A
female
age
36-40,
*liserpotter
writes:I broke up with my boyfriend of 3 years last year because we felt like we were just friends and I had started to like someone else. However, we carried on seeing each other as friends, but occasionally sleeping together. After a couple of months I found out in a very gruesome way that he had been sleeping with someone else on a regular basis, and had first slept with her two days after we broke up. I was absolutely devastated. I'd though I was totally over him, but hearing that he had been with someone else ripped me to pieces and I realised I wanted him back. I was beside myself with grief, jealousy and anger for two months, imagining that he was with her every night (which he sometimes was).We ended up getting back together two months ago and I thought everything was fine. We were spending all our free time together and I was so happy.However last weekend when we were getting into bed he was weird about having sex with me. We ended up having a long, drawn out conversation about how he felt that resulted in him breaking up with me. He said that he thought when we got back to together everything would be better. By better he meant it would be how it was when we first got together. I said this was unrealistic as no relationship keeps that spark and excitement that there is at the beginning but in the end he left and I haven't seen him since. He said he was sorry and that he loved me and never wanted to hurt me.Yesterday I spoke to him and asked for a better explanation as I didn't think there had been much of one on Saturday. He said that he regarded me as a friend and didn't see a future with me. I think this is strange considering we had just booked a holiday together in August that was his idea. He was also quite cold on the phone to me, like he hated me. I sent him a text last night saying I was sorry for putting pressure on him on the phone and that I couldn't help loving him and that I wished I could just turn it off so we could be friends. He didn't text me back.I am absolutely beside myself. I feel like I'm going mad. Does he hate me? How can he go from loving me one minute to hating me the next?The one thing I am so scared of, more than anything else, is him finding someone else. It took him 2 days last time so there is every chance he has already found someone else, or has started sleeping with the same person again.I don't know how to get over this. I am so depressed. I love him so much - he is my world, and he finds it so easy to just dump me and move on. I have put so much into this relationship and I feel like I have used up every ounce of confidence and self-esteem I had in this relationship. Imagining him being with someone else is the worst pain I have ever felt. I don't know how I am going to get over him. I feel like I want to just go out and sleep with someone so that I can get there before him, but it's been so long that I don't know how to meet nice guys anymore. The girl he was with was extremely pretty (I have seen photos of her and he told me he thought she was pretty). How am I ever going to find someone new and good looking? How is it he is able to sleep with all these attractive people and I'm stuck being this ugly, single person with no confidence left to attract someone else.I want to call him so much. I want him to know how upset he's made me feel. I hate that he seems like a stranger to me when this time last week he was my best friend in all the world.Do you think I should just call him and tell him how upset I'm feeling? Or is this a massive mistake? Do you think he has any compassion left for me? Help me - I am in hell.
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best friend, broke up, confidence, depressed, jealous, move on, spark, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, natmarie  +, writes (14 February 2011):
 Are you feling a bit better by now? x
A
male
reader, drew22 +, writes (12 February 2011):
 Im very sorry about what happened :(, but unfortunately everyone has to go through something like this at least once in their life.
Sometimes you cant always put your everything in one person because when that one person is gone, you have nothing. Thats the mistake you did and i know its ironic to say that bc love makes you do that.
Now enough of my yapping, you have to forget everything about this guy (aka loser). delete everything that reminds you of him, that means photos, videos, cell number, social networking sites profile, no calls no text and especially no sex with any guy because it wont make the situation any better, it will just make it worse and remember to throw away any gifts he gave you if any. One thing you cant delete for now is the memory but don't worry it will eventually delete itself :)
Hear me out here, Never and i mean NEVER call yourself ugly or not pretty or unattractive. Everyone is beautiful and handsome (and special) in their own way.
Now i know it will be hard for you to get over this loser since he was your bf (now ex-bf) but you have too get over im, its unhealthy and it wont do you any good to think or cry over this dude, he's nothing to you now and he lost the biggest joy (you) in his life so haha to him. And if you find it hard to get this loser out your head then you could join clubs, gym, hang out with your friends and have an awesome time, read books, and the list goes on (literally)...
smh some people dont know what they have until its gone from their life and he just lost the biggest joy (you) in his life so haha to him. As for you, you now know he wasnt your mr. right :)
One question, why do you care about who he's with. everybody is free to do what they want arent they ? if it makes you feel any better just imagine hes with doink the clown making love lmao whiles your living your life to the fullest and enjoying every minute of it.
