A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been dating a girl for 3 years. We graduated college and had a long distance relationship. In this time she broke up with me for someone else. Im am pretty sure she cheated on me before she broke up with me for this other person. Well she came back to me after about a month or two after they have been "technically" dating. I took her back so I am currently dating her now. She tells me she loves me and will never hurt me again. But obviously trust has been lost. Do you think its worth it to forgive someone who did this to you? Or do I follow the principle once a cheater always a cheater? I am confused. I do lover her and we talk about marriage but am so hurt for what she did and I am afraid of getting burned again.
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broke up, cheated on me, long distance Reply to this Question
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male
reader, OzBloke  +, writes (25 September 2009):
I still stick to my original post, but as a follow up to your followup I'd like to add this thought. It's not advice, it's just a thought which occurred to me reading your last followup.
Is it possible that she thinks you are the one and wanted to get one last 'fling' out of the way before she settled down with you? I am not saying that that is a nice thing for her to have done, but I just got that impression from your story as one possibility.
Food for thought I suppose. I hope you don't mind me sharing it.
A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (24 September 2009):
Well it's going to take time for you heart to mend. So take the relationship slowly. Expkain to her that you're hurt and that you jsut want to take it slow to make sure you're doing the right thing. If she really means what she says, she'l understand. Good luck.
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A
male
reader, Candleman +, writes (24 September 2009):
 The biggest question then is was this experience enough for her to see that you are "the one." Unfortunately, you will never know until you get married. But, first now you have to decide if she is the one. And, this issue makes marriage something that would be later than sooner for me.
I wouldn't accept the stop beating yourself up line. She's beating you up by not providing more information in order to assess this situation. What does she expect? "Oh ok honey, I feel so much better now. I'll stop trying to figure out if you are wasting my life or keeping me on a back burner if nothing better comes along."
The reality is you need to discuss all that you need to about this and then determine if her answers are good enough for you. If she is being honest, then she should have nothing to hide and it is her obligation to share the information you want in order to reassure yourself.
If nothing else comes out that contradicts what she is currently saying or if nothing major is discovered, then you have to give her the benefit of the doubt and work on re establishing the relationship which ultimately means letting this issue go. Otherwise, you should move on because you'll live in too much fear to properly develop a relationship.
One thing I would take as a positive is that she did come out and tell you what she was doing. She could have done this and kept you completely in the dark which really would place her character as nefarious and thus not worth having.
Whether she is lying to you now or not in regards to not keeping her mind open to other options is something that only time will tell. If she does this again, then you know.
The truth of the matter is that until she moves to you or vice versa then this fear is always going to be stronger in your mind. The chances of it happening again are greater.
If it were me and I really loved this woman, I would find out more and if I was content enough with her answers, then I would give her the benefit of the doubt and commit to the relationship. But, if it happened one more time, then I'd let her go.
Good Luck
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A
female
reader, lizababy  +, writes (24 September 2009):
well it goes like this u havent really got de facts dat she cheated on u no offence it simply can work agin maybed she does love u why else wud she come back ever think bout that and another thing if u love her u will know wat to do
gud luck mate x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2009): im a girl and ive been in the same situation- even though i didnt split with my bf and it wasnt considered cheating at that time because we were on a break - lots of thngs going on around us, harsh times. anyway, i can imagine the girl as me, and i would really be telling the truth because i think the same way with my finace , well good luck to you ! =)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2009): okay she said she didnt cheat. you say she did. well if you dont trust her word on that then there isnt much hope.
Secondly if she broke up with you, saw another guy realised what she had with you and came back then shouldnt you be chuffed.
I dont know dude Im sorry but I think you should trust your instincts on this and not necessarily what we might say because at the end of the day its your life.
How about just wiping the slate clean and treating this as a new relationship and see how you guys go.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI did confront her. She said she did not cheat on me. But I do know she was "talking" while we were on rocky terms with this other guy. When I tried to figure it out she told me I need to stop beating myself up. A reason for the break is she said she wanted space, wanted to try new things to and to see if I was the one. Also during the breakup she expressed how she still thinks there will be a future for us. Even when she told me she was gonna start seeing someone else she said its not over between us. I stopped talkin to her immediately until she told me shes not dating anyone anymore. Which was about a month or two after she told me she was gonna see someone else.
We currently do live in two different cities with jobs and she going to school. After grad school she said she wants to live me.
I expressed how badly i was hurt and she said sorry I will never go it again. Her reason for coming back to me is because she sees a future with me and not this other guy. She says she has more fun with me and I should be happy because i know she chose me and wants to be with me. She doesn't regret it, she says it was something she needed to do.
Its just hard to believe all of this. I dont know if shes telling me the things I want to hear or if she means it because trust has been lost. I am suspicious now of everything she does. Ive never experienced this befroe and I dont know if i really am beating myself up over it and should i just accept it and try to build on going forward or is this a red flag for me to get out now.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2009): Dude , First off sorry to hear that you are in this bind. We need more info.
1. Did she actually cheat on you with this guy? You need to ask her this because it is a big issue for you and something which you need to address for your own sanity.
2. Exactly why did she stray, you guys have to talk this out and see if you are happy with answers/ excuses given it may be that you cant trust her again and nobody can tell you that you should, you will either trust her or you wont.
