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female
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anonymous
writes:Do you think my bf has a drinking problem?I am quite worried about him for his own health, as well as our relationship because his drinking habits is placing alot of stress on it. We have been in a relationship for 5 months, and I have literally never been with him when he hasnt be drunk, drinking or not hung over. He drinks literally every single day of the week. Mon-Sun. And many of these times it is binge drinking as well. He doesnt have even atleast one alcohol free day a week which is what health professionals recomend, and alot of the days he drinks so much that its considered binge drinking. What makes this all worst is that when he has had even just a tiny bit of alcohol he becomes quite careless. Then after 2 drinks he becomes quite nasty and insensitive. He says some pretty horrible things to me. And shows me no respect while drinking. I keep making excuses for it, but its getting to the point where I am emotionally worn down from dealing with the way he treats me when hes drinking. I feel like I cant rely on him. Whenever I need him to support me or be there for me, I cant go to him because hes been drinking and like I said he can be really mean and insensitive. I always have to drive him around too because hes been drinking. Quite often we will make plans to go to dinner at night. Then the time comes when he is supposed ot be picking me up or I am supposed to be going over his place etc and he doesnt show up. I will call him. No answer. If im lucky, a few hours later he will call me back and say he forgot...why did he forget? ohh he was at a friends place all day drinking. This happens far to often and I am sick of it. I feel like alcohol is more important to him then me.I guess its not hard to understand why he is like this. His family have similar behaviour. Not to mention his own father drinks and drives his car and boat - while over the legal limit. Once when we went away on holidays, the last night of our trip he decided to get completely wasted. He drunk probably about 20 drinks. He KNEW he had to drive home early the next morning. I coudlnt drive because we took his car and I cant drive it. So he knew it was up to him. I told him I thoguht it was a bad idea forh im to get drunk, but he didnt care. He said he would be fine. So he drove us home the next day early morning, hung over. Hes lucky the police didnt pull him over and that we luckily arrived home safe. Finally, what scares me also is that he has a job which makes it dangerous for him to have any alcohol in his system and to be hung over etc. In fact, his workplace does random drug and alcohol tests. So if he turns up to work with alcohol in his system, he could seriously hurt himself or someone else, and lose his job. But does that stop him? no. I really dont know how to cope with all of this now. He denies he has a problem. He thinks its normal. I guess he could considering the family he grew up with. It doesnt seem right to me. Am i overeacting?
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male
reader, MSBJE +, writes (23 September 2009):
Well done for not making excuses for him. This will be hard to do but you need to end this now. he has no concern for you or those around him.
The fact that he drives whilst hung over & reports to work in the same condition, is evidence that he just does not care, the demon grog is no 1.
Don't get me wrong I enjoy a drink, but understand that you need to count them to stay in control.
I don't do the horoscope thing but I predict this ending in tears, he will ended killing himself or someone else, you do not want to be a part of that.
A
male
reader, Candleman  +, writes (21 September 2009):
 I've had expeience w/ drug and alcohol abuse. Your boyfriend is an alcoholic for sure. No questions asked. I like what all rythm said. Very good insight and advice. Since you have only been in this relationship for 5 months, I personally would get out asap. You can try to change the man, but he is in denial and that is the first and hardest step an alcoholic needs to achieve in order to recover. The 12 step recovery for Alcoholic Anonymous is a formula that works for alcoholics. Step 1="We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable." For the majority of alchoholics, if this step is not reached, then recovery will never begin. It usually takes what is termed "rock bottom" to be reached by the alcoholic before they even realize they have a problem. Rock Bottom is a very bad place to be. And, it usually consist of a bunch of bad things happening before it finally dawns on the alcoholic that they have a problem. Another way of saying this is that many chambers of hell have been traveled and finally the basement of hell is reached. I stress again that reaching rock bottom in a lot of cases means many, many bad things happenening over the course of many years. He may lose his job due to the drug test, get a drunk driving ticket, wreck his car, lose many girlfriends, even kill someone, and it not completely click in his mind that he has a drinking a problem. The alcoholic thinks they can quit anytime, so there is no real problem. They just have to be more careful, or they blame the problems on other things. The problem is not only is it hard for denial to be overcome, but once denial is broken, quitting is a whole new battle that unfortunately is very hard to