A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:Do you have or know any husband who can reform or change his unfaithful ways after 20 years of marriage? My husband and I are very intimate even though he has to have his short outside affairs for years. He likes to play his little games of conquering a lot of women for his ego and mend his insecurity. He is very good and cheating and hiding his evidences. Although I got good over the years of finding out his cheating ways, he is always a step front of me. He is a "pro" at what he does. He is also a very good father.Yes, I know I could leave him, and I tried. I made up my mind to do the daily things to lift up my spirit to take care of myself like working with a personal trainer, meeting girlfriends for luncheons, making jewelry, buying expensive clothes, having fun with our children, going for a run at the beach, or just watching the movies I like. i also had a doctor's examination for STD.I have to say, though, it has been very hard to live day to day. I can't sleep at night. I want to check his cell phone while he is sleeping, but I don't want to check up on him because it iis a never ending nerve wrecking task. I feel horrible doing it. What am I going to when I find something? I'm not going to do anything about it. My husband will never confront anything, so it's no use trying to talk to him. He is just a smooth operator. Why am I so week, and I'm very attractive? I get a lot of attention everywhere I go, but, that doesn't faze my husband?I am not going to leave him because I still love him. I would like to live with him until I can't take it anymore. What do you think about this thought?Thank you listening to my gripe. You have been a blessing in my life to read about similar situations.
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male
reader, baddogbj  +, writes (12 August 2008):
 If there is anything that I can tell you that might help at all I would very pleased to do so. I am reluctant to get into too much detail in a public forum both for the obvious reason and because, in trying to explain my position, it might seem that I'm seeking to be "understood" or heaven-forbid even looking for sympathy and that would, rightly, upset a lot of people. I think that this website has a private messaging facility and you are welcome to send me a message if you wish. I won't presume to send one to you.
In your follow up you ask "why do you like to cheat on your lovely wife?". The simple answer of course is that I don't like to cheat on her but part of me likes the things that constitute the cheating. It is rather like asking someone with a weight problem "why do you like to be fat?". Of course the chances are that they do not like being fat but they find rewarding some of the behaviors that cause them to be fat.
Like your husband, I don't imagine that anyone who knows me would have the faintest idea that would or could cheat on my wife. I think I'd be right at the bottom of the list of candidates, the text book good boy. Unlike your husband I can't blame my role models in that I come from a wonderful and loving family and my father was without any doubt the best man that I have ever met. I think however that you and the other poster are right that there is always something in the past which sows the seeds of this kind of destructive behavior.
I feel that your husband's flaws are similar to mine and so I hope that it helps you to hear that I truly truly love my wife and there is no dimunition in my passion for her. I hope and pray that she is holding my hand when I die.
Incidentally I have never told a soul about my affairs, never once the slightest nudge and a wink to my closest male friends. For some reason in my mind THAT would be an unforgivable betrayal.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the *Hugs* and all of your thoughtful words! I really appreciate input from a cheating guy's point of view. I wish I could pick more of your brain, and ask you to explain why do you like to cheat on your lovely wife? Do you have any conscience or is it the excitement of conquering or what is it?Anyway, I really like to read the part about letting my husband know that I' m worth way more than what he thinks of me, and also let him know that I'm deeply hurt of what he is dpoing to me. The reason I'm asking my question is because I'm desperate of knowing or understanding my unfaithful husband's actions and thinking. He has it so good, and why is he doing this? I know his problem has nothing to do with me. I cried today, when a girl from the gym said to me, "You must be really lucky because your husband will never look at the other girls." Boy! Only if she kew!!!Thanks again! Much Mahalo!
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A
female
reader, hlskitten  +, writes (9 August 2008):
 Guys giving you attention doesn't faze your hubby cuz he knows you wont leave him. Boy oh boy what a lucky man to have that security. We all want that dont we. If you know you wont leave him, there isn't anything to say really. Its a shame your self asteem isn't too good at the mo. Sounds like you tried all the right things to up it. But this guy will always be one step ahead and beat it down again.
Thats why they are so good. They tend to seem nice to everyone else too, and portray the brilliant family man, which is what also makes them quite dangerous for women.
He will always be one step ahead because he is that sort of person, and good at it. You would need to be of the same mindset and have all the same immorals to keep up, and it doesn't sound like you are that sort of person.
