A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been going it with a man 10 years my senior (I am early 30's) He has terrible money problems that he refuses to address. He has moved away to get the great job he wanted but still makes no attempt to repay his debt. When he comes to visit he spends all his time drinking down the pub with his mates. He has finally accepted that he is selfish and likes doing his own things but says he loves me. I am in turmoil as to know what to do. It took him 2 years to introduce me officially as his girlfriend.Should I stay? I have been married and divorced once...do all relationship end up the same way? At least he is not cheating or beating me up. I do wonder what future we will have? Can you help?
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female
reader, thatgothgirl20  +, writes (2 December 2007):
 You sound like you are unhappy and you are trying to console yourself with "well at least such and such isn't happening.." I am guilty of doing something like this as well, ie reading other people's problems lol (the irony of it) or when some people watch talk shows. Anyways... I think that's messed up that it took him 2 years to introduce you as his gf to people. Sounds like a player to me. I don't think he would be good for you.
A
male
reader, Richard_EMids +, writes (2 December 2007):
 Mmmm. Regardless of your question for the moment, I would say that most people can make change in their lives, but generally these are small changes. Rarely do people make major life changes.
I would put three suggestions to you:
1) He doesn't want to face his money problems; just do the minimum he needs to and keep things ticking over. The same personality trait applies to a relationship, he doesn't want to face it; just do enough to keep it ticking over.
2) Not facing problems is often what gets people into finacial difficulties. The same personality trait probably caused these debts - not facing them.
3) Drinking down the pub when you have problems that need addressing is a form of escapism. Of ignoring reality.Not facing them.
This isn't conclusive evidence that this guy is always going to be in debt, always ignoring reality, always doing just the bare minimum to stop things blowing up. But they are indicators.
Look round at other aspects of his life and see if there are further signs.
You then have to decide if this is the sort of life you want. He will only make changes when forced.
Take care
Richard
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A
male
reader, Richard_EMids +, writes (2 December 2007):
Mmmm. Regardless of your question for the moment, I would say that most people can make change in their lives, but generally these are small changes. Rarely do people make major life changes.
I would put three suggestions to you:
1) He doesn't want to face his money problems; just do the minimum he needs to and keep things ticking over. The same personality trait applies to a relationship, he doesn't want to face it; just do enough to keep it ticking over.
2) Not facing problems is often what gets people into finacial difficulties. The same personality trait probably caused these debts - not facing them.
3) Drinking down the pub when you have problems that need addressing is a form of escapism. Of ignoring reality.Not facing them.
This isn't conclusive evidence that this guy is always going to be in debt, always ignoring reality, always doing just the bare minimum to stop things blowing up. But they are indicators.
Look round at other aspects of his life and see if there are further signs.
You then have to decide if this is the sort of life you want. He will only make changes when forced.
Take care
Richard
...............................
A
female
reader, bqagirl2692 +, writes (2 December 2007):
 YEs he has accepted the fact that he was being selfish but is he really making an effort to try and change that? This is something you must see for yourself. Maybe he just needs some help. Dont give up on him. Sometimes a person can be weak and they dont even know it. They just need a strong person to help them and lift them up over an obstacle. Dont bail out yet. Try and help him out and get through this together. If he is not doing his part them thats the time you should leave. Its take two people to make up a healty relationship. Dont be so negative about having a relationship. Just because you have had a failed relationship before does not mean every relationship will go down hill from there. Have some faith. For the sake of the both of you.Good luck!
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