A
female
age
36-40,
*tarburstGrin
writes:My boyfriend and I, both 24, were talking about kids yesterday and he said that he wanted to adopt 3 kids. And he wanted one to be named after him. And I asked him if he wanted to name his biological child after him. He said his mom tells him that he shouldn't have kids because his dad and his sister have a history of mental illness and he doesn't need to be passing on those "bad genes." I told him I thought that was a mean thing of his mom to say and asked did he not want to have natural kids just because she said that. And he said no, he just sees no reason to have kids when there are kids that need a home. I respect that and see that as selfless, but I told him that I wanted to give birth to a couple of kids myself, and then maybe adopt as well when I get older. And he replied, "well then you can't pick and decide have a boy or a girl" and I said that I think that is part of the fun of being pregnant. We kind of stopped talking about it after that because we were in a restaurant and I was so shocked by the conversation I felt like I might cry. We have been together four years and I never got the impression he has only wanted to adopt. One time, I was joking about how stressful it is having a period and maybe I should have my uterus removed and he got upset and said "No!! Then you won't be able to have children!" That was about a year ago. I also started getting laser hair removal in the bikini area and he got upset and said it might hurt my reproductive parts and wanted me to stop doing it. And he has said things about his mother saying she didn't think he should have children a couple times even before yesterday, but I didn't think he was taking it to heart because he made those comments about my reproductive health, etc. I don't want to have children until I am close to thirty, but my question to you is, is there any hope that he will want to have biological children later down the road? I feel nervous about being a nag if I continue to bring it up to him and may completely turn him off from having biological children? Also later that night I asked him what he would do if I found out to be pregnant right now and he said would be bad. (He is in law school by the way and will graduate in a year)
View related questions:
be pregnant, period Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, StarburstGrin +, writes (28 March 2011):
StarburstGrin is verified as being by the original poster of the question Here's an update for everyone!!
So we were at dinner with my brother and his fiancee and he told them he wanted to adopt children, so I confronted him and asked him in front of them, "Are you ever going to want to have biological children of your own??" And he said, "Why should I when so many children need a home?! And besides, my mom says I shouldn't" And I said, "Well I want to have my own children one day, and I think that is very mean that your mom would say that and not want to pass on your good genes, so we may not work out since you don't want that like I do." He said, "I probably will have my own kids and my mom would be happy I am sure because my sister doesn't want kids! I just think kids need a home too." Me:"Well that is great, they can come over too, I want my own kids and it would be great to adopt as well and I will love them all the same." Him:"So we are going to have tons of kids running around everywhere if we do that!!" and he laughed.
Looks like we are on the path to negotiating...
Thank you all for your support and advice!!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2011): While it is common for mental illness to be passed down from parent to child, I do not believe that mental illness is a death sentence for someone. It took me five years to find the correct medication, but today I am back on track. I just got my AS Degree and I am applying to Universities with a 3.7 GPA. I am, however, one of the lucky ones. The good new is, however, that medications are getting better and the amount of time that someone with mental illness and their families have to suffer through the pain of that mental illness is getting shorter. I must say, though, it was not an easy road. My mother also dealt with being Bipolar/ Psychosis. It took her twenty years to find the correct medication. She is now a nurse helping those with mental illness who do not have insurance.In all honesty it seems as if your boyfriend does want to have children of his own, but is struggling over the idea of passing on mental illness.It is a very hard choice. I, myself, do want to have children. I'm waiting to have children for another ten years and can only hope that when my children come of age(15 years old) they will live in a world that has better medications and health insurance.
...............................
A
female
reader, largentsgirl89 +, writes (16 March 2011):
 Although depression and bipolar disorder are hereditary they can be treated and managed in a healthy way, I thought you were talking about schizophrenia the way his mother said, "bad genes."
Its sad but true that some parents give their children conditional love, but it happens and the sooner your bf realizes that he needs to live his life the way he wants to and not the way his mother or father wants him to, he will be a lot happier. I hate to say it, but his parents will always withhold all of their love unless he is completely compliant and even then the giving of their love isn't guaranteed.
If he wants to consider the option of having children with you, at least one, then great, but if you want biological children and he doesn't, then it's best to end the relationship now because it's highly doubtful he is going to change. And you could end up just resenting him.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2011): It sounds like your boyfriend has a lot of issues. Has he had counselling? That could help him sort out some of his bad childhood experiences.
Unless his not wanting children really is related to not wanting to disappoint his mother, and therapy seems to be helping his attitude toward it, I'd be careful here...don't count on him changing his mind later. You have your heart set on having children of your own, and you may need to be with someone else to fulfill that.
...............................