Atleast one of you is a good human being, just dont let him take that thought away from you, even if he has everything else. Men like him give the nice guys a bad name.
*Hugs*
And i rarely give those on here, but you deserve lots of them.
C xxxx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2008): I don't understand why you asked this question? it seems like your not going to leave him or even consider it. Your putting up with all his crap, yes his gone down a long route of cheating and why wouldn't he if he knows you won't leave or even have a go at him for it!! BUT if you're happy like this then what are we to judge?
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2008): Hi.Man do I feel for you.I was in the same situation except we were not married and no kids. I was with him for 7 years and also found little ways to deal with it, but I had enough, I was always hoping he would change but that never happended. Of course you realize your husband will never change, right? Ain't gonna happen. He has the best of both worlds, why would he change that. Unless you do something drastic, but since you're not going to leave him honey, I would have to say, good luck, and I hope you're going to be OK, cos no amount of expensive clothes, pampering and luncheons are gonna help. I know cos i've been there.
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A
male
reader, baddogbj +, writes (9 August 2008):
I am quite a similar situation except that I am the X@$% that is doing the cheating and I am certain that my wife is not (yet) aware of it. From the sound of it I am not quite so deep in the hole as your husband is - but I don't suppose anyone is going to offer me a medal for that!
My wife is beautiful and altogether fantastic, as it sounds you are and I love her dearly. It horrifies me to think that I would do anything to hurt her and yet obviously I do things that would hurt her to the core. I understand that to mean that the personality flaw that your husband and I share is deep seated and likely to be resistant to change.
As you are almost certainly finding me a deeply distasteful person at the moment, I'll try to stick to answering the question. I believe that he is very unlikely to change. I also believe that confronting him head on will solve nothing - if you humiliate him it will simply make the problem worse although of course you might humiliate him just because he deserves it. You need to decide whether you can live with it and manage it or whether you have better options elsewhere.
If you decide to try to mange the situation my suggestion would be to very indirectly find ways to let him know that you know but without directly confronting. Obviously you don't want to give him the impression that you approve and he has carte blanche but if he knows that you know and that you are hurt but that you are sticking with and making the decision not to confront him he will probably love you even more than he does already and hopefully he will think twice or three times before he does something stupid again. It won't get rid of the problem but it may reduce the frequency.
Very best of luck to you whichever way you go.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi, Cupidguy!
I have double Bachelors degree in Fine Art and Teaching/Education background. i"m currently a teacher and my husband is an engineer. I'll check out your recommanded site and learn a thing or two on human behavior and pychology. I have read many books on relationships and tough love throughout the years. I'm still learning about "Men" and what makes them tick. I'll look into reverse pychology.
My husband is very unique. I'm glad you've mentioned about his childhood and fear. He never had a good role model growing up in Hawaii, and his mother named his name after the Bar his father attended very often. He has a domineering mother and sister, but keeps loving relationship with his family.
Thanks for your input and ideas!
This second message is for Suzie. Thanks for your input. I'm glad things worked out for you. Why do we girls go for "Bad Guys"? I'll keep your answer in mind. Thank you, Suzie!
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (9 August 2008):
 It's your life, and we can but respect your decision.
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A
female
reader, AskSusie  +, writes (9 August 2008):
Hi,
I had the same problem but I just got up and left the situation entirely, i'd had enough. You are just as insecure as he is - but when you leave no matter how hard it is in the beginning, 10 weeks later you are like 'what the hell was I waiting to leave for? What a waste of a life' because simply, it's just a waste of a life. God I regretted staying.
You are not staying because you love him anymore, you are staying because you are trying to show him your worth. But he'll never see your worth if you just stick around and put up with his shit - he'll only see it the day you get up and leave and by that time, it's too little too late.
Good luck
AskSusie
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A
female
reader, AskSusie +, writes (9 August 2008):
Hi,
I had the same problem but I just got up and left the situation entirely, i'd had enough. You are just as insecure as he is - but when you leave no matter how hard it is in the beginning, 10 weeks later you are like 'what the hell was I waiting to leave for? What a waste of a life' because simply, it's just a waste of a life. God I regretted staying.
You are not staying because you love him anymore, you are staying because you are trying to show him your worth. But he'll never see your worth if you just stick around and put up with his shit - he'll only see it the day you get up and leave and by that time, it's too little too late.
Good luck
AskSusie
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