A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi I have a big problem. Over the years my wife and I have had many issues. I left her 9 months ago because I lost my feelings for her. I now find myself wanting to be with her and my children. I realise I do have feelings for her, but they are up and down. I moved back home a few weeks ago because I really want to fix things with her. The problem is though, that as much as I love her I've lost that sexual feeling for her. I can't bring myself to have sex with her. Not because I don't love her but because she feels more like a sister to me than a wife and it doesn't feel right to make love. A few times in the past when I tried to make love I couldn't get an erection and when I did it would drop as soon as I came in contact with her. What can I do to get over this? I want my marriage but I can't make love to her and I know without that we don't stand a chance. Who should I see? A Sex Therapist, a Relationship Counsellor or a Hypnosis? To help me get over this.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2011): We've booked to see a relationship counsellor. My wife knows how I feel and is willing to wait until I'm comfortable. Just not sure if I'll ever be comfortable having sex with her again. I don't want to feel this way because I want to keep my family as a whole. I'm not with her because of the kids. When I was gone for 9 months, she would let me visit them everyday, so that's not it. But I just didn't feel right leaving everyday. When I'm not there I feel a hole in my life, when I'm there though I feel something missing and I want to fix that because I do love her. My seeing her as a sister, well maybe that's the wrong word to use, I mean I see her as a family member and love her the way you would any family member but not the way you would a spouse. That's the feeling I need to get back. Hopefully the Relationship Counsellor will help. Thanks all.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2011): I am in the female version of your shoes. As much as I try it just isn't there. Surely there is a way to rekindle the spark with someone you care about. He has changed into the man I wanted him to be... But somewhere in the last couple of years something in me died.
I applaud you for being willing to work on this... And I hope the advice given by the other aunts works for you. Let us know...
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A
female
reader, GeeGee255  +, writes (16 March 2011):
 Your follow up explains everything.
I don't know what the professional name for it is.
But it appears that even though your head and your heart say they want to try again with her, your penis is still very angry with your wife.
She yelled at it, laughed at it, insulted it and took all her frustrations out on it. And it hasn't forgiven her for it yet.
So it will continue to refuse to cooperate untill this is resolved.
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A
female
reader, lush2010 +, writes (15 March 2011):
yeah, you'll need to have a very frank and open conversation with your wife. be sensitive though, in the way that you discuss it. just let her know that you need to spice up the bedroom activity as you are seeing her less and less in a sexual way and you dont want to lose that.a sex therapist could also help. buy some books, and discuss things with your wife if she is open to working on this together.... its not something she can do single handedly.. you'll probably need to work harder to make her feel sexy too. remember for women sex is very much a mental thing.. you need to mke her feel sexy to get the sexiness back from her
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2011): I think you should discuss all of this with your wife and both of you should go to a counselor and a sex therapist. Hope this helps. I don't really understand why her doing that to you would make you see her as a sister though?
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A
female
reader, kaykay1989 +, writes (15 March 2011):
 First I would like to say im sorry to hear that has happened it can't be easy for you both. I want you to think whether you moving back in was for the right reasons, i know you miss your kids and you want to be closer to them but you say you love your wife but are you in love with her? that is the big question. If the answer is no then you've answered you own question. If the answer is yes then i would suggest seeing a marriage counciller and not give up to easily on this marriage maybe moving out would be better just until things sort themselves out a bit.You can start from scratch the whole dating scene again going out together for meals or to the theatre bring back the spark and find out what gets each other going again.
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A
female
reader, Holli' +, writes (15 March 2011):
 Hiya,I don't really know much about different counsellors or therapists, however, I do think you and your wife should talk together about your relationship. You need to explain to her how you feel and why you have been reluctant to have sex. Sorry about not knowing much info on counsellors and that, I would look into that for more information, however I would really only see one if it's a last resort and see if your wife would go with you.For know it is all 'in your head' tell your self - she's not a sister she's my wife. Hope this helped.Good Luck
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2011): The start of our issues were caused because in the past my wife disrespected me and used to take her frustrations out on me. Most of it was verbal abuse causing me not to want her sexually. Then that would cause her to put me down sexually so it's left a scar! She's changed now and is NOT that person anymore. She's a loving wife, but the damage has been done to me mentally. I'm over that but I just can't get the sex issue to work now.
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A
female
reader, hotinlove  +, writes (15 March 2011):
Im sorry things have gotten this way for you. I hope more than anything you are still being honest with your wife. This is a problem that will not just go away. You may want to seek out some additional help from a counsellor or a therapist. It sounds like you love your wife, but you lost sight of her sexiness, sometimes it takes more than talking. Maybe some role playing together might help. What if you set up a night where you can play other people and "randomly" meet up for some fun. Love is hard to lose, the sex appeal isnt, it's a chore but it sounds like you have some love house keeping to take care of!
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