A
male
age
41-50,
*dmiralRei
writes:I'm a 28 year old single guy, who has been seeing a married woman for the better part of a year. She first admitted having a romantic interest in me, and made it clear at that time, that her marriage had failed, and was on the way out the door. There are no kids involved. I felt while not ideal, the fact that her marriage was ending in part made the situation acceptable. Now, it's nearly a year later, and she's still with her husband. 4 months ago, seeing that things were not moving forward, I said that I was no longer comfortable with having a sexual relationship as long as she was married, which she accepted. We are still emotionally very close. She talks constantly about the future that we'll have together. Whenever I communicate my displeasure with the fact that her separation is not moving forward, she either makes excuses (I just need to get through X, Y, and Z) or gets very emotional, has a talk with her husband, and it looks like things are moving forward. A few days later, it's as if nothing has changed.At this point, she has not told her husband that she wants a divorce, a question he has asked her outright. I feel terrible, not only in violating a marriage, but in feeling secondary to her life. I ask myself what does it say about our relationship that she has refused to make any sort of commitment to me? I understand that ending a marriage is a massive event in a person's life, and not something that it to be taken lightly. And I don't believe in setting forth any type of ultimatum; that in itself would be a terrible basis for our own relationship. She should be leaving her marriage because it has failed, not because there's 'something better.' Am I being naive here? What is the best way to support her? Is it possible to remain in this sort of psudo-relationship? Is it best to separate until her marriage is sorted out? Without thinking, I feel like I want to push her to divorce her husband, but it seems like the decision should come from her, and her alone. On the other hand, where are we going here? A year is a lot of excuses. She has said the phrase: "I will always love my husband, I just don't see a future with him." Is she perhaps not willing to let the marriage end? Do you divorce someone that you will always love?Any help, thoughts, advice, or experiences are greatly appreciated.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 August 2008): I think you should completely stay away from each other; and if she ever does get divorce, and you're still available, then think about it.
People divorce when all the love has died. They may be able to remain "friends", but "friends" is one thing; "always love" is another. People "care about" friends, but they don't usually call that "still caring about", "always love".
The woman in question may not mean to be "evil," but she's apparently too confused/messed up to be able to sort out 1) who she loves, 2) that there can really only be one "true love", and 3) that it's crummy not to make the tough decision to either do what's right for the marriage or else divorce, and be with you.
She may not intend to be malicious, but she's essentially using both you and her husband (or at least being rotten to the husband). You don't deserve the half-baked situation. If he does then she should divorce him. Then, too, maybe he doesn't deserve the half-baked marriage either.
She needs to figure out what she wants, and you deserve better in the meantime. Everyone does.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2007): Um, if you were the woman and she was a married man, would there even be any question about this situation?
OF COURSE you leave her! She's "having it both ways" just like anyone else who messes around on the side and insists they will get divorced eventually.
There's an unsaid assumption that since she's female and she can give you a lot of complex emotional reasoning for her situation, then surely it's not as simple as "just cheating."
But that's a load of crap. Plenty of scumbag cheating husbands out there are every bit as "emotionally conflicted" about their situation as she is, and that doesn't make it any less wrong of them to do it.
Get out the door and don't waste any more of your emotional well-being on her. If she's serious then she'll leave him. (But she probably won't leave him.)
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (2 December 2007):
 Best to walk away and not contact her. I don't see her making a decision if she hasn't made one already, after this length of time. It might force her hand and make her decide, once and for all. But be prepared to walk away and leave her completely, she may not choose you if she has had this much trouble leaving him. Sorry for your heartaches and Hope things work out for you.
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A
female
reader, thatgothgirl20 +, writes (2 December 2007):
 I've seen this far too often. Get out before she hurts you worse. She is NOT going to leave her husband for you. You are more nicer than me. I would not do something like this to begin with, but if I did, and someone kept making excuses with ME, I would tell the person's spouse what they were doing by calling them or something, cause that s*h*i*t would really piss me off. She has probably been with her husband longer than you. So she still has many different types of bonds with him.
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A
female
reader, Yogichickk +, writes (2 December 2007):
 She loves her husband and wants him and the relationship to survive but he does not make her happy. Everytime she is ready to leave, he pulls her back in because he does not want their relationship to end either. She is holding on to her hope. It's not about her and you. It's about her and her husband. You just happened to be there. Even if she leaves her husband (not for your but because she is unhappy there), she still may change her mind and move back with him some time down the road. She is in love with him, not you.
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A
female
reader, bqagirl2692 +, writes (2 December 2007):
 Being IN LOVE and LOVING someone are two different emotions. Sometimes people get divorced because they are not as IN LOVE as they use to be even though they may still care about that person. Dont push her into doing something she doesnt want to do. If she is willing to leave her husband then she would do just that without you nagging her about it. Dont get me wrong, i know exactly how you must feel being the second choice and all but if her and her husband do no seperate, then its you who must seperate from them. Make a good choice and let her make her's. Good luck!
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A
female
reader, dearkelja +, writes (2 December 2007):
 You should exit the relationship at least until the divorce papers have been served. A year is a long time to string someone along. She has been deceitful to her husband and to you. One of the best reasons to stay in a marriage is kids but since there are none in this case there really is no good reason for her not to have left the marriage.
Do you divorce someone you will always love. Yes, if the marriage is not working out and you can't get it back on track. Leaving someone you love is hard, but people do it everyday.
As for not pushing her or giving her an ultimatum-you are right here. The decision has to be hers to leave the marriage otherwise she will hold you responsible. If I were you I would think long and hard about wanting a future relationship with this woman. The foundation of your relationship was not built on integrity and honesty. I think you should cut all ties and find someone who isn't attached and that you will trust.
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A
female
reader, josien  +, writes (2 December 2007):
my dear friend i think your wasting yor precious time in this relationship. you are giving in to much that your going to losein theend.act that this woman is still staying with her husbnd in enogh to tell you that she loves him thogh he enjoys your company. so it is up to you if u still think giving company or settling down is what you want
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2007): This is a hard one for both of you. I have been there too so I understand what you must both be going through. She has to deal with her problems and that will only be achieved if she has a clear head.
You need to break contacts with her. Now I know how hard it is but this will allow her thinking time and room.
It is important that you don't contact each other. I am still in love with my ex husband and no there will be no future with him. Time on my own allowed me and him to realize that it was finished.
Being married young poses a lot of problems. You both need thinking room. Go and have some fun.
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