A
female
reader, StarburstGrin +, writes (16 March 2011):
StarburstGrin is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHis mom and him say that his dad and sister suffer from depression and from the sounds of it to me, possibly bipolar disorder. Their entire family has been professionally diagnosed with depression, but my boyfriend was physically and emotionally abused by his raging temperamental father. He was made to feel like he had to earn his love and his father deprives him of any love and affection and only criticizes him and condemns him despite his many achievements. I noticed his mom isn't very affectionate either though--although she isn't mean like his dad. His whole family just seems miserable, and they don't even celebrate holidays. But together, my boyfriend and I are very lively, love life, play, celebrate each other's birthdays and try to make the most of our exciting lives. So I would think he would realize that we would be totally different parents! I tell him all the time that life is about choices and we can make the most of situations instead of be negative about them. I worry that maybe because he feels like he has to earn his parents' love (my observation, he didn't tell me this) he may feel like if he goes against his mother's wishes of him having biological children, he might lose her love? I don't know-I would just love to know if he will be open to having children when we are closer to our thirties without me having to nag him about it so early on. It is killing me inside to think that even though I love him so so much, he could possibly not be the father of my children. I don't want to continue to grow attached to him if he doesn't want to. I have been dreaming of having my own kids since I was 5. I would like to start thinking now if I should just accept adopting because I can't stand to lose him, or if I should consider dating other possible people that may be "the one" instead, in case I can't feel fully fulfilled without knowing I can one day carry out my dream. :/
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2011): It sounds like this "bad genes" idea is playing a big part in how he's feeling. What is the mental illness in his family? I'm a scientist specialising in genetic factors of behaviour and mental illness so I might be able to help with some info. Most mental illnesses are caused mainly by environmental factors, some with a genetic predisposition - meaning if you have a certain genetic factor, you're more likely to get a certain mental illness IF certain (generally bad) things happen to you in your life/childhood.
Depending on the mental illness in his family, there might be a 50 % chance he has this factor, giving him a 25 % chance of passing it to any biological kids. Then if that does happen, his kids would only have a slightly higher chance of getting the mental illness.
I'd recommend to you to him about whether he's worried about this mental illness "bad genes" thing - without mentioning the added pressure of you wanting kids with him. Also you can talk about genetic testing - there's a company called 23andme (google it) that does it. There are others too, but I know that one's good because my boss (a professor of the genetics of mental illness) got himself tested by them and he loves all the info they gave him on himself. Anyway, these companies test your DNA and tell you what diseases you have a chance of getting. Then he can talk to a genetic counsellor - they specialise in helping understand genetic susceptibilities to disease and how it affects you and your children.
...............................
A
female
reader, largentsgirl89 +, writes (15 March 2011):
Depending upon what type of illnesses his father and his sister has would indicate the percentage that the genes will be passed on to his children.
I understand your bf not wanting to pass on "mental illness" genes to his children, but adopting children is very expensive and although you can't pick and choose your biological children, I wouldn't trade mine for the world.
There is a possibility that your bf will want a biological child of his own in the future and there is a change that he will never want one, perhaps it's best to deal with that when it comes up.
There are a lot of children in foster care and in homes who would love to be adopted and I think it very rare to find a man that wants to help some of them out. Your bf shouldn't be afraid to have children of his own, there are ways to determine if your child has different illnesses while they are in the womb.
And again, depending on what his family's mental illness history is would indicate the percentage/chance that he would pass those genes onto his children.
...............................
A
female
reader, Nime +, writes (15 March 2011):
 What kind of mental illness does your boyfriend's father and sister suffer from, exactly?
...............................
A
female
reader, natasia  +, writes (15 March 2011):
 This is upsetting to hear. I am really sorry for you - because he sounds mixed up, and really it is a blessing to have children, and he shouldn't be full of this nonsense about bad genes, adopting, etc. It is very artificial to think it better to adopt because you can choose the sex!!! He sounds very mixed up.
Listen: if he had his own child, he would think differently. You mustn't get upset by this nonsense he is saying - it is coming from his mother, and from him being over-educated! You must tell him that you want a child with him - with him, to mix you and him, to be totally together. You must make him feel how beautiful that is. And if he isn't interested - honestly, ditch him. There are so many normal men out there, and this attitude of his sounds horribly unhealthy. Tell him how shocked you are. Tell him how weird he seems. Tell him to stop being so daft. Ask him how the human race has thrived the way it has. Kiss him and go for it. He needs to get real.
Or, find a guy who understands. Life will be much easier and much happier and much fuller if you do.
This guy needs a lot of care - he needs bringing on. He might be bright and clever, but he has been - sorry to say this - warped in understanding by his mother. He will need a lot of work to come round. Is he worth it? (harsh, but fair)
...............................
|
