have to kiss a few toads to find them. Even the toads may have a few good qualities. So give them a break. Nice guys do get tempted by other girls as males and human beings; but they value their girlfriends too much to hurt them that way.The difference is their level of maturity and the fact they respect females. They have feelings,but they know how to handle them in a grownup masculine way. They have good male role models in their lives. Jerks usually don't.Your boyfriend would not like it if you were "s^^^^y" and sexting or texting other boys. He would be pissed and the first to confront you, if he hears through the grapevine you're flirting with another boy. He would not hesitate to dump you; if he thought you were cheating on him. The thing is, you can nag him about doing it, over and over. Then you have to be strong enough to let him go, if he doesn't stop doing what upsets you. You have that power, so use it when it become necessary. Even if he ends up being with ^^^^. That means the jerk is now her problem and not yours. You are left to be a cute, sweet, and happy single girl. Available to find someone better-looking, cares about you, and much more mature. You can have fun hanging out with your friends, flirting, and forgetting about that idiot.She'll be stuck s^^^^^g around with your dumped leftover jerk of an ex-boyfriend, until they end up giving each other an STD. He'll realize what he has lost when he sees you happier with someone else. You're only miserable as long as you put up with it.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (24 May 2013):
 you have every right to tell him how you feel and why.
the issue is not what others say or do but rather what your bf says and does.
truth is that he enjoys her messages. if he didn't he would not respond. by not responding he sends the message "not interested" by responding, even if it's not sexual he encourages her to continue.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (24 May 2013):
 I think the situation you've described is rather like your B/F experiencing a racy sex life vicariously, through his "friend."
It's inappropriate, yes.... but his participating in it "tells you" a great deal about "B/F".... mainly that he doesn't seem to agree with you that it's inappropriate... AND that he doesn't think much of YOU (since he participates, repeatedly....).
I'd put the "big plans" on "hold"... and sit B/F down and - YES - tell him that you think this is inappropriate... Do so in a calm and matter-of-fact way... so as to avoid seeming provocative and/or judgemental....
How he responds to this discussion will give you all the info you need to know about him... and the plausibility of you and him going on with your "big plans".....
Good luck....
(P.S. I predict that you'll find he's a jerk and not worthy of your time or attentions....)
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