Now, take my advice and everyone else who also wrote helpful comments and you will be on way to enjoying life and i have faith in you. wish you all the best and can update us on how your doing :)
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A
female
reader, natmarie +, writes (11 February 2011):
I am so sorry you are going through this. I am not going to tell you to get busy, as I know this is not always possible for some people. You may just need to stay indoors if it is too painfulk to go out, and sweat it out. I am just trying to pull myslef out of the same thing. I was off work for three weeks on anti depressants. You have to go along with the pain, and that may mean taking some time out. I hope you have good freinds you can call when you are feeling dwon? I am not goig to tell you now to call him either.. text him or cal if it makes you feel better, but if he does not answer - you may feel worse, then agin, it might tighten your resolve. there are no realy rules here.. not woith this kind of thing. I was suicidal when I broke up woith my ex, and I still call him up every week to hear his voice. I even told him that I loved him last week and he did not even respond. The evenings and nightimes are the worse. Try to get to your GP if things get really bad, and just literraly, when you get that gut wrenching, heartache, lay down and go with it, as that's all you can do for now. I really hope you heal soon. Do wahtever feels right for YOU to get through this, although the best thing is probably no contact, but that's easier said than done. I know. I STILL can;t acceot he is not right for me, and STILl text him, and still feel awful. The only thing that is helping me is coming to work everyday , as it gives you something else to focus on. Please let us know how you are getting on. XX
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2011): I'm sorry you're hurting but you should keep in mind you wanted to break up with him in the first place. Partially because you developed feelings for another guy. You didn't have any problem with the situation until he wasn't available to you at your leisure anymore. You probably hurt him as badly the first time you two broke up as you've been hurt this second time around. Maybe he acted cool about it and agreed to stay friends in the beginning but if he knew it's was because you were crushing on that other guy then you definitely hurt him too. Whether he showed it or not. So, I'm sorry about your heart ache but this is always a possibility when you dump someone and then take them for granted. He moved on, you should have expected that. I hope you both soon find happiness where ever that may be. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, lioness32 +, writes (10 February 2011):
 i think you should forget him, sounds like he was always sleeping with someone else
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A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (10 February 2011):
 I'm very sorry for your pain, grief and anger. Too late to say now that once you break up with someone, they are - or should be - past history; no more remaining friends, let alone even occasionally having sex.
He evidently was happy to go on vacation with you, as a girlfriend, but clearly didn't want to marry you - hence the "no future" statement. Yes, very hurtful, I know. Also rather hypocritical: either you're together for the long-term or you're not.
You want to call him, but its not going to do any good if you do. You already did, and asked for an explanation (not that explanations are ever really satisfactory when what you want is the person, not the explanation); then you sent a text. Calling him again will only annoy him and he may hang up on you or outright tell you never to contact him again, and you'll feel worse.
I know you're terrified of him being with/sleeping with someone else. Unfortunately, you have no control over what he does. You have to accept that. (Maybe you can't accept that idea all at once, but at least be willing to get used to it gradually). You made him your world. The truth is he's not - nobody is - the center of the universe. Reality isn't like that!
You have to be your own person: involved in your life, your job, the things and activities you enjoy, being able to maybe do a little volunteer work; being kind and compassionate to others - even if its only to smile at a stranger and wish them a good day. You have to be your own best friend.
Which means: it won't do your self-esteem any good to go and find a man to sleep with just for the hell of it, to make you feel better. It won't - and probably won't make the man you pick feel too good either if he thinks that's the only reason you chose him (unless HE just wants a good night and nothing else).
You are special. You are - we all are - a unique human being. Nobody else on this earth has quite the gifts and can make the same contribution that YOU can. If you are a person of faith, you know that you are a child of God, and beloved as such. If you are not religious, then consider that you, along with all living (and non-living) creatures are descended from a "royal lineage." We are all literally made of star stuff, descended from the first quarks and atoms from the Big Bang! This is the real McCoy.
Don't call yourself ugly or unattractive! If you feel you need to lose weight, dress better or change your makeup, gain more self-confidence, there are things you can do to help bring about changes you want. Being interested and engaged in life, being confident, kind, and knowing your own mind, not being needy are all very appealing qualities.
If you feel so depressed and unable to cope, you might think about contacting a counselor for a few sessions to talk with, or at the very least, seek out a trusted friend who has sound judgment and will be willing to listen.
In time - you'll need to be patient with yourself - the pain and anger will begin to recede and you'll come to see he wasn't the man for you afer all. I know this seems impossible to believe right now, but you have to be prepared to step forward and have some trust that it will get better.
Write us again if you want to.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2011): I've been in your shoes. It sucks, you're right it feels like hell. There is nothing to do right now, except cry it out. Do you have friends? Family close to you? They can help! I thought for sure, no one would listen to my crazy obsession with my ex. But they did, and sometimes still do, although I'm not thinking about him as much like that. Now I remember him fondly and hope that he is happy because I am.
He found it easy to move on, sometimes that happens. You have to let him go. He was perfect for you at one time, but he is not your forever guy. He was phase 1 as my mom likes to call it. Don't call him, call your friends, your mom, anyone but him, it will take some time, but eventually the pain starts to dull. Focus on being good to you!!!
Please take care, xoxox
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