A
male
age
36-40,
*imbo85
writes:my wife and i have been together for 6 years now. ever since we've been together either her sister, her brother, or her mother is living with us. we've been by ourselves for 5 months out of the 6 years of our relationship. her mother is 41 and she can't support herself. shes addicted to pain killers, shes an ex crack head and takes advantage of me cause she knows that all she has to do is talk to my wife and she'll get me to let her stay. well i just got rid of her a month ago and we have been alone with our two kids for a month. now shes homesick cause she moved to tennesee and she wants to come back. my wife says that she has no one to help her with the kids and shes the only one that will help her. i told my wife when she left that i had enough. that when she leaves thats it shes not coming back. but now she wants to come back and i told my wife that if she comes back i'm leaving i can't put up with it no more. when i told her that she started crying and telling me i'm selfish, and i don't think about anyone but myself. i want to hold myself to my word but my love for my wife is making it hard. what should i do?
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male
reader, timbo85 +, writes (9 October 2009):
timbo85 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionok now her mother is not living with us and it's great right? yea, now what like not even a month later now her sister and her boyfriend doesn't have a place to stay and my wife is asking if they can stay. now they've stayed with us alot in the past and from expierence i know that they never leave. he never gets a job and shes always procrastinating about her rent should i lay the same rules now as i did for her mother? if they come in, i'm leaving. i mean really what is it about this damn family that my wife and i can't just simply be alone? i love my wife with all my heart i just can't seem to just let it go and let things like people moving in with me bother me as much like i used to. i just it to be me, my wife, and my two kids. but i'm starting to think that that is accually never going to happen. i don't know. what should i do? please help me?!
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2009): My friend, there is a saying that meets your situation -
you get, and deserve, what you put up with.
If you keep folding, your wife will be able to pout and accuse you of being selfish for the rest of your life, and you'll always fold.
Is this the kind of father your kids deserve? A spineless, simpering coward with no principaled moral compass beyond "I love her".
Tee your wife that you have been more than generous with your home, your time, your money (if she's at home, with the kids, who supports the mother in law when mommy's living with you?), and your life. You have spent years showing her that you care for her, her feelings, and her desires. Now it's about time she spent a little time showing you that she cares for yours.
Frankly, you aren't loved. Your wife has no respect for you as a human, nor as a man, let alone as her husband, her life partner, and equal. You, my friend, have become a paycheck for her and crackwhore mommy. Grow a pair of balls and tell your wife that you have already been caring, patient, and selfless, and it's about high time she take a turn.
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A
male
reader, timbo85 +, writes (24 September 2009):
timbo85 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you so much you were a wonderful help. i have already sat down with my wife and told her how i felt. but she just keeps saying that i don't care about how she feels. everyone around me tells me to leave her but i just can't stop loving her. maybe it's cause i feel i will never love again like i love her or maybe it's because i feel trapt. i don't know her mother is coming back on mon. just being here this one day after i told her how i feel and put my foot down is making it kinda weird to be around her. all i can think about is how much i will hurt her if i go. and i can't stand to see her hurt.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2009): It sounds as if youve been a very understanding husband and a very patient one! You married your wife not her family and its way past time for her mother to stand on her own two feet. Sharing your home with other family memebers can have a massive impact on a relationship and as youve noticed its not always a good one. By putting your foot down now you arent trying to break up with your wife, you are trying to save your marriage, because you can see its not going to last if her mother comes back. Pick a time when you and your wife arent tired/busy and sit down with her for a chat. Explain how much you love her but how miserable you find it sharing your home with her family. Tell her that you wont be able to live there if her mother comes back and you are prepared to leave. Its admirable that your wife loves her mother and wants to help her but she is your wife and a mother her self. She really has to decide whats more important to her, your happiness and her children having their father with them or her mother being able to flit about as she choses. Speak to her mother as well and explain how you feel. She may be prepared to look elsewhere for lodgings if she knows how you feel about another visit from her. All the best.
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A
male
reader, appliance  +, writes (24 September 2009):
If you put up with that for all that time, you're definetely not a selfish man. As a married man, you have the right to enjoy some time alone with your family, your wife. I understand that she loves her mother and wants to help her, but maybe the mother needs a more appropriate kind of help. I think you should stick by your decision and make it clear. If your wife don't understand that you helped her a lot with this situation in the past, she's the one being selfish now.Worst case scenario: leave for a while if you can. She will think about it and see that you're serious. Don't wait until you get real mad or depressed, it will make things worse between your wife and you and maybe it will be too late then to work it out.
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