accomplish. Alcohol is psychologically and physically addicting. I had a friend that was an alcoholic and he shook every morning until he got his drink. Many alcoholics have to go through detox and suffer a reality similar to heroine withdrawal, I've heard people say it is worse than heroine withdrawal. Unfortunately, the odds of a person successfully recovering from alcoholism is not in their favor. Relapse is all too common. For you, you would be taken on this long road through hell, before/if even your mate will reach the basement. Then if he does realize he has a problem, then his chances of recovery are against him. The problem is that your hell will no doubt be far worse than his because of all the abuse you will suffer at his hands. You won't have the alcohol dulling your senses and blacking out memories. They will be all too real and all too frequent. Not only this, but you will have virtually no control over his behavior. I feel the best thing you can do for him is to break it off. This then can begin to work on his denial, though no doubt it will not be enough to make him really see that he has a problem. Just one of the chambers of hell he has to go through. (Also, please don't call the cops on him, it will happen soon enough on its own more than likely.) More importantly, by getting out now, you are saving yourself this trip to hell. You've seen enough of it in 5 months. It will no doubt get much worse. The hell of going through a break up will be nothing compared to the many years of hell you are setting yourself up for if you stay.Good Luck to you.
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female
reader, Lola1  +, writes (21 September 2009):
 I am also inclined to advise you to walk away. In order to help him, he needs to want to be helped.
Tryng to fix this relationship will end up in further heart-break and disappointment. And it will all be yours....
I think you deserve a healthy relationship with someone else who loves and appreciates you. Hopefully, you do too.
Good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2009): Walk away - you can't fix him and he indeed has a drink problem. It will be nothing but heartache unless he addresses the problem himself - even then it's a very difficult rocky road.He can blame anyone or anything and deny all he wants - you can't change anything....Best of luck
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2009): I think you know the answer to your own question. Reread your description of your boyfriend's behavior and stop making excuses for him because of his family background.
Alcoholism runs in families.
Yes he has a severe problem, and it is a progressive disease, meaning he is going to get much worse than he is now over time and eventually it will kill him.
If you enjoy living like this, then stick with him, but to me this is an absolute deal breaker for a relationship.
I would walk away. You can't fix him, he is in denial. The only one who can help him is himself. He could possibly get better with an intervention, but who in his family would come? It usually only works with someone who threatens to leave him in financial straits if he doesn't clean up his act. Perhaps hurting someone and losing his job will do it, but it is a shame it has to come to that.
Read and do research on alchoholism. Join Alanon yourselfl to learn why you are attracted to alcoholics, it could be that you are codependent and feel you have to save him, this is not healthy for you and you aren't helping him by staying in a relationship with him, condoning his behavior and thereby enabling him.
The best thing you can do for you and for him is to leave him, today.
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female
reader, natmarie  +, writes (21 September 2009):
 I'm sorry to hear that. I think you need to suggest he get;s help asap, or else you may have to rethink your relationship with him. It is best to tell him straight how you feel, and let him know that you cannot and will not put up with this forever. I was in a relationship with an alchoholic for seven years - it was depressing, dissapointing, and worse of all, I knew it could not go anywhere. He would get dry for a few months, then it would all start again. Do you really want a lifetime of let downs; and broken promises,? because unless this guy stops drinking completley, I fear he won;t get past it, and even then , at the back of your mind you wil be fearful. Life is short - and it;s good to try and make choices that in the long term will make you happy. Have a talk with him, then set a deadline and see if he takes any action to sort this out for the sake of your relationship. If he doens;t , I would say you would be best off without him. Good LUck
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male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (21 September 2009):
No, you're not overreacting. He's an alchoholic all right. But until he admits it, your relationship won't move at all and you'll end up hurt. You might love him, but you've got to be prepared to be tough on this. It's his problem, not yours. Yes, it's nive of you to stand by him, but you're standing by a man who appears to care about drink more than you. When you need him, he isn't there. So either he has to go to AA, or you'll have to make a serious decision as to whether you want to live with a mna who is only going to give you a lot of pain.
Good luck. xx
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