Talk to her about how you are feeling now. She owes it to you to listen and try to understand, if she cannot do that well then Im sorry but that is a deal breaker.
One final thing if she tries to hold anything back from you such as when where and why well the you do need to ask yourself is she more interested in shirking the blame rather than taking responsiblity. If you guys cant be honest with each other at this stage then marriage would be the last thing that I would consider.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2009): I don't believe in that saying "Once a cheater, always a cheater." Everybody makes mistakes. It doesn't mean that you are going to go out of your way to make that mistake again.
However, I am NOT trying to excuse what she did. It must be very painful for you. So understandably, you don't want to feel like that again.
I don't think it is a question of whether it is worth forgiving someone who has cheated on you. I think it is more a question of, do you think you can? And remember, forgiveness is an acceptance of what has happened. It is not the end of the issue though. The insecurity and lack of trust will still be there. Forgiveness doesn't take all of that away. It just gives you a clearer, calmer place to build upon.
So do you think you can deal with this? Or will you constantly be on your guard around her now? Me personally, I think I could forgive someone for cheating on me...but I don't know if I could continue with the relationship. I don't think I could cope with the aftermath of negative feelings.
But I guess it depends on how willing you both are to make it work. Have you spoken to her about this, and how it has left you feeling? Have you told her your fears? Maybe if she knew, she would be willing to try and reassure you, put your mind at ease.
I think it will take more time for things to improve. You will need to see how things go, and allow the relationship to heal. That is, if you do decide to stick with the relationship. But I would recommend postponing any plans about marriage, as I don't think it is a good time right now. The trust needs a chance to come back first.
Do what you feel is right for you, and what you feel you can do. Good luck. x
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2009): dude im telling you right now she will do it again unless the distance is overcome. I dated a girl for 5 years LONG DISTANCE AND IN THE END IT DIDNT WORK OUT BECAUSE WE LIVE TO FAR APART AND THEY ALWAYS END UP WITH THE GUY CLOSER, AS SAD AS IT SEEMS. You have to bridge that gap soon.. otherwise all will be lost and it will be a hurtfull painfull journy my freind. Dont listen to what she says "being with you forever, gettin married, loving you forever etc" that doesnt mean SHIT. Watch her actions instead. Since She left you for someone else and you have taken her back.. she knows she can do this again.. but the trust has been broken and you will always "Worry" now if she will do it again.. but im telling you she will, she thinks she can always go back to you now because you have taken her back, how do i know this? because i took my girl back 3 times. LOL i am in love with her and still in love with her even if we are not togather anymore :( I know once i move to her city we will get married but for now a relationship is not good to have while we are living seperate. So take my advice.. trread carefully..
GOODLUCK
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A
male
reader, Candleman +, writes (24 September 2009):
In order for you guys to make it work, you need to forgive the action and re-build trust. It's not necessarily once a cheater always a cheater. You need to believe this or you have no chance.
Does she have to earn your trust again. Oh yeah. Is it easy. Hell no. Can it be done. Certainly.
There are reasons why she cheated on you. You need to communicate with her and find out everything about the reasons behind what happened. Try not to focus on the sex part too much. It's natural to do so, but if she just wanted a fuck, she could have done that and stayed with you and you would have been none the wiser. There are probably other reasons there other than sexual attraction and it is here that you may find enough logic to come to terms with this and forgive her.
The fact that you two were far away could be an excellant factor that inspired her decision.
I'm going to give an example of what could be there to illustrate how this can work out...
I am assuming both of you work. Does she like her job? If she does, Wouldn't it be much easier for her to stay where she is and build a life there? Why the temptation of someone else would be alluring?
You see, with this sort of understanding, it could be very easy to begin the process of healing and forgiving her. That is why you want to understand all the reasons that could have made her do this.
Now, if she just got the hots for this guy she was working with or around and that's pretty much the only reason, then you have a harder road to travel.
I'm stopping here because I am assuming things. If you provide more information, then people here can help you try to figure this out. I also highly suggest going to a therapist to discuss these things as well.
Good Luck
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A
male
reader, OzBloke +, writes (24 September 2009):
Take it one step at a time. Don't rush the engagement, just build the trust back between you.
The long distance could well be the only reason she did what she did. This doesn't justify it of course. Long distance relationships can be difficult and the lack of intimacy (sexual or otherwise) may have left her vulnerable.
You say you love her. If you really do love her and want to try to make it work, never ever accuse her of cheating. In your post you imply that she told you that she never cheated on you. She broke up with you and saw someone else, and you think she cheated. Forget the cheating part, it can only lead to resentment and distrust. Assume she did not. Unless you have serious cause to think otherwise, give her the benefit of the doubt.
Good luck!
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A
male
reader, GrimmReality +, writes (24 September 2009):
 Well you realize that you can't really know whether she cheated on you or not. She certainly is not going to just announce that to you,However,By her begging that she will never hurt you again, I would be very leery of this woman. I smell a rat. I mean I was cheated on 3 weeks before my wedding and am very suspicious of people in general. Let me ask you before I give any more advice if you could please be a little more specific? Simply because I don't want to rattle something off without knowing a bit more. I will tell you though that you need to trust your gut on this and put this talk of marriage on the back burner for a while.I take it your gut is telling you different because you landed here.So if it warrants please gi me more to go